Homemade Goodness

One would think by the title that this is where some delectable recipe would reside but nay, it's about making your own awesome.  I'm sure most of you are familiar with the "Curves" concept of circuit training...a few minutes doing cardio then switch to a minute or two of strength.  We've put together our own circuit workout that we've been doing for about 3 weeks now.  I love it.  I put on a good cardio mix of booty shakin' music and we go to town.

For cardio we set up the treadmill (at varying inclines), the water rower and the step.  For strength and abs we set up the mats on the floor for sit ups, planks, push ups etc and we have the weight bench pushed up against the weight tower so I can do incline push ups or "mountain climbers" and other plyo.  I can do about 50 minutes and burn 1000 calories.  We will pull from other strength workouts we like to keep our heart rate up like many moves from Atletica or Supreme 90 Day which is WAY harder than I gave it credit for.  I think this will be a good one to keep things interesting!

Do you do circuit training?  Do you make up your own workouts and if so, what are they?


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Reflecting on the Past

I really enjoyed my Ladies Lunch yesterday.  I was disappointed my "work dad" couldn't make it and my friend brought her sister in law who was in town and while she was nice, she was very talkative and it didn't feel like a real lunch like we're used to.  Of course I changed that about 2 hours in with saucy talk so we recovered.

I remember when we got together at this one lunch at a place close to my house.  There were more people at that one, hmm, come to think of it, that one was different too because a girl drug her kids there when we asked her not to and I was stuck "entertaining" them and missing out on the adult conversation.  I was kind of excited because at that point, I'd lost 75 lbs and didn't know if people would notice or not.  The last time I saw those people I was about 35 pounds heavier because they never saw me at my heaviest.  No one noticed and I was bummed.

When we got together last year, I'd lost about 145ish pounds and I thought "surely they'll notice now!"  I met with one of the ladies I was close to earlier so we could shoot da poo as saucy as we wanted to before the two other, more conservative ones got there.  I was shocked to see how much weight she'd gained.  Actually I didn't recognize her.  I thought it was her because it was her car but then I thought no because that didn't look like her.  It wasn't until she knocked on my window that I knew for sure.  When the others arrived I could tell when I stood up that they wanted to say something about my weight loss but then saw her and didn't want to make her uncomfortable so I was relegated to the "you look great" generic comment.  Sigh.  It's not like I needed these women's praise but it's always nice to have people you don't see often recognize that you're changing your life.  But for my friends' sake I was okay with them not noticing.  The one lady told me in line she didn't even recognize her and was worried.  I agreed.  This explained why she refused to post her picture on Facebook and why I no longer recognized my friend.

Ladies Lunch

Before I became a work from homer, I was at my previous job for almost 12 years.  It was a good place to work for the first half of that time and it slowly transformed into a kind of Hell on Earth by the end.  The kind of Hell on Earth that I can directly attribute 60 lbs to.  I didn't have my head on straight back then and ate my frustrations with the tawdry affairs, poor and unfair treatment, new demands they knew couldn't be met and so on.  But in that horrific place, were a core group of ladies that I relied on to keep me sane.  I typically gravitate toward older ladies.  They love me and I love them.  They always felt like my "work moms" and girls my age had a whole different agenda.  We all thought we could change corporate culture, they giggled because they knew better and were counting down the days to retirement.

Even 4 years after my departure (on my own terms which were rather awesome given they thought their smartest, most tech savvy support staffer would take the abuse until they were satisfied and I wasn't involved in the mass firings less than a year later), we still lunch on occasion.  The only problem is they always want to go to Panera.  This was fine back when I didn't care about sticking in a calorie range or more importantly making sure my sodium doesn't skyrocket to stroke inducing proportions.  I tried to get them to go outside of their comfort zone this year and go somewhere else that I knew had healthier options but no go.  So, I'll be eating most of my regular lunch before I leave (veggies, fruit salad and apple) and then I'll have a whole grain bagel and half a serving of reduced fat cream cheese and water there.  It's the lowest sodium thing I could find there, even over salad.  But for me, the point isn't about eating, it's about visiting which I think a lot of people forget when there is a lunch or dinner out to eat somewhere.  For me, if it's falling on a day where I can't be going outside of range, then I need to plan very specifically.  Some people would say "you don't do it often, just relax the reigns a bit."  Well this week is already shaping up with a few extras I don't normally have so I can't be relaxing the reigns at every gathering.  I'm picking and choosing and feeling good about it.

Do you plan your calories ahead before going out for a meal that's out of the ordinary for a typical week or say 'screw it' and get back on track the next meal or day?  If you say 'screw it' for a lunch, does this tend to make your dinner higher cal than normal or do you get right back on track?
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And August gave me... - Weigh In

ONE mother &$*%ing pound.

As I sit here as sore as I've ever been from a new workout last night (to be reviewed in the coming weeks), barely able to walk, praying for a morphine drip and not even looking forward to our high cal day because that means I will have to move...I don't even care that much.  Pretty sure it's a mixture of pain and broken spirit.

As I looked over my tracker, I noticed one consistent thing.  I'm barely scraping the bottom of my recommended food range which is 2220-2570.  The week I gained the pound I only hit the bottom one day out of the week, other than high cal day of course.  But here's the thing, I'm so scared to go above that!  I feel like I will gain if I go higher than 2200 calories.  So most days I'm about 2170-2250 with the occasional 2000 thrown in for a day or two.  But obviously with everything going on, I've gained a pound anyway and with these new workouts that are somewhat like a half step down from the Insanity workouts, (Affiliate link) my body is going to be dying for more food.

I know these things, I'm not new to the rodeo but at this point I want it so bad I'm in a haze of desperation which I think is killing my weight loss.  So I guess next week I will begin eating within my calorie range for real and hope for the best.  We're at the next level and I can't afford any mistakes.  I'm doing everything else right so I NEED this!

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Who needs a vacay?

"I do! I do!"

Since right now a mini vacation is 3 and 4 months away and the big one is *gulp* 9 months away, I want to dream I'm on a mental vacation.  If I could be anywhere right now, it would be on Kauai at Kai O Honu back when that's what it was called (but I'd add blinds to the windows because blindless vacation rentals is just plain wrong) and be listening to the ocean watching for turtles.  We'd go up to Roy's for dinner and get the potato crusted mahi and butterfish and a virgin Poipu Sunset.  Then off to Lappert's in Kukuiula and get a scoop of chocolate ganache gelato which is the best cold concoction to ever pass my lips.  Then the rest of the time spending time at our favorite spots like Polihale Beach, Blue Hole, Bali Hai and the usual shopping places.  Ahh, I feel more relaxed already.

If you could be on vacation right now, where would you be and what would you be doing?

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Fat Goggles

You've undoubtedly heard of beer goggles.  People drink enough beer and the poor perception of a person when sober changes to someone bangable when properly liquored up.  Well lately have been unable to pry off my fat goggles.  I have gotten many compliments from people telling me how great I look, how I'm shrinking and tons of other compliments that feel completely undeserved.  I look in the mirror and I see the same fat girl I saw at the beginning of the year.  August has sucked (insert inappropriate word here).  I sat down yesterday and wrote out all of the thing things that have been stressing me out over the past 26 days when my life seemed to be nothing more than a conductor for some mad stress experiment.  There were 23 things on the list.  That's almost a crisis a day and many overlapping and over the course of many days.  *twitch*  From health issues of loved ones to relationships being tested to nerves being ground into a quivering pulp to family drama, I have dealt with it all and my body is NOT happy.  If I lose nothing this coming weigh in, I will have lost 1 lb this month.  Yes I measure but those aren't changing much if at all either.  I actually look like I'm regaining my double chin.

You all see my workouts and I track my food and all nutrients like fiber, sodium, fat, etc to the tee, even on high cal days which I think the Mr thinks I'm  a lunatic for doing...no I take that back probably the most odd thing I do is track my poo habits.  That's right, I said it.  In my tracking diary, there is a big capital P for POOP on the days I do it so that a pattern can be spotted.  "Gee I haven't defecated in 3 days, what the hell did I eat??"  So not losing any weight when I've been working my body to the bone, tracking like I was paid to do it and hanging on to weight because douchebags won't just leave me alone or do what's right or what have you has really sucked the soul right out of me.  I feel like I'm teetering on this thin edge of sanity and well, jail if things don't turn around soon.  I mean really, should a $1300 headboard just purchased 5 months ago already be disintegrating?  No?  Yeah, didn't think so.

So I have a really hard time seeing any progress whatsoever and this recent influx of compliments makes me want to scream "liars!"  I feel like I have Carrie's mom in the back of my head..."they're all gonna laugh at you!"  (Oh if only I could use psychic powers to bitch slap people with a fire hose!  How delicious a thought is that?!)  I try to be gracious.  I try to believe them but my eyes tell me a different story.  I don't even think it's a body dysmorphia thing or anything like that, I just can't see what other people tell me they see.  I desperately want August to be over with.  It'll be my birthday next month and good things are planned and Fall will be here and I feel like things will just plain be better.  I hope that means my body will stop hanging on to every calorie and let me enjoy some fruits of my hard fought labor.  I'm so tired of seeing the same person from the upper tire down and quite frankly she's not welcome here anymore.   I want to burn these fat goggles and see what others see because right now they're telling me mean things and feeling like all 187 pounds of weight loss thus far hasn't really meant a whole lot and I know that's just not true.  Stupid goggles.  *Hmmph!*

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Salt Free Taco Seasoning

I love taco seasoning.  Since I try to watch my sodium as much as possible, I'm always looking to find a low to no salt taco seasoning.  Then I thought why the heck would I buy something that isn't going to give me what I am looking for when I have all of the ingredients on hand!?

I'm a spice whore, I admit it.

I love me some spicy (insert anything here.)  So here is my concoction for a kick ass salt free taco seasoning.  If there are any calories in this, it's negligible so I'm not even bothering to so do a nutritional work up.  This will lightly season 3 lbs of beef, moderately season 2 lbs of beef or kill you dead for 1 pound of beef.  You can also use it on chicken or pork or add it to make some spicy Spanish rice/quinoa.  If you want to make it saucy, brown beef, drain the fat and rinse it off, add 1/3 to 1/2 of the mixture and mix it in.  Put 1 tbsp of cornstarch in about 2 tbsp of cold water and stir to make a slurry then add to the beef.  It'll be the perfect consistency perfect for tacos.  The cornstarch will add about 30 calories so look up that info if you're tracking.  If you need a little sweet to balance the spicy, add some honey (adds calories) or even some stevia to the slurry.  Remember the idea is to reduce the salt so if you're going to add any, be very sparing.

Click image to enlarge

1- 1 tbsp chili powder

2- 1 tsp garlic powder

3- 1 tsp minced onions

4- 1 tsp paprika

5- 1 tsp red pepper flakes

6- 1 tsp ground cumin

7- 1/2 tsp basil

8- 1/2 tsp orange peel

9- 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper

10- 1/2 tsp ancho chili pepper

Obviously you can tweak to your spice tolerance and/or preference.  Have fun!

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My Food Journal for 8/23/11

Someone asked if I was going to do one of these again so here ya go!

Click to enlarge

Breakfast- Bowl of Special K Blueberry with Skim Milk, Veggie Frittata.  (1 egg, 2 whites, onions, red peppers, zucchini, jalapeno, 1/2 tbsp parmesan cheese)  13 oz lemon water

Snack- Banana with 1 tbsp almond butter

Lunch- "Turkey" Patty sandwich (Quorn faux turkey patty, 1/2 tbsp BBQ sauce, onion on a Aunt Millie's Slimwich bun), raw veggies (cauliflower, broccoli, radish, celery) with 1/2 tbsp dip, golden delicious apple, fruit salad (watermelon, cantaloupe, clementine, grapes) and apple bar.  17 oz decaf iced tea

Dinner- Mexican pita pizza (recipe next week), organic unsalted tortilla chips (1 serv) and 1 serv pineapple salsa.  17 oz decaf iced tea

Nighttime Snack- Will be Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich

Water- 72 oz of pure water plus above for 119 ounces.

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My future car

I was thinking about my hubby's car.  It's been through a lot in the past year between us getting hit about this time last year to recently being repainted after some toolbag didn't bother to tarp his gravel load on the freeway and showered the car with it.  That car will be mine in a few years because it'll be paid and passed down to me since we're not going to have a car payment for someone who works from home.  (My rule, not his)  It's not that I really don't like the car, it's more that I don't like what it reminds me of.  (Besides the fact it's a push button car and I equate those with those zip cord cars from the early 80's)  We were forced to get that model.  At the time the Mr bought it, it was the only car in our price range that we were able to fit into comfortably.  Our beloved model of car we had was redesigned and was now tight.  This had just enough room for his tummy not to rub and the seat belts fit us both fine.

When I look at it, I see a reminder of how out of control we were and I'll get to see it for another, oh 7 years or so.  The Mr said we could get a different car or keep mine (it's almost 10 years old and doesn't even have 20K miles on it yet) but it has its own issues so I'll be more than happy to not deal with those issues once I get my 'old, new car.'  I don't mind the way it looks and it's in perfectly fine condition especially since we just got brand new tires put on it, they shouldn't need any until we get rid of that one.  Some would say "oh it should remind you of how far you've come!" (rainbows shooting out of every orifice), it will be hard to view it that way.  To some degree, it will always be the car we were forced to get because we were too fat to fit into anything else.  I will make the best of it though because another car payment is out of the question, I don't dislike it THAT much!  ;-)  Maybe I will find a way to attach a roof rack for kayaks and make it a car that fits into our NEW lifestyle.  Honestly, I've looked at new cars online and there is nothing that floats my boat.  Nothing screams, THAT is the car you want to sit like a lawn ornament in front of your house 360 days of the year so I'm perfectly happy to get a "free" car even if I don't care to remember how we came to get it.

Is there something you had to alter your preferences for because of your weight or your perceived issues with your weight?

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The stress/weight loss slow down connection

Some of you may have read my blog over the weekend with my delightful one pound gain.  I have had a rough 3 weeks and with one weigh in left in the month, I can't help but think there really is a correlation between stress and lack of weight loss.  So far for the month of August, I'm only down a pound and was losing semi-regularly before all of this bullcrap started in my life of people going, well, excuse my french...batsh*t crazy!  I'm tired of the pit in my stomach, it's like I can feel the cortisol building up.  I used to think that was all a bunch of crap but since I no longer stress eat or stray from my healthy eating during difficult times, I have to wonder if there is something to that whole cortisol thing.

What do you think?  Can stress contribute to weight stalls or gains?

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Experiment Failed- Weigh In

Mmm, nothin' like being up a pound.  I can count on one hand how many non-vacation related gains I've had in 3 years.  It blows.  The great salad experiment has failed me.  Worried I was getting too much natural sugar eating fruit salad every day led me to wonder if eating regular salad would benefit me.  I knew I'd be taking a risk especially since that meant an extra 300 mg of sodium between my favorite dressing and cheese.  FYI- they were HALF servings of both and sometimes I didn't even add the cheese.  I'm not eating diet crap dressing on my salads and be miserable...not how I operate.

I knew all week I felt bloated no matter how much water I was taking in (133-154 oz depending on the day).  No hormonal Aunt Flo crap to blame it on.  The only other factor is I burned 700 calories more than my calorie burn goal but I don't know if that was an issue or not.

So yeah, I'm done with the great salad experiment and honestly, I wasn't happy.  I'm not a big salad person except on occasion but I relish fruit salad and feel like I'm getting a treat with it. 

Gee, good thing I don't have any weight related goals like say hitting the 190 lbs lost mark in 2, now 3 pounds or 200 lbs lost or ziplining.  Whew...dodged a bullet there.  *rolling eyes*

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

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If I never hear...

..."nom nom" again.  It'll be too soon.  (I will be seriously contemplating deleting comments of smart asses who write it below!)  ;-)  In my head, it conjures up an unhappy, gluttonous binge ala Seven.  (Affiliate link)  It doesn't matter if that wasn't the intent, it's what I visualize and it grosses me out.  There are just some phrases that the second they are leaked out of someone's face makes you want to cram them back in and tell them never to let those words pass their lips again.

What word or phrase is like nails on a chalkboard for you?

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Strange bedfellows

Last night I wanted to see what I could do to lower my sodium a bit so I decided to do chicken tacos instead of bbq chicken on naan.  Russet potato fries were on the menu but I feel like I've done those to death so I cut 'em up into chunks and put them in the skillet with a little cooking spray to crisp up and added garlic, italian seasoning and pepper.  The Mr yelled in that whatever I was cooking smelled awesome and it did.  But italian potatoes and mexican tacos are strange bedfellows.  Delicious, taste bud pleasing, dreamy, strange bedfellows.

What meal (main dish and side) have you made that doesn't "go" together but tastes so good you just don't care?

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There has to be better ways to burn 1000 calories

We played chase the ball last night for exercise...aka- tennis.  I wanted a way to burn 1000 calories but knew this was the last of the nicer days we were going to have for a while before being in the humidity just wasn't an option for us.  Tennis sounds so good in theory, if you're good.  We aren't.  I don't mind that we're not good but the place we go to has no nets, is fenced in and the length of three actual courts.  Somehow we manage to chuck the ball over a 20' fence several times and go from court 1 to court 3 as though sucking that bad was a requirement for being paid.  It's fun like the first 10 minutes and then you realize you're either doing that jog that implies "I don't want to chase this ball anymore" or you're bending over for the 548th time saying out loud "I don't want to chase this ball anymore" or I believe my exact words were "this blows!"

The first time I looked at my HRM, I figured I'd burned about 300 calories.  Sorry. Wrong answer.  Try 258 or something like that.  I audibly groaned and told myself "just make it to 400.  I know you came to burn 1000 but that ain't happening."  I got to 500 and I was about ready to quit.  Then I thought about how much I'd have to burn between the other 2 workouts this week and thought no, go to 800.  800 is acceptable.  At some point I just kept trying to keep my heart rate in the "pathetic" zone over the "are you even moving?" zone.  When the Mr was off to fetch another rogue ball from the other side of the fence, I'd walk around the court to keep from standing still.  I used to think those runners who were jogging in place waiting for a light to change were just trying to show off.  "Hey look, I'm a runner.  I'm jogging in place so it's like I'm still running but not.  Aren't I cool?"  Now I get it.  Oh you mean you're actually trying to keep your heart rate up to burn calories.  Roger.  We have clearance Clarence!

Finally I just kept telling myself 50 more calories until I hit the 1000+ calorie goal I set in the first place.  I felt really good about reaching it and very glad to get out of the sun with my wicked sunburn from the previous days antics even though I was now coated in 100 SPF.  But the problem with being heavily shellacked in the stuff is when it sweats into your eyes you have a special kind of temporary blindness.  Hey maybe THAT'S why I kept hitting balls over the fence!?  Yeah, that's the ticket!  I'm going with it.  I'm glad I got it in for a change of pace and we got to enjoy the weather but I think I'm rather fancying my homemade circuit tonight to burn a good 800 calories in 30 minutes.  It's our last peaceful night before a family member's dog invades for a few days.  She's a puppy, submissive pees when someone new enters the room and has the attention span of a gnat.  This should reinforce our decision not to get another dog for a long, LONG time.  Our lifestyle just doesn't support it...how awesome is that?

What exercise is the least favorite in your repertoire?  

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All about the outdoors

The day started out on a douchey note yesterday but the Mr was taking a mental health day and we'd planned a healthy picnic and a walk on the beach.  We went to this huge hill on the other side of the area and walked up 12 flights of stairs in a row.  I know that might not sound like much to people who are used to doing that but my lungs were BURNING when I got to the top.  We'd brought our HRM's with us and by the end of our jaunt in the great outdoors, I'd burned 1200 calories so I was very happy.  We came home with a wicked sunburn (the day was very overcast and cloudy when we left but we forgot to apply sunscreen.  Sigh) and the night didn't end all that great but for that 3-4 hours, it was a great way to get some exercise since we're indoor exercisers.

OTHER than running (too easy!), what is your favorite outdoor exercise?

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Current Favorite Morning Snack

I love me some nanas.  They can't be green, they can't be brown, just that perfect shade of light yellow.  I love to slap a tablespoon of Nutella on there but when I need a bit of a protein boost and a wee fiber kick, I choose this:

One 3.5 ounce banana, 1 tbsp of Trader Joe's almond butter (salted) and a hit of pumpkin pie spice.  It is SO yummy and filling and that pumpkin pie spice gives me that bit o' Fall I'm craving so bad lately.  Here's the nutritional lowdown:
Cals- 186
Fat- 9g
Sodium-31mg
Carbs-26g
Fiber-4g
Protein-5g

What's your favorite snack?

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Weigh In - Take that A. F.!

That's right, despite Aunt Flo setting up shop and swinging from my fallopian tubes (aka- cramps du jour), I managed to lose 2 lbs this week.  A rare treat anymore!  I don't know if it was switching things up with our cardio circuit or me burning an extra 500 calories over my target goal or what but I don't care, not askin' questions and movin' about my business yo!

I hope everyone has a great weekend and thanks for riding the coaster with me!

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Uniquely You

Let's do something fun this Friday.  We all have a long history that makes up our story and we all have unique things we've done, met interesting people or been a part of at some point in our lives.  I thought I'd share something fun from my life and encourage you to do the same.

Mine?  I'm in the liner notes of the Elvis 30 #1 Hits import CD.

Share one unique fact about yourself.

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Reactions

Everyone's approach to their weight loss story and more importantly, people's reaction to their losing weight,  is different.  Some people like to be acknowledged; others would rather no one says a word.  Some people hope certain people important to them say something.  I fall in the latter.  For me, obviously what my husband thinks is truly the opinion that matters most to me.  As long as he is happy with our progress and is encouraging and supportive then I truly have all of the support I need.

But for me it is nice if those few people who mean the most to me besides him actually notice at some point and by notice, I mean they flat out say something weight loss related, not vague or a general compliment like "you look nice" which to me can mean "nice outfit" or "good hair day" or "you look better than the usual hellish mess you look like."

What camp do you fall in?

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Irritated - Weigh In

Another 2 oz.  Gee thanks.

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What I've Been Reading This Week

Here are some articles I've been reading this week.  Some I wanted more info, others I wanted to confirm my suspicions.  Regardless, if you want something to do other than work today, because after all it's FRIIIIIDAY, read on!

5 Workout Myths that Mess with Results

Do These 9 Things in Your Kitchen to Lose Weight

11 Romantic Ways To Lose Weight As A Couple

The Slimmer in 7 Days Workout

The Body Positive: Photoshop of Horrors, Malnutrition Edition

Does the 17 Day Diet Work?

Coconut Water Health Claims Not Supported

Is This Food as Toxic as Cigarettes?
(Trader Joe's has nitrate free chicken hot dogs that are AWESOME!)

Have a great weekend all!


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Not measuring up

I took my measurements the other day.  Down 3 1/4" for the month of July.  This is better than some months recently but mostly a big drop overall.  I know I can't lose from my measuring points every month or measure every square inch of me but let me put this into perspective for you.  My massive arm measurements have only gone down 1/2" all year.  I mean REALLY!?  It takes me back to a comment someone close to me said when I pointed out how much I wanted my arm fat to go away last year..."oh that'll never get any better."  I know to some degree they were only relating their experience as they had big arms, had skin surgery and there really wasn't a difference in their before and after.  Well, I know the weight will come off and it won't always look like I'm trying to smuggle hams under my arms but I broke down in tears the other night during a workout and said "maybe they're right...it never will go away."  I know that's not the case but I hate it when you get in those places where you're just done.  I also gave up on the ziplining thing.  I just can't keep putting that kind of pressure on myself.  If it happens, it happens.  Nothing is changing, I'm not going to stop working toward that goal to some degree but I can't pin my success or failure on whether or not I hurl myself over a waterfall in paradise next year.  I'm just not one of those people who can declare "I will do ______ by _______ and it shall be good" and it happens.  That is just never how it's worked for me and I get irritated with people who can.  Pfft.

I exercise 5x week, eat well 6 days per week and watch it on the higher cal day.  I get in 133 oz of water every day, watch my sodium, fiber and fat/carb/protein balance.  I am doing everything I possibly can and I know very well that my body loses on IT'S time table, not mine.  All I can do is what I know how to do and shake things up and be willing to tweak.  What other choice do I have?  I likened it to feeling around in the dark in a huge warehouse trying to find the exit.  The exit isn't necessarily along a wall... it could be in the center of the room or a trap door or even in the ceiling like an elevator but you don't know which one, you have to just keep guessing, not give up and be confident in the fact that the exit is there.

If only it were as easy as finding the exit sign!

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Be your own teacher

I know that some people don't like to journal.  They don't think they have time for it or don't think it'll be beneficial or they don't keep up with it.  I'm guilty of the latter.  I can't count how many journals I've started and then abandoned.  Some of them dated, others not and I have to read them to figure out what time frame I'm looking at.  I like it best when I actually thought to include my weight on entries so I can see the pattern whether it was bouncing, on the way down or the way up.

I came across an online journal during the early to mid 2000's and I found the stark contrast of who I was and how I thought then to now...was well, startling to some degree.  The excuses I made, the broken promises to myself and my husband, justifying all along why every bad day, insufferable situation, health problems of family members and ridiculous scheduling demands we put on ourselves was grounds for skipping exercise and/or ordering pizza or some other crap in mass quantities.  It's the same stuff I now can't tolerate for an extended period of time from others because it's maddening to participate it.  Yet all I could do as I read these entries was watch the beginning of the end happen to this version of myself.  I sat helpless reading it and wondering how I could've let myself be so out of control and such a slave to food and honestly, laziness.  Why was my life worth giving up to eat and lay around because my boss was an asshole?  Or because people we loved were being screwed over by the medical community when we could do nothing but sit back 500 miles away and be helpless?  Or dealing with remodeling projects that never seemed to go right?  (IS there such a thing as remodeling project than isn't utter hell on some level?!)  But in the end, did eating not and exercising bring the people I loved back?  Make my boss less of a b!tch?  Make the contractors do their jobs?  Make my clients less annoying? NOOOOOO!!!!  And it never will...for anyone!

I was swirling in emotions reading how much we piled on ourselves and expected to come out of it sane.  I was so grateful for eventually waking up to what we were doing to ourselves and how many years we were taking off of our lives.  I am so thankful for being able to get a peek into how I was thinking back then.  I knew I was a whiner and excuse maker but it was just a generalized thought but seeing empty and broken promises staring back at me over and over again for years when I had plenty of time to go shopping, clean or rent movies showed me just what my priorities were back then.  Lessons from the past are some of the best lessons there are, especially when you are your own teacher.

Do you journal?  Has it helped you and if so, how?


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