Not in a good place

Last night was the first time in a long time I was ready to say screw it and stress eat by choice.  I suggested all kinds of things like deep dish pizza, burgers, cupcakes and I don't even remember what else because it was just spewing out of my face at a rapid fire pace.  Those things are not on the menu during the week especially when I just had stuff like that 2 days prior on high cal day but for the first time in a long time I felt "entitled" because my hormones are on a hellish swing right now (PLEASE let these new BC pills work because I hate feeling like this!).  I could tell the hubby's resolve was getting weak and I knew it would be my fault.  We compromised on a small chocolate cone from DQ for 220 calories which was well within our calorie limits for the day.  Is this a victory?  Maybe.  Some would say that's what fit, healthy people do.

My problem is, why after years on this journey was the overwhelming need to blow it there last night?  (Honestly isn't less strong today).  Here are a few reasons that immediately come to mind.  Hormones.  It's a week before Aunt Flo's arrival and this is one of the really bad cycles I discussed with my gynie last week.  I think really horrible things I want to say to people who irritate me and come seconds from saying it.  I sometimes go as far as having a response written that when re-read is like "you can kiss that relationship goodbye if you send it!"  She said with my weight loss, my estrogen levels have changed immensely and it's finally catching up to me and she has faith this new pill will be much more compatible with my current levels.  I praying for it because I hate the way this feels.  I am stressed to the max right now and while you think you have that emotional eating gene conquered, I've got news, it can rear its ugly head when you least expect it.  It doesn't matter how well you do, how many days, weeks or years of making the right decisions you have under your belt.  If you were ever an emotional eater, that will ALWAYS be a part of you and those who think it won't be are kidding themselves.  The difference is your reaction to that trigger.  Last night we had a 220 calorie item over what could've EASILY been a 1500-2000 calorie binge for dinner alone.  Part of that stress is people looking to me to lean on yet I have no one except my hubby to lean on.  I am grateful but feel bad that he gets the brunt of what I need to babble about because I don't want to continue to bring him down with my negativity.  It seems everyone in my life from family to supposed friends all want my advice, help and push responsibility for things they haven't taken responsibility for onto me but it seems like those "rocks" in people's lives rarely get the same in return.  Let me tell you, it sucks. 

Finally, I am part of a weight loss website where I'm feeling really done with the attitude of people.  This year the whole vibe of that place has changed and I seriously feel like it has effected my attitude.  I'm tired of catering to downers, to people who have lost lots of amounts of weight but are choosing to go back to their old habits because it's easier (I empathize to an extent but it's irritating when if they spent as much time doing the right thing over griping and making excuses, they'd be losing weight or getting healthier) and I'm tired of being the "inspiration" when I feel far from it.  I've lost 2 lbs in 4 weeks despite busting my ass.  The days of taking 2 lb losses each week for granted are long gone.  I have to struggle for each pound and I am EXHAUSTED from tweaking and re-tweaking.  I feel like a damn calculator because all I think about are numbers.  How many numbers I have to eat that day, how many numbers are in the sodium and fiber I need to hit each day.  Numbers in the amount of ounces of water I need to consume.  How many numbers I burn in my workouts.  What number I need to hit to be in my target heart rate.  What number shows up on the scale after hitting all of those numbers perfectly and seeing zeros or ones.  This is not a temporary plateau, this has been going on for over a year and I'm exhausted trying to keep up.  We've had bod pod and metacheck tests done so we have numbers backing up our numbers.  I want to just go a week not tracking but then if I gain, how can I go back and see where I went wrong?  It's kind of a crappy way to live but I know it's my life now if I want to be accountable to myself. 

Right now I know I just need to hold on for dear life, keep a low profile and not speak to people for the most part until I am on the other pills and/or some of the stresses of my life have passed which will hopefully be a week or so.  I feel like a failure to those who look to me to help them along on their journeys but I'm sorry, I have to focus on me right now and stop being the martyr.  I am hanging on by a thread but still hanging on.  I hope everyone is doing well and thanks to the 4 or 5 of ya's who stop by here!  LOL


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