Friday, March 18, 2011
Attitude and milestone
That sounds good on paper but when it is engrained in you since you were a kid that life is going to poo on you, it is a part of your personality. I suppose if a shrink were to label it, they'd say I have "abandonment issues." A dad that didn't find out until a kid came along that he didn't want to be a parent and left when I was 8. Then various friends who dropped out of my life with no explanation leaving me devastated and feeling unworthy because if they were truly my friends they would've given me a heads up that they were leaving. In talking to some of them casually about their decision to leave without warning years later, they said they were just in a bad place and thought of no one but themselves. Well, I get that but hello, you don't get how that devastates people in your life who care about you! I was conditioned from age 8 to present day that people you care about leave. Unfortunately the Mr has suffered from this attitude at times because I was just waiting for him to leave too. He seems to be sticking around. ;-) I would've thought that by now I could conquer this feeling but as people seem to continue to drop out of our lives with no explanation (and it seems to be easier for people to do these days), I find myself still deeply effected. I don't take connections I make with people lightly so it stings when people cut and run. It's caused me to be very guarded and leery of trusting people initially. I mean why bother if they're just going to drop out of my life?
I'm sure we've all read that email forward about friends being around for a reason, season or lifetime. My problem is I go into every friendship hoping for the lifetimer and always seem to get reason or season, leaving me with very few "true" friends. It's a crappy way to live and feels like a constant set up for disappointment which means putting myself out there isnt' really high on my priority list given my history. Once you're a friend, I am loyal, thoughtful and there for you but seem to never get the same effort in return from anyone in my life. Seems like I should be cueing the Debbie Downer theme song. I bummed myself out! LOL
But along with changing my weight, I am trying to change my attitude. I know I will never be a Pollyanna, I don't want to be. But I would like to not immediately fly off the handle or assume the worst. There are people who things just always work out for and always seem to expect good things to come their way. There are people who cheat, steal and work the system, always land on their feet and never seem to have to work for everything. It's not fair but that's life. If we ever were unethical enough to try shortcuts or to work the system, we'd get caught every time. I suppose it keeps us honest and I'd rather be honest and have to work for good things than have them fall into my lap and be unappreciated. (But holy hell universe, could you throw us a few more bones now and then!?) I don't know if I can ever truly change my attitude. I have changed when given the proper motivation and was actually much worse at one time which makes me cringe. But I don't know if it's possible for a leopard to change its spots. I don't know if behaviors that are so deeply engrained in your personality are able to be changed just because you hope they will. It can be exhausting being irritated by small things (this is why when there are billing mistakes and things like that they get delegated to the Mr because I would go off because I feel like I was being wronged whereas he's more laid back). I also don't want to lose my natural suspicion of people because it's proven to serve me well. I don't want to be naive. It will take a lot of work to improve my attitude and I know this. I hope that I can make tweaks to my personality for the better so that I can ultimately be a happier person but without sacrificing the parts of my personality that have made me who I am. If you've read this far you have GOT to be bored!
So I'll leave you with this positive bit...today is 2 years of never having missed a scheduled workout! We kind of rock. Hee hee.
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Labels: Deep Thoughts