Mammy's Grammied

I have one of the best gynecologists ever.  She's chatty, thorough and you really don't mind she does the voodoo she does because you know that you're getting her full attention when it's your appointment time.  I knew this was the year that she wanted to do a baseline mammogram on me.  She likes to get them young so that when you have to start getting them when you're 40 she's got something good to compare it to when your ta-ta's were in tip top condition.  I have heard all of the horror stories and seen all of the cartoons...

The Mr came with me and I was fine until we were about a mile away and then the butterflies set in.  The girl checking me in was super nice and her South Carolina drawl was somehow soothing and I expected her to offer me sweet tea or a mint julep.  She took me back and showed me where to disrobe and put on the paper gown that opens in the front.  I guess when she went back out front she told the Mr. "she is so cute and sweet!"  I was not feeling so cute with no Ralph Lauren Blue to scent my wrists, no lotion to soften my skin and no deodorant to stop me from getting nervous pit sweat.  After I came out and sat down, the tech came out and took me into the room.  I envisioned them having to suspend me Mission Impossible style from the ceiling.

She would take my boob out as I dangle and they would clamp down with the big metal vice, turn it until I screamed in pain or my nipples blew out and then take the xray.  Or maybe they would have a guillotine style bookend deal going on and you'd stick your boob in there, the tech would run behind a bulletproof screen, push a button and the 50 lb. metal slab would drop and my breast would pop and the Mr would light a candle.  Thankfully neither of these scenarios were close to the way it actually went.

The tech felt me up for symmetry then put the left hooter onto the slab.  Just above it was a plastic piece that did the alleged smooshing. She had me hold on to that bar on the side there and then she lowered the boom the plastic smooshavator.  It gingerly sat on top of it and she walked back to the computer to take the picture.  I thought this is where she would hit some button back there and it would drop harder until I couldn't feel my extremities or dropped to my knees which would be physically impossible since I was trapped under a supposed vice and I'd be dangling by my boob just swinging there while she Youtubed it.  Nope.  She pushed a button and it took the xray and lifted up.  I whipped around and said "uh, that's IT?!"  She laughed and said "yep, can you believe the horror stories floating around out there?"  She did the other side and that was a little more uncomfortable because apparently it liked to wrinkle up or something so she was whipping the right one around like she was making cinnamon rolls or rolling homemade pretzels.  Push, flatten, knead, repeat.  Peel it off due to nervous sweat.  Push, flatten, knead, repeat.  Pin it under the plastic bookend, hold my breath and release.  Then it was time to contort to the side a bit.  The left one was on it's best behavior.  The right one said "yeah, the Mission Impossible thing would probably be the smart way to go."  They had to take an "exaggerated angle" on the left one and I basically had to get into the crab position like I was in 7th grade phys ed.  Awesome.

She said she was going to give the screenshots to the doctor and she'd be in to talk to me.  Oh!  You mean I don't have to wait for a week totally freaking out wondering if they found something?  Score!  They brought the Mr back as I sat in my glorious Brawny gown.  The doctor came out and said I had a completely clean bill of health and there was no reason to do the ultrasound they booked just in case.  She said I'm good to go until I'm the big 4-0 and unless there's any kind of change or pain, she'd see me then.  I cannot begin to tell you the relief I had when she told me that.  I was never worried about the actual mammogram itself, I was worried about the possibility of there being something wrong.  I am so grateful that I have a clean bill of health, that my boobs didn't explode or deflate like the cartoons elude to,  that I wasn't tender afterward, that I had the courage to do it because I know there are many out there who don't because they're afraid of what could be found and that I have a Mr who goes with me to all of my lady appointments even if it's just to give moral support from the waiting room.  So for anyone who has heard horror stories and is putting it off because of that, I can tell you if you have a B cup or above, you're good to go.  I've heard it can be a little more uncomfortable for an A cup but not by much.

Afterward, I felt like doing a little "trauma shopping" so I picked up some food bloggie stuff.  A few people who knew I was doing that wanted to see what I bought so here's the haul:

I got the plate and milk glass at Anthropologie and the other stuff from Sur La Table's sale section.  The Mr dutifully tagged along and when I offered to go to one of his man stores he said "no today is your trauma shopping day."  Man, I love him!

Have you had a mammogram?  What tips would you give for those who haven't had one yet or if you haven't had one, what would you want to know going in?

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