Monday, November 12, 2012

Train Wreck

I don't even know where to begin.

We had an out of town engagement last week and imbibed on deep dish pizza and cupcakes.  The dude gave us a free one because we got in before closing.  You'd think that would be solely responsible for my grotesque gain Saturday but I was already up those four before we went.  The next day, my weight hadn't changed and I added another day of exercise so that I burned 800 calories more than my personal requirement for the week.  (5000+ calories total)  My system was all messed up and weigh in day I was bloated as hell.  The Mr was up as well.  This was not a good combo for our mindset.

We were trying to get some stops in on our way out of town at a couple of antique places and we had a couple of restaurants all loaded up in the GPS and of course every one of them was closed.  Our time table was getting shorter before we had to meet my friend and I was frankly a little ticked that we had to settle for this crappy deli in a cow town.  The sub I got ended up being pretty good but as I waited for it, I was stewing, he was stewing and by the time we reached the bakery that was one of our destinations, all resolve was gone.  We both didn't care, said so and said we'd deal with the consequences later.  It was ugly.  Delicious...and ugly.  I thought the worst was over as we enjoyed the day with my friend.  We drove home and the gluttony continued for dinner.  When I got home there were some emails waiting for me that fed into my irritation.  Despite being full, I jammed more down my throat and was miserable; so much so that sleeping horizontal was not in the picture.  My mind was racing thinking of all of the different directions I am being pulled and I couldn't sleep.





I finally couldn't take it anymore and got up and cleaned the photography studio which had doubled as party decor central for the Mr's shindig as well as the studio with no props being put away.  It was depressing to look at and stressful so I thought if I could cross that off the list, I would feel better and maybe help digestion from being upright.  I threw away scraps of paper, twine, raffia and just general crap.  I got all of my place mats and napkins in one spot and saw the top of our desk for the first time in months.  My beautiful chair from West Elm was buried too and I rescued it.  Come 4:30am I did everything I could without getting loud and went to bed.  I fell asleep for 15 minutes before becoming restless and went on about 60-90 minutes of sleep Sunday but I was excited because I was going to get the duvet cover I wanted from Pottery Barn.

I woke up with the worst headache from grinding my teeth in addition to still feeling full.  The pain was horrible.  The Mr came in so I could get ready and I told him about the emails, we griped for a little while and I got up.  I could feel a horrible depression coming over me.  It was grocery day so off we went at 8am and got to it.  It felt like we were rushing through the stores really quickly and we knew we were forgetting stuff.  Target was full of awesome Christmas stuff and I couldn't even get excited about it.  I just moped around like someone had shot my dog.  I wasn't even excited about getting my duvet and I've been checking the website every day for a sale that's never coming.  All of the joy had been drained from me from one day to the next.  We got home and I had a bowl of cereal...passing up the frosted donut we had freezing from the bakery (we do it every winter so we don't have to make road trips out there and vacuum freeze them).  They hadn't made it to the Food Saver yet so I found myself obsessing over it.  I asked the Mr to sit next to me as I felt sorry for myself and started doubting everything about me.  Everything from who I am to why I'm doing this blog to feeling like I just wanted to run away and live somewhere else.  (With him of course!)  Then his work phone rang...

Yeah, I knew what that meant.  Our Sunday was going to be shot.  Willpower lost.  Open mouth, insert donut.  The rest immediately went into the vacuum sealer so we wouldn't be tempted any more.

One hour passed...two...four...six...and seven hours.

The Mr asked if we should just do a strength workout since he was still on his conference call.  I told him it felt like if we did half a workout it would be the beginning of the end for us and our spiral would get worse.  He agreed and we did 25 minutes of HIIT 25 and 25 minutes of free weights.  I burned 900 calories and felt good that we decided to do a 'real' workout.

Tick tock...eight...and finally nine hours later, the Mr was done, Pottery Barn was closed and the house looked like a craft store and grocery store had exploded.  (I had to keep busy somehow while he was working)  The Mr was kind enough to do dishes and we settled in for the night.

I'm not proud of how we reacted to this horrible mood and it is rare we're on the same page in a bad way but I pray we're past the worst of it.  Yeah so those of you who look to me as the model of willpower and what to do, sorry to burst your bubble.  Some days...I suck.

On another note, this week I'll be bringing you some great Thanksgiving recipes that I hope you guys will love.  I know we do!

How do you deal with going off the rails in a big way when 'getting right back to it' or any other cheerleadery crap makes you want to gag?

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  1. I do pretty much what you are doing. Own the failure. Give (modest) credit for anything you did right. Focus on improving.

    The good thing about hitting a bit of a rock bottom is, you have no where to go but UP.

    (I also find it helps me to tap into my competitive nature, especially if it's tied to petty sibling rivalry--if I think my sister is "beating me" at being healthy/losing weight, it really lights a fire under my fat butt).

  2. I've been struggling a lot lately, and have been for some time. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. What I do know is that this week you and your Mr. will recover and by next weekend this will all be just a horrible memory.

  3. Honey, I look at you as a REAL role model. I don't need perfect, bubbly, cheerful, or any other type of fairies riding unicorns peppy encouragement. I live in the REAL world and need (desparately) the truth about how hard it is to keep going. If you do it right ALL the time how can I possibly measure up to that? And would I even keep trying?

    I know that set backs suck but would you have believed three years ago you would press through a workout after the day you had? Even after the Mr suggested you just do strength training? Progress is amazing....don't sell yourself short.

  4. My dear friend,

    I've looked up to you since the day I found you on sparkpeople not because you act perfectly all the time. I look up to you because you're real, and you're doing it and if a day or two are down, the next four you make up for it. Because you look at this very real situation and you take a pause to giggle and share it with us, because you put it all out there good and bad, because if we pretend the bad isn't happening along with the good then we're just glossing over the reality of the situation. For such a big part of our lives, we just ate the cupcakes and the donuts and didn't really give it a second thought. Any second thoughts we had, we pushed to the far recesses of our mind to be digested another day. Now, in your new life, you're dealing with it. You're actually acknowleding that something isn't right and you're actively trying to do something about it. You're talking and blogging about it and just putting it all out there, good bad and ugly. We love you for it, and it gives us hope. Hope that we can keep going too even after cupcakes and donuts and phone calls and emails that derail us. Just keep pushing, my friend. We have your back. :)


  5. Sorry, that was a little cheerleadery and I didn't want it to be. I will burn my pom poms!!!

  6. Oh no, I never, ever have any truly awful, off-the-rail days. Or weeks.*

    But if I did, I would remind myself of this quote (for which I can't remember the attribution): "You don't drown from falling into water. You only drown if you stay there."

    And I've proven it, time and time again. Fortunately, I now have awesome muscles now and have learned to swim with the tide until I'm out of the rip zone. Looks like you're swimming, too!

    (*Why, yes, I do have swampland for sale. :) )

  7. You don't even know me and yet you described my 'bad' days perfectly.
    However, I know from experience and your deteremination that "this too shall pass".
    I'm so proud of you for completing your workout when it was probably the hardest thing you've done for awhile.
    Keep up the good work!

  8. It must have been atmospheric changes; I had a similar weekend. (And I had such high hopes for the weekend!) I have no special words of wisdom other than to file it in the memory book and hope for better things today. It will happen!

  9. Just know that you are not the only one to have bad days. Knock on wood but I haven't had a bad day in a while. I do know that one can hit you like a mack truck.

    Keep in mind that you have a different life now. The new and improved you, the stronger you, picks yourself up and keeps on going!

    You have come so far and I believe that you are stronger than you think you are!

  10. Own it, and move past it.

    I'm a Rec league cheer coach (not sure how I let that happen) so I can really gag you with cheerleadery stuff. Picture 20 girls 4th-6th grade with red, blue, and silver foil pom poms cheering you on.

  11. My dear dear friend. We all suck sometimes. It happens. We don't think of you any less just because you had a tough time. You see it for what it was and you even pushed past it and worked out anyway. That is a victory in my book.

    Keep that beautiful chin up friend. Hugs and hoping for a better day for you today!

  12. Well at least you didn't bake! That is seriously aweakness for me and on a day like that, well, let's just say, franks grandma would not have ended up with many cookies.

    Feeding our selves when we are angry is just something most of us do, have done and probably will do. Sometimes we just want to feel better and we go back to old habits. The problem is, now, we have changed and it just makes us feel crappier.

    Thanks for talking to us about it. On to a new day. ( I love doughnuts!,,,)

  13. Why do you think this changes you as my role model? This is exactly why. Yeah, I bet it sucks that you and the Mr. were both down and ready for this at the same time. But, I also know that you will rebound from this, either you or the Mr. and one will bring the other back on the rails again! And during all of this I will still be watching you for guidance and being in awe of what you and the Mr. have together and accomplish together! You guys are still so awesome in my book! I wish, only wish, I could bounce back as fast as the two of you do.

    Chin up. Face Forward. You got this.

  14. Yeah, well, sometimes we ALL have days that we suck--I seem to have plenty. Good thing we still love ya anyway!!! Soldier on...

  15. I'm sorry you had a rough weekend, but thank you for sharing. You've had great success and by sharing the reality of your struggle you are helping me to see that you've got to shake it off and keep on going. I see it as a lesson that you recognized the problem and forced yourself to take action and regain control by exercising. I had a rough weekend myself - when you eat crap you feel like crap, and I ate a bunch of crap last night.
    It's a new week! Have a great day!

  16. If I thought I had to live the rest of my life without ever turning to food for comfort, you could just shoot me now. What the others have said about role models is true for me too, but I don't view you so much as a role model (in fact, didn't you once reject that title?) as a down-to-earth friend with a devastating sense of humor, who happens to have achieved an incredible feat. And still counting. I never did think you were perfect, just somewhat more determined than most. Thanks for not proving me wrong. ;)

    As for how I deal with it, pretty much the same way you did, only I'd have skipped the workout and eaten a half gallon of ice cream too. Funny thing is, once I've done that I really don't like myself much, and I'm PO'd that I've set myself back, so it motivates me to do better for a while. That in itself is a victory, because I spent so many years thinking a momentary setback was a fail and taking months or years to gather the energy to try again.

    By the way, thanks for trusting us enough to be real. That took courage.

  17. Sorry, you are still an inspiration and I will keep coming back here for more.

    You can't look at 1 one week or 1 day or one month. Not too long from now, if you chart your overall progress in the last two years, you will see that this episode is just one brief spike in a trend that continues to be amazing.

    So - chin up (or, as my husband says on bad days - CHINS up!). You'll be back in the saddle soon enough.

    Hugs to you.

  18. I have days (and weeks) like this. That damn scale can really set the mood can't it? I was down to 151.8 lbs. Sunday morning and felt really good. My goal was 150 or below, since that's what I put on my Today Show Questionnaire. Hubby said, "They're not going to weigh you." I told him it was a matter of pride with me. I WILL get to 150 or below before I'm on that show! So at 151.8 (after a high of 158 a week or so ago), I felt really good. I did well yesterday, ate very little (I'm really cutting down until my appearance to try to make that goal!), and then this morning the scale was back up to 153.8. DAMN DAMN DAMN SCALE! I hate that thing. When it's down, I'm more motivated all day. When it goes up, I think things like, "Well the scale isn't going to go down anyway, might as well splurge." But I won't. NOT THIS TIME. I am very motivated right now. I only hope this motivation HOLDS after the TV show is over. Because with T-giving and Christmas coming, I could be in real trouble. And don't tell me I shouldn't weigh every day. I've been weighing every single day since I bought this scale almost three years ago and I'm not going to stop now.

    I think the important thing for you is that you didn't forego the exercise or even cut back. And today--you're right back on track, eating-wise, right? IF we fall off the wagon here and there, we have to get back on ASAP. We know this is a slippery slope and it's hard to keep our feet planted firmly on top of that slope. Just make sure not to fall all the way down, not after all the work and time you two have put in on this battle. GO GIRL (and the MR.) GO!!!!

  19. I still want to be you when I grow up, so there *sticks out tongue*! We all turn to food even at our highest highs, that's the way we are. You did it, you dealt with it, and I hope you're moving on. I don't need all the cheerleading bs, and I know you don't. Most of the time it pisses me off and I just want to vent, which why I turn to friends, or the website. You ARE a role model, and regardless of what happened, you should still be proud that your workout streak is still alive. *HUGS*

  20. funny. i was in the same mode last night. not sure why though. it only got worse when i was doing some baking for womens ministry tonight.
    for starters, i had to use store bought eggs because i gave away all of my farm eggs. we are so used to the fresh eggs we get from our chickens! anyway, i popped a batch of brownies in the oven. put them on the minimum time required so that i could carefully watch them. at 42 minutes, the suckers were burnt!

    oh jeepers, what is wrong with my oven! duh, i put them in at 425 instead of 325. things just went down hill from there. and since i was baking, i tested everything. your recipe for 7 layer bars, burnt brownies, carmel apples, oatmeal raisin cookies, and gingerbread cookies.

    thankfully as it cooled, i had the good sense to pack it up for tonights meeting.

    bad moods do drive me to eating sweet carbs! grrrrrrrr.

  21. I emailed you earlier today so I won't repeat myself, but we all definitely go through those rough patches where it seems like the only thing that can make us feel better is eating. And then we eat and we feel even worse. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm not going to be cheerleader-y, but you will get through it and you'll get back on track!

  22. Oh Anele! This just means that you're human that's all!

    Kinda funny, the song "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry started playing on my playlist while I read about you being up all night cleaning!

    Remember that our body goes through cycles, you know when you eat too much salt and you gain a few pounds? Usually you don't have to worry too much. Well this is the same, just an emotional cycle and you just have to ride it out!

  23. I don't know why your so hard on yourself. Yeah, we love you and learn from your example, but we also know your a human, complete with emotions. We all stumble, your just brave enough to put it all out here for the rest of us.

    Keep being you so we can keep being us.


  24. Thank you so much to everyone for your amazing comments and emails! I am so glad to call you all friends!

  25. I read you because you're human, like me.

    If you had a perfect day every day, I wouldn't feel as encouraged or motivated. I'd think you were one of those bubbles on infomercials who never has a hair out of place or a single bad day. I'd feel like I couldn't do this because I'm not perfect.

    Reading your blog showed me I'll have good days and bad days, but I'll still lose weight, and I have. When I started reading your blog, I weighed 357 pounds. Now I weigh 315 pounds. You've taught me that I might not always lose every week, but that's okay, and I can just get back on the horse. If it weren't for your blog, I would have given up the first time I failed to lose weight one week, and I'd probably still be over 340.

  26. My dear Mrs. You most definitely do not suck. You may have had a sucky day, but YOU do NOT suck.

    That said, I am sorry that you had such a sucky day. I hope you are feeling much better now. I KNOW that one bad day is not going to undo all your hard work and I also KNOW that it is not going to derail you. You and the Mr. will get right back on track. I mean, look at you doing a full workout after having such a craptacular day!

    So my friend, that is why you motivate and inspire not because of some unrealistic expectation of perfection.

    I was finally getting my own act together at the end of October. Halloween and some other early November events have hampered my progress and I've been eating my stress. Your post has reminded me that I can do better. Thank you.


  27. I wish I could give you the cheerleady crap, but I've been in such a mental funk myself lately I'm definitely not one to start giving the ol' rah-rah! LOL

    So just know that pobody's nerfect...Hang in there!!!

  28. Oh, am I familiar with the trains.... I think there are few things sadder in life than to look into the eyes of a person who has no hope. I feel like I have been that person too many times to count. I often wonder, "why bother?" when this addiction is just too hard to overcome. The being obsessed with numbers, calories in, calories out, fitness minutes, fiber, protein, dairy...sometimes it just feels like the flipside of a binge because it's still focusing on food nonstop. I've joked that I know God has lessons to teach us, but Lord, don't teach me nothin' today! I'm in the mire right now where I honestly don't believe I'll be any different weight-wise a year from now...because I weigh more now than I did a year ago. Not by much, but it's there nonetheless. I've had the week from hell at work, to the point of breaking down and crying like a baby in the bathroom (pathetic), and all I could think about was stuffing ANYTHING in my mouth to stop the pain. I wasn't craving any particular thing and all I had with me was frozen and canned vegetables...but guess what, I ate copious amounts. Doesn't matter if it was "healthy food" or not...a binge is a binge, and had I had access to any othe foods, I would have wolfed those down too. And all I could think was, "damn, not much has changed in that department, has it?" I don't believe that practice makes perfect, but I do believe that practice makes progress, and THAT is the hope I hold on to when I can. Progress, not perfection. And for me, that includes everything from food to exercise to my temper to self-pity, etc. I feel like I have this head full of knowledge, but the connection from my brain to my heart has a disconnect...and it's my mouth. Haven't found an answer to combat those old demons entirely. And to be completely honest, deep down I'm afraid I never will. I still try and I still press on, but the old fears rear their ugly heads, and when I'm feeling vulnerable (like this whole damn year!) that's when they are at their most powerful and I'm at my weakest. I hate that.


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