A stream of emotions

Over the weekend, we rented the movie Nocturnal Animals.   (affiliate link) We saw the trailer as a preview while watching another movie and thought it looked really good.  When we began watching, we were immediately greeted by a sight I've never seen...

Now I have blacked out the nudity so technically there is no nekkidness going on but I wanted to give fair warning because I know I have teachers and others who read at work and didn't want to be like BAM!  

The thing is, I need you to really look at the woman and take in what you're seeing so if you're where someone can see, come back to the post when you can.

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(image via FilmColossus.com)

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In the opening credits, there are either 3 or 4 morbidly obese women completely naked and dancing. They're dressed in sashes and I think a majorette uniform.  There is no context as to why we're seeing what we're seeing.  I immediately got uncomfortable because I was just waiting for them to be the butt of a joke or something.  I mean isn't that the context we usually see a woman in that is my weight or higher?  It ends up these women are part of an art installment and once the dancing portion is over, they are all laying on a platform separately as modern, interpretive art installment surrounded by a full gallery of people, dressed of course and that's that.

Obviously with an opening like that, I had no idea what to expect.  I definitely didn't expect the flood of emotions I would feel from watching the first 5 minutes of this movie.   The woman above is the thinnest of the women that were in the credits.  Now please know that what I am describing is meant with absolutely no disrespect to the women who were brave enough to go full monty for this picture.  (Not because of their weight but any person willing to be naked for entertainment/their art in front of a room full of camera people and crew only to be scrutinized and picked apart by the public get my utmost tip of the hat.)  The thoughts below are what I experienced as an obese woman watching myself represented on the screen for the first time ever in a way that was not utterly demoralizing and disrespectful on purpose.

As I watched these women dance and act sexy for the camera, at first I was obviously confused by the lack of context.  But as it continued, in the sea of flopping tummies, gravity stretched breasts swinging in circles, plump mon pubis areas and rippling thighs all in slow motion...I saw a woman that was pretty close to my body shape.  I saw myself.  I saw myself for the first time...and I was ashamed.   The only mirror I have in my house is from the bust up and that is by design.  I have rented homes that have full length mirrors many in the bathroom where you're naked about half the time.  I am always horrified at what being super morbidly obese did to my body but even what losing weight has done to it as well.  (Nope, not having skin surgery in case any noobies may be tempted to suggest it.  I would have to be hacked up beyond belief to fix what almost 500 lbs did to me and I know too many people who have permanent nerve damage from getting even minor skin surgery done.)

As an obese woman, society teaches you that you are invisible and for the times you're not, they tell you quite bluntly to your face that you have no value.  If you're obese you've encountered one form of this or another at least once in your life.  Whether it's that up and down glance you get from a stranger to the new doctor assuming because you're over 200 lbs. you obviously don't exercise and your blood work up will be a disaster to the people who have had people yell out the window at them as they're walking or had things thrown at them.  "You don't belong and no one will ever want you."  The message is very clear.  That's why seeing those images in your face of these women who are joyful, dancing, feeling sexy and completely free in a way that tells society to piss off is so confusing.  Even if you're obese yourself, you are programmed to think that's not beautiful...you're not beautiful.  We're supposed to not be sexual, hide inside our homes curled up with a box of Swiss cake rolls until we die of our heart attacks.  Because really, it's not like obese people are human, right?  I mean they couldn't possibly live interesting lives, contribute to society or be funny and charming.  {dripping with sarcasm}  Yet even being an obese woman myself, I feel that effing shame not just because that is why my body looks like but that is what my husband is married to.  I felt bad for him and thought "how could he ever find me sexy or attractive?"  It made me feel so vulnerable and exposed even though I was fully clothed.

I apologized to him that I didn't look like a "normal" woman.  He said he was the male equivalent so he was sorry to me too.  But we both know we love each other for the people we are on the inside first, which makes the rest of us automatically accepted.  I mean when we met, we were within about 50-60 lbs of where we are now so it's not like we were both thin when we met and then got out of control.  We knew the struggles we had with food and you'd think with knowing that we would've been more help to each other in the early days but who wants to eat salad with your new boyfriend at 17?  Not me!  I'm getting off track a bit.

So once they showed the context of why we were seeing these women that way, I felt inspired by the freedom they had to just strip down and totally own their bodies and feel sexy and beautiful.  Then I was pissed and ashamed that I fell into that societal bias of "well, these women are fat so obviously they're not beautiful."  I mean, I have no problems watching nudity when thin people are involved.  The most referenced comparison I'm finding is Robin Thicke's uncensored "Blurred Lines" video in which gorgeous young women are letting their boobies bounce around like it's nothing and I have absolutely no problem with it.  Yet I see a representation of myself and what I actually look like and my instant reaction is to be uncomfortable, ashamed and want to hide under a blanket.  What's wrong with that picture?  I have a husband that tells me almost every day how cute, pretty or beautiful I am but I had such a hard time accepting that compliment.  I will sometimes retort with "no I'm not" or laugh more times than I will ever say thank you because as women, it's often taught that unless you have the perfect body and face that you don't deserve that compliment.  Screw that.

I think the answer is that we need to see more of ourselves in every shape represented on the screen and NOT as a butt of a joke or some poor schlub unworthy of being treated like a human being.  As any fat person knows, weight discrimination is still totally acceptable.  They can call it "fat shaming" all they want to put some buzz words in to get people to click on an article.  But at the end of the day you pick any other kind of "shaming" and it will get loads more attention and people on their side because you know, 'fat people did it to themselves so they don't get sympathy.'  So if we can finally get over this barrier and just have every size person in TV shows, movies or in music represented, maybe someday we can just feel like a real human being instead of being fodder for memes, teenage boys who need to build themselves up to feel like men or even our own minds.  We are our own worst critic.  When the jerks of the world who try to make you feel less than stop hurling insults, we often pick up right where they left off with our own mix tape of hate in our brains.

So thank you to those women who took it all off and shook their groove thing for all to see.  Thank you for the lessons you taught me and hopefully will teach others if they stop for a moment to see that we are all human no matter our shape and size.  Oh and screw you internet in the fact that I can find "About 5,810,000 results" for naked women on a popular video site, I could not find ONE clip anywhere for this opening scene.  (Yes I know that would be illegal but you and I both know you can find full movies, clips, gifs, etc for just about anything online but God forbid it's this 5 minutes of a film which I actually saw was cut out of the streaming version according to commenters!  So many people didn't even get to see that scene unless they rented the DVD.)

Have you seen the movie/opening credits?  If so, what were your thoughts?  Do you have body issues you have a hard time dealing with?

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Movie laden weekend recap

Happy Monday everyone.

I'm happy to report the Mr passed his test Saturday morning.  We are so relieved that this saga is over for 2 years.  He got a super idiotic time slot in the middle of the day so we had to try to find a place that was open that wasn't necessarily breakfast.  We found a place that was breakfast but sandwiches and stuff so kind of more hearty stuff.  We waited for forever, then they sat us at this horrible table and when we were going to get it to go, it was even longer than we waited so we left.  Yeah because we have time to waste.  Jerks.  So we had our mouths set on breakfast and just went to a chain place and ate lukewarm, mediocre food.  It was not the way to start the day before his big test but apparently he thrives on chaos and sodium bombs.  I made a reservation at this place he's been wanting to go back to try prime rib so he was happy about that.  Unfortunately, it too was a miss.  Well, the soup was good but yeah the rest was crappy and we dropped over $100 for dinner.  *face palm*

We tried to reclaim the day and night by renting some movies.  We rented Nocturnal Animals  (affiliate link) with Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal.  The trailer looked pretty good.  It was directed by fashion designer Tom Ford so you know it was artsy.  We liked it but liked it much better after watching the bonus features which explained things in a little more detail.  There was a controversial beginning to the movie which I will blog about this week because it needs to be addressed.

We also rented The Edge of Seventeen  (affiliate link) which was deemed The Breakfast Club for this generation and "John Hughes would be proud."  Well, dems fightin' words so we had to put it to the test.  I must say, it held up to the hype.  I laughed, I cried, I gasped, I swooned and everything in between.  So yeah, I'd definitely give it a peep if you grew up on Hughes movies.

Speaking of Hughes movies...it was imperative we watch Weird Science last night to honor the passing of one of our favorite actors, Bill Paxton.  Great...crying again.  Bill has been a part of both the Mr and I's lives ever since Terminator and of course Weird Science.  Then on our honeymoon, Twister came out.  Given I am a huge weather nerd, this movie was right up my alley.  You couple that with one liners that were delivered in ways that only Bill could deliver them and it was movie gold for these fans.

I was actually going to blog about his new show Training Day this week as it is truly one of our favorites of the season.  Any time you can get more Paxton in your life, you just do.  We love how un-PC he is and it's a role he seemed born to play.   I couldn't bear to watch Twister because it's too much Paxton for me to take right now and I would be a quivering river of tears.  "Jo. Things go wrong. You can't explain it, you can't predict it."  Yeah, can't do it yet.

As more and more tributes came in, there was one common thread from those who worked with or met him...how sweet and big hearted he is.  I am so happy to hear that because it confirms he's as adorable and sweet as I always dreamed.  I can't bear to refer to him in past tense.  It truly feels like a family member is gone for us.  I know some people won't get that because he tended to play more supporting roles but still.  Friggin' legend.  We will miss you Bill and thank you for giving us so many one liners to quote for the rest of our lives.

What did you guys do this weekend? 

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What I'm Reading This Week #8

Happy Friday you beautiful (and handsome) peeps!

Let's jump right into...

The No. 1 Reason Your Workout Isn't Working  (I think I may be guilty of this sometimes.  When I'm able to go full out in a week, watch out!)

The Joyful, Clutter-Free Home: Kitchen  (Definitely some good ideas in this one!)

The 20 Best Body-Weight Exercises  (Great when you're on the go)

These Are the Breads That a Nutritionist Eats at Home  (Thank God, I don't have to stalk the labels in the bread aisle anymore and get stink eye from other customers)

The Right and Wrong Way to Eat Chia Seeds  (Whoops, I used to do that!)

7 Low-Back-Friendly Glute Exercises  (Great variations!)

A 25-Minute TRX Workout  (Excellent workout if you've got access to TRX or other suspension systems)

Haunted by an Ugly Name  (I kind of get it.  I do not like nor will answer to my full name.  It's the name that was used when I was in trouble.)

39 Healthy Breakfasts for Busy Mornings  (Yum!)

K9 Dog Spontaneously Licks And Nuzzles His Handler During Photo Session  (So cute!)

Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours': 10 Things You Didn't Know  (I was raised on this album.  Best ever!  Oh and I insisted we visit the Record Plant where it was recorded in Sausalito.  I pawed at the door hoping some recording magic would rub off.  Mr...due to #4, I will let you off the hook for that one.)

Not real sure what we've got going on this weekend but I'm sure we'll get into something.  It's supposed to be rainy so probably not outside though.  Pffft.

What are you up to this weekend?

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Stumbling back together

The other day I told you how the Mr and I still workout together on strength nights even though we're not able to do the same workouts.  The other night I did a 50 minute upper body strength session with Fitness Blender and he did some tabata lower body hell fest with them as well.  When it was over, it was time for PT...for both of us.  So I switched to lower body and he switched to upper body.  He started laughing and said "even when we switch, we switch to the opposite of the other."  When we were about halfway through it, I just felt appreciative and somehow kind of glad that we were rehabbing together.  Before, it was always him going upstairs while I still had like 20-30 minutes to go and while I'd never wish rehab on anyone, I couldn't ask for a better partner.

Speaking of rehab, the Mr went to his appointment last night.  He's thankfully down to once a week.  I got him a Bodyblade  (affiliate link) for Valentine's Day after he was introduced to it at his last session.  He said he was going to get good at it so he could throw it in his face.  I cautioned him against going too gung ho because knowing the PT, he would punish him with even more.  The Mr had built up to 1 minute and the guy was impressed so, as predicted, he made him do 3 sets of one minute intervals.  He added on two new exercises for him and it sounds like the needling may be coming to an end.  He had to do some paperwork evaluating his improvement and then did some strength tests.  When I went with him at the first appointment, the PT easily pushed his arm down when he asked him to oppose him. When he did it last night, he couldn't push him down at all from any angle and he is a strong dude who lifts for an hour or two each day.  So he was very pleased with his progress.  It sounds like maybe he's got 2-3 weeks left if I were guessing.

They did have a conversation about the paddle boarding.  He asked the Mr what he did over the nice days we had and he said he wanted to go paddle boarding but didn't.  (I was egging him to say we did so he could blow a gasket.)  He mentioned what I said when I was there last and the Mr explained to him that when he was 455 lbs, he watched paddle boarders going by in Hawaii and dreamed of being able to do that one day.  When we lost enough weight that we were comfortable and sure a board could hold us, we did it.  It was something that meant a lot to us because we were physically limited by it before and it wasn't an option at all and now that it is an option, we're never going back.  The Mr said he thinks he finally understood what that meant and wasn't going to give him crap for it anymore.  Thank God!

How do you turn your setbacks into comebacks?

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Temptation in da house?

Have you seen them?  They're popping up at your local grocery stores or your co-worker is relentlessly circling the office with the order form.  It's Girl Scout Cookie season!

If you've committed to a healthy lifestyle as your new years resolution, this truly is the time (6-8 weeks) that it's been proven people wave the white flag if they aren't going to stick to it.  You regular gym goers may notice you have the gym almost back to yourself.  But if Thin Mints and Samoas are your favorite, you shouldn't sweat this time of year because you can get them year round.  Keebler makes the Thin Mint equivalent called Grasshoppers and the Samoa equivalent called Coconut Dreams.  So basically their two most popular cookies are available year round with negligible taste difference.  That  means you can plan your indulgence for them any time of year instead of feeling the sense of FOMO that rolls around this time of year causing you to order more boxes than you ever would buy in the store and demolish the box(es) in a day or two and slip into a pit of regret.  Some well intentioned people will give you the advice of freezing them.  Um, they are still delicious frozen so yeah.

"But I'd feel bad not supporting the Girl Scouts."

Well guess what, they accept donations so you can give them the money, they keep the cookies or donate them to a program where others get the cookies and you now have a tax deduction!  (You do NOT get a tax deduction for buying the cookies and putting them in your own cookie hole though.)  ;-)  Donating to the cause will also keep the co-worker trying to sell the cookies off your back and you are still able to zip up your jeans!

Win win.

Seriously though, I can't even have Thin Mints in the house because the call is SO strong for no real reason other than they're available for a limited time and they taunt me from wherever they are.  They're okay but I really only want two but they force you to buy the whole box and I just don't need the temptation for cookies I'll regret eating come weigh in day.

What are your favorite Girl Scout Cookies?  Are you able to control yourself around them?

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Lazy River and the classics continue

Okay so when you're drinking a lot of water, does your body ever adjust or will you be peeing a lazy river for the rest of your God given life???  I got in my 80 ounces plus another 14 in tea with dinner.  I will have probably either flooded the bed or been up every 90 minutes last night.  

It was another unseasonably warm day so we walked three laps around the neighborhood which was 3.5 miles.  The chiro has always told me asphalt is not my friend where the legs are concerned so I made sure to do some PT and light stretching when we were done.  I always should but never do so I was kind of proud to just get down there and do it.   I'll admit, it didn't seem to help much because I was still pretty tight.  Yeesh.  Fall in line, bod!

Dinner was seared ahi with tomatillo mango salsa over spinach and carrot polenta.

After dinner, I saw the DVR was recording and it was The Pirate  (affiliate link) with Gene Kelly.  He actually looked like Mandy Patinkin with that wig and faux mustache, which kind of turned me off.  But then he showed more skin than ever...big ol' muscular arms in one and these hulky legs!  His athleticism is seriously jaw dropping and I admit I'm jealous.  How awesome would it be to have that grace and strength?  He held two grown men on those legs three times during one dance number.  Is there seriously anything that man couldn't do!?  He gives me the vapors, yo.

How much water do you usually get in each day?  Can a walk around the neighborhood make you sore or is it light work for you?

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Holy Weekend Recap

Good Monday mornin' to you all!

It was a beautiful day Saturday so when lunch took us close to the family cemetery, we decided to stop by.  (So I could pee for the 570th time since I'd chugged 40 oz before 10am and was paying for it.)  Thank God the chapel was open!

The Mr freaked me out by pointing out the confessional curtain looked like it had feet under it at first glance.  There weren't but suddenly I felt like a Criminal Minds episode could've been brewing so we got the heck outta there.  (BTW, anyone see last week's Criminal Minds???  HOLY CRAP!)

Since my family are basically plotted out from the front to the back of the cemetery, I asked the Mr if he wanted to walk and he agreed.  (Though I don't think he knew he was agreeing to walk the lay of the land.  Oops!)  As we walked, we admired some of the more ornate headstones.

This Celtic knot cross was one of our favorites.  The cemetery tour in Sleepy Hollow, NY gave us a lot of information about headstones symbolism which sadly isn't thought of much these days when we pass.  The Celtic knot cross has no beginning and end which is the life interpretation and the smaller Celtic crosses represent everlasting salvation, glory and love. The circle at the center of the crosspiece symbolizes eternity.  IHS is the Holy Name of Jesus and is at the center of it all.  Pretty cool, huh?  We ended up walking 1.6 miles and while it helped work off lunch a bit, both of our legs were not happy since they were looking forward to a rest day.  Double oops!  We rented two movies that night, Cell and The Meddler.   (affiliate links) Hmm.  Well, the Mr wanted to see Cell because he read the book and he liked it up to a certain point and the ending was pure poo in our humble opinions.  (I'll warn you, if you don't like gore and barf, just skip it.  I wish I had.)  The Meddler was okay.  It was a little draggy in places but it had a sweet story at its core.

Sunday we brunched hard because the Mr had a debilitating headache that left him fetal.

An omelet with spinach, green peppers and Orne Meadows cheese (I put some avocados on top of his for some extra healthy fats), the last of the organic kielbasa, banana sweet potato croquettes with a bit of chipotle honey and the last of the brioche bread for toast.  It was quite delish and got him about 80% better.

The day sucked down the tubes pretty quick so we went down and did our separate strength workouts.  I deemed lower body was a no go for me so I did an upper body burnout while the Mr did a plyo/lower body fest I picked out without previewing it.  I do mine from the main tv in the basement and he sets up the tablet for his and mutes it so we can still workout together even if we're not doing to same ones.  It's good for him it forces him to sharpen his attention skills.  ;-)

Then we settled in for the night and I got all of my meals planned for the week and pre-made some stuff as well so we can make dinner that much easier.  Workouts are going to be scaled back a bit this week since I've got the double strain on the hamstrings.  I can feel it getting slightly better but all PT will have to be light meaning no weights and the beginning versions of all exercises given to me and taking out calf raises altogether.  ("Taking out calf raises altogether."...points if you got the reference.)  I will continue making water my priority this week as well.

What did you guys do this weekend?  Any goals for the coming week?

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What I'm Reading This Week #7

Happy Friday y'all!

I'm so ready for a rest day tomorrow, I can't even tell you.  My legs are just so...ugh.

Let's hop right into...

8 Women Share the One Surprising Tweak That Slowed Their Hair Loss  (Interesting stuff.  I'd kill to have the hair I had before weight loss.  Uber fat but hairy...sexy.)

The Privacy Enthusiast's Guide to Using Android  (Excellent tips)

9 Relaxing Stretches You Can Do in Bed  (I've been doing them this week and they are awesome!)

19 Foods Perfect for Meal-Prepping Because They Actually Last All Week  (For Sunday Prep Day)

Gluten-free diet may have 'unintended consequences' for health  (Good to be aware of if you're gluten free.)

8 Things No One Tells You About Losing Weight  (Truth)

Son films mom with dementia forgetting who he is for first time  (If you get through to the end without at minimum tearing up, you might want to check your pulse)

Struggle With Anxiety and Depression? Check Out This Nifty DIY Tracker  (This could be really handy to be able to pinpoint patterns.)

20 Hilariously Real Tweets About Trying To Be Healthy (Bwaahahaha!)

Easy Roasted Garlic Spaghetti Squash  (Low carb and super yummy!)

The Mr has his test tomorrow so if you'd like to send some good vibes his way, they'd be much appreciated.  I know we'll both be happy when it's over and we can have our nights and weekends back.

What are you guys up to this weekend?

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Gotta Have Goals

(via Pinterest)

Howdy!  A little update on this week.

My goal for this week was to get in more water.  I've been horrible at getting it in the past few years months and felt like I needed to make sure I tried to make it a habit.  At my worst, I'd get in 20 oz of water in the form of tea.  When I tried to do better I might almost make 40 oz of water.  I'd consider it a personal victory if I got a whole 40 oz bottle in.  So this week was all about getting in two bottles or 80 ounces of pure water.  I've hit goal every day so far but I know not to get cocky because the weekend is when I tank again so if when I'm able to do it daily, I'll feel like I have made true progress.  Gotta start somewhere, right?

Tuesday was my last PT appointment.  Honestly, given that she only gave me one new exercise, I felt like she kind of could've emailed me that but I did want to say goodbye to them.  It was an assisted one legged squat using moving men  (affiliate link) to glide across the carpet.  She said I could also do them on a hard floor with a sock as the slide.  I did two sets of those and by the time I got home, my butt hurt.  (With an impending groin pull the next day from going back so far.)   I had a card for my therapist with a gift card in it and I wanted to cuddle with her therapy pooch one last time too.  I requested a massage with the massage lady and we had a fun conversation and she was like "wow, what have you been doing to tighten your legs like this?"  Lower body strength ma'am.  She showed me some pressure points so I will try remember to use those after I continue with my lower body stuff especially those new moves.

It was interesting because the Mr's therapist came over and was super talkative to me and all buddy buddy but the man hasn't said boo to me the whole time.  He said he told the Mr no paddle boarding on vacation and no more falling and mentioned the cross country skiing.  He mentioned that the initial meeting and I held my tongue but he pissed me off when he said it again and I decided to set him straight.  I said "let me clarify that he wasn't waving around like an idiot and fell due to his own actions.  The fin got caught on an underwater stump and the board stopped abruptly and he fell when it did.  You would've fallen too."  He said "yeah but cross country skiing?"  I said "yeah, he hit a tree root that was hidden and went down."  He said what was wrong with sitting on the beach.  I looked him dead in the eye and said "we did not lose 200 pounds to sit our fat asses on the beach.  We WILL paddle board, that's why he's here" and one of the interns smiled and got up and had to leave so as not to laugh in his face.  He said "okay, cool. cool."    Don't mess with the bull(ette), you'll get the horns.

What goals have you been working on this week?  Ever had to set someone who just doesn't "get it" straight?

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Our Valentines Day

Some years we celebrate Valentines Day and sometimes we don't.  This year we did.

When I came home from my PT appointment, this scavenger hunt game was waiting for me.

My man knows how to get to my heart and he thought the spiky hair looked like him.

My final prize was this shirt I screamed over in the Crazy Shirts catalog and he remembered!

My gifts were kind of lame in comparison.  I rented a movie he's been wanting to see but I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about, got his favorite candy bar for movie candy (Curly Wurly! and yes, it was pre-planned in the calories) and then I made dinner.

A side salad, bacon wrapped filet mignon and caramelized onion twice baked potato.  It was heavenly.

I also bought him a Body Blade that his physical therapist had him do and he said it really felt like it was going to kick his butt so why not speed things along at home.  I plan to sneak in a few sessions on it too especially to ready myself for paddling season!

Do you guys celebrate V-day?  If so, what did you do?

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Sharing is caring

(via Pinterest)

Eons ago, there was this weight loss forum I belonged to.  It's long since defunct but it was glorious because it was back in the day before everyone had a mob mentality.  You could vent about your frustrations and you didn't have to sit back and wait for someone to report you for using a "bad word" or not being positive.  I belonged to another site that had that problem and while I love many people there, the climate changed and I felt very censored and like it was a virtual school yard at times with people who didn't even know me getting their undies in a twist. That's how this blog was born!  :-)  Thankfully some people from that site choose to follow me here and I'm so grateful for that.  It's nice when you have people you click with and can share in a similar journey.

I had a group of girls I connected with on the first board and I've stayed virtually in touch with them through social media.  I even made a secret group that we could connect on so if anyone wanted to talk about weight loss, track their workouts, have an accountability partner, etc they could do that without announcing it to all of their friends and family.  We had our starts and stops when we'd be doing well and reporting in every day the first week.  Then the second week, half the people who got riled up to get back to business would check in and by week four, you might have one or two people that checked in and then radio silence for a year.  Last week, I decided to just check in and say hello and talk about where I am at with things and what frustrates me, etc.  Several people responded back and most of them talked about their own frustrations and a few who had success losing weight doing low carb stuff but then for one reason or another, gained it back.  Some got caught up in the political climate, others gave up entirely because it's just "easier to be fat."  (Their quote, not mine but I totally get the mentality.)

That tends to be how it goes for many of us on this weight loss roller coaster.  You feel so motivated one day whether it's by your own devices or being inspired by another's actions.  Then you make one bad choice or worse, a string of bad decisions and you feel ashamed.  You stop leaning on those who understand the struggle the most because you fear that they'll think you're weak or a loser when in reality we've all been there.  Why is it when we need the most support, we shrink away from those who can help us rally?  If you have a group of people who are non-judgmental and are there to give you a pick me up when you're knuckle deep in the Nutella jar, use them!

I don't know how long this wave of inspiration for our little group will last but I know two of them have now gotten back to the gym in the past 4 days, one of them who is also at her highest weight and given up went out and walked two miles and another one has committed to making small changes so as not to overwhelm herself.  That's 4 more people who are on the right track than a week ago and doing something in lieu of thinking about it.  I'm not taking credit for it or anything because you can be as inspired as you want by your comrades but if you don't get off your booty, it doesn't do a whole lot.  But sometimes if you just talk about everything from the successes and the struggles you're having, you'll see that others are able to relate and it makes them feel a little less alone.  It makes them feel like "hey, I know what I need to do so this week I'm going to make one little change to help get myself back on the right track and if I slip up, my people are there for me."

Because when it comes down to it, especially when times are tough...sharing is caring.  This Valentine's Day, give yourself and those who might be struggling the gift of re-connection and a little love whether it be a little group, commenting on their social media or sending an email just asking how they're doing.

Do you have a go to group of people to lean on when you're struggling?

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Dueling seasons weekend recap

Howdy y'all!

The weekend got off on the right foot when I had my boobs smashed Friday morning and by the time I got home from Hobby Lobby there was an email saying all was good and no cancer or abnormalities!  Can I get a halleluyer for not having to wait 2 weeks for a callback, a snot filled ugly cry of relief and having $300 in my pocket since they don't cover diagnostic mammograms?  So yeah, I was a happy girl with happy girls.  If you haven't scheduled your mammogram, DO IT!  Early detection is where it's at.

Saturday we were going to go try this new restaurant but the hipsters swarmed it and it was a 30 minute wait and so ungodly loud that we couldn't even think so yeah, no thanks.  We walked a few blocks and went to a different place for lunch with the same general theme and they were much less crowded. Of course we had to wade through throngs of d-bags getting to and fro and basically all day long.  It was like because there was a day over 60 degrees, all of the nimrods decided to spring forth.  

We decided we should probably do Target and TJ's so we got those done at the worst possible times (midday) and somehow managed to not need bail money.  I decided if winter was going to skip us that I was just going to wave the white flag and get some tulips...

...you know, to go with my Christmas tree from Vermont that's still on the wall?

Don't judge me.

We had a nice evening in Saturday and I made dinner despite a headache.  We rented this movie called The Hollars  (affiliate link) because once I saw Margo Martindale and Richard Jenkins were in it, I was sold.  It was very good and the hair scene had me in tears because I thought of when I did the same for my aunt.  Then Margo just before surgery and her kick you in the teeth raw emotion was just like "holy hell, this woman better win an award for this!"  There were a few casting choices I would've made (brother for sure) but if you want a good emotional rollercoaster with some fine actors, it's worth a rent.

Sunday brunch was delish...

Omelet (red peppers, onions, spinach and cheese, organic kielbasa, baked home fries and toast.

We did our final grocery run for the produce and then home to do a lower body strength session.  Then it was dinner time and settled in to watch Army Of One  (affiliate link) with Russell Brand and Nic Cage.  I know, right?  The trailer was just too intriguing to pass it up.  I also had to look up the real guy this was based on to see that Nic Cage TOTALLY overacted and sounds and acts nothing like the real guy.  However, the Mr and I cracked up at the absurdity of it all.  So if you want something completely weird, go for it.

What did you guys do this weekend?

(This post contains affiliate links)

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What I'm Reading This Week #6

FINALLY Friday!  

My body is BEAT, yo!  Ever since I did that friggin' Fitness Blender lower body workout on Monday, my legs have been toast.  It has not been a pleasant week but I need to add it in more so my legs get used to it and it should be the last component into whipping them into shape once and for all.

But enough of my gam groans, let's get to,..

A Visual Guide to Spice Combos So You Can Season Like a Champ  (Great recipes to keep on hand!)

This Woman Went Against the Rulebook and Reveals the 1 Thing She Did to Detect Breast Cancer  (DO THIS!  Every month!)

10 Amazing Sources of Vegan Protein   (Always trying to find ways to get more in)

11 Cooking Basics Every Grown Person Should Know  (Are there any you don't know?)

The Scary Effect Weight Has on Your Brain's Age  (As if I didn't need another friggin' reason)

Learn To Love Cleaning When You Suck At Cleaning  (I don't know if I'll love it per say but I agree with all the reasons they list)

The Things You Do and Don’t Miss Out on by Marrying Your First Love  (Interesting perspective from another person married at 21 like me.  I've got friends still in the dating game at my age and holy hell I think I'd take a vow of celebacy than deal with that crap!)

Why You’re Less Likely To Die If You Have A Female Doctor  (ALL of my docs are female...except the chiro but you know, he's a lil nugget so I'll excuse him.)

What should you eat before your workout? Best pre-work out snacks  (I wish I could eat before I workout.  It makes me want to yarf)

Today I get to get the mammies grammied.  I just got the LAST go round cleared up financially 4 months ago so this feels like "didn't I just do this?" but no, it was February 1st last year that I got the news I was good to go after a 2 week hellish wait.  I am insisting they squeeze the right boob like it's well...their job and stop treating it like Charmin (shout out to Mr. Whipple!) because I will NOT go back and have to pay $300 again because they didn't do their job right the first time.  My right is my problem child and I'm going to say if there is ANY doubt to take it again now when all they have to do is hit delete.  Jerks.

We don't have any specific plans for the weekend.  I desperately want to snowshoe since apparently like a zillion states are covered in snow except for us.  *stomps foot*  It's the last weekend where we have the Mr's stupid test studying stuff hanging over us.  Then I suppose I should start looking toward spring vacation and start planning so I'm not overwhelmed.  Given how fast the weeks are passing, it's all going to be here in no time!  :-O

What are you guys doing this weekend?

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Could ya just swoon?

The Mr tells me I'm an old soul.  I agree.  When I was a little kid, I loved nothing more than to go into my great grandma's room, rummage through her jewelry, put on her old gloves and church hats and pretend I was from the 1920's.  When I go to antique stores, if there's a good selection of broaches and clip earrings that look classic and not gaudy, I'm in heaven.

When we went to Vermont, we made a pit stop in Buffalo, NY.  That night, The Sound of Music was on.  Since we were going to the town of the Trapp Family from the movie, we felt it necessary to watch it.  We ended up loving it and bought the DVD while at the Trapp Lodge.  It was at that time, I made a personal promise that I wanted to watch 2 "classic" movies per month.  There are a lot we haven't seen but I've already made quite the dent in that promise because Sundance Channel, Turner Classic Movies and IFC all rock and are playing a crapload of classics.  

Since the new year, I've watched The Warriors, A Few Good Men, Singin' in the Rain, An American in Paris, Bonnie and Clyde, Annie Hall, Cabaret, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Fame and For Me and My Gal.  When I was little, I had a serious girl crush on Olivia Newton John and when I saw Xanadu (affiliate link) and saw Gene Kelly, I developed my old man crush.  Holy crap, watching that man dance with her to "Whenever You're Away from Me" was like magic.  It always brought me to tears. (I can't even watch that full video now, I started tearing up...nerd.)  Gene Kelly was 68 when he made that movie and that man could move.

When I finally saw Singin' in the Rain,  (affiliate link) I sat there like a doe eyed 15 year old with a smile plastered on my face in awe of his dancing and his suave nature.  That dude oozed romance.  I mean, look!

(via mptvimages.com)

Holy balls.

His enthusiasm, his humor, his grace, his dedication to his craft, that vintage dialogue that is now the stuff of Conan O'Brien skits or old Tom and Jerry cartoons with gangsters in them.  He looked like every dance number was pure joy for him to perform.  In watching that Xanadu clip, I saw that he still moved with that same elegance and grace he did in For Me and My Gal.   (affiliate link) An article I read with his wife at the time of his passing said that he always choreographed to the ability of his co-stars including an untrained non dancer (at the time) like Debbie Reynolds, Frank Sinatra and Olivia Newton John.  He thought his job was to never outshine his co-star but make them look their best.  Could ya just swoon?

Watching him is like the easiest way to make me smile lately.  They just don't make 'em like him anymore.  I mean the dude's choreography skills slay pretty much anyone current and today's influences all likely stem back to him anyway.  I have more Gene Kelly movies to get to and I can't wait!  (Just watched the whole Xanadu clip...bawled like an idiot just like when I was 6.)

Who is your classic crush?

(This post contains affiliate links.  Should you choose to buy through them, I may get a small commission.)
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Broken but rebuilding

I'm so glad we got our walk in outside the other day because yesterday it sounded like the house was going to blow over and the Ark was going to float by.  Nothing I love more than howling wind...not.  It's like an audible reminder that you're trapped indoors in case staring at the same four walls wasn't enough of a memo.

I got a little work done but it wasn't an overly productive day since I could barely walk from leg day.

Actually, even though I had every intention of phoning in cardio because the thought of something strenuous was not attractive, I ended up doing intervals during Walk Away the Pounds.  I wasn't in the mood for Leslie's voice so I muted her and stuck on a playlist that seemed pretty closely timed with every move so it made it more bearable.  Then there would be a peppy part in a song and I'd wog a bit and do arm raises to the beat or pull backs.  The Mr couldn't though with his upper body restrictions except for PT.

Speaking of which, the therapist said he's coming along well and he'll have this week and next as a two per weeker and then kick back to once a week.  (Of course once his big test is over he gets to cut back on appointments.  Yeesh)  He said the needling wasn't pleasant this time.  He said there are small improvements he's seeing like reduced pain putting on his seat belt and when he does side raises his shoulder doesn't pop as much.  Like me, he realizes that this will be a lifetime commitment.  He's got bad genetics in the posture game against him so he'll need to keep this up to stay upright.  My ankle yanked on me when I overstretched it but that was from being so sore from leg day so I gave myself the night off of full PT and rolled, did my balance board and gastroc stretches ending with the vibration plate.  Broken but rebuilding is the theme of our household!

Then it was time for dinner which was BAS (aka- Big @ss Salad)

Lettuce/arugula tossed with vinaigrette, roasted purple sweet potato, clementine wedges, dried cherries, black beans, alfalfa sprouts, walnuts and spicy chicken.  I'll take those 43 grams of protein.

What did you guys have for dinner last night?  Tonight?

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Always Learning

If you click on any of my links, you may remember this one where it shows you how you can identify you're an empath.  When I read it, I identified with every single one except one out of 33 things.  I didn't think much of it but thought it could help other people like me realize that you are wired different especially if you've ever been called "overly sensitive" or ever been told to "suck it up."  It just struck such a cord with me, I felt compelled to share.

That night, the Mr and I caught up on the DVR.  I was looking forward to the Criminal Minds from two days before because Spencer's mom (who is now suffering from Alzheimer's) was going to be on and they always have such good chemistry in their scenes.  (If you haven't watched it, this gets spoilery so watch it then come back.)  Spencer decides that he's going to take on her care and hire a caregiver for when he's not there.  It doesn't go well on either front.  In a fit of anger and confusion, his mother hauls off and slaps him...hard.  I gasped, covered my mouth and the tears just immediately flowed but I tried to stifle them because I was going to end up sobbing if I let the floodgates go.  The Mr said "wow, that was some powerful acting right there!"  I didn't answer because I couldn't.  As I fast forwarded, I swallowed hard and sniffled a bit against my will and my breathing got a little shaky as I tried to calm myself.

The Mr said "you know, I read that article in your links about being empathetic and what that means."  I said that was good and didn't think he read it because I didn't think it would really interest him.  He said "I understand you more now.  Like that scene.  I can appreciate that it was amazing acting by two talented actors but you feel it.  You empathize with that situation because of Grandma and it's not that I don't, its just that I can compartmentalize that and you feel things so deep that it's impossible for you to cover that up and I can finally understand that now after reading that article."

He went on to say that he couldn't relate to hardly anything on that list because it's not how he's wired but it was a little more like a manual to understanding how my mind works when it was listed that way.  He made sure to point out that neither of our handling of situations was better or one person was right or wrong or anything like that but it was very clear that the way I handle Grandma's situation is exactly how someone like me should handle it.  He said he wasn't sure where I got it from because my mom isn't that way, she is able to compartmentalize and then she can break down at the "appropriate" time...I can't.  I wear my feelings on my face and always have and literally can't control them.  Like at a time where you may be like "I want to cry" but you're in a place that it wouldn't be convenient like work or I don't know, the subway or something, I have tears streaming uncontrollably down my face no matter how hard I try to stop it.

The Mr says it's one of the things he loves about me is how empathetic I am because it in turn makes me very thoughtful and always thinking of others.  Reacting like that to a television episode isn't anything new because I can cry at a deodorant commercial if it tugs the right heart string.  I also watch things with happiness or enthusiasm and I'll catch the Mr watching me watch something out of the corner of my eye sometimes and smiling at what a dork I must look like.

I used to view that way of reacting and dealing (or not dealing) with situations as weak.  I wondered how I could appear so strong and stubborn on the outside (like I learned from my dad as a kid) but be so emotional and people pleaser-ish on the inside.  It's always been like this huge power struggle within myself and I'm sure it can be quite...err..."interesting" to live with at times.   But knowing that this article helped the Mr understand the things about me that may have left him bewildered in the past made me feel good.  I was happy he clicked it, grateful it shed some insight into someone he's known for 25 years and that even when you're with someone that long, you're always learning.  The day you stop giving a crap about understanding the person you share a life with, is probably when you need to do a little re-evaluation.  I'm so thankful that "my person" still cares enough to get to know what makes me tick.  It's not just something you do on Valentines Day but the little things to show you care on a random Tuesday or for no real reason other than you love someone and want to understand them better.

What new things have you learned about your significant other lately?  If you haven't, what stops you from going deeper?

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Up and down weekend recap

Happy Monday all.  I know, I know...what's happy about it?  Well, you're alive so there's one for the plus column!

I didn't start my Saturday out so great because I made some banana bread the night before and you know how you have an instinct for when it's done but you say no because the baking time says something different?  Yeah, well I should've trusted my instinct because we went to have some for breakfast and it was dry AF.  I said "I'm not wasting calories on this" and the Mr was going to eat it out of politeness and I said "don't eat that sh*t!!"  Into the trashcan.  He asked what happened which was acknowledgement it was bad and I said I should've taken it out when my nose told me it was done.  That meant I got to throw away the other loaf for my grandma because no WAY was I putting my name on that crap.  So that along with a one pound gain set me off for a salty beginning to my day.  We were meeting her midday which means you're usually stuck with time to kill.

The Mr suggested this hipster place up the street for a burger and since I had nothing better, I agreed. You ever go somewhere for lunch and you know before you even go in it ain't gonna end well?  As we approached, I saw a couple of kids with no parenting going on and I was not in the mood for it especially given my newly trimmed fuse from the morning's start.  Because I wasn't able to offer any other suggestions, I didn't feel like I could really object.  The Mr asked the host not to be put by kids if possible and of course that douche canoe headed straight for the section I was dreading.  I said "no, no, no" so the Mr could hear hoping he'd ask us to be put in the other side of the restaurant but he didn't say anything and the amount of screeching coupled with said parent ignoring the child so she could brag to a couple she ran into just made my blood pressure rise.  As I looked at the menu, nothing sounded good.  The server came out and poured us water and I looked at the Mr's glass and said "something's swirling in there."  He said "let's go."  I ignored it because again...nothing else to really offer.  Then the host brings over a couple with their 2 year old and I grabbed my coat and he grabbed his and we left.  Look, I know there are kids everywhere but this place is like a bar and my #1 pet peeve is people who bring kids in an atmosphere like that and then ignore them since they tune out their frequency.  I'll refrain from the "back in my day" speech.

So we went to a place about 1/4 mile away and I must've had a look of a woman on the edge or on her period (I'm not) and they put us in this little 3 table room completely away from the rest of the world.  It was glorious.  We had the whole thing to ourselves except for the last 5 minutes and I was good with that.  It did help turn the day around a bit.  Then we just jumped from place to random place until we had to meet grandma.  We got to see another eye rolling sign of the times...

Then it was off to grandma's and we had such a nice time exchanging gifts and catching up.  I got all of the little kitchen gadgets I asked for (upgraded kitchen shears since I nicked my last pair cutting flower stems and they've never been right, a long cake tester, a metal funnel to replace my crappy plastic one, a huge pastry blender) and a new trashcan.  It's a metal one that has a foot pedal to replace our old one that the spring just kind of threw up the white flag.  It's soooo nice to have one that actually responds quickly now!  The Mr got some gift cards for a gaming site and a 3 piece paddle board paddle so we can actually travel with all of our paddling stuff.  His current one doesn't fit in the trunk and even in the backseat it goes across the whole thing so people know you have some gear in the trunk.  Hopefully we'll be able to put it to a travel trip over the summer.  We got to gabbing so long that she was running late for her dinner engagement so we parted ways.

Sunday was the usual, brunch (but I filmed a component of this one so it was a working brunch) and listening to Brunch Cafe channel on Pandora.  We relaxed a bit, laundry, then produce refill for this week and decided to walk in the park for our workout.  It was a beautiful day even though it was cold.

I was so pooped when we got home but I had to make dinner and it took longer than anticipated of course so we didn't eat until 7:15pm.  Oy.  That's what time we always eat no matter HOW MANY TIMES we try to workout earlier or whatever.  Then we settled in to watch the Puppy Bowl because hello...puppies!  Y'all know I love puppies...

What did you guys do this weekend?

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What I'm Reading This Week #5

Happy Friday all!!  Finally the weekend so let the happy dance commence!

Let's jump right into...

How to Do Pop Squats  (Love these!)

How to Prep Your Own Healthy Instant Oatmeal Packets   (Here are some ideas for you, Mr!)

The Yolk’s on You: 2 Eggs Myths You Need to Bust for Better Health  (Well no more brown eggs for us because the shells seem much more fragile and break at the most inopportune times.)

Make A Healthier Salad  (Very cool infographic)

A fitness star with over a million followers reveals the 2 biggest mistakes people make when getting in shape  (Excellent observations!  Working on both especially the food part.  I freak over a certain calorie range.)

23 Whole30 Recipes for Two Since You Guys Are in This Together  (Not doing this program but always looking for new recipes!)

Exercise May Be As Valuable As Good Genes In Lowering Dementia Risk  (Good to know especially since I'm apparently now how genetic pre-disposition.)

33 Sure Signs That You're an Empath  (OMG, this is me!!!  Every single one of them except #7.  It's nice but not a requirement)

Chrissy Metz: "When I Booked This Is Us, I Had 81 Cents in My Bank Account"  (So glad she's having so much success!)

Hyundai Is Refusing A Warranty Fix On A Man's Car Because They Say He's 'Large'  (I'm torn on this one because we've been through it when we were bigger.  We owned one from 2003-2008 and had no problems at our heaviest.  I can understand for a 450 lb man but this dude is 300 lbs and if your seat can't take it repeatedly, then you're skimping on quality.  )

Battle of the Singing Waiters w/ Sting   (LOVE this.  The next day I was in the grocery store and Roxanne came on and I busted out laughing.)

The Mr will be taking a break from studying for a few hours so we can meet up with my grandpa's wife and finally exchange Christmas gifts.  (I'm excited, she always goes WAY overboard!)  Since we were both sick all of January, we didn't want to get her sick.  She likes my banana bread so I'll make a loaf for her before we leave and try not to slam my face in it.    Other than that, nothing much on the agenda.

What are you guys up to this weekend?

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