Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Adjusting to being "normal" fat
The pic above is a bit of a misrepresentation. Add another 47 lbs to the "before" picture. I was just coming out of the few 5x shirts I'd crept into which would've translated to a 34 I think. The pants were 4x but my largest pant purchase were elastic 38 jeans. Honestly those were always too big for me but the gut was cut weird so in order for me to sit without discomfort I had to go up. I think I only had one more size up to go before I was at the biggest size a catalog would offer and I knew that was a bad, bad thing. I think that played a little part in me finally getting my act together. You know, a gal's gotta have clothes, even if horribly unfashionable.
Fast forward to 171 lbs lost and I'm able to squeeze into a 22/24 top and mostly 26 jeans though the ones in the pic are "broken in" 24's and I can wear 22/24 knit pants/capri's. We don't own full length mirrors so it's still a surprise to walk by a full length mirror and catch a glimpse of myself. I still expect that 494 lb girl to be staring back at me. The size I am now is the size I was for most of my life before I spiraled out of control. I was comfortable and able to do most things. Of course I'm now re-appreciating being able to do those things. Little things mean the most like not being self conscious when I'm in public or being able to shop in a plus sized store instead of knowing a catalog is my only option and hoping things fit. I know despite being in this comfortable place, I can't get complacent and I have no intention of doing that. But it's really weird getting used to this "normal" fat. I'm looking more like any other fat person walking the street; not the side show freak kind of fat but just fat. The kind of gal who look like she needs to lose a good bit. Along with this new normal comes getting treated like I matter. Shopping in furniture stores...the sales people treat us like we could actually afford to buy something in their store. What weight has to do with being able to afford something is beyond me but apparently *really* fat people are poor in sales people's eyes. There were times I relished in being able to slide in under the radar and not be taken seriously and other times I was highly resentful and on the way out the door I would sarcastically yell back "thanks for ignoring us! $5000 sale walking out the door!"
So this is a weird place for a gal like me to be. The eyes and the mind don't sync up so you don't see what you actually look like. When my hubby took that current pic up there, I've spent a lot of time staring at it asking who that is. That is not who I see when I look in the mirror and I know that it will take a lot of time to adjust to that. I just think of what I'll look like in another 50 lbs and how many more opportunities will continue to open up and I get excited and anxious to get there. I get very frustrated with this body still. It's nowhere near where I want to be and is certainly nothing I'm settling for. But it is nice to be back in familiar territory, even if I'm not gonna be here long.====================
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Labels: Deep Thoughts