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We have a justification problem especially on Saturday. If I'm still full enough from lunch and could probably go without dinner "but it's Saturday. I won't get to eat anything like that again until next weekend." Order dinner, even if it's smaller, end up miserable and have to sleep half sitting up. Stuff like that.
I figured out a potential source for last week's insomnia was grief suppression. The 6 month anniversary was approaching and I know no one wants to hear it anymore, the numbers here reflect that, but I told myself that the Mr deserved a 'normal' life and I should get one too. (Knowing that is not possible to go back to normal. Those versions of us are dead.) Don't get me wrong, I still have issues every single day but cry in private unless I'm smacked with something out of the blue and I was trying to stuff it all down and pretend. I see how well that worked. I shared that with the Mr as we were talking about hard stuff in general and there were lots of tears as the trauma surrounding many things around her passing and leading up to it that came up. Afterward, as we were headed upstairs, I looked the Mr in the eye and said "I want a serving of Hershey kisses." (There are some out that are only once a year so yes, they're in the basement.)
When he came up, there were almost twice as many as I thought were a serving and I said "THAT'S a serving??" We checked and it wasn't so I gave him the three extra to put on the half wall to go back down. He went to the bathroom and I stared at the actual serving, knowing I was justifying because technically they could be worked in but I wasn't even thinking of those until after our talk about Mom. When he came in, I handed him three more so I had one and said he could eat what he wanted. He picked up his three and put them in the hall too.
Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but it was huge for us. Those kisses with extra chocolate inside would've been right up Mom's alley but we still enjoyed one for her and that was going to have to be enough even though I wanted (and gladly would've eaten) the seven originally put out for me. I can't guarantee that will happen every time but I've proven it can happen and right now that's enough.
Feel free to share your non scale victories as well.
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I was a little on the hungry side of about 10ish in the morning and found myself in front of a vending machine at work the other day. Aside from thinking "when did a vending machine candy bar start costing $2.00" I also thought that I was doing something stupid even just looking at it. I had the money in my wallet but I immediately walked away knowing that I was just going to go back to my desk and have some water instead - that was all it took to avoid a bad choice.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on that victory! That is huge, especially in the midst of grief. That is VERY hard to do, but you took a pause to make a conscious decision, and chose to say no. That had to feel really good. That is awesome!!!
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