It's Okay to Say "Enough"

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Before I get to the (additional) struggles I've been dealing with for almost two weeks, I want you all to know the Mr 100% supports me posting about this.  I asked him if he was comfortable with it and was worth sharing because it paints someone in his life in not the best light.  He said it was more important if one person could benefit and to hell with what anyone thinks.  He too, has had enough.

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I'll give you a condensed backstory as I've done in a few posts over the years.  I met the Mr when I was 17 and he was 19.  He's got two sibs both older by less than 10 years but not close enough they could ever attend school together.  One sib decided to betray him to break us up very early on in our relationship and trash talked me to the family.  The only person who ever gave me a chance was his dad whom we lost in the early 2000's.  (Boy do we miss him.  He was the best!!)  I was never good enough for his mom.  I tried so hard over the years to do what I thought she wanted.  To be who she wanted me to be.  To retain just enough of authenticity in her presence to not betray myself but maybe try to be the daughter she never had.  I would spend WEEKS on the edge of vomiting due to the anxiety of family gatherings the first five years and it would take a week after for my body to finally right itself.  We're talking anxiety attacks from hell with all the evidence I needed at each one from her to confirm my trepidation.  I never even had them much before I was faced with someone who openly looked down on me and knowing I was going to be scrutinized all evening.  The only solace was knowing Dad would be there to balance things out.  The Mr is not particularly close with his mom and never has been so the things people try to say about 'mothers and sons' doesn't really apply from his end.  What does apply is the Mr has been a people pleaser his whole life and a lot of that has to do with her and trying to make someone incapable of being truly happy, happy.  I'm not saying that to be mean, it's an unfortunate truth and one the Mr will be the first to tell you.  For reference I will also give you timelines when I refer to years.  We've been together 31 years at the end of December.  We've been married for 26 1/2 years.  When I refer to 25 years, I am referring to the amount of time we were together before the supposed 'bury the hatchet' moment.)

Flash to 5 years ago on one of our birthday outings that I suggest we do with her.  She was talking about an ex-SIL who was basically well, I'll just say not someone any of us were sorry to see divorced out of the family.  That SIL did a lot to take advantage of the wedge already between my MIL and I and put crap into her head even though I hadn't spoken to that SIL in almost 10 years at that point.  After the Mr constantly telling me nothing he would ever say to convince his mom of how much I loved her, wanted to be part of her life, etc would sink in, I took control and laid it down.  I let her know I had not spoken to that person in over a decade, she did not speak for me and I didn't know what more to say except that I loved her (his mom) and I don't know what else I could say to convince her.  We had a big heartfelt moment in the middle of a store, got teary eyed and forgave each other for the past.  It was a moment the Mr and I had been waiting for for 25 years.  You have no idea the relief we both felt when I finally penetrated this barrier created by his sibling and later the SIL in her brain.  I spent the next years (and honestly even the ones before that) making sure I made her favorite Christmas cookies for her or making special trips to get candy from their hometown, both of which as the Mr pointed out over the years, I was never thanked for but I was happy to do it.  I liked to get thoughtful gifts, express my love for her and let her know that she was thought of and cared about despite what she used to think of me.  After all, the past was the past.  Right?

Wrong.

A couple of weeks ago, we came home from a walk.  There was a gift on our doorstep that we assumed was from her but no note.  The Mr went straight upstairs while I hopped on the computer.  Our VM translates and emails a copy of the transcript.  I see it's his mom's number and it says she left something on our porch.  I guess she thought she hung up but she didn't.  Oh yeah.  You know where this is going.  She's talking about our neighbor and then all of a sudden, she starts talking shit about me!  This is literally 20 seconds after she dropped off a Christmas decoration that clearly wasn't given with the Mr in mind.  The email translator is always a little off so what I was reading didn't seem to make sense so I pulled up the voice mail.  Yep, she's talking smack.  I yelled up to the Mr "hey, wanna come down here and listen to a voice mail of your mother trashing me?"  There's a butt pucker moment every husband wants to hear when he thought 25 years of bullshit was behind him.  Ahh, the things you learn when someone thinks they've hung up the phone.

She was in the car with someone and our doorbell cam could actually match up what she was saying to our voice mail.  The most fun one to hear is how I forced him to get married when we did (The Mr was actually older than when his brother got married!) and he supposedly flunked his last college class because of me.  Both of those NOT TRUE given we were engaged for two years and planned the wedding around the fact he was supposed to be graduated by then, as well as some other flat out lies she was telling this person.  (The school one pisses me off royally because while yes, he did his homework at our house after work, *I* helped him study if he needed it.  I even did it after college for classes and certifications he needed for jobs after we were married.)  

For me, there are two things you don't do- betray my trust and make an ass out of me for taking you at your word.  She did both.  I asked the Mr who wanted to handle it because it was getting handled and I was more than happy to forward her the VM telling her we got her gift as well as the trash talking session and leave him out of it.  He called her and needless to say, it got ugly.  The kicker?  She's not sorry.  She literally emailed me asking what she ever did to the Mr for him to not come around and she's "sorry what she said was hard to hear."  I want you to let that sink in for a second.  She blamed US for her choosing to talk about 26 year old bullshit to a stranger and made herself the victim when confronted.  My response to her about why her son doesn't call?  "You're asking the wrong person.  Talk to your son.  I will not be your go between."  Those issues are LONG before I ever showed up and he dreamt his whole childhood about moving away so 'people would miss him.'  What does that tell you about how he felt treated in his own family?

I wrote a response to her more as a way to get it off my chest but initially I wasn't going to dignify her spin session where she blamed US for making her talk bad about me with an answer.  When I read it to the Mr, he said "send it.  It's to the point, it's not mean and if you want to send it, I support you."  She began badgering us both with emails/texts despite us both telling her we needed time and would not be addressing this before the holidays.  Her boundary crossing skills are Olympic level and she has always refused to take responsibility for her actions so this is no exception.  Her role as perpetual victim is tiring and draining to justify.   There is a phone call that's going to happen in the new year where the Mr will address why he doesn't call or come around.  There will be nothing in writing that she can bring up on the phone to pass around the holiday table, show the mailman or her card club.  It will not be a scheduled phone call so she can have 20 excuses at the ready though given her immediate victim blaming to the Mr I suspect she always has them at her fingertips.  She asked for answers, she will get them and a long list of examples of her toxic behavior, negativity and gossip that has made the Mr not want to bother.  

I was perfectly fine to go on my way as I had the previous 25 years before the supposed reconciliation knowing she didn't think I was good enough for her son with no real explanation as to why.  I knew my place then.  I knew it was futile and I had accepted that and come to terms with it.  What I can't accept is knowing what her true opinion of me that she spouts to everyone who will listen and more importantly that 3/4 of it was factually wrong.  (Like to the point the Mr was like "what is she talking about!?  That never happened!")  I suppose it should say something that she had to go back decades to spill anything but that was one of what we know are many gossip sessions about us.  I'm not assuming.  That is literally all she does when we're together is gossip about other people and particularly likes to focus on death, misfortune and her favorite- judging others.  We weren't stupid enough to think she didn't do that about us but we figured the worst she could say about us now was that we didn't come around or call much.  (Apparently texts and emails don't count.)  Yes, I am very aware of the saying "what other people think of you isn't your business", in fact, I quoted it in my response to her.  What is my business is placing my trust in someone who doesn't deserve it.  A person who has hurt me and put me down pretty much from day one.  When I heard that message- I went right back to being 17, shaking for hours and an unworthy piece of crap.  I didn't deserve that especially when on the walk we were on, one of the things we talked about was when to get together with her safely!  What an idiot I was.  I take people at face value and have no reason to think they're literally giving me a gift with one hand while stabbing me in the back with the other.

I want to make it absolutely clear, I completely encourage the Mr to have whatever kind of relationship he wants to with her.  That is his mother and I have never once, regardless of how much I was looked down upon and mistreated by her over the decades, told him to choose between us.  I wouldn't do that.  But it's also no longer my place to go out of my way to give thoughtful gestures for someone who doesn't appreciate them.  It's not my place to encourage him to call or text her to get his 'stock up' with her because if he wants to have a relationship with her, he will.  I have made that clear to him that I do not force relationships with people who clearly don't want them with me and he understands that.  

It is okay to say enough.  

There is someone out there with tears streaming down their cheeks because they know what I'm going through.  They've nodded their heads yes to the betrayal because they've felt it too and have been told to 'keep the peace' or 'it's family.'  I'm sorry but it doesn't all fall on the woman to have to be the one to keep the peace and make herself smaller to make her husband look bigger.  You can bow out of situations that are unhealthy for your mental health and anyone that doesn't understand that can piss off.  There needs to be a conversation between the spouses that is calm and level headed.  Present your case, how it affects you and come to a mutual understanding.  If you're not close with your parent(s) and they ask why not or what they ever did...tell them.  Yes, its an uncomfortable conversation to have and maybe things won't change but in the end, you will have spoken your peace and left nothing unsaid.  Most parents/people will not ask and then these lovely webs of lies get spread about you for decades.  90% of what people who aren't close to know about you is what they hear from other people's experiences with you.  That's a lot of filtering, perspective and potential misinterpretation going on and yet no one ever asks the source(s.)   So when she asked for answers about the Mr, it was not my place to speak for him.  I did tell her how hurt and disappointed I was in her and how she asked what she ever did and I said I'd like to know what *I* ever did to her other than love her son and have his back for over 30 years now.  In the end, I told her I accept that she didn't like me for whatever reason but I was just sorry I was dumb enough to believe her when she said the past was in the past.  

I refuse to jump through hoops for someone who has no intention of ever accepting me the way I accepted her when I thought we were through all of the old BS.  I'm too old to jump that high.  If this long into our life together she still doesn't like me...that's her problem, not mine.  She told the Mr maybe this was a good thing for their relationship.  (You see the theme, yes?)  Yeah, I can understand how getting caught trashing the woman he's been with for almost 31 years and spreading lies about both of us will improve things but who knows.  If they end up closer, good on them.  I will focus my efforts on people who have not spent my entire adult life trying to make me feel less than.  I am sorry it turned out this way and I'm sorry to anyone who can relate especially as the holiday season is upon us.  You may have just gotten through Thanksgiving only to be dreading Christmas.  You may be a former holiday lover who now spends any time past October 1st dreading what is coming instead of soaking in the season.  I used to.  Take stock in yourself and how you want to be treated.  Have discussions with your spouse about how to move forward and what that looks like.  And FYI it shouldn't always be just you 'taking one for the team' in order to keep everyone else's peace but your own!  I know if kids are involved it can be more challenging but people do it and the kids still have a relationship with their grandparents.  Consider talking to a family therapist to devise a proper plan so that both you and your spouses feelings are considered and the well being of the children is at the forefront.    (Or if they're booked up- go on Reddit and start a thread. 😄)  Boundary setting is imperative and stick to it especially when it's hard.

You're enough.  I'm enough...and I've had enough.

So yeah, that's what we were "thankful" for this holiday. 😕

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