Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Not in a good place

Last night was the first time in a long time I was ready to say screw it and stress eat by choice.  I suggested all kinds of things like deep dish pizza, burgers, cupcakes and I don't even remember what else because it was just spewing out of my face at a rapid fire pace.  Those things are not on the menu during the week especially when I just had stuff like that 2 days prior on high cal day but for the first time in a long time I felt "entitled" because my hormones are on a hellish swing right now (PLEASE let these new BC pills work because I hate feeling like this!).  I could tell the hubby's resolve was getting weak and I knew it would be my fault.  We compromised on a small chocolate cone from DQ for 220 calories which was well within our calorie limits for the day.  Is this a victory?  Maybe.  Some would say that's what fit, healthy people do.

My problem is, why after years on this journey was the overwhelming need to blow it there last night?  (Honestly isn't less strong today).  Here are a few reasons that immediately come to mind.  Hormones.  It's a week before Aunt Flo's arrival and this is one of the really bad cycles I discussed with my gynie last week.  I think really horrible things I want to say to people who irritate me and come seconds from saying it.  I sometimes go as far as having a response written that when re-read is like "you can kiss that relationship goodbye if you send it!"  She said with my weight loss, my estrogen levels have changed immensely and it's finally catching up to me and she has faith this new pill will be much more compatible with my current levels.  I praying for it because I hate the way this feels.  I am stressed to the max right now and while you think you have that emotional eating gene conquered, I've got news, it can rear its ugly head when you least expect it.  It doesn't matter how well you do, how many days, weeks or years of making the right decisions you have under your belt.  If you were ever an emotional eater, that will ALWAYS be a part of you and those who think it won't be are kidding themselves.  The difference is your reaction to that trigger.  Last night we had a 220 calorie item over what could've EASILY been a 1500-2000 calorie binge for dinner alone.  Part of that stress is people looking to me to lean on yet I have no one except my hubby to lean on.  I am grateful but feel bad that he gets the brunt of what I need to babble about because I don't want to continue to bring him down with my negativity.  It seems everyone in my life from family to supposed friends all want my advice, help and push responsibility for things they haven't taken responsibility for onto me but it seems like those "rocks" in people's lives rarely get the same in return.  Let me tell you, it sucks. 

Finally, I am part of a weight loss website where I'm feeling really done with the attitude of people.  This year the whole vibe of that place has changed and I seriously feel like it has effected my attitude.  I'm tired of catering to downers, to people who have lost lots of amounts of weight but are choosing to go back to their old habits because it's easier (I empathize to an extent but it's irritating when if they spent as much time doing the right thing over griping and making excuses, they'd be losing weight or getting healthier) and I'm tired of being the "inspiration" when I feel far from it.  I've lost 2 lbs in 4 weeks despite busting my ass.  The days of taking 2 lb losses each week for granted are long gone.  I have to struggle for each pound and I am EXHAUSTED from tweaking and re-tweaking.  I feel like a damn calculator because all I think about are numbers.  How many numbers I have to eat that day, how many numbers are in the sodium and fiber I need to hit each day.  Numbers in the amount of ounces of water I need to consume.  How many numbers I burn in my workouts.  What number I need to hit to be in my target heart rate.  What number shows up on the scale after hitting all of those numbers perfectly and seeing zeros or ones.  This is not a temporary plateau, this has been going on for over a year and I'm exhausted trying to keep up.  We've had bod pod and metacheck tests done so we have numbers backing up our numbers.  I want to just go a week not tracking but then if I gain, how can I go back and see where I went wrong?  It's kind of a crappy way to live but I know it's my life now if I want to be accountable to myself. 

Right now I know I just need to hold on for dear life, keep a low profile and not speak to people for the most part until I am on the other pills and/or some of the stresses of my life have passed which will hopefully be a week or so.  I feel like a failure to those who look to me to help them along on their journeys but I'm sorry, I have to focus on me right now and stop being the martyr.  I am hanging on by a thread but still hanging on.  I hope everyone is doing well and thanks to the 4 or 5 of ya's who stop by here!  LOL

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  1. I totally understand where you are coming from with the numbers thing. I find myself highly irritated that the weight loss has slowed so dramatically compared to last summer. My body is shifting in odd places as I strength train and it all seems to be converging in my already-too-big belly! I just don't get that. I've upped my dvd workouts, so my calorie burn is much higher than my usual walk/jogs, but I'm seeing zip, zero, nada on the scale. It almost seems counter-intuitive doesn't it? The whole purpose of healthy living is to not obsess on food anymore...but we need to be hyper-vigilant of the numbers or else things can go haywire! Ughness. You're exactly right about emotional eating...it's very much like any other addiction. You can be "sober" from it, but if you let down your guard, even after having been "healthy" for a long time, the old pull is still there. I'm going to send you my home email for if you ever feel you need to let loose on a cursing rant. I'm here for you my friend.

  2. I feel the same way. I've been struggling for the last 3 months up and down. I've only technically lost 1.5lbs since December which in the past would have made me completely give up. Not the case. I've convinced myself it's not always all about the numbers. I've had those days where I threw in the towel and ate like that and it was so much worse. I was following you on SP and then your page was set to private, I'm glad you're over here! I know you don't like smoke being blown up your ass, but you've done amazing things for yourself, and I know this frustration isn't going to change that.

  3. I'm sorry. I have been thinking of you and have seen you pulling away from the other site. It *has* been tough over there, I don't get it. Apathy city. Anyways...
    I really hope your new BC, with the right levels for your body right now, will start to make a difference. If it's a thread you have to hang onto currently, thank the thread because it's a part of the tapestry you are weaving. The beautiful tapestry that is your unfolding life, your desires, your fun-filled activities, your success so far, your successes yet to come. There are more successes coming. Hang in there!
    Hang onto what your wonderful doctor told you and how impressed and proud she is, hang onto whatever you can for now. I hope this isn't too smoke-filled for you, I do mean the words!

  4. Aw toots. I saw your profile went private over there. As someone who toggles my online life from open to utter lock down, I get it.

    I wish I had advice for the people who expect rock-like strength in us.

    You aren't a failure to me. Failure (in behaviour) is quitting, deciding it doesn't matter and choosing 2000 calories of faux comfort instead of 220.

    I wish you the best on the medical and medication tweaks.

  5. I saw that your account had been set to private!! It has gotten really strange over there and I too have taken a step back from it. Although I'm sorry you are struggling with things, I'm glad you are still hanging on!! You are an amazing person!!! I know your journey will be a success!!!!

  6. Thanks so much everyone for the supportive comments. I felt like I had to kind of shut down over there for a little bit until I got my head straight. It will go public again I'm sure but I didn't want people finding me and looking to me for support or encouragement when I can barely do that for myself. I'm just not in "cheerleader" mode right now. I don't understand what is going on over there but I pray it gets better because if the attitude is effecting me, it has to be effecting others. That's not what that site is for and when I check in in the morning instead of being excited I find myself thinking "oh Lord, what's it going to be today?" I don't like that feeling. Maybe that's why I started this because it's my space. I've had people actually tell me it is rude to expect them to come here to follow me and I should double post. Uh, excuse me?! I don't even dignify them with an answer. I am grateful for those of you who come here and support me whether from SP or just happened to stumble upon me some other way. (Although I must apologize, the last few posts have been real downers!)

    Thanks again to everyone, I appreciate it more than you know!

  7. Even though you aren't feeling the strongest right now, you are still a very strong woman in my opinion. I can understand you feel "pressured", as many people see you as a role model. But that doesn't mean you can't have your weak days, it doesn't mean you have to be perfect. I've been reading every single one of your blogs, I've cheered for you on your victories, and I cried with you on those tough days where you just want to screw it all and give up. What people really love about you, is your honesty. No matter if it is positive or negative, you will always say the truth, and I love it. It's the main reason why I read your blogs. Losing weight is hard, especially when you've been on the journey for a very long time. This is a journey that never ends. I find myself struggling every day. I've lost 77lbs so far, and it gets tougher and tougher. I too, have thought about quitting many times and go back to the easy days of just laying on the couch watching TV and snacking. But I won't. I have worked hard for this, I am STILL working hard for this. Right now, I may not see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I know that I will. And just by knowing that, I will keep on going and going. And I know that you will do the same thing : )
    I know SP hasn't been the same, I am feeling it too. A lot of my friends have quit, I am feeling quite alone there many times. It was a huge part of my support system, since I am doing this on my own. Wished my hubby would join me, you're so lucky you have the Mr. I'm sure he's a great support for you right now!
    And congrats on your non scale victory of having the chocolate cone instead of greasy big pizzas!

    I just read your comment above and wanted to tell you not to worry about the "downers". You can't pretend to be happy when you really aren't. This is your blog, you can write about whatever you want. People telling you that it is rude to have this blog are stupid. I truly believe this blog will help you a lot cause you can write whatever you want and no one is going to judge you for it. People that follow your blog here know your honesty and don't expect any mushy fluffy weight loss talk. You only write about the real deal and so many people (myself, for one!) are learning from you. So I am very happy you made this blog : ) I can really see you become a famous motivator and/or writer one day. You just have this fabulous talent of telling things just the way they are in a humerous and honest way.

  8. So, I just freaked out 'cause I thought you quit SP. I always, always hunt for your blogs. Not because I expect you to always have the perfect thing to say and be my cheerleader, but because, even if you're in a crappy mood, you make me laugh. I think I actually like the non 'cheerleader' posts more. It's sort of like proof that everyone has difficulties, even when they do everything 'right'.
    I guess I haven't been doing to much on that site lately since I haven't noticed much going on. I suppose that's what happens when you spin the wheel and track and not much else. I'm glad I can find you here and I will happily continue to find you here, even if your page never becomes public again.

  9. I have read all your posts over here and believe me it was no "pain" to come over here and read. You are my friend and I love what you have to say and share. I haven't been on SP consistently either. I have gotten back into the swing of things and do my tracking but I also find things a little "different". I also have a few friends who are AWOL. Let's hope this is a little spring fever! You should be very happy with yourself that you didn't throw in the towel! Good choices! It's still helping even when you can't see it!!!

    Hugs girlfriend,

    DOE on Spark

  10. I am overwhelmed by your support and so grateful! I'm also glad I'm not the only one who thinks the site is somehow different right now. I think staying over here for the rest of the week is my plan right now and being thankful for people who are just so damned awesome giving me the support I need to get my head on straight right now. Love you guys!

  11. I just got back from being out sick for a couple of days and one of the first things I did was go check your SP page. Oops! Fortunately, I've already been coming here so it was the next place I checked and I'm glad to see that you're still posting someplace. You really need a place to vent and this is YOUR place. The problem with being a strong person is that people will lean on you and sometimes finding someone you can lean on is hard. I know you have your Mr and he's wonderful but sometimes it's handy to have someone/somewhere outside of that relationship where you can get support when you're really frustrated. I know I'm a recent follower but I know you've been very supportive to me and now it's time for me to return the 'favor'. You need to vent or rant or rage? I'll listen. I don't figure you need advice but if you need someone to lean on, I'm here. A shoulder to cry on? Mine's drip dry.

    I've got a couple of years on you and the Mr so the BC problem isn't one I'll encounter but I do know what really wacky hormones will do to you (Menopause was SUCH fun! Not!). So I'm really hoping that the change in BC's will help you with the weight loss as well as the mood swings!

    I don't know how much good a virtual hug is but I'm sending you a bunch anyway.


  12. I totally feel you on the BC. I had been facing migraines and weight gain like clockwork for an entire year. One week before, and One week after to the day. IT SUCKED.

    And being an emotional eater, it just made me want to do exactly that. Once I switched, after a month I was feeling a lot better. I hope whatever they switched you to helps and brings you back on the up.

    Having PCOS and Hypothyroid, I too can do 90000 things and try 90000 things and nothing works. I know how much it sucks to feel like you worked your ass off (literally) and have nothing to show for it. Its the worst freaking feeling in the world, and a little monster that just taunts you into becoming unmotivated.

    I totally get it too and I dont blame you for wanting to lay low sometimes. You've gotta do whats best for you, and you alone.

    Keep truckin gal. Even if it does suck.

  13. Well you already know this but I totally agree. That negativity is draining and it does affect your attitude. I don’t know what the deal is around there to be honest.

    I think you do have a lot of pressure on you and I hope you know from someone that looks up to you and is motivated by you, that we are here if you need someone to talk to or complain at or can help you and be your rock. It’s only fair for all that you do for us. The difference with you is you are trying. You aren’t griping about not being able to lose weight because you binged and didn’t exercise. You are doing the things you need to and its frustrating when the end results don’t show how hard you worked. That doesn’t make your journey any less of a success or make you a failure or less motivating but it does make you human and you are allowed and should feel disappointed. I think those are all normal feelings and you have to express that and feel that.

    Oh and on the bc front, I had terrible luck with bc and the generics and all that. I hope the one she has you on now helps. It got so bad that I was having suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking it. Now I’m on that IUD and while it was pretty painful going in and for a few weeks after I love it now because it has done wonders for my hormones before my time of the month. Actually there is no time of the month anymore (another score :)) but it really did wonders for my mood.

    Hand in there sweet thing. You will get it figured out soon enough. I hope for it very soon for you. Oh and good job on the splurge. You are honest with yourself and you don’t try to kid yourself into buying into some excuse, that is why I know you will do well.

  14. I give you a lot of credit for sticking with it. Most emotional eaters would have crashed and burned right now.

    I agree that the tone has changed at SP, at least of the people I read. I find myself wondering if that is part of what is bringing me down. I hate it when people blow smoke...I know I can count on you NOT to do that. Your candor and straight talk is a breath of fresh air as far as I am concerned.


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