Thursday, June 30, 2016

A walk in the wasn't

 Howdy do, all.

Thursday already, eh?  This week is flying by.  Between hard paddling conditions in general and a rescue mission, my body was already feeling it when I went to bed that night.  Yesterday, I could barely move.  My shoulders were both shot, which is to be expected but given the shoulder injury history, I was worried.  I didn't feel like I re-injured since I could feel the pain in the "compensatory muscle" as the doc would say but I was super aware.  I iced when we got home as well as yesterday to try to keep things less inflamed.  Honestly though, the only way I could not be inflamed after that is to be in an ice bath for 20 minutes like football players.

I knew a regular workout wasn't going to be possible for me since I seemed to be in more pain than the Mr, so a walk in the park, it was.

Too bad a walk in the park didn't feel like the phrase and how it eludes that it's somehow easy.  I talked about how that trail was harder when we got back from our trip and I expected it to be much easier going into the end of the third week of "regular" workouts.  Nope.  It was actually harder for both of us.  I'm going to chalk it up to the soreness of the paddling because I just can't believe we've made NO progress on stamina in that time.

We stopped by the video store and got Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and Grandma. (affiliate links) I didn't realize WTF was a dramedy.  I'm not a huge Tina Fey fan but I thought she was outstanding in it.  Grandma was good as well but I love anything Lily Tomlin is in.

I'll be honest, I was dying to order a pizza.  Two movies, an aching, defiant body...who the hell wants to stand there and cook for 20-30 minutes??  I almost had us talked into mini English muffin pizzas and even checked the tracker to see what it would do to the numbers.  Totally would've fit.  But I made what was on the menu...

Mahi fish tacos and asparagus.  It wasn't too painful to prepare but switching it out would've taken away a lot of protein and I felt like maybe my muscles needed a little extra.  Sigh...damn you conscience.  No, actually thank you conscience.  Old me would've said eff it.

Did I mention we're paddling again tonight?  Yep.  My aunt asked if we could teach her and given she's a caregiver not just for grandma but her MIL too, I figured if anyone needs a relaxing hobby, it's her.  I was going to offer lessons but she beat me to it and I'm very happy about that.  So I pray that I'm feeling a little more recovered today.  We're going to a no wake zone where it's more shallow so there shouldn't be a 30 foot deep splash pit to worry about this time.  You can bet I'm watching the weather/wind like a hawk too.  (Insert hawk cry)

Happy last day of June!

Rented any good movies lately?

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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Staying calm in the face of panic

A few days ago, I saw that we were going to have somewhat of a cool spell.  Cool being like...80.  I checked and saw the winds were supposed to be under 10mph and figured if we were going to get paddling season underway then there would be no time like the present.  Of course because we were warm into December last year, we found ourselves on the low water on December 13th paddling while listening to Andy Williams "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."  Still makes me laugh when I watch it.  But then winter set in and we never got the stuff back out to properly clean it for end of season.  So I thought I should clean out the yak and camp dry the canvas parts for the impending paddle.

Since we had three vessels that all needed to be tested for the season, I asked a grade school friend of mine if she wanted to come along.  We'd taken her for her lesson last year and she seemed to like it.  She said she was game so we met her at the ramp.  As we were sitting there waiting for her, I saw a shift in the water and it went from slightly swift waves to dark and choppy.  I wasn't liking what I was seeing based on it being our first paddle of the season with wimpy muscles but she was already on her way.

We got all pumped up and ready to roll and as I waited for them to come out, I was getting pushed from the side so I knew it was going to be a fight.  I hoped the waters would be kind to the paddle boarders because no one wants to end up in the drink if they don't have to.  This particular area is especially deep pretty quick too.  We were aiming for a small cove across the lake and as I saw both of them stand up, I saw both were shaky but seemed to recover quickly.  Unfortunately, the lake had other plans.  The direction of the chop was slapping us upside the boards/yak and making them unsteady.  Just before I could suggest we angle into the chop...


She went into the water.  She seemed okay as she instinctively went into a doggie paddle and had her life vest on.  But the terror on her face reminded me of something...she's terrified of the water!  She wanted to do this last year to get over her fear and this was probably her worst nightmare.  She'd taken in a big gulp of water when she went in and was starting to hyperventilate a bit.  I paddled over to her and had her grab onto my yak while I fished her board closer for her.  She was trying desperately to get back on any way she could but in a panicked state and I told her very calmly to regulate her breathing first.  It was imperative for her to be able to look at us and know that we weren't freaked out so she shouldn't be.  I had her breathe in and breathe out deeply to stop her from feeling any further anxiety.  She wasn't able to get onto the board with the direction I was giving her and I think it was making her anxious so I told her no big deal, we'd paddle back to shore and she could either stop or kayak instead.  She agreed and I told her I was going to tow her back to shore.  We have extra bungee cord in our dry bag for just such an occasion so I tied one end to her board and the other to my life jacket.  I noticed she was starting to take in water again and told her to lean her head and neck back, relax and enjoy the ride back.  She helped kick and I paddled against that chop as hard as I could to get her to safety.

I was so relieved when she was able to touch and could steady herself.  I think I would've called it a day but she said she wanted to kayak.  So we got the seat set up on her board and once she felt confident again, we started paddling.  The chop was still pretty bad...thanks meteorologists for always getting it so wrong!  It was somewhat leisurely since we chatted along the way but after we realized the landmark we were using wasn't getting any closer, we'd basically been doing nothing but treading water for 45 minutes!  It was just one of those turn on a dime weather situations.  On the way back, the board was trying to flip her the wrong way and she just couldn't get enough leverage to straighten herself the right way.  I paddled to her left and told her I was going to bump her to try to get her straight.  The board was unsteady and I think she thought she might go in again.  I told her to tighten her core with each bump until we could get her pointing the right direction.  I did and paddled right next to her so she'd know I wasn't going anywhere.

It was quite the adventure especially for the first paddle of the season!  Rat bastard water!  I was just so relieved she was okay and she actually wants to go out again!  I told her we'd take her somewhere shallow and teach her how to get on the board where she can just touch and then again where she can't touch so she can have more confidence and know that if she goes in, she'll have the proper technique in any situation whether with us or renting.  She agreed.  Poor thing.  We hugged her and told her how proud we were of her because despite being scared, she's not letting this beat her.  There's something to be said for that in any situation.  I checked on her later to make sure she still felt the same and she did.  If nothing else, it burned a goodly amount of calories...

I prepped some stuff before we left so I could throw together dinner of chicken quesadilla and Brussels.

As I recount the events and the outcome, I must say I'm kind of proud.  I know some people would be tempted to freak out right along side the person but that doesn't help.  She needed me to have confidence that everything would be okay and that we weren't going to let her get hurt.  When we were packing everything up, I asked her if there was anything we could've done different to help her more because I want to know should I ever be in that scenario again.  She said we did everything we could and didn't yell at her.  I laughed and said I couldn't imagine someone yelling at someone in that situation.  She said we didn't roll our eyes or I think she was getting at we didn't make her feel inadequate.  We assured her that we've all been there and we have.  It's important to stay calm in a potential crisis and be ready for anything...and I'm glad we were.

Have you ever been in a scary water situation?

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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I am a Fisher

Nathaniel.  Ruth.  Nate.  David.  Claire.  Brenda.  Keith.

Some of you just smiled or heard this in your head.  If you know who I'm talking about then you are likely my spirit animal.

For those who don't, I promise to at least try to make this interesting as I talk about a show that has been life changing for me over the past 15 years.

Many of you have heard me talk about Six Feet Under in passing but after having watched it again over the course of June, I felt compelled to share why it means so much.  I discovered it when it was in it's 4th or 5th season but Bravo had picked it up.  While flipping channels, I saw Jeremy Sisto standing in nothing but a towel looking hot.  Color me intrigued.  So I watched the rest of the episode.  It was amazing and I wanted more.  I checked the guide and saw they were having a marathon from the beginning on the weekend and after that, we were hooked.  I'm so glad at that time we did not live in a society where everyone was hellbent on "spoilers" and we could watch the show in peace until its ending.  If you've seen it, you know what an ending it is.  It is sad on its own but it will be so much more meaningful if you watch the whole series, which is available for free if you have Amazon Prime.

When we got home from the trip from hell last month, this show was the first one I wanted to turn to to comfort me.  We typically re-watch the whole series every two years but usually after some massive tragedy in some way.  Some may think watching a show about a funeral home would be depressing but it's just the opposite.  I never laugh as hard as I do the first season.  It lets you know life is screwed up but we have to find the humor in those moments we are given.  It lets you know that you need to stop being so arrogant in how you view life.  Statistically my dementia ridden grandma will die soon...but how completely arrogant of me to think I couldn't die before her??  Accidents and horrible things happen every day and this show reminds you of that.  To quote Brenda...

via Six Feet Under's Facebook page

This show reminds you to LIVE.  To not take the little things for granted.  I needed that reminder.  I needed to be reminded that despite having our flight cancelled and dealing with utter idiots for days, no, weeks now that I was lucky that I had someone to lean on that whole time. I even told the Mr when we got back to the hotel at 3:30am that I couldn't adult without him and I wasn't freaking out because I knew as long as we were together, everything would be fine.  So I was aware of it but getting home and having to fight for what we were owed as well as other things piling on required a dose of suspended reality or a reality check.  How can a show give you that kind of thing when people in your life can't?  Only SFU fans know for sure.  It's not something that can be described.  I have seen so many people say how each subsequent viewing changes for them in some way and we are the same.  As time passes, we empathize with some characters where we didn't before.  We tolerate stupid behavior from some people a little more because you have to remind yourself where they are in their journey and try to relate how stupid you acted at that age when you were trying to find yourself.  It reminds you that no matter how old you are, you may never find yourself and its really a lifelong journey to be the kind of person you truly want to be.

This time around, I never felt more like a Fisher.  Truly just screwed up and beautifully flawed.

I am Nathaniel Fisher. - While it's true we don't get to learn much about Nathaniel as himself, only the projections of people he loved and their own crap, I think that when Nate goes on his quest to find out what the red star funerals mean is when he learned the most about his dad.  (And totally freaked at how little he actually knew him as a person and not just his father.)  Everyone always notes what a "wicked sense of humor" he had.  I am labeled the same way especially in my family.  "Anele's so crazy, you never know what she'll say or do."

I am Ruth Fisher.  -  After her stint in The Plan, I totally get her need for intimacy.  The Mr and I have talked for many years about this.  I feel the need for more than just a surface relationship with people and find when I try to talk about deeper things whether it's with family or a few friends, they want no part of it.  It's like we live in a world where everything is surface and going deeper could get ugly and who wants that?  I do.

I am Nate Fisher. - I really hated that this go round I related to Nate so much.  The first time I watched this show, I was totally in love with him and his character.  With each subsequent viewing, I see how flawed he was but so desperate for a balanced, peaceful life.  I can so relate it's not even funny.  I just pray I never get as bitter as he was in "Time Flies."  I feel myself slipping to that place and need to dig out.

I am David Fisher. - No, I'm not gay but can't we all relate to someone who loathes themselves so much and feels undeserving of happiness.  That is especially true when you're overweight.  Society hates nothing more than a happy fat person (I thought we were all supposed to be jolly??)  David represents that insecurity in all of us and I hope to God I reach a level of self acceptance that I can truly be at peace with.

I am Claire Fisher. - Claire always went for the wounded.  I did too.  In school my mom used to say I "collected strays."  I was always the new kid and when I saw another new kid that wasn't doing so well in the social circles, I took them under my wing even if that meant my other friends weren't on board with them.  Claire fell for highly imperfect men that everyone questioned...until her last one of course.  Also, I may not be a professional photographer but doing creative work for a living, I can tell you it can be draining.  You are constantly comparing and when you're not inspired, it all suffers.

I am Brenda Chenowith Fisher. - This one is hard to express because who would want to identify with her most of the series?  LOL  But thanks to coming from a broken home at age 8, I am still plagued with the ghosts of infidelity by the three most important men in my life before I was 11.  I was subconsciously drilled with the message that men leave.  The poor Mr has had to pay for those ghosts and the first year of our marriage I was so convinced he was going to leave, he had to actually tell me he couldn't live with the constant attitude and third degree when a woman's name was brought up at work.  Even though I am much more secure in our marriage, my subconscious still haunts me.  As recently as last week I had a dream he was getting ready to cheat.  When you grow up emotionally broken, you feel like no one will ever want you and if they finally leave, you can some how be right.  And alone.

I am Keith Charles Fisher. - Keith was always strong tempered (due to his father) but rarely took crap from anyone.  He could tactfully tell it like it was and be understanding to what other people were going through but made it clear he wouldn't take a step backward for anyone.  Right there with you, dude.

It can be scary to see yourself in characters that you used to view as totally screwed up but there is also a comfort in that to a degree.  If someone wrote that character, it means you're not alone.  It also means you don't have to stay in that space.  I was a proud, sobbing mess at Brenda this time.  While I always saw the evolution of her character, I never felt more inspired by her until this viewing by season five.  (Oh, and I think the Mr and I might be Quakers now but that's for another time.)

I am so thankful for this show.  I am thankful for the lessons it continues to teach 15 years after it's gone off the air.  I am thankful for the reminder to stop treating life like ANY of us are promised tomorrow...diseased or not.  I am thankful for the hope that just because you aren't in the place you want to be in your life that you can't get there or die trying.

What show completely changed your life?

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Monday, June 27, 2016

Scenes from the weekend

This weekend went by far too quickly, just like last week.  Beh.

Saturday I recreated one of our favorite dishes from Charleston's Brown Dog Deli, the mesquite turkey croissant.  It was so yummy!  The only real change I made was using pineapple mango jelly.  I also made some homemade mac and cheese from Hominy Grill.  So it was a Charleston celebration all around.

We went to the farmers market and then perused an antique store where I found this baby and wished we had room for it somewhere.

We chuckled when we saw this at the sporting goods store...

Took us right back to 1992 and our first camping trip together.  We bought some of that and I threw a sh*tload of it on the fire because I'm impatient.  Every year, we'd have "butane chicken."  I can only imagine what it did to our insides.

Another thing that made us laugh was this gem from Trader Joe's.

Before we knew it, it was Sunday and once all of the grocery runs were done as well as a little shopping, it was later than I wanted to get started working out.  But we did.  We did ATLETICA by Powerstrike with light weights and as usual, it kicked our butts.

The only way to recover was healthy doses of protein and vitamin A from the grill.

Just like that it was time to plan the meals for the week, get in a little DVR viewing after having finished the Six Feet Under (affiliate link) finale Saturday night.  My eyes weren't quite as bagel-esque as I thought they'd be so that was a plus.

I've got a house to clean and plans to get in order for the week so I suppose I should get to it.  Sigh.

What did you get into this weekend?

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Friday, June 24, 2016

What I'm Reading This Week #25

Friday already huh?  The week seemed to zip by but I'm not complaining!  :-)

Let's get right to...

6 Ways to Break Out of A Fitness Rut  (Word)

7 Tricks to Make Portion Control Easy  (Good tips)

Here's the Easiest Way to Undo the Harms of Sitting All Day  (Get up, stand up!)

How Fixing Your Feet Can Improve Your Workout  (Trust me on this one!)

20 Fitness Hacks That Will Change Your Life  (I don't know about change your life but good info)

The Benefits of Adding 10 Minutes to Your Workouts  (This is so right, especially the stretching which we're not always good at)

10 Fitness Fibs You Tell Yourself  (Are you guilty?)

What the Media Always Gets Wrong About Weight Loss  (If you read the other two depressing articles it's referring to, make sure you skip to the paragraph that says "Why You Need to Know the Whole Truth"  I think anyone who goes on something as extreme as some uber weight loss show method with that kind of exercise (8-9 hours per day which is obviously not sustainable) and then thrown back into their old environment is likely to gain weight back.  I think it's true to a lesser degree for the rest of us going the slower route.  My 2 cents but still the numbers sucked to see in the first study )

Researchers discover ‘holy grail’ of breast cancer prevention  (Good to know especially if you're BRCA positive)

5 Tricks That Will Forever Change the Way You Pack a Cooler for Camping  (For those about to pack up for some family fun)

25 Things to Look Forward to About Growing Older  ('s own version of Fukitol)

10 Pet Peeves That Drive Pro Organizers Crazy  (I don't care if it drives them crazy but there are some good tips)

You Might Have Free Money Waiting for You on Amazon  (The Mr did!)

Fried Chicken Was Very, Very Different in the 1700s  (Courtesy of the Mr)

I am Jason Mewes AMA  (Surprisingly laid back and polite)

We're going to the farmers market tomorrow.  It's grocery refill weekend I think this particular market is going to be in full swing.  It's not in the pretentious side of the town but the country bumpkin side of town which I much prefer.  Lower prices, nicer people, less hipsters and bigger produce.    Woot!

What are you up to this weekend? 

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Thursday, June 23, 2016

Food Review: Trader Joe's Riced Cauliflower

When we were grabbing our usual stuff at Trader Joe's, I happened to see they had a bag of riced cauliflower by the bags of Brussels sprouts.  I heard about this, especially with all the paleo recipes out there, but I knew I'd never take the time to run a head through a food processor.  Besides, the Mr doesn't like cauliflower so I figured it was a no go.  I held up the bag and said "wanna try it?" casually and he said okay so I threw it in the cart before it registered what he agreed to.  But he does love his Chinese food and I thought if there was another way to get more veggies in at dinner without it feeling like it, then it was worth a try.  

Here's the bag.

I had some fresh ginger and leftover white parts of scallions so I cut those up.

I added them to the riced cauliflower and steamed it for three minutes.

I had two servings of frozen peas going in the skillet and I added the cauliflower to it.

You could totally leave it that way after a few minutes of sauteing.

I had other plans.

I finished out the 3 tbsp left of the chili jam and gave it a stir.  Looks just like fried rice, huh?

I put four ounces of chicken on top and sprinkled on some sesame seeds and we had a nice Chinese dinner!

The verdict?

I'd totally get it again.  I probably wouldn't steam it first and would just saute it like the package says but I was afraid if there was any kind of toothiness to it that the Mr would wrinkle his nose at it.  I would also use 2 tbsp of chili jam because I don't know if it was the bottom of the barrel or what but that shizz was HOT!  I think the person who coined the phrase "fire in my belly" was eating chili jam at the time.  But I like it hot so it wasn't bad but I know he likes it just a little less spicy than my furnace belly can take.  I'll let you see what he thought in his comment.

So basically the pictured meal was 360 calories compared to 430 calories if I'd done a serving of rice and I got more veggie rice volume wise.  So I would say go for it if you are looking to cut back on your rice consumption or just want a change of pace every now and then.

Of course this is Trader Joe's so snag it while you can...who knows when they'll yank it.

Have you ever used riced cauliflower as a rice substitute?

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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Polka went to Paris

Many of you may remember that in September the Mr surprised me with a trip to Sharon Springs, NY to go to the Harvest Festival and tour the Beekman Farm.  If you ever watched The Fabulous Beekman Boys, you knew of their drama llama, Polka Spot.  I used to laugh when they'd call her a diva, thinking it was just a term coined for TV.  When we got to see her in action though, she did truly have a presence.  It was a sight to see.

Polka Spot was figuratively and literally above the goats she surveyed
Sadly, yesterday Brent and Josh announced that after a short illness, Polka Spot "went to Paris."

She could not have lived a more glamorous life and I'm sure she felt the love from the people even if she wasn't quite a people person herself.  I remember when she came into the barn, several people going to the fence to snap pics and fawning over her.  She was having none of it.  She kept her distance but didn't mind the attention.  I was so sad to hear this news but so glad that we went for that long weekend last year so it wasn't an opportunity missed.

The Beekman site has been flooded with people sharing their own stories of meeting her and just a general outpouring of love.  In these times where so much violence and stupidity are highlighted and thrust in our faces, it's nice to see that one animal is mourned for just unapologetically being themselves.  We could all take a lesson from that.

Have fun in Paris,'ll be missed back home.

Has a non-traditional animal made an impact in your life?

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Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Productivity and when is Fall again?

Yesterday was a pretty productive day.

I decided to put my money where my mouth was and do some prep for dinner.  I made turkey meatballs for the spaghetti I was going to make later.  So I used half for the meatballs and the other half I fried up some burgers for us to have for lunch today.  I took the leftover homemade baked beans I had and divided them up and ran 'em through the Food Saver.  I bought 4 ears of corn and baked them up and put one through the Food Saver and I need to grab the other two and seal those up too.  That way if we get a hankerin' for cookout food, I won't be burdened with having to deal with two pain in the rump dishes.  (I roast my corn in the husk turning it every 10 minutes so it's one of those things that needs babysat.)  Today I'll put together the spices and coating for my ahi fillets then I will have it ready to roll after our workout.  If we're lucky, we can squeeze it in earlier.  I think it's not supposed to be gross hot like it was yesterday.  If any of you saw Facebook, you know I'm not down with gross hotness of summer...

Last summer was awesome.  It rained a lot and then people complained we only had like 3-4 90+ degree days.  We've already beaten that.  I think last year was an El Nino year or something.  Does that mean that this weather pattern is supposed to be normal for Fall and Winter because I'd really love some snow where we're going for Christmas.  (Or just in general.  Using the snowshoes once a season really just sucks.)

I got in my 2 bottles of water and today should be an awesome food day and I need to decide what kind of strength we're going to do.  Definitely upper body because after kettlebells the other day, I was practically crippled yesterday.  We had to give each other butt massages before we could even start our workout!

Then we popped in Six Feet Under  (affiliate link) and watched a few episodes.  We're nearing the end of Lisa's time with us...thank God.  Though I must say, as usual, I find myself able to see other people's points of view again this time.  Oddly it is the people who irritated me the most on the show.  It's not that I agree with them but I can see their side on a few things where I dismissed them in the past.  Sadly, I can also relate to characters in ways I wish I didn't.  I guess in some way, we're all a member of the Fisher family to a degree.  There's a whole blog post in that, I'm sure.  If you haven't watched it yet, Amazon Prime that bad boy.  Life changer and not just in the first viewing but every subsequent viewing.

Here's to hoping my butt muscles have magically realigned overnight and walking won't have me looking like Quasimoto.

Have you been productive lately?

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Monday, June 20, 2016

Doobies and rebuilding

Howdy all!  It's Monday again.  Yay.

We were both down 2 lbs.

I got to cook all day Saturday since restaurants around here are just so unimpressive anymore.  Every time we go somewhere I just feel like "ugh, I can make that better."  But then that means I can't ever get a break.  We're even talking about me cooking on upcoming vacations and I don't mind that since I got all of May off but I'm going to try to pre-make most stuff, freeze/Food Save it so I just have to heat it up.  I want the control of calories/sodium but without the work.  I know it'll be a pain in the butt ahead of time when I make the stuff but I have two ovens so I can cook two different things at once and hopefully blow through them since I want to make stuff that can double over two days.  Like I want to make meatloaf that we can have for dinner with say roasted red potatoes and then the next day or two we can have meatloaf sandwiches with mashed potatoes from the leftover potatoes.  I also thought I could make a batch of chili and separate and Food Save those into 4 servings for a lunch and dinner.  I suppose I should put that into practice for prep day, huh?  It'd be nice to just come up after a workout and throw stuff in the oven instead of having to chop or mix stuff.  I need to get better about that and take some pressure off of myself.  Plus it would get me up more during the day.

Saturday I was going stir crazy.  The city was basically shut down with so many activities and being a passenger in that navigation was not going to put me in a better mood.  So I said drive to the country.  I put on a playlist and got the Best of the Doobies  (affiliate link) going.  It always seems to be mandatory listening when heading out to the old stomping grounds.  I kind of wished we'd gone past my old house but I probably would've thrown myself on the lawn and cried.  I'm feeling very suffocated by city and burb living and desperately want a small house on a patch of land and for people to just leave me alone.  I have been in attached living my whole life except when I lived in the country for 2-3 years at various times in my childhood.  I'm glad for it and now I long for it.  I just need someone to mow my lawn because I remember how crappy that was mowing my dad's 3 acres when he moved out to East BuFu.  My mental state is up and down but I guess it's better than being face down in the mud 24/7.

I weighed in Sunday morning and was only up a pound instead of the sodium laden 4 when we eat out which tells me that me cooking on the weekends isn't going to end anytime soon.  I know for sure I could never run a food truck since I can barely cook for two without getting overwhelmed.

Shrimp and cheese grits
Yesterday we did Ultimate Kettlebell Workout by Paul Katami  (affiliate link) with light weight.  I did 10 lbs because I knew with 50 minutes of the regular and ab workout that I could seriously injure myself if I went higher than that.  By the end of the workout, my shoulder was sore so I was glad I didn't push it. Despite my wanting to go higher, I need to be smart right now.  I still got a heck of a cardio workout out of it too.  That's the weird thing about "re-building" is those workouts that were so easy before are now challenging again and it's kind of nice.  After the workout, we had dinner and went to the grocery store.  One of the specialty stores had a $5 off coupon that ended last night and they're the only place that sells big ol' ahi steaks.  They also had honeycrisps on sale for $2.50/lb which is unheard of this time of year.  We're all refueled for the week and ready to kick some ass.

I was happy I still continued to hit my 2 water bottles per day over the weekend.  That is usually a weak spot for me but I did well and I think the Mr did too.

This week is about keeping up good habits and reinforcing them.  I'm still in no hurry to jump back to the HRM since I'm trying not to beast out on the shoulder.  It doesn't stop me from checking my wrist even though it's not there during a workout.

What did you do this weekend?  Do you check your wrist for your HRM/fitness band even when you're not wearing it?

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Friday, June 17, 2016

What I'm Reading This Week #24

It's Friday y'all, can I get a booty pop?  (Booty pop dance...I didn't mean fart.)

On that classy note, let's get right to...

The Health Benefits of Sweet Potatoes Are Pretty Amazing  (I know I love 'em!  Funny...didn't used to as a kid)

10 Ways to Cope With Anxiety  (Might try a few)

The 6 Stretches Everyone Who Sits at a Desk Should Be Doing  (Please excuse me, I need to stretch)

We asked a dietitian what anyone who wants to start eating healthier should do — here are his 3 best tips  (Pretty common sense but still)

How To Get Back On Track After Losing Sight Of A Goal  (Will do)

Making the Most of Life Experiences  (Still learning)

Here's What Happened When I Actually Quit Complaining for 21 Days  (Might give this a try...when all the payments/deposits are returned.  Until then, I still have something to complain about.  :-P  )

19 Workouts to Help You Become Your Strongest Self  (Flex dem biceps)

The FDA approved a weight-loss device that sucks food out of your stomach  (The Mr and I would joke about needing a "release valve" for those times we overindulged to discomfort.  Now that it's actually here and is basically a barf machine, I think we'll pass.)

What to Do When Your Flight is Cancelled  (Aww, I feel so special we were in the 1.59%!)

New Bill Passed to Reduce Long TSA Security Lines   (I'll believe it when I see it.  When you're in a 30-40 minutes security line at non peak time in a smaller Hawaiian airport, you know there's a problem.  Yet people still show up 30 minutes before their flight and get mad when people won't let them ditch.  Sorry, some of us show up 2 hrs prior for a reason.)

Facebook Offers Tools for Those Who Fear a Friend May Be Suicidal  (Good to know!)

The First Sign Of Alzheimer’s May Not Be What You Think  (Are you guilty?)

8 Keepsake Crafts That Honor the Memory of Loved Ones  (Really sweet ideas to keep those who have passed close to you.  I'd like to add Project Repat.  They make a quilt from shirts if you're not sewing inclined.  Sign up for their newsletter and get 15% off)

Before & After: An RV to Call Home  (Wow!  For that RV, I might be willing to dump my own crap at one of the RV parks!)

The Annoying Way Facebook Is Forcing People to Download Its New App  (Oy.  It does one good thing with the suicide thing and then goes right back to being shady ol' Facebook.)

17 Clear Signs You Were Raised Right  (Amen!)

Harrison Ford: I Can't Get Away From That ''Damn'' Indiana Jones Theme Music  (Doo da doo da dooooooooooooooooo!  For the Mr.)

I believe it's supposed to be gross hot again this weekend.  I'm hoping maybe with some breezes?  It stinks because we had some storms the other night and it ripped down my heavy new guinea impatient hanging basket...right onto my peas and beans.  Fingers crossed they're resilient?

On a good note, we got our payment from the travel insurance place reimbursing us for the extra expenses that American screwed us on.  If you buy plane tickets, GET THE TRAVEL INSURANCE!  Yes, you may not need it but when you do, you are glad you paid for it!

What are you guys up to this weekend?

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Thursday, June 16, 2016

The plan to get out of the riptide... (3 of 3)

If you haven't read part 1 and part 2, give 'em a peep.  I'll still be here.

So this week, even though I'm not feeling it at all, we knew it was time to buckle down and truly get back to business on the health front.  When we did that Walk Away the Pounds with light weights (5 lbs for me) last Friday night and I was sore the following day, I knew we were in trouble.  I knew I was in bigger trouble when both of our shoulders hurt.  Yep, the shoulder injuries we had before we left.  We both mistakenly thought having 5 weeks off of any kind of strength routine burdening the muscle might be the last thing to help them heal completely.  Before, we were trying to heal while still doing strength sessions and just didn't feel like we were healing like we should.  So the realization that we're going into sessions still injured is just irritating to say the least.

Sunday, I wanted to freestyle a weight session to see where I if the WATP session didn't give me a huge hint.  So I started with 8 lb weights and worked the upper body from various angles.  I did ventral raises, military presses, curls, upper cuts, all of it.  When I was done with that round, I upped it to 10 lbs and knew by listening to my body that any heavier than that would end me up in some pain.  We did 30 minutes because flaring up an overuse injury isn't on my to-do list.  I just want to focus on getting back to doing our old stuff right now and building shoulder muscles.

If we ever want to paddle again, we have some serious rebuilding to do.  I think if we tried it within the next two weeks, we'd definitely regret it.  Honestly, I don't even know if 2 weeks is being optimistic because we've backslid so far in our strength.  If 8-10 lbs of basic strength exercises makes me so sore, I can't imagine trying to move this whole body with that same upper body anytime soon.  The Mr doesn't seem to be in any major hurry on that front either so I'm just going to take it slow.  Maybe 2-3 small strength sessions this week in addition to cardio.

I know the water needs to increase but I can only focus on going for two bottles per day right now.  I can't expect to overhaul everything at once.  I don't recommend it to others when they ask where to start and right now it almost feels like starting over.

My body is constantly sore and feels inflamed from the exercise.  I know I'll adjust but this part just sucks.  We've gone back to tracking this week calorie wise, I've hit 2 bottles of water each day and we've exercised every day since Sunday in a more formal manner instead of walking.  I did decide I was not going to wear my heart rate monitor this or next week.  I need to get back in the habit and while I'm in a diminished capacity, I can't be obsessing over numbers.  It's bad enough I can't get away with that "intuitive eating" crap and have to plan every last calorie but I know me, if I don't think my heart rate is high enough, I go nuts trying to overdo it and my body just can't take that right now.

On the mental front, the Mr and I have had some good talks this week as a result of these posts that have helped.  We have also made another decision and that is to not watch TV.  I find that commercials are too much for me and have been for a few years.  If you don't work from home, this probably sounds ludicrous but trust me, when you have on TV as "background" you begin to realize how much you mentally absorb.  I actually wrote about this last year.  If it's not the drug commercials and their 40 side effects, it's lawyers or junk food or whatever.  We used to start our day with CBS This Morning and besides being grossed out half the time between Charlie and Nora's flirtations, you were greeted with "here's how effed up your world is in 90 seconds and now we'll tell you about it in detail after the abbreviated version."  Who wants to start their day with that crap!?!  Even local news is just plain ridiculous.  "Here's who got shot 2 blocks from you!" or whatever latest tragedy.  It truly is Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry."  The only reason I watched the news was for the weather.  Since we never watched TV ONCE in Hawaii, we weren't anxious to get back to it when we came home.  We didn't care about what dipshit thing was said by whom in the presidential race, I didn't need to hear about the latest deaths around the world and just giving you a general sense of dread about the world we live in.  So no more news.  If I want to see the weather, I hop online real quick and check our local station.  Done.  It goes without saying that every day, someone will lose their life in some stupid horrific way so I'm just putting a blanket prayer out there for them and the people affected but I can't consume it anymore.  Yes, we do still record our favorite shows and watch them but with it being summer, nothing is really on but when we do watch an occasional show, we fast forward through commercials.  The rest of the time, the music channels are on and that is my background.  Ignorance is bliss where this world is concerned.  I'm a big believer some of the reason this weight is hanging on is because of the constant stress since our return.  I need to do as much as I can to keep myself on even keel and not having live TV on has been a big help on that front.  If I look outside and there isn't a steaming crater, I'll assume it's safe to go outside and live my life.  I don't know how long this will last but so far so good.  7 weeks and counting.

Tuesday was probably the best day I've had mentally this week.  The Mr was teleworking and we sat outside and enjoyed the patio a few times.  We grilled out for dinner and rented movies (Hello, My Name Is Doris and 10 Cloverfield Lane)   (affiliate links) We also got our refund for the difference in first class to coach from American.  Only had to fight 3 weeks for it.  Now we're just waiting for reimbursement from the claim we filed with the travel insurance company for the incidentals we had while on the island the extra 2 days (meals, baggage fees, rental car).  I'm still waiting for our security deposit back from the last condo.  We usually have it back by now and I emailed them Tuesday to let them know I've rented from them multiple times, I know I should have it back and I took video of the spotless condo upon our check out to prove it so what's the deal.  If I could pass a tip along to anyone, it would be that.  If you have a security deposit on the line with a rental, film the home upon your departure.  Show the empty trash, empty dishwasher and every room and especially every bullet point they ask you to do upon exit.  That way if there is ever an issue, you have video proof of how you left it.  (I learned that from a tight ass we rented from in San Francisco who had signs ALL over the house telling you all the ways you could lose your $500 deposit.  Not this chick!)  My stress can truly subside once we receive our travel insurance claim check reimbursement and the $200 security deposit from the condo back.  Both have until next Wednesday for their deadlines for payment.  Once those are returned to us, the trip will truly be behind us with nothing hanging over our heads.

So that's been our plan edging back into things.  I know our bodies will go through an adjustment period the next few weeks so I can't really freak out about any numbers on the scale.  (Though I'm sure I still will anyway.)   I also know one good day here and there doesn't mean everything is back to "normal."  I can't rush this process but I don't plan on unpacking my bags and staying in this mental location.

In case some of you are wondering, "why would she share all of this depression crap?  Who wants to read about some fat chick who had a string of bad luck, made bad choices and is now having to pay for them?"  Because if you've been following me for any period of time, you know that I share the good, bad and ugly.  I'm not one of those bloggers that blows rainbow kisses up your butt to pretend my life is shiny and sparkly while hiding the 100 other crappy things going on in my life.  Showing you nothing but the good stuff isn't my style and doesn't do anyone any good in my opinion.  "Success along the weigh" isn't just a blog's about the everyday successes one has to overcome whether it's weight related or life related.  Somehow weight always tends to tie in though.  I may never be at a medical doctor's healthy weight for my height but I'm not the only one.

What I do know is I will never get back to 494 lbs.  Keeping over 200 lbs off with nothing but our own diet and exercise program will always be a big success for me.  I will keep fighting.  I am healthy inside (I've got the numbers from my physical to prove it) and will hopefully one day be healthy outside.  If seeing my struggle, whatever that may be, can help ONE person, it's worth it.  If my struggle offends delicate sensibilities, they can go elsewhere.  But if you want someone who is going to show you the flaws as well as the triumphs, you're in the right place.

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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The physical part of the struggle... (part 2 of 3)

If you missed part one, click here and catch up.  It's a doozy.

When we were planning our trip, we were so in the right mindset as far as how we were going to try to keep up with some kind of exercise ritual while we were there.  We made a playlist of our favorite YouTube workouts, had some of our favorites on the tablet, we had practiced eating slow, chewing thoroughly and a drink of water after each bite to get fuller faster, had the resistance bands packed and told ourselves how important drinking a buttload of water was.  We were psyched because we weren't going to fall into the same traps as some previous vacations.

See, here's the problem.

Our work schedule was pretty jam packed full for the first 16 days.  I'm talking we were up at 6am every day hiking, walking all over or just being all over the place and by 8-9pm we were passed out on the couch or went to bed.  The thought of coming home and doing an additional workout in addition to all of the activity just wasn't going to happen.  Honestly it didn't need to then, we were active though certainly not active enough to outdo crappy food choices.

I felt like I had the usual gains but nothing that was really changing my body or that made me want to pull back from the horrible habits I was forming.  Donut shops?  We tried 'em.  Sometimes multiple times.  Pie shops?  Visited those too.  We basically ate like they said "you have one month to store salt and sugar for the next year before we switch you to pepitas and water."  I would say it was a 50/50 split on the "worth it" scale.  For the 50% that wasn't worth it, it makes the gains all the more regrettable.  You add the stress we were under throughout the trip and the ol' stress eating monster that I thought I beat was more than happy to nudge me toward the things I didn't need.

Our water intake was basically zero.  Whatever water we drank at restaurants and a couple of swigs from the water bottle was it.  Nowhere near our regular intake.  The Mr got into a nasty root beer habit and I got the occasional passion orange juice because its not available here so you suck in what you can.  I'm not a fan of drinking calories at all but we did on occasion.

Then there was Kauai.  We were active the first day at the same pace as the other islands.  But the couple times I wore flip flops and walked on hard tile floors at the Kona house had seriously screwed up my feet.  They're actually still screwed up and so are the Mr's.  Now we were in a condo with people below us so jumping around wasn't going to be very neighborly.  The weather pattern was holding up so the only way you could get to a sunny locale was to get up and start driving and hope you got an hour or two of sunshine before clouds rolled in.  The rain meant most of the trails were muddy messes so no hiking.  Well what about paddling like we did 3 years ago?   Didn't happen.  The few times we went up that way it was raining and when it wasn't, we just felt too fat and uncomfortable to do it.  Thing is, neither of us cared as much because we paddled at home all last summer even in December so we didn't really feel like we were missing out on something.

Pufferfish syndrome had set in.

It was truly scary how my body put my new motto "if you don't care, I don't care" into action.  All of my clothes fit relatively the same most of the trip until day two of Kauai.  Then everything was tight, I was standing differently to accommodate my newly expanded gut, my arms which I now called my "malasada bags" because they are now big, fluffy but unfortunately not light were just too much to ignore.  I was determined that we would jump right back into things as soon as we got home.

We buy first class seats because the masses are put off that fat people like to travel and if they do, they should pay more for it.  That's fine, we have the means, so we do.  There's nothing I love more than sashaying past some asshole that gave us the look of "please God, don't put her next to me" when they call first class.  I can cross my long legs, the seatbelt is never a problem because they don't cut and shorten the belts for repairs like they do in coach and I don't have to worry about my lard pushing into the recline button uncontrollably.

Then they cancelled our flight...and knocked us out of our comfy first class seats and didn't sit us together.

Full blown panic set in.  The only thing that comforted me once we'd mentally checked out of vacation after turning in the rental car was that we could relax a bit up there and maybe catch some zzz's on the red eye.  Now they took that away and not only that, they took away my man so that I would get the sighs and potentially kicked off the flight depending on who was next to us and how much of a stink they could make.  I was nowhere near the weight of the guy in that article and was pretty sure I could still buckle my seat belt back there but I didn't want to find out I couldn't in front of a stranger.  I was melting down on the inside while blank and pale on the outside waiting in line for hotel vouchers with the Mr.  When he gave me the phone to make a call, I literally couldn't comprehend anything I was reading.  My brain had checked out and I felt horrible putting it all back on him but it actually scared me that the words I was looking at on the phone were not being computed by my brain.  Two hours spent in the hotel voucher line and of course we were given what was left because people kept ditching or going into the other line.  You could feel a fight was going to break out if anyone said anything about it to the ditchers so no one really did except for some old guy who ended up doing the same thing.

By the time we got back to the hotel, it was 3:30am.  Did I mention the hotel was right next to the condo we were still paying for that night but had already turned in the keys to the agency drop box because you know, we thought we were flying out that night?  In looking back, there were many signs we weren't going to leave that night.  I heard that flight leave like clockwork every night and mentioned it in my journal so of course, OURS wouldn't.  I bought more snacks than usual including breakfast so we could have it in Phoenix.  We ended up having it in our hotel room because there were no restaurants close by.  I've NEVER done that in 20 trips.  Just little things like that that in hindsight make you cringe or be thankful you did something you'd never done before.

The next day was not spent enjoying the extra full day like people think when they learn we got an "extra day" but fighting with two airlines to get seated together.   Because now we were dealing with Hawaiian to get us to Honolulu for more options and American.  Someone would tell you one thing and you'd check online and it didn't match or a change was made and it would kick out assignments on another leg.  I have never seen the Mr so defeated.  I think if one of us suggested walking into the ocean hand in hand and disappearing in that very second, there wouldn't have been much resistance.  It was a day full of anxiety, defeat and growing the weather was crap so it's not like we were missing much.  (The nice day came the day we left which was true every island we left that trip.)  It took an actual trip to the airport in the same line we checked in the night before and some nice AA employee (a few do exist!  Not many though) assigning us seats.  But instead of assigning the two we'd asked for which were just the two of us on the side, they put us in a three seater in the middle with someone on the Mr's right.  Looking back it was probably a weight balance thing but still.  Thankfully we ended up with a wonderful woman next to him that actually retired from the same company in another location.

The longest leg was spent in coach and while I was thankful my seatbelt clicked without an extender (we have our own) my long legs were already touching the seat in front of me.  Once the guy in front of me reclined, it was over.  I was moving every 10 minutes to keep from my legs going numb or getting stuck with the arm on the left side.  My legs, already very prone to getting uber effed by the smallest thing, were now in the worst possible position.  I silently cried as I watched movies to make the time pass.  This is where the depression started swallowing me.  Even being in first class the last leg from Dallas wasn't overly comfortable because it was an old plane and basically only an inch bigger than coach, nothing like the ones we had on the way out.  I didn't care, just get me the hell home.  When we did, it was SHEETING rain.  Welcome home, suckers!  We dove into our usual pizza because I'm not cooking after a travel day, much less one I've been up for 35 hours for.  We went through the mail (note to self, hold mail an extra day...never assume you're coming home when you're scheduled to...when you finally get the gumption to fly again) and just vented about Hawaii being the butt and us being the toilet paper that trip.

We refilled groceries and the first week was like a half assed attempt at just getting back into normalcy while fighting the worst case of jetlag we've ever had.  We'd eat decent most of the day and then have some kind of crap because we were sinking into depression having to get together all of our receipts and deal with airlines for reimbursements.  I did make us go to the park and walk the trail so we'd get in some kind of activity.  You know, the trail we walked with ease before we left?  Well now, I had to stop for a second at the top of the stairs and I haven't had to do that for years.  Some parts with inclines made me breathe a little harder than I did before and I knew my endurance was shot.  Instead of motivating me, it sunk me further.  I was emotionally drowning.  Oh yeah, my new gynie also called to reschedule my appointment and could I come that Friday?  I knew I would have to weigh in before that appointment because if I waited, depending on how bad the number was, I could just fall into a puddle and cry uncontrollably.  We did weigh in and were greeted with a 20 lb gain.  Honestly, given how much my body had 'reconfigured' I figured I was up 30.  Who knows, a few days prior when we first got off the plane and my legs doubled in size after being crammed in coach for 7 1/2 hours it could've been 30.  We knew weighing in would've been devastating in our mental state at the time so it wasn't a priority.  Now that I was forced to I just kind of felt ambivalent about it and figured more would come off like before.  The Mr said to weigh in on that Saturday (2 days later) and I almost didn't but we were both down 3 lbs.   So now we were 17 lbs up.  If we were going to get more weight off like we had in the past, we needed to get on it.

Did we?  Nope.

Instead we went insane that Saturday where sweets were concerned because I was still heavy in depression.  We did get the patio together and gardened a bit which left me so sore I could barely move a few days.  (I also think I pulled my shoulder lifting a bag of mulch.  Aces.)  To try to just throw ourselves back into "formal" exercise, we did walk away the pounds with 5 lb weights Thursday and T25 Friday.  I somehow equated that activity with being more than I did the week before and we weren't randomly picking up a candy bar so that should help.  Nope.  Weighed in and we were exactly the same spot.  That insanity day wiped any chance we had of losing anything.  Now it stuck.  Now we truly effed ourselves.  We let the depression swallow us and set us back at a point where a good chunk of weight is usually off.  We made it that much harder on ourselves.

In that moment, I felt "why bother?"   I just didn't have it in me to care.  I was happy the Mr lost a pound but I was kind of expecting 2-3 lbs each.  I saw physical changes in my stomach and thought it would register on the scale and when it didn't, it was just another kick to the face and this time with my own steel toed boot instead of someone else's.

I went through waves of depression over the weekend and I had to decide if I was going to drown or learn to surf.

Come back tomorrow to see if there's a life preserver or if I'm at the bottom of my ocean.

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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The mental part of the current struggle... (1 of 3)

Well, I think while I was sleeping my body was re-reading old blog posts or something and came upon this one that revealed my new motto for the year being "if you don't care, I don't care."  I think it was tired of my mental check out since our return from vacation and said "well, obviously she likes feeling like utter shit mentally and physically so I'll just get comfy."

Let me explain.

When we were on vacation, everything went wrong.  Yes, it was technically a vacation but it was a working vacation for us.  We have Hawaii related businesses and we bought some expensive equipment we needed and waited for it to arrive.  The weird thing is, from the time we booked the vacation, we weren't excited about it.  I booked everything last 4th of July from plane tickets to homes and when it was done the Mr half excited said "Hawaii is booked!"  I gave a half smile and said "yay?"  We both laughed because we acknowledged we just weren't quite as excited.  After you've been to a place 13 times, you know what to expect so we figured it was just the familiarity of it all or something.  I could not get the motivation to plan that trip at all.  I needed to be very precise with our filming schedule because we needed to maximize our time in each quadrant of the islands.  I finally did finish planning it...the day before we left.  When we got there, it was cloudy but that's island life...they'd been in a drought, rainy season was over so we should be fine.  We got up to Haleakala at 4:30am our first day there in freezing temps.  (We dressed for it but it still wasn't enough and I just wasn't packing our winter coats as well.)  It was crowded and it was a crappy time to realize the tripod the Mr had so carefully researched was a steaming pile of dung.  The pan screw would not tighten so a smooth transition wasn't in the cards... just a slight bump would send it whipping to the other side.  We became hyper aware of it and with an Aussie lady doing everything she could to stand right in our shot and a Brit using me as a tripod, I don't know how someone didn't go over the rail with my boiling rage.  But we got it, it was fine and we made our way other places.  It was a decent day in the morning but as mid morning approached, clouds rolled in and blue skies were nowhere to be found.

The next day was the Hana Highway and this is a drive you really just want to do once given there are over 600 turns on it.  Not a typo.  It was pure rain.  Now we've done the highway many times and we always expect drizzle but no, this was pure, sometimes driving, rain.  That makes for pretty pictures.  By the time we were halfway through, we felt like we were wasting our time and a check of the radar showed there was no letting up the rest of our time on the island.  We were both pissed at the weather, pissed at the tripod and the general circumstances and ended up being assholes to each other on our 20th anniversary that day.  When someone asks me how I celebrated my 20th anniversary, I immediately think of me crying on a black sand beach alone.  So yeah...can't get that back.  That night we did manage to have a nice dinner and after, the Mr bought me some earrings I'd been eyeing and they were literally a mortgage payment.  I didn't bat an eye because I thought "screw you, I deserve these after our anniversary being ruined."  Now in my right mind, there was no way in hell I'd have said yes.  My leveler head prevailed a few days later and back they went.  There was just too much bad juju attached to them.  Every time I saw them, while they were beautiful, I was reminded of that awful day.

There were other things but basically the weather pattern was the same for 70% of the trip.  It got better when on the Big Island, the Mr fell into the salt water with our expensive camera.  Yeah...dead.  (The camera, not the Mr...though I'll admit, not so nice thoughts ran through my mind the rest of the trip.  That trip was the only reason we bought that thing.)  All I can say is thank God I scheduled it.  So I got to spend the next day dealing with idiots at the insurance company to which I was openly mocking one of them while he was still on the phone.  I'm asking you a question to see if accidental water damage is covered and your answer is start a claim and find out???  Asshat.  Then the only working camera we had got screwed up as well mechanically so zooming while recording was no longer possible.  Did I tell you it also had either dust or a scratch on the inside?  You can imagine my delight when 5 days into Maui, upon watching footage we saw BOTH cameras had a crapload of dust and rain spots on there so everything we filmed over those days was useless and we had to re-film what we could.  That was the beginning of my mental breakdown.  So our luck pretty much went that way the rest of the trip until our flight (last one out of the day) was cancelled.  We picked the wrong line for hotel vouchers and couldn't even enjoy the extra day and a half we had on Kauai because we not only weren't getting the first class we paid for but they weren't seating us together.  We were now split between two airlines instead of one and pretty much all day was spent dealing with that AND a personal trip to the airport to get the last of it sorted out.  (Even then it wasn't all the way.)

So we pretty much wasted thousands of dollars on a trip from Hell, didn't get the shots we wanted in our usually decent weather and a milestone anniversary was flushed down the toilet.  (Let's not forget the delightful email waiting for me of ....grandma needs hospice, research that, will ya?)

I slipped into a drowning depression from that email until now.  It got so bad a few days after returning that I honestly didn't care if I woke up.  Yep, I'm just going to admit it.  I didn't necessarily want to kill myself per say but I was indifferent to life in a way that said if I don't wake up tomorrow, who f**king cares?  Please don't recommend meds.  Don't freak out.  I'm dealing with it.  We have both gone through depressive episodes before and we were both in the trenches the first few days.  The Mr even said "look, I'm depressed too so I can't help you right now."  I began keeping my thoughts about the vacation and the situation with dealing with the airlines (which we're still doing by the way) to myself.  A few days later, my attitude and inability to handle just life in general apparently snapped him out of his and asked what he could do to help.  Having suffered from depression before, he knows there is nothing anyone can do to help.  You just either wait it out for as long as you're comfortable or you go next level.

I am not in the "indifferent to life" stage anymore which is a relief but I'm still mentally struggling to just not say screw it and share a blood supply with the couch.  I did make it a priority to get the patio together and somehow that helps to a degree.  I went from saying "I'm not doing flowers/herbs this year.  Why bother, it gets used for a month then we stop going out there" to grabbing a broom and scrubbing it down so we have an outdoor space we can enjoy as long as the neighbors or their demon dogs aren't infringing.  (They add a whole other stress to my life as I try to work from home.  Too bad they don't make ultrasonic devices that actually work.)

I feel like I'm not adulting very well.  The world has changed in ways that are just overwhelming to me and no I'm not talking about (insert latest horrible thing taking up news coverage) but just how people are to each other in general.  The Big Island was the highlight of the trip because people still let people in when there's traffic and you actually get a wave or two for your kindness.  People still smile at you there.  I can count on ONE HAND how many people texted while driving there and the occasional kid walking home from school.  The only people that were annoying were tourists who brought their mainland attitudes and driving styles.  Then coming back here it was people invading your space, not staying in their lanes, pushing to be first behind a 3000 lb weapon they were driving and right back to seeing the worst in parenting, or lack thereof.  I know I need to let these things roll but I can't.  It all affects me because I can't just enjoy some damn time somewhere without seeing people being rude and inconsiderate to each other.  We all have to share the planet, can't we not be idiots and maybe be empathetic and not apathetic?  But that's a whole other thing.  It needed to be mentioned though because it contributes to my current mental state.

Every person deals with their depression differently and it can last a few days, weeks or months depending on who you are and your coping mechanisms.  I know I will come out the other side at some point.  I know it's probably not coming along as quickly as the Mr would like either because my attitude was apparently not pleasing to him the other night before letting out a huge sigh after I was going to a lot of effort for dinner and I almost sent corn and pork chops flying over the fence.  Luckily for him once he saw how much effort I put into it, he thanked me several times for what I did and it calmed the beast.

But honestly, there is almost nothing worse than being in desperate need for a vacation and having almost an entire month of vacation flushed and come back to more crap to deal with.  We're going to do a "make up" vacation of sorts in October where we essentially do not a whole lot.  We didn't get much downtime at all in Hawaii and we relished what time we did have.  It's been either overwhelming or full throttle since our return so having a week to decompress isn't a wish, it's mandatory.

I did say there is ALMOST nothing worse in the last paragraph, what was worse was the physical toll.   Come back tomorrow to hear about the awesome way we failed ourselves on our vacation and upon our return.

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Monday, June 13, 2016

Scenes from the weekend

Ugh, where did the weekend go?

We started Saturday by going to the farmers market.  Even at 9:20am, there were wall to wall people, many of which have not heard of deodorant.  All I could think of was "last time I was at a farmers market..."

Kona Farmers Market

You start to take for granted how cheap they sell the 'exotic' fruit for in Hawaii and then when you come back here...ugh, twice the price.  Nothing looked particularly "must have" but we did get a loaf of sourdough bread, spinach, green leaf lettuce, broccoli and I thought something else but it's escaping me right now.

We went to World Market where I was praying they had in their Hawaiian display because I wanted to pick up some Lilikoi jelly from Hawaiian Sun.  The whole reason I didn't ship any back is because I knew they would have it.  Well, it's nowhere to be found.  The woman said she didn't know if it was pushed back (maybe til after Father's Day?) or if they aren't doing it this year.  Sigh.  Seriously?  I've been hard pressed to find passion fruit anywhere to make my own too so I'm not a happy camper.  While there, we passed a display and the Mr pointed out some burlapy looking outdoor curtains with outdoor rod.  I just said the night before how I was irritated at the gaps between our fence slats and if the weirdo  neighbors decide to do more with that prefab fence slab, than lean it against ours, that means that wench will be out there with the nosey neighbor committee holding meetings.  Well given we caught our other neighbor peeping through the slats a few years ago (we put up an outdoor blind to promptly shut that down), the thought of putting up a curtain to retain some privacy sounded good.  So after perusing Amazon to make sure we were getting a good price and with my 10% Explorer coupon, we got a decent deal and headed back.  Of course the curtains were 96" and I needed 72" so that meant some hemming was going to need done on my part.  Yay?

We installed the rod and I marked the curtains, checked them again when they were pinned and made adjustments before sewing the first panel.  Man those things stink...literally.  Plus after hand sewing on the floor for 90 minutes, my back was toast.  Thankfully the Mr put together a list of 80's videos on YouTube and we watched those all night to make it go faster.

Sunday my legs were seriously hurting and I don't even know why.  The Mr was kind enough to massage them and I returned the favor since his plantar fasciitis has made a comeback and we haven't even paddled yet this season.  He got laundry started while I made brunch.  I wanted to finish that other panel so I got to cutting, pinning and sewing.  We hung them up and really liked the way it looked.

If we want to make sure no one is peeking below, we'll just pull them shut.  I haven't decided whether or not I want to do Velcro on the inside or sew a button on it or something.  We'll see.  Before we knew it, it was almost 3:15 pm.  Nothing like half the day being shot.   :-\   We still needed to go to two grocery stores and workout.  Then it was time for dinner, so I did some chops on the grill, sweet corn and a sweet tater.  It was a nice way to break in the lanai.

I feel like I need another weekend though because I was totally exhausted by the end of the day.

What did you guys do this weekend?

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