Thanks for the good thoughts yesterday. He came through fine; not much on the answer front but we'll see where we go from here next week. The stresses of the day forced me to retreat to my childhood stomping grounds and it was nice to not think about anything but the simplicities of childhood for an hour.
You know, it's funny how the old reactions are still built in. When we pulled up, there were a bunch of cars at the elementary school by the playground I wanted to go to. I had that panicky feeling inside and I said "oh, there are people here" which I wanted to follow up with "let's go" or "let's wait until practice is over." Apparently the Mr thought "we'll just wait until that lady with her daughter leave." Then we both thought "F it" and got out of the car. We sat on the swings talking and reminiscing. It was so nice to just forget about the adult world for awhile. Then as the pee wee game was winding down, 3 boys the ages of maybe 5, 7 and 12 came over to the swings where we were. Again, that knee jerk reaction of wanting to leave before they got there kicked in. We all know how young boys can be quick with the insults or pointing and giggling and coming up with nursery rhymes with the word "fat" in it. We sat, continuing our conversation on the swings as they created a ruckus around us, flipping the swings over the bar to make them higher, screaming, burying toys in the gravel, etc. We joked that we looked like the parents embarrassed about how bad their kid was doing in practice and escaped to the playground. When the practice was called the Mr asked if I was ready to go since it was just past dusk and I said yes. Again, that instinct of waiting for them to hurl insults as we walked away was strong. My ears were extra perked listening for a word that even sounded like fat or lard and while I heard laughing and words, none seemed to be directed my way.
Even with all of the weight lost, I'm nowhere near thin enough to not be the target of childish ridicule. I can honestly say I don't think that has happened in years and I can't even recall when but I suppose those playground memories come flooding back in more ways than one. I don't know at what weight I will ever feel like that won't be an issue but I'll be glad to get there one day!
====================
Don't want to miss another post? Make sure you subscribe!
I think you might always have that instinct when you first run across people. I know I do. You'll mentally brace for whatever you have been made fun of for before no matter how thin you get. To this day I'm paranoid about my teeth and wearing glasses - I was always ridiculed in my younger years with the 4 eyes taunt and my teeth were jacked cuz I knocked the baby ones out falling on a concrete floor. Thank God for contacts, braces and tooth bleach. I may still be overweight but I never hear anyone say anything--being built like a brick sh*thouse with a massive linebacker hubby probably helps in that regard, lol. I'm very proud of you for forging ahead with your plans even though there were children nearby. Great job!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it crazy how those childhood taunts, regardless of what they were, will always be a part of who we are?? I was always thin but athletic...I mean I was 5-3 and wore a size 5 back in the 80's (probably a size 1 nowadays!) and weighed 110-115 and I was always called thunder thighs by the boys. I still always feel that shame from the ridicule...but I at least have learned that my legs will always be STRONG and that's actually something I am PROUD of now! They are strong enough to kick ass, pedal a bike, run up a hill, give me a strong sprint when I want to die and so much more!!! But yes, sometimes the pain of childhood is always there.
ReplyDeleteAnywhoo - on a more positive note - so glad to hear that the surgery went well and that you and the Mr were able to escape the pressure through some fond reminiscing! You guys are fantastic!!