Thursday, August 25, 2011
You all see my workouts and I track my food and all nutrients like fiber, sodium, fat, etc to the tee, even on high cal days which I think the Mr thinks I'm a lunatic for doing...no I take that back probably the most odd thing I do is track my poo habits. That's right, I said it. In my tracking diary, there is a big capital P for POOP on the days I do it so that a pattern can be spotted. "Gee I haven't defecated in 3 days, what the hell did I eat??" So not losing any weight when I've been working my body to the bone, tracking like I was paid to do it and hanging on to weight because douchebags won't just leave me alone or do what's right or what have you has really sucked the soul right out of me. I feel like I'm teetering on this thin edge of sanity and well, jail if things don't turn around soon. I mean really, should a $1300 headboard just purchased 5 months ago already be disintegrating? No? Yeah, didn't think so.
So I have a really hard time seeing any progress whatsoever and this recent influx of compliments makes me want to scream "liars!" I feel like I have Carrie's mom in the back of my head..."they're all gonna laugh at you!" (Oh if only I could use psychic powers to bitch slap people with a fire hose! How delicious a thought is that?!) I try to be gracious. I try to believe them but my eyes tell me a different story. I don't even think it's a body dysmorphia thing or anything like that, I just can't see what other people tell me they see. I desperately want August to be over with. It'll be my birthday next month and good things are planned and Fall will be here and I feel like things will just plain be better. I hope that means my body will stop hanging on to every calorie and let me enjoy some fruits of my hard fought labor. I'm so tired of seeing the same person from the upper tire down and quite frankly she's not welcome here anymore. I want to burn these fat goggles and see what others see because right now they're telling me mean things and feeling like all 187 pounds of weight loss thus far hasn't really meant a whole lot and I know that's just not true. Stupid goggles. *Hmmph!*
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Labels: Deep Thoughts