My Experience with Vulvar Biopsies

(Thought I'd give you a fun graphic for a not at all fun topic)

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Obviously, I must first state that I am not a doctor.  What I am about to share is my own personal experience and if you have questions/concerns, you need to ask your own doctor what to expect and how to care for your biopsy site.  Fair warning: I am not a sugar coating kinda gal and use colorful language.  If you need someone who is going to 'polish a turd' for lack of a better term, you need to go somewhere else.  But let me tell you that no matter what you read here, if you have been deemed to need a biopsy what is potentially waiting for you if you're too scared to get one could be WAY worse than just getting it done.  It's not fun but neither is a late stage disease or dying because you were too scared of needles or a diagnosis.  

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If you didn't read yesterday's post about my secret struggle the past two years, I strongly urge you to in case you should ever go through the same clown car of symptoms I did.  I've had the 'privilege' of having two vulvar biopsies as well as one inclusion cyst removal in the same spot so basically three times in 9 months with an extra hole on my inner Bassett ear.  (For the physically fit amongst us with no idea to that reference, Bassett ears are how I refer to my labia majora since a 200 lb weight loss leaves them resembling the ears of the droopy hound.)  I had a long stint with major vulvar burning that I and several online doctors mistook as a yeast infection.  When it didn't go away, I began a long journey of ups and downs and the biopsies became necessary.  I'm sharing my experience with them in case others should ever need to have one that you may have a vague idea what to expect and the products I personally used as I recovered.

My doctor, who is a sweary, unflappable kind of lady, approached the biopsy as a quick thing where the worst part of it was the injecting of the numbing anesthetic into the vulva.  She needed to asterisk that with * until it wears off.  Yes, it sucks getting stuck with the needle, more when the anesthetic is administered but it's literally 4 seconds of wanting to donkey kick your gynie in the face until you don't feel it.  I did not feel the punch biopsy at all.  The first time I had it, I took it like a champ with the actual biopsy.  The second one I bled a decent amount to the point she asked me if I was on blood thinners.  That's never something you want to hear but is something you might want to note to self and to your doc should you be on them.  She put some stuff on there to stop the bleeding but told me I'd need a pad since I was "oozy."  The first biopsy I only needed a pad for two days but I needed it for a full 7-8 days before I felt like it was healed enough to not need it.  Honestly, I'd bring your own pad to the party because the ones they give you are shorter and full of crap chemicals that your newly punched poon should never have to absorb.  I like these and they give good coverage without bad crap in them.  (If you're a pad user, just switch to pads that are not bleached with chlorine, have dyes or fragrances, etc.)

The day of is not fun because the stuff wears off and the extent of the procedure starts to make itself known, so for me, laying flat is really the only thing that feels okay.  Matter of fact, if anyone asked my opinion, I would tell them to schedule it on a Friday if possible to have the weekend to remain horizontal.  I'm pretty dense because I stuck to my exercise schedule and while I did strength routines that didn't require much movement, I also did walking workouts.  You know, so that I could rub my Bassett ears against each other anywhere from 5000-7000 steps worth!!  Dope.  If I ever have one again (hopefully not) then I would give myself 1-3 days of either complete rest being as horizontal as possible or doing ground exercises like chest/tri's and/or core stuff.

I always forget that day two is the worst.  It's swollen, uncomfortable and if you don't hydrate, you're going to be in for a world of hurt when you pee.  This time I was actually smart and used the bidet sprayer we got at the beginning of the great TP shortage of 2020.  I also have used a perineal bottle and you can put it in it's little bag and take it in your purse if you have to be away from home during the healing time.  I used small gauze squares with some Neosporin on them to keep the wound free of infection as I healed given its proximity to the back door.  (And of course if you're a stress trotter like me, you always have more diarrhea going through something mentally stressful like that so it's imperative to keep the area clean!  I go so far as to pop organic cotton balls over the rump chute so if anything should inadvertently come out without me knowing, my open wound won't be marinating in fecal bacteria.  Aren't you glad you're reading this?  😆)  I should note that people who don't know if they're allergic to Neosporin (apparently a very small amount of people are) then Aquaphor is a suitable barrier product, it just won't have the antibacterial element to it though.

It typically took me a full two weeks to feel like I'm not constantly thinking about it and that's provided I didn't tear.  I did with the first one.  I thought I was getting better about a week in and a wipe pulled that skin progress back to three on the healing scale which is why I switched to the perineal bottle.  The second time around I had zero issues on that front, thank God, because it's a nice little zap you're not really prepared for.    

I was recently cleared to go back to my annual visits with no more vulvoscopies every six months as long as things stay kosher down below.  The biggest thing to know is if a vulvoscopy is scheduled for you, be prepared they may have to do a punch biopsy just to test what they can't get a clear view of visually.  I was not prepared for that, thrown into it and I wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.  (Actually, I did!)  I don't ever want someone to go into a vulvoscopy (which is just taking a peek at your punani with a scope and a swipe of vinegar) as unprepared for a completely different experience as I was.  I'm not saying that to scare you or make you ruminate before an appointment but it's better than being shocked AF that they are doing something you were mentally unprepared for.

As I said, this is only my personal experience.  Any questions should be directed to your doctor and I suggest writing them down.  Like a note on your phone for you but a physical copy for them to go over with you.  Your brain may go all over the place if you blank out under pressure like I do.  I must stress the importance of having trust in your gynecologist.  When my issue first came up, my interim gynecologist was a complete dolt and just kind of threw her hands up in the air when it didn't come back the way she expected.  She had zero interest in pursuing it further despite my still having symptoms.  YOU KNOW YOUR BODY!!!!  If something is wrong, keep pursuing a doctor who actually cares about you and who will systematically test you for all of the possibilities including some crap you've never even heard of before.  Chats with some of my lady friends over this two year journey from me had a few "that can happen!?!?"  Yep.  But don't wormhole into self diagnosis just do as much research as you can (or have someone you trust do it if they are willing if research triggers you) so you can go in armed with proper questions.

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