Righting regrets

I've always liked that saying...mostly because we often don't realize how true it is.

There are many things I regret with my weight gain over the years.  From concerts coming to town that I had to pass up because I knew I wouldn't fit to lunch or dinner invites I turned down with people I ended up never seeing again for one reason or another because the restaurant they chose wouldn't accommodate someone my size to not being there for other people because the strain of self consciousness was too much for me to put myself out there in public.

One of my regrets was a mix of weight related self consciousness and just being young and selfish at the time.  There is kind of a gap in time between me and the two cousins of mine I'm closest to.  One is nine years younger than I am (the one who has lost 80+ lbs recently!) and the other is about 17 years younger.  Both have told me at various times I'm their 'favorite' cousin and I know what that means because I had the same when I was a kid and I'd like to think parts of my personality are like him.  I think it's good to have someone in your family you can look at and always know you're going to have a good time with them or you can look up to them or whatever.

When the one closest to me in age was in high school I was on my way back up from a weight loss and the self confidence I had gained was quickly dwindling.  I began to not want to go anywhere when he was a freshman so invites to see him play football were either turned down, ignored or put off for "another time."  As the high school years went by for him, my weight continued up until I was close to 400 lbs by his senior year.  Needless to say, we never made it to those football games.  My fear, whether irrational or not, of having some jerk teenage kid (or heck these days adults) yell something at me, make a noise or just do something to embarrass me was paralyzing.  So paralyzing I missed some of his proudest moments at a pivotal time in his life...the same with his sister.  She was very active in high school and by the time her high school activities came around, we were at our highest ever and we would've been the side show for sure.  We were the kind of big that makes people double take and sadly it wasn't until we lost weight that we realized that.  We only went to one event of hers and it was the most uncomfortable, physically taxing 3 1/2 hours of our lives and we knew that wasn't going to happen again until we lost weight.  We didn't start that endeavor until her senior year so again, we missed out.

As I get older, I think of things that happened to me as a kid or teen and ways that other people let me down.  When I was going through it with my limited life experience, it would feel like the world coming down on me.  I would think "why am I not good enough?" or "what did I do?" or "how could I change to make them want to be around me or have a meaningful relationship with me?"  When you're that age, you automatically think it's something that's wrong with you. You don't think that maybe there's something going on with the other person that they don't have it in them to give at the time.  I spent almost 30 years wondering why I wasn't good enough for my father to want a relationship with me to realize within the past 7 years or so that it wasn't me, he wasn't cut out to be a dad.  It doesn't make him a bad person, it's just the reality of what can happen when you have a child way before you should.  (I mean hey, I'm glad they were feelin' randy as teens but you know, I don't blame him that he didn't have the emotional maturity to realize what he was getting into at the time.  Now how it's been handled into adulthood on both ends...that's another blog)  But I'm getting off track to a degree.  I just cringed to think that someone whom I adore would ever think that I didn't go to something that was important to them because I didn't think they weren't good enough or didn't want to share in their accomplishments.

I sent him an apology yesterday.  I know with his weight problems the past few years he would likely understand a little more.  I wanted him to know that it wasn't him, it truly was us and we were just not at a place emotionally where we could get over ourselves and our insecurities at the time.  I felt better sending it even if he thought I was weird or maybe going through a personal crisis.  He told me he understood and felt the same when he was at his heaviest and never resented us and some other mushy stuff that made me cry.  But it was imperative to me that he know that it was my problem and I'm so glad he does and that our relationship is so close.  I wish we could all get that from people who have made us feel less than even if that was the furthest from their intent.  I think we all have good intentions and put people on the back burner because other things (some important, some not and sometimes we're just lazy) get in the way.  Sometimes we need to remember that our attention, even in small amounts, can mean the world to someone else and they don't care how big we are or how bad we think we look...they just want to be acknowledged by us to know that we think they're important.

Have you had regrets about the lack of time you may have spent with others due to apprehension about your weight or how you feel about yourself?

====================
Like this post? Don't miss another one...subscribe via email or RSS feed. (Because you're cool like that!)