My First Colonoscopy: Part Three (aka Breaking the Ice)

(Source)

If you haven't read parts one and two, I'll be waiting here for ya when you come back.  Now that you're caught up, let's get down to business.  The prep was finished and I will tell you one thing, I think that "finish by two hours prior" is a load of horse shite.  I was given my orders to be done by 11:30am (one hour prior to when I needed to be there and two hours prior to scheduled time) but I started at 6am and finished by 8am which gave me 3 1/2 hours before.  It was probably an hour before we left that I felt stable enough to make the 25 minute drive over and not be in a state of poo panic.  

I checked in and I told the Mr it would be safer to wait in the lobby.  (WHY does everyone seem to cough all the time now?)  I wish I would've had him wait for about 20 minutes though because they said he could wait with me once I was checked in but he was already in the car.  Here's one thing I will tell you that shocked me...they do NOT weigh you prior to your procedure.  If I had lied about my weight, I don't know how the dude would've gotten my sleepy meds right.  I guess just keep pumping me full until I passed out but I didn't like that.  So this is no time for vanity, weigh yourself before you leave so they have an accurate amount to go off of.

They asked me a ton of questions including was I there for a routine visit or because I was having problems, medical history, meds, etc  Then another nurse came in while I was answering those to do my IV.  WHY do they always insist on sticking it right along the wrist bone!?!?  Every time I've had an IV that's where they stick it and then they're like "hey, can you sign this?"  No.  No I can't.  Here's my nose print, that will have to suffice.  My mom always got her IV's in the top of her hand back in the day and I have perfectly fine veins available there but no, please go for the most terrifying spot you can.  Then it was me getting notified the Mr wasn't in the waiting room and I got teary.  (Remember, I convinced myself I wasn't waking up from this after their legal papers.)  I had him write on the side of my finger so it would be the last thing I saw before I went under.  There I sat with my card on my lap.  

Oh yeah!  So, my defense mechanism with doctors is humor.  I figure they will either think you're lame or you'll make them laugh and if snaking people's butt all day is your job, I'm betting you'll need a laugh.  I got the team this card and wrote:  If you think it's big now, you should've seen it 200 lbs ago- not a joke.  I also wrote about how terrified I was and I wanted to thank them in case I was loopy and forgot to do it afterward.  It was very interesting to see how each person on my team reacted to the card.  My doctor was a very no-nonsense guy who was not used to humor but did laugh at the dog butt.  I noted on his bio he worked with anti-obesity treatments so I put the weight loss thing in there because I thought that would catch his eye given his background.  He asked if I was serious and assumed I had "the surgery" and I told him neither me or my husband had and did it on our own.  He said that was really hard to do and you could tell he softened a little.  When he left he took the card with him and handed it to the anesthesiologist who was about to come in and read it outside my room.  He came in and said that was very sweet and told me about the anesthesia and how it wasn't the kind of dose they use for surgery and was much safer than that.  I might wake up and see the screen for a moment but if I do, I'd probably go right back to sleep but he wanted to make me aware it could happen and not to freak out, he would adjust and put me back under.  So he obviously focused on my comment about being terrified.

Finally, there was the nurse.  She was probably 5-10 years older than me and read it in front of me and laughed so loud it echoed through the whole facility!  I apologized for meeting her under those circumstances and she said it's all asses all day for her and from that point on, we were a comedy team.  She told me about decorating her husband's ass for his first colonoscopy at her office with a doc that retired.  She wrote a note to him on one cheek and put stickers on the other.  I told her I debated having my husband write "exit only" but I didn't.  The anesthesiologist mentioned I might hear music too and I asked if he played Sir Mix A Lot.  We all laughed but my nurse laughed loudest and then started singing Baby Got Back and we dueted when she got to "you get SPRUNG!" which echoed throughout the scope suites so I can only imagine if others were awake and heard that. She tried to get the anesthesiologist to sing but he declined.  

They had me lay on my left side and said they were going to start the meds.  I closed my eyes and then thought "no, your twilight didn't take 20 years ago.  They need to know you're awake" so I opened my eyes and she said "oh, it must've hit, her eyes are open."  I laughed and said no that since my twilight didn't take I figured I should keep them open.  Then about 10 seconds later I felt it and said "oh, okay.  I feel a little lightheaded" and she said "you're about to feel it more."  Night night.

I had a bunch of crazy dreams but the weird thing is I could feel a bit of bloat while dreaming so enough of reality was sinking into my dreams even while under.  I woke up in the same room I was checked in at and she said it was done and I did great.  (As great as one can do ass up having planted Baby Got Back in the nurse's head.)  She said she was going to get the Mr since he was my driver but to pull my knees to my chest and "expel the air" they filled me up with.  I said "oh Lord help you" and she said "I hear it all day, every day.  You're good."    I let a few fly and thought I was done.  I will say I wish I had a Zotz in that moment to help with the bloating because it was uncomfortable but I think if I'd just pushed enough out, I would've been fine.  That stuff is still in your system though so bearing down could be a bad thing.  The Mr came back and was surprised I was awake and only mildly loopy.  She said the doc would be back to see me.

We were talking and the Mr spied what looked like results and pics of my colon.  He went over and grabbed it and started looking through it.  My stomach dropped a bit because I didn't want him to be the one to deliver any potential bad news.  He said I had one polyp which he removed and it was 5mm which was small in polyp talk according to Dr. Google.  The doc came in and said I did well, reiterated the polyp removal and it was being sent off to pathology but he would be "very surprised if it came back as anything."  He told me I wouldn't have to do that again for five years.  They had a huge poster of what colon cancer looked like in there (which I purposely didn't look at the whole time) and the Mr said my evicted visitor didn't look like that.

Wanna see?  (If not, scroll past it.)

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(Source:  My colon)

I still had the adult diaper on and we got some food on the way home and within about 20 minutes, the prep was like "yeah, still in here."  I probably crapped (that being a relative term for what came out) about 5-6 more times with less frequency but it was still a bummer that I still had that urgency on that front.  That was all I ate that day (okay, that and 2 scoops of ice cream right after because dammit, I deserved it!).  The next day I was back to my normal diet but a bit on the bland side since they said no spicy food the day of and I thought it best to do that for two days longer.  I also read on other gastro sites not to take any pain relievers that could encourage bleeding for 7-10 days in case there was any bowel perforation which you would likely know from bleeding afterward.  Despite not being told that by them, I would still say that is a good practice.  They said there may be a little blood in the stool the first real poo because of the removal.  I didn't poo until 5 days later and it was fine.  (I also took stool softeners every 2-3 days to keep straining at a minimum and allow time to heal.  

As always, they say the prep is the worst part and unless you opt to not have any kind of anesthesia, then you won't be awake for or remember the procedure.  I would plan on wearing the diaper the day after too.  You will think it's all out of the system and there will be a surprise moment or two about the time you start to get cocky.  Your booty will be sore for a few days.  You can sit on a soft ice pack or keep the diaper rash cream up to keep things soothed until it dies down a bit on the brown line express.  While I'm not looking forward to going back in 5 years, my hope is nothing new has grown in there and I can get clearance for 10 years.  

Well, I hope you enjoyed the "more than you ever wanted to know about me" edition.  Don't let my experience scare you off.  It really wasn't that bad, just a little tiring pooing so much but as I said, I had two friends who said it was no worse than their regular bouts of diarrhea so you could luck out.  It's an important test to have done especially since instances of colon cancer are on the rise in younger people without much explanation as to why it's happening.  If you catch anything early, you can be totally fine.  There is no reason to die from embarrassment.  They do this for a living.  They chose it.  Yours will not be the first or last butt they will see and they had 9 more lined up after me.  Oh and just fart, man.  When someone else came out of theirs and woke up, we heard:

(source)

No one cares and it'll be the first time you can do it in public without people looking at you like an animal raised in a barn.

Oh and my results came five days later which were, thankfully, no cancer or dysplasia meaning it was not abnormal tissue that would've turned into cancer.  It was listed as an inflammatory polyp.  Well, this year HAS been inflammatory so I shouldn't be surprised.  

Have you had a colonoscopy?  Share your experience if you feel so inclined.

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