You've undoubtedly heard of beer goggles. People drink enough beer and the poor perception of a person when sober changes to someone bangable when properly liquored up. Well lately have been unable to pry off my fat goggles. I have gotten many compliments from people telling me how great I look, how I'm shrinking and tons of other compliments that feel completely undeserved. I look in the mirror and I see the same fat girl I saw at the beginning of the year. August has sucked (insert inappropriate word here). I sat down yesterday and wrote out all of the thing things that have been stressing me out over the past 26 days when my life seemed to be nothing more than a conductor for some mad stress experiment. There were 23 things on the list. That's almost a crisis a day and many overlapping and over the course of many days. *twitch* From health issues of loved ones to relationships being tested to nerves being ground into a quivering pulp to family drama, I have dealt with it all and my body is NOT happy. If I lose nothing this coming weigh in, I will have lost 1 lb this month. Yes I measure but those aren't changing much if at all either. I actually look like I'm regaining my double chin.
You all see my workouts and I track my food and all nutrients like fiber, sodium, fat, etc to the tee, even on high cal days which I think the Mr thinks I'm a lunatic for doing...no I take that back probably the most odd thing I do is track my poo habits. That's right, I said it. In my tracking diary, there is a big capital P for POOP on the days I do it so that a pattern can be spotted. "Gee I haven't defecated in 3 days, what the hell did I eat??" So not losing any weight when I've been working my body to the bone, tracking like I was paid to do it and hanging on to weight because douchebags won't just leave me alone or do what's right or what have you has really sucked the soul right out of me. I feel like I'm teetering on this thin edge of sanity and well, jail if things don't turn around soon. I mean really, should a $1300 headboard just purchased 5 months ago already be disintegrating? No? Yeah, didn't think so.
So I have a really hard time seeing any progress whatsoever and this recent influx of compliments makes me want to scream "liars!" I feel like I have Carrie's mom in the back of my head..."they're all gonna laugh at you!" (Oh if only I could use psychic powers to bitch slap people with a fire hose! How delicious a thought is that?!) I try to be gracious. I try to believe them but my eyes tell me a different story. I don't even think it's a body dysmorphia thing or anything like that, I just can't see what other people tell me they see. I desperately want August to be over with. It'll be my birthday next month and good things are planned and Fall will be here and I feel like things will just plain be better. I hope that means my body will stop hanging on to every calorie and let me enjoy some fruits of my hard fought labor. I'm so tired of seeing the same person from the upper tire down and quite frankly she's not welcome here anymore. I want to burn these fat goggles and see what others see because right now they're telling me mean things and feeling like all 187 pounds of weight loss thus far hasn't really meant a whole lot and I know that's just not true. Stupid goggles. *Hmmph!*
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You know, I weigh 184 right now, so you lost me. You lost an entire person (an entire, overweight person). That's something of which to be proud (I don't care if it's okay to end sentences in prepositions, I can't do it).
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to lose sight of your achievements when you look at how far you have left to go until you end up where you envision yourself. I have no answer or quick trick to shut the bitch in your head up. She hangs around me as well.
As far as the fat goggles, sometimes you have to force yourself to realize the loss. Get out your starting outfit. Or, something from earlier this year and put it on. Squat in it, sit in it, twist all around and realize how much easier it is to do with the extra fabric.
I don't track my poop days, but I should. We call it 'voiding' in my house. Which, is probably more than you needed to know.
When I was younger, I used to love to go over to my grandmother's house and lay in the dining room and watch the sun glint off of the chandalier and create rainbows. They weren't real rainbows, but they made me happy anyway. And on rainy days, sometimes my grandfather would use the flashlight to make them. As cheesey as it sounds, some days you have to create your own rainbows.
I'm truly sorry you are having one of those months. And I'm glad you know it will eventually pass.
ReplyDeletePerhaps your poo schedule has something to do with your slower than usual weight loss. According to Dr. Oz, we are supposed to poop every day. Maybe you want to get more fiber in your diet -- more fruits and veggies and/or a supplement. I like flaxseed in my morning smoothie, but add it to your diet slowly so your body gets used to it. (Geez, who am I to advise the weight loss queen? But maybe this is helpful?)
Anyway, I'm rooting for you. I know you will get through Awful August and take off (in more ways than one!) in Soaring September! Hang in there. We're all cheering you on and downright awestruck at what you've accomplished so far.
Stoopid goggles! (insert bad accent) You want I should run them over with my car?
ReplyDeleteI know August hasn't been what you hoped for, but you are still my "how to" model. You just keep truckin' along not matter what, and that's freakin' awesome! It makes me proud to know you.
Maybe it's time to get some medical advice? A doctor/weight loss expert might, as an outside party, spot a pattern that you've missed being so close to it. Maybe he/she would have some suggestions that you haven't considered.
Maybe just a check up to see that all systems are working correctly. You've lost so much weight already that maybe your hormone producing parts, or your food processing parts, or some other parts are in need of a check up? I don't know much about the medical end of it all, but ruling out hidden health problems can't hurt.
I've been stalled in my weight loss for the last 2 months as well. I've actually lost zero pounds since the end of May so I can understand your frustration. I've never had this bad of a "plateau" before so I'm starting to get irritated.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually going to get my resting metabolic rate tested. This will tell me how many calories I burn just sitting around and it will help me more closely tweak my calorie intake with how much I'm burning on a weekly basis. I really believe that I'm not eating enough to fuel my body. Here's a link to the test I'm doing at my YMCA http://www.newleaffitness.com/index.html
Maybe that's the same issue you're having. I know you tweaked your calories up a couple hundred, but with the kick ass workouts you do maybe that wasn't enough.
I truly hope you can turn things around.
Oh yeah! I forgot to add! I track my POOs too so you're not a total freak. I actually note the date, time and give it a rating from bad to good (bad, decent, good, GOOD). Seems kind of neurotic when I type it out like that, but I don't care. I've been tracking it in a little notepad document on my phone with my daily weigh in since last September and more detailed info since March.
ReplyDeleteI've actually found it very helpful to know this stuff!
I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but just know that all of those compliments are well deserved. It seems as though you don't understand it all now, but someday all the pieces will fall together.
ReplyDeleteThis journey you are on is one that a very small percentage of people even decide to take. YOU however...have pounded down walls that at one point in your life you wouldn't even attempt. I think if you sat back and wrote all the AWESOME things you have accomplished through this 187 lbs I BET you would come up with more than 26.
STOP dwelling on the negative in your life and enjoy the positive. Seriously...trying to "figure out" the negative is only bringing more of it into your world. Trying to "figure out" why your body is reacting negatively is causing your body to react negatively.
START thinking positive girl and good things will come your way....I PROMISE!!!
OKAY....moving on to start taking my own advice! LOL :)
Thanks so much to everyone for the kind comments! It means alot.
ReplyDeleteJessy- I don't have time to dwell, I'm faced with some other bullcrap almost every day for the past 4 weeks. Lack of weight loss is one small thing on a list of things out of my control that contribute to it right now. Well no, given I've only lost 31 lbs this year after busting my ass harder than I ever have and at that rate it will take me 4 more years to get to goal. Imagine raking your yard all weekend 24/7 and having 1' of yard actually cleared for all of your effort. There are times it doesn't feel worth it.
I wish loving someone meant I could just siphon off a reasonable portion of whatever ails them and carry it away... I'd do that. For you.
ReplyDeleteThose fat goggles... they are something, aren't they? I am always amazed at how different I can look to myself - sometimes even hours apart - based, apparently, on my mood or circumstances alone. I know if I took a picture, I'd look objectively the same, but my eyes see something different. And it works the other way, too - I can have changed, but I won't necessarily see it unless I take a picture.
I really like what your first commenter said... sometimes you have to make your own rainbows and force the realization... I'm taking that to heart today.
As for the rest, I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers. I know you KNOW anything more I could say and then some. What I continue to value is your honesty and resilience. I've been struggling with flood PTSD all summer and having to still reclaim my life. You being here keeps me moving forward.
{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}
So sorry for all the crud that has come your way lately! August. Bleh, can't be over soon enough; I am stuck in much the same way. If I don't lose any more before the end of the month, I'll post a whopping 1 pound loss as well. Stupid fat goggles. I wear them, too; I've lost a fair amount and am wearing sizes I didn't dare dream about, getting compliments all the time about how great I look. What I see in the mirror, though, is the rolls that remain, the chunky waist that seems like it will never get smaller, the flabby arms and so on. Here's to a better September and finding a way to burn the fat goggles for good!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some words of wisdom. I think Lola might be on to something. I know someone on SP who had that done and the number was quite different from what he thought it was. It made a big difference once he adjusted to it.
ReplyDeleteI hope September brings a nice break for you and a some productive weight loss! I don't know about where you live, but this unrelenting Florida heat and humidity is a constant reminder of being overweight.
ReplyDelete(BIG HUGE GIGANTIC HUGS) That is all...Love ya girl! Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteFeelings are such fickle things. They never require things like truth, evidence, reason. And they own us. Oh, boy, do they own us. I think you gave sage advice to your Mr. when he was battling unreasonable anxiety and it was robbing him of fulfillment, happiness. That gives me every reason to believe that you WILL overcome these fat-colored glasses (instead of rose-colored). I just can't get away from the notion that this, too, is related to the enormous stress you've been under. Learning new techniques to process stress differently could be the key to a lot of plagues. *hugs* That said, if you need an ear, I'm here and I care. Sometimes just giving voice to it out loud helps.
ReplyDeleteYou know, last year when I was doing so well and had hit the 60 pounds gone mark, I couldn't see the progress. I took pictures and I didn't see it in my face at all...then there were pictures taken at my Brother's wedding and all I could see was my gigantic Jabba the Hutt face and chins and I started spiraling. I've spiralled so far nearly 50 of those pounds are back. Then, as if I am genetically hard wired to torture myself, I looked at my "progress" pictures from last year and Damnit it if I didn't finally see the evidence that I had lost some pounds....I think that for me, my fat goggles are directly related to my depression/anxiety levels and I started my episode, round about January. I'm not any better now, really...but I finally saw progress and threw it all away. I KNOW you aren't going to do what I did. You've got this battle down to a frickin' science...tracking your Poo?? Seriously...that's beyond hard core, that makes you like the Hardcore Champion any day of the week and undefeated for 14 wrestlemanias! Basically, you're the freakin' UNDERTAKER of the Weight Loss world.
ReplyDeleteClearly you're dealing with MAJORAJOR Stress right now. Lean on your Mr., like when you guys got through his battles with the mental monsters. You've got so many of us cheering you on and wanting only good things for you.
*Big Hugs* to you.
Gently caress August. Gently caress it right in its pee hole.
ReplyDelete(or, since poo was mentioned, poo hole)
I second the "focus on accomplishments" comments. For me, I force myself to notice how much HEALTHIER I am now. It could be something seemingly small like being able to weed tree beds all morning without getting winded or sore (thanks to all the squats/lunges I've been doing). Yeah, I'm still FAT, but I'm also FIT. My blubber butt will catch up. . .eventually.
I've been down the same road as Becky and trust me..you don't want to join us. It is not a fun place to be.
ReplyDeleteI am also in agreement about the accomplishments. How much further can you walk? How much better can you breathe? Or give a 185 lb person a piggy back ride and see how winded it makes you feel and then you will see how much less stress you have resting on your body.
Girl..you have to snap out of this stressed out funk. You have accomplished SO much and made so many people proud. You are an inspiration to so many people. These last posts make it seem like you are giving up and I really hope it isn't the case because you deserve better than giving up on yourself.
BIG HUGS. You CAN do it.
Sorry it comes off if I'm giving up Jinx but I'm not going to hide any part of my journey including the sh*tty parts. For as much of an "inspiration" as people tell me I am, it would be wrong of me to pretend it doesn't come without extreme frustration and times you feel like you want to give up or not have a rainbow shoot out your butt because everything is hunky dory.
ReplyDeleteOften times it's not...more times than not it's not but the difference between eventually making it and not is doing it anyway. Which I am.
Well said, Mrs! We appreciate your honesty AND that you aren't giving up.
ReplyDelete