Monday, April 9, 2018

Happy Monday


Want to see the saddest thing ever?

That is what my Facebook friends list has looked like for six years.  Despite them removing her Facebook page when she was unable to understand how to use it, you can still stay friends with the person.  You can't go to a page that isn't there obviously but it still shows them in your friend count and you can see them even if other people can't.  It also stabs my soul to see the "ghost" profile picture of her because that is what it's felt like going through this disease with her.  This ghost of a person left in the shell of the body that has always loved you.   I will never, ever delete her.  Ever.

Last week was spent pretty much in a fog.  We continued our workouts for five days.  I took Sunday off because after standing for so long Saturday left both of our legs completely fried.  I felt like I was starting to turn a corner with the foot thing and then the showing happened with those awful flats and now I'm back to hobbling.  A lot of work to do in a short period of time.  I fought and am still fighting the urge to completely and utterly stuff my pie hole full of everything I can find to numb myself.  Some days I look at tasks I did with ease on any day and I don't know how to do them.  It's taken me 20 minutes just to write this far.  It amazes me how quickly people expect you to just jump back into your old self.  Kinda like "oh, she's in the ground now?  Well here's what I'M going through/what I need you to help me with."  Uhh...I can barely remember how to brush my teeth some days but no, let me listen to your crap too.  Sigh.  There needs to be a minimum two week bereavement period in which people are not allowed to contact you for any reason especially if you're a sensitive lot like me and if they do, you are allowed to throat punch without repercussions.

It was grocery weekend and I bought Post Raisin Bran and a loaf of Home Pride wheat bread because that's what Grandma always enjoyed.  I remember when I thought Home Pride was gross because the flecks of wheat always weirded me out.  For lunch today, I'm going to make an American cheese and light Miracle Whip sandwich like I used to have at her house.  It's not going to be a regular thing but if I drink enough water I should be able to flush out the sodium.  We've got 4 slices left from Easter so that'll take care of my half.  I guess I just need those occasional comforting things that remind me of her right now and since sometimes dumping a bowl of cereal or making a basic sandwich are all I'm capable of, I'll take it.

We went to the park last night to walk and it was nice to just be outside.  I didn't like we still had one more grocery store we had to hit for major stuff and two others for odds and ends.  Why can't ONE grocery have everything we need and for a low price?  We go to five grocery stores.  FIVE.  They're all in close proximity but still, irritating especially when the last thing you want is to be around people.  I was able to push myself to do some work yesterday that needed to be done.  I have no choice but to do some work today and I've got a lot of it.  I'll need to make sure I get back to sitting at the table because this sitting on the couch crap just makes my legs feel worse and my butt kind of numb.  You didn't need to know that but it was more for myself.  Sorry 'bout dat.

Back to my Six Feet Under marathon.  (Affiliate link)  It is so nuts how with every viewing of that show every few years, we learn something new or have a different perspective on life.  Viewing it going through a funeral and the aftermath of that is a new spin but thankfully nothing too painful.  That'll be for the finale.

Thanks again for the wonderful messages and emails of support.  I always knew I had the best people in the world reading my drivel!  ;-)

How was your weekend?

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  1. I had no idea Facebook did that and it is sad. I'm glad we got the walk in yesterday as it was really nice to get out and get fresh air. Grocery weekend sucks most of the time but we got it all done in spite of not being motivated to do so and we're set for another couple of weeks of eating right. Have a great week everyone!

  2. A walk outside in the park sounds really nice. I had planned to do some spring clean-up in the yard over the weekend, but time just got away from me and now it'll have to be next weekend instead. You just do what you need to do to get through each day, other people will just have to wait. When my MIL passed her kids chose to leave her page up so they can go visit and send messages if they want.

    I hope this week finds you in the beginnings of finding a new normal.

  3. My weekend was pretty low key. I didn't feel well most of Saturday, but I got some shopping in, as I needed new running sneakers on sale. The old ones were starting to impact my hips and glutes. Then we had friends over for dinner Sunday. I made fresh bread from scratch for that.

    I just went through a pretty heavy depression that forced me into seeking help. One thing that my therapist encouraged me to do when I really didn't feel like doing anything, including eating or leaving my house, was to create a task list for the day. Lots of small tasks. I only had to accomplish one thing on the list before I could go back to hibernating for a while like I wanted. Once I accomplished one thing it was easier to do two, but I only had to do one. At the end of the day I had to review what I completed on my task list and journal how I felt about it. I found that having that list and marking stuff helped me see that I did accomplish some things during the day and helped me feel a little bit better about myself. He also reinforced that it was okay that I didn't complete everything on the list. I could just try to do more the next day if I was capable.

  4. I'm so glad you got out for a walk and could spend some time in nature. All those sounds can be very comforting when our brains can't take in any more information. We were going to do the crabgrass/fertilizer treatment on the lawn yesterday but we had snow and a little more today, so that will wait until this coming weekend. We're due to be close to 60 by Wednesday I believe, so that will feel like spring. The dogs got a good walk around the neighborhood and I look forward to going back to our park for our jaunts again. =o)


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