This is long. Brew up some coffee, come back at lunch or save it for a glass of wine after work.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching about whether or not to share this 1) because the situation is evolving (or devolving as it were) 2) because
our situation is not likely one that (I hope) most will encounter and 3) it feels like airing dirty laundry and that's
not my intent. The Mr has read this and said he doesn't feel that way because it all needs to be said for context. While the Mr and I saw this coming long before Grandma even passed due to having our eyes opened to him long ago, the rest of my family seems taken aback. I don't want that for anyone else out there. There are a lot of not fun emotions associated with this so it's gonna get gritty but I feel like if it can happen to us, it can happen to anyone.
Dementia and Alzheimer's steal a lot more than just the person you love. The job of care giving whether you're the spouse, child or even someone hired to do the job is one that breaks you down over time. I think about the first time my Grandma didn't know me...June 2014, four years before she passed. It was the first time when she was asked that she said she didn't have kids or grand-kids. That one stung. You know it's the disease but it doesn't make it any easier to know a disease wipes you from someone's mind but not their hearts. I can only imagine when that day comes for the spouse and the daily reminders of who you are to them and wondering which piece of them will be lost that week. So I can empathize with the loneliness someone must feel. They don't lose their spouse the day they die, they lose them years earlier. That can be hard because the person you would've gone to for comfort is the inadvertent cause of you feeling that way. I get it.
The man my Grandma married was, we'll kindly say, the last person any of us ever expected. He was completely different from my Grandpa in both good ways and bad. He had no manners in public and it was embarrassing to the whole family. He would belch and keep on talking while other people around us would give us all dirty looks. My grandma would get so upset probably the first 10 years because it was mortifying to her because people were judging her too and not appreciated by the rest of us. She was a very private, modest woman who didn't like attention brought to her/her family. If a 3-year-old can somewhat control themselves under a good parent, I think some dude in his 50's, at the time, can too. We would always talk after and say how we couldn't believe she put up with that but more so after she and multiple family members told him to save it for at home and he flat out didn't care about what any of us thought. He thought it was funny we would all get so embarrassed and after a while, angry. That should've been our first clue.
I guess her kids all thought she settled which I later thought as well but they didn't share that with me then because they didn't want me to think less of him because when I was little, he and I were close. He always came off as a crazy old man willing to do anything for a laugh and he did which to a kid is gold. Then you get older (teen years) and start seeing things, particularly when money became involved. I saw sides of him I didn't care for but what can you say? People would dismiss my concerns if I brought it up and I didn't want to risk Grandma getting mad at me, so I never did. Ever since CNN got a stock ticker, that is all that man watched. Every day of his life was
consumed with watching his money grow and all I heard from age 10 was how they were going to leave it to the family. Whatever. Wait...I feel like I'm skimming that part. Literally...almost
every.
single.
time. we all saw him, he talked about his money and how "rich" he was. It was obsessive and I suppose some of that could come from being the first generation after the (first) Great Depression. (But no one else from that same era that we knew did that.) Grandma seemed proud that she could help ease her kids' burden in retirement and that was her intent. They had strict guidelines set out and they wouldn't receive a penny of it before their retirement even if they were both gone well before any of them reached retirement age. She didn't talk about it like he did or hardly at all, really but this money was drilled into all of our heads by him for 40 years because he would NOT shut up about it. It was irritating to say the least.
He liked to brag about his money to total strangers. Even the waitress at my 30th birthday dinner knew about their bank balance and it was embarrassing. To set the record straight, we're not talking millions. I mean that after taxes each of her kids would get $200K to spread out over their retirement which would certainly help ease the burden but not like they would be rich. To be clear, grand kids are not in the will.
I have no stake in this. He liked to think he was some kind of high falootin' hot shot and he bragged a little too much in front of his mild-mannered brother in law over the years and the brother in law snapped. There was a huge fight in which my grandma lost a relationship with her closest sister. Grandma's husband refused to apologize and said HE was owed the apology and unfortunately, Grandma never stood up to him on the subject. I assume she thought it would eventually blow over. The brother in law refused to just go back to how it was because he was not going to continue to feel belittled by her husband and I don't blame him. My great aunt stood by her man as well and it wasn't until a few years before her diagnosis that my Grandma and her sister spoke again. It was a big loss because I really loved that aunt and uncle and had so many wonderful memories with them as a kid. I didn't understand it at the time but as I got to know this man my Grandma married, a man I
thought I knew for who he really was, the more I disliked him and what he deemed important. Manipulative and narcissist don't begin to describe him.
I remember one conversation maybe a year before Grandma was diagnosed where he was bragging about his money again when it was just the four of us. The Mr and I told him for the 1000th time we didn't give a shit about his money and they should be using it to travel or it's good to have it available if there are health issues as they age. He said, "no, no...we're fine."
My Grandma chimed in and said, "well no, if there are health issues,
that's the whole reason we've been building that money."
"No, no, no. We don't need to use that" he said, waving her off.
She got very angry and snapped at him and said: "If we get sick, that's what it's supposed to be there for!
Period."
This was the first time I ever heard her stand up to him and he continued to dismiss her feelings to the point she just shut down. This concerned me a great deal because how often did this happen behind closed doors? How many times were her feelings dismissed and she kept quiet because he made her feel like she didn't have a say? Well, the money didn't get used for that up front when she got sick, despite my telling people about that conversation. If you've been here through everything, you know the Mr and I didn't agree with the handling of her care. He made sure everyone knew that he drained her personal bonds for her care supplies. It makes me especially mad given none of her kids were truly physically in the position to be able to care for her the way a home health worker (which he could've easily afforded more than the one he got) could. One had neuropathy from cancer treatments which don't impede her too much but still. One had spine and back issues and the other had bone on bone knees and is unable to lift much. Often times from both what I saw and heard, he would just sit back and fold his arms and watch them work or struggle to lift Grandma when he was supposed to be getting out of the house which was the whole point of them coming over. One of the kids complained that he liked to direct them and tell them what to do. His true colors more than surfaced as her disease progressed if others hadn't seen them.
I told you that to tell you this.
He's getting swindled by a woman
my age for his money. (For clarification, that's 43 years younger.) He went to a gaming spot where people like her troll for men like him and she hit the jackpot. He got in a huge knockdown, drag-out with the only one of Grandma's kids that still comes around. They're the ones who took care of his meds so he didn't die, paid his bills and went over his statements so his checkbook is balanced, and is the executor of their Will because they are the most responsible. This sleazy woman has fleeced him and he kept trying to get them to meet so the family can see how 'great' she is. None of her kids want to meet her and when it has been set up three different times, the lady always finds a way to cancel. Of course, she does! She knows her intentions will be seen for what they are! There is no recourse for us even though half of that money was Grandma's and her intentions were made clear 40 years ago up until the final days she had her cognitive abilities. So the retirement she wanted for her kids will be gone.
None of my family were in it for the money, okay, one of them was but that's not the point. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think they all put up with a lot more than they would have knowing what Grandma wanted for their retirements didn't factor in. It's easy to say "I don't want your money" but when it's written into a Will, it's been held over them for over 40 years, and now you're all getting close to retirement and he's like "sike! I'm gonna give it to this lady because she says the right things to me." It feels like a big kick in the gut especially when you think of all of the times they held their tongues to his verbal abuse. None of them have planned their retirements around that money (except one, I assume) but that isn't the point. The point is, Grandma's wishes are being ignored
again so he can get some punani. Actually, he's not getting that either. (Sorry, grosses me out to write it as much as it grosses you out to read it.) She promises she'll marry him or sleep with him and doesn't deliver because he's easy to string along. She has financial problems, is a drug addict and recently the executor went over his bank account and was appalled to find over the past four months, he's been drained
over $50,000. He gave this con lady items of Grandma's, a debit card to his account and now a large male from her family is picking him up and taking him to the ATM a few times a week to take out maximum withdraws. She ghosts him for weeks and then when she needs more, she calls or sends a card.
The executor filed a police report as they thought he may have been kidnapped recently after seeing some security camera footage at an ATM but is definitely experiencing a form of elder abuse and the police agreed. The cops were waiting on him when he got home and talked for well over an hour that the pattern described is that of a drug addict and/or dealer and this isn't going to end well. Toward the end, he began yelling at the cop! Bottom line is, he's of sound mind (in the eyes of the law) and we have no say. It's his life and he's perfectly within his rights to give her whatever he wants. The family member executor wants to save him from himself but he is wildly out of control and has a habit of dropping all family when he moves on to the next life. (People from his previous marriage including a daughter are specifically listed as excluded from the Will, at least the one he and grandma signed over a decade ago.) When the family member tries to address him, he gets full of rage and screams at her, hangs up on her and doesn't want her coming over because he can "take care of himself."
You know what?
**FYI- the rest of this is going to sound pretty harsh. You need to understand this is from the years of what equates to verbal abuse that people have attempted to cover up and label it as"stubbornness." His actions have ripped what's left of my family apart.**
I have had zero loyalty to this man since the day he did this in describing Grandma's dementia.
 |
| (He literally did this in front of her saying "she's not right. She doesn't know what she's talking about.") |
This is not because he's from a different generation which is how that action has been described. There is nothing anyone could say to me to excuse him doing that. He did it in front of her and she yelled at him because
she fully understood what he was saying/doing. He did it three times in front of us and the last time I told him if he did it again, he and I were going to have a problem. I know he did it in front of others and when I expressed my disgust and being done with him, they all said: "oh that's just him."
No, it's not. It's an unfeeling son of a bitch who has no problem making fun of and demeaning his wife to her face and making her angry and cry. What if that was her last cognitive memory of him? Can you even fathom the cruelty? Imagine how that would feel. You're sick and scared and
your person, the one who you're supposed to be able to count on for anything in this life and make you feel safe does that in your face. I seriously want you to picture your spouse doing that to you and try not to cry.
Do I have sympathy for all of the money he's getting drained of? Heck no I don't given the way he treated my Grandma in front of us and people who have done nothing but help him for 10 years. We're not legal family to him so there's nothing we can do to protect him even if we wanted to and none of us have money to get lawyers involved to even attempt to do anything like guardianship. The only injustice in my eyes is that once again, Grandma's wishes get screwed...for him. In my mind, I consider this his karma for all of the ways he treated her in front of us, for the things we didn't see and for his lifetime of greed being more important to him than family. Money was the
only thing he cared about his whole life and in the end, he's going to hand it over to some hooch who has no problem doing what she has to to a 90-year-old fool. He sacrificed relationships and it's looking like he's going to cut out all family so we know what's important to him. The only person who might be able to talk any sense into him is his beloved financial advisor because he knows the hard work and heart the executor has put into keeping him healthy and cared for the past decade.
I share this with you to caution those who have gone through a loss with dementia that these are conversations that need to be had
before someone gets sick. I'm sure 98% of you won't be in this particular situation but the topic of guardianship and/or power of attorney, if the people are older, needs to be discussed. POA was discussed years ago and he continued to put it off because he didn't understand what that meant completely. You need to talk about and acknowledge the loneliness the caregiver is going through. I went so far as to fill out an application to the senior center a few miles from his house, print their schedule, and highlight things I knew he'd like including a trip to his hometown once a year! I included grief pamphlets a friend of mine in the funeral industry sent me. He was isolating himself and not getting out of the house. We understood his loneliness and encouraged him to go to support groups and senior centers but if it didn't fit his agenda to spotlight himself as the victim, he wanted nothing to do with it. Whenever we had answers, he shooed us all away because the answers didn't entail us kissing his butt for money. At least with caring for Grandma, he had something to hold over them...access to her. They were all afraid of confronting him because they all believed he had it in him to cut off access to her when she was sick.
The constant stream of people coming in and out of the house was gone once Grandma was gone meant there was no one there to placate his ego anymore. He did nothing but complain to every single person that came over how hard it all was on him. At holidays, as each person came in, he'd re-tell the same tale of woe as everyone who'd now heard it 8x rolled their eyes. I know this sounds harsh but you have to understand,
he made her illness all about HIM. He told everyone how HE lost her even though we've all been there longer than he was and refused to acknowledge our loss. I reminded him of that the 4th time he said he lost her..."we ALL lost her." It's always been all about him and his wishes their whole marriage but it never became more apparent than when she got sick. He refused to go to the senior center because "it was for old people." You are almost 90. Yes, it's much better to go out and get a 40-some year old whose intentions are questionable at best. He's thinking with something I hoped was long shriveled and out of commission and he'll pay for it. I know I sound heartless but the way he's spoken to people who have done nothing but help him for decades is too appalling to even repeat here.
Don't let this happen to your family and make it clear guardianship or even power of attorney doesn't have to be forever. It can be for that delicate time period the first few years after the person is gone and then reassess. It doesn't even have to be a family member if you prefer someone who has no stake in it, there are professional services that can act on their behalf. It's much easier if it's an actual parent for you to get guardianship but it's a discussion that you have to approach delicately. It's one you should ultimately have before any issues come up because if you don't, did you know
a total stranger can? Read all of the links to other articles in that one and tell me you wouldn't be running out to make sure your loved one is covered!?
Appointing a power of attorney takes care of that issue. When people are in the throes of such an emotional situation between going through the disease and adjusting to their new normal without the person they love having mourned them both while they were alive and now gone, it's easy for them to be overwhelmed with irrational thoughts. They get paranoid. They think everyone's after their money, trying to put them in a home, you want their things, etc. (Coincidentally, the same symptoms a dementia patient has in the beginning!) They think power of attorney means you're going to do what you want with them and they have no say. Do as much research as possible that pertains to your state and try to come up with a plan that is legally binding that you both are comfortable with. It doesn't mean you can go and spend their money. It means you need to keep track of their expenses and what you're using their money to spend it on. There is an accountability to it that makes it hard to be sneaky with money that isn't yours. It feels like the loss of independence for them and you have to be sensitive to that but I think about if this were my
actual Grandpa exhibiting this behavior and I would want to protect him.
I hope none of you ever have to go through this but it can, unfortunately, be part of the journey of dementia/Alzheimers and you should consider having talks or at a minimum be aware. Spouses think it will never happen to them but it is just one more side effect of dementia. I think of how my grandma was as a person and I know she would be so devastated to see him treating the one person who gave so selflessly of themselves like a piece of trash. So many more people are affected and people don't realize that until it's too late. Being prepared for
all of the possibilities is the best way to protect yourself and your family. You can refer back to that talk and remember why you made that decision.
Death does horrible things to families and unfortunately, so does money.
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