The night before, the Mr and I couldn't sleep. Despite going to bed at midnight, we were both still tossing and turning at 2am. I faded in and out of small bouts of sleep until 4am when I came downstairs and camped out on the couch for most of the morning. I tried to be a good girl and get my liquids in. I don't know what it is but when I'm sick, the last thing I want to do is drink water. I know it's good for me but it just tastes worse to me than normal.
The other thing is my, no, our want to exercise, is at an all time low. We do it but begrudgingly. The only time we didn't was the 26th-28th because we both felt like utter crap and needed the rest. But getting back to it was hard and sometimes my sweat felt like it was stinging me. Probably full of nasty toxins or something. With me not being able to take full, deep breaths makes getting to my target heart rate an interesting prospect. I'll either feel like it's stirring stuff up and then I try to blow the honker and it laughs or it just makes it hard to breathe and I feel like I don't want to do anything.
I ate like crap over the holidays and couldn't even taste it. I gave in to every temptation there was. How stupid is that? Weight gain over something I couldn't even enjoy. Smooth move, ex-lax. I swear I felt like taking down the blog five different times because it felt like a joke. How could I possibly inspire others when I couldn't even keep myself in line? I just want to get better because I feel like it'll just be that much easier to truly get back on track if my heart is in it instead of feeling sorry for myself. Between the cold and my legs being all tight and crap making that condition I'm going to the chiro for worse, the violin has been going non-stop. I burst into tears last night and told the Mr I was sorry I was so broken. He cautiously hugged me so as not to get my cooties all over him and then we did our workout and IT band stretching. I didn't realize how completely inflexible I'd become so I told the Mr I will need to do some form of stretching after every workout or I will never heal. I think he's going to do it too but I know it takes a commitment. It would just be easier for me if he was doing it with me. His IT bands are pretty tight and his flexibility is well, bad so he could benefit.
So, there you have it. A sick, tired pity laden woman struggling to find the motivation to get excited about exercise again and trying not to justify stuffing her pie hole out of emotional eating. I think most of the crap is out of the house but still, I don't like the obsessive feeling of just thinking of food all the time especially since I can't enjoy it. WTF!?
Sorry to the newer people who found me in the past month, the path to staying on the straight and narrow is full of potholes and sometimes they're filled with self pity or cookies.
I don't even have a question for you to comment to. There's really nothing to say. Just close the window and pretend you didn't read this.
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Mrs, I think I've been following your blog for 2 years. It's now the first blog I check every morning. You ARE inspiring, whether you feel it or not. You are real, you are honest, you tell us the ups and downs, and don't sugarcoat it. You keep on going even with your injury, even with feeling like crap, even without making weight loss progress. THAT is more inspiring than coming here week after week and seeing that you've lost weight.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people make New Year's resolutions and if they're lucky they make it about 6 weeks before going back to their routine. After 6+ years we're still going and while it doesn't always go our way and we may not always be completely perfect and on track, we never quit and we continue to eat right and work out despite all kinds of obstacles - that is what true success is. Sticking with it no matter what! We may not be at goal, but we've already proven to ourselves that we have what it takes to get there!
ReplyDeletecoat it for you, you'll just eat it". I think that sums it up. We (your readers) are here for the long haul, good days and bad days - and even really bad days. We all have them, but not all of us are as open as you are.
ReplyDeleteOk - when I pasted my reply in not all of it made it. oops. The first line should be -
DeleteOnce upon a time I read a blog where the author said something like "if I sugar coat it for you, you'll just eat it"
I so look forward to the "ping" every morning letting me know your blog is up! It's so refreshing to read about normal, everyday people who have ups and downs while trying to be healthy, which in turn hauls me out of my own pity party when I screw up. You inspire me and others everyday with your honesty and humour. Sending love and hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm another one that comes as much for honesty as inspiration. Telling ourselves change is easy just sets up unrealistic expectations. I always appreciate hearing your perspective on the journey. I hope the ick leaves you soon.
ReplyDeleteDon't you EVER dare even think about taking the blog down for a reason such as feeling like a joke or that you aren't inspiring any of us out here in blogland. Because you know what inspires me? Reality, yo!! Knowing that I'm not the only one that gains weight at the dumbest times for the stupidest reasons or that I'm not the only one that just doesn't "feel it" all the time. I'd rather read your ski trip down the slippery slope than someone else's talk about always being perfect - taking the perfect picture, wearing the perfect clothes, hitting the perfect pace and calorie burns. Because for me that just isn't the REALITY.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather see YOU in all your burnt out, sick, and tired glory admitting that you aren't perfect then someone acting like they are.
So there. You can't take it down because I SAID SO. neener-neener. ;-)
You of course know I say all of that in loving jest. It's your blog, you can do what you want with it...I just hope you know that sometimes it's the STRUGGLE that IS the inspiration. It doesn't always have to be pretty - it just has to be REAL. IMHO...
I know it's trite, but it's still valid: This, too, shall pass. It sure doesn't feel like it when you're in the midst of it, though, I know. I have seen obstacle after obstacle slam into you and The Mr. Time and again I've seen you come out the other side of that thing, victorious, stronger, equipped with new tools to continue the battle. As I have told you in the past, one of the things I love ost about you is your authenticity. Sometimes life ain't pretty but we share it with one another just the same. I couldn't agree more with Kristen. Give me reality and truth every day of the week instead of handing me rose colored glasses and blowing smoke up my hiney. Whether it's the mountaintop or the valley, it's life and we deal with it. My money's on you, my friend. Always is.
ReplyDeleteTaking your blog down is NOT the answer. People who have weight issues have the same struggles. THIS validates them in many ways. Their struggles are real and it happens to everyone. Seeing a rock star of weight loss, yes you, having issues, makes it ok to NOT be perfect, to have struggles of our own. YOU are real, your struggles are real, YOU deserve to be validated. It's ok Mrs. YOU are still a rock star and always will be. I know I speak for lots of people when I say you inspire us every day. Hang in there mama, you'll get your stride back!
ReplyDeleteDude. Please. We come for the inspiration. We stay for the...YOU. Let us be your cathartic sounding board on the days when ya just ain't got it, mama!
ReplyDelete