What To Expect With Cremation

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The following is a post on what has become a series.  If you have been through an illness or death of a parent/loved one, consider this what the young'uns call a 'trigger warning' as it deals with the raw emotions of an unexpected death which may include cursing, dark humor and not holding back my feelings about my experience.  If that's offensive, go elsewhere as this post isn't likely going to benefit you.  If you are new here and want to see the posts leading up to this one, you can start with posts on July 7th and go forward.

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We've always been a traditional family when it comes to funerals.  Viewing, burial, grieve.  For the longest time, I thought Mom would be the same as she had an aversion to the cremation process like many of us have if you were born around mid century.  It's just how many of them grew up and in turn that viewpoint was passed down and accepted by many Gen X children like me.  About two years ago, Mom said she changed her mind and thought maybe she'd be cremated and Grandma's husband had signed off on allowing her children's ashes to be buried with her if they wanted.  Mom said that's what she wanted and I'm so glad she told us.  That's not a conversation anyone wants to have but literally just mentioning it at a family gathering where there are multiple witnesses to their wishes or making sure you tell a few of the people closest to you will ensure that your wishes are carried out especially if you've held one viewpoint for most of your life and it's changed.

If you are an information seeker and want to know what the cremation process entails from beginning to end, this link provides great information with chapters so you can skip to the parts you have questions about.  It tells you everything so decide if you want to know those things or not.  You do need to know this though, if someone has a pacemaker, it will need to be removed before cremation or else it will explode during the process.  Also, if someone has pins, screws, etc from surgeries, those will likely be recycled after cremation so if you specifically want those if they survive the process, you need to tell the funeral home that.

Because of the need for some people to have closure with a funeral, we chose an open casket viewing with cremation following another day and it took 7 days for the ashes to be returned to us even though we were told 10-14 days.  The 'rental casket' is basically a shell.  The body is embalmed and placed in the cardboard box they will be cremated in and the 'lining' of the casket is loose but then tucked along side the body so it looks like they're in a full on casket.  This may be different in your neck of the woods but that's how they did it here.  You couldn't tell.  Now unfortunately, this place did not do a satisfactory job with embalming which is why having a most recent picture is VERY important.  Despite Mom having lost weight unknowingly because of cancer, she was also happy about the loss.  Welp, they re-inflated all of her weight loss in her face and then underfilled her hands.  It was like a bunch of morons inherited a funeral home and she was a test subject.  This was exactly what I was afraid of and let me just tell you, you CAN shop around.  It is NOT tacky.  This is the last time you are going to see your loved one and if you don't have a good feeling or the process while going through planning the funeral service seems off, chances are you're not going to like the end result.  For a fee, you can have them transported elsewhere and you'll be charged for the embalming.  I just want to make that clear.  If no contracts have been signed, you can change your mind.  I wish I had instead of just going along with what was suggested which I wasn't thrilled with in the first place.

Anyhoo...

For those who don't know, many funeral homes will allow you to witness the cremation - for a fee, of course.  (Ours was $150.)  Here's what you need to know about that and why someone may choose that option to send their loved ones off.  If you've ever watched the series Six Feet Under, you know that Nate chose to do this with someone who was alone in his last days.  It was very clear by the attitude of the dude at the crematorium that this was not a person anymore but a job.  My mama wasn't going out as a job.  Maybe it's because of our weight struggles all our lives but as someone who is always ready for a fat comment to be thrown at me, I was going to make sure that I sent her out with dignity and respect and to show them she was a PERSON, not a job.  No, this isn't for everyone.  Most will not choose this option, I could not accompany her to her final journey but I could send her off.  They will be basically in what looks like a refrigerator box with a lid.  The Mr and I wrote letters to her of love and thanks for all she gave us, how much we loved her and our deep sadness of how we were going to navigate life without her.  We put both in one envelope and gave it to the guy to put in the box with her since by law we weren't allowed to go into the room.  He kind of waved it to us and tucked it in beside her.  I wanted our love, our words, our joy and sorrow to become a part of her.

We could not see the flames.  The way it is situated at ours is the window is at the side so you can see them being pushed in but no flames because I don't know that I could've watched that.  We were told we could take as much time as we needed and when we were ready to give them a signal to proceed.  I had Through the Years by Kenny Rogers (one of her favorite country singers) pulled up and we listened to that and bawled.  I told her I loved her and I missed her and how is this happening?  I tearfully gave a nod and they put the lid over her.  They began to slowly push her in at first and I swear I wanted to run in and grab her, wheel her down the road and yell 'nothing to see here!'  They gave a quick shove and I just lost my shit crying yelling "Mommy!"  48 years old and I'm 4 all over again.  We let the song play and when it was over, they met us on the side and he showed us the purple marble urn we got.  (I checked and we were not overcharged for that but you can get them from Amazon.  Mackenzie is the one we got.  It must be marble if it's going to be buried.)  Was it hard?  Yes.  Do I regret it?  HELL NO.  That woman brought me into this world.  She got left by a man who said he'd always be there for her but didn't mean his vows and she struggled and sacrificed for me her whole life.  I wanted her to know that I was ALWAYS going to be there for her, even when it's hard and I don't know that I made that clear enough when she was alive.   

If you want a portion kept aside to be scattered, divided amongst relatives who may want them, etc., make sure you tell them.  I asked for 1/4 of her ashes to be set aside for us and it's more than you may think.  This was for a decorative urn for me (actually two but the one only held like a teaspoon) as well as some to scatter at her favorite places.  I got the call seven days later her cremains were ready.  They gave her to us in a poorly zip tied plastic bag inside of a black plastic box a little less than the size of a shoebox with a sticker identifying her inside of a "lovely" fabric bag with the funeral home's name printed on the side.  You can bet that funeral home bag got thrown away asap.  They also give you a certificate of cremation.  Since I hadn't yet picked out a decorative urn for the house at the time, I put her in this little purple flowered décor suitcase piece she bought and never got to use.  Sigh...NOT what she bought that for.  I used one of her doilies to cover the black box and put her readers beside it.  In the meantime, I bought a necklace for some of her ashes to go in for me.   

Here's where I'm going to use some dark humor so skip to the next paragraph if that offends you.  The amount you can fit into any cremation jewelry piece is like super minimal.  We're talking if it were pepper, barely enough to make you sneeze.  If it were blow, certainly not enough to give you a high.  They give you a pamphlet that you can then cut along the dotted lines to make a funnel to get them into the necklace.  I did this within 3 weeks of her passing and it was the first time I actually had to get in there bag wise.  Initially, the ashes looked super smooth like this Aztec clay stuff I've used in the past but that's not the consistency.  There are chunks.  Not big ones but I would say maybe the size of an oat or smaller which can be well, jarring to say the least.  Bone and teeth only break down so far and while they are pulverized to a point, it's not fine powder completely.   However, when you actually have to funnel your Mom into a bamboo skewer sized hole, life just looks pretty effing surreal.  😳  I shook my head as some of her made it into the necklace and the bigger bits went onto the paper towel I had down.  The Mr looked back and I said "gently cajole your loved one into the chamber" and we busted out laughing.  If you didn't laugh, you were certainly going to cry for the 734th time that day.  So be aware of that if you are going to get cremation jewelry and also plan on using a GOOD chain, not what you get with it.  I sure as heck wouldn't want to lose my loved ones cremains and I've read some reviews where that happened.  I have a very nice necklace the Mr got me back in the day and will transfer the pendant to that when I want to wear it.   I used a plastic spoon and just kept it with the ashes so that when I put some in jewelry bags to sprinkle at some of her favorite places, it would be right there.

The burial urn for the majority of her to be interred with her mother was purple marble.  (The Mr made sure she got her favorite color which I was grateful for and wouldn't have thought of in the hours after her passing.)  Some funeral homes will seal it.  DON'T do that!  Ours wasn't going to anyway but I made it clear I didn't want it sealed so that we could put messages and mementos in with her.  (I will share more about that in a different post.)  We were in charge of putting her in her urn but some places will return them to you already in the urn.  I just think it's important for things to be inspected by the family to make sure nothing looks off.  You read too many horrible stories in that industry but there is a stainless steel marker that is with the body when it is cremated and included with ashes that is registered to them.  If you or someone close to you wants to, you can use a spoon to search for that tag to verify.  I kind of wish we'd done that now but this place does not do a lot of cremations and it was on site so I'm pretty sure it's her.  

When I finally found an urn that seemed to be the perfect mix of both of us, I ordered it as well as a purple velvet bag for the rest of her ashes in the plastic bag to sit in.  I had it embroidered with her name, years of birth/passing, angel wings and the phrase she used to sign every card or email.  The urn came with the option for a little heart plaque or picture.  I opted for the gold heart with name and dates.  I didn't want her picture constantly associated with her death.  Like I have the picture of us up which is fine and brings back good memories.  It was used for her obituary but I can't look at her memory card with that picture of just her cropped onto the card because alone, it represents her death.  I don't know if that makes sense or not but that's how I reacted to it.  As a whole, love the picture but I can't look at the prayer card or I'll lose it.  

As far as scattering is concerned, I'm sure there are all kinds of legal loopholes you have to jump through if you want to do it the right way.  If you knew how many people they sweep up after every baseball game at Wrigley Field, you know that doesn't happen much.  I personally reunited her with her father after she was interred with her mother and I poured water on top to make sure she penetrated.  I did the same at the place she liked to spend time and I'm not telling you where that was in case the ashes police are reading.  I did the same with the water making sure her ashes didn't blow away.  I will scatter her two other places as well if I feel called to do so.  I am sharing a tablespoon with her sib and my cousin who wants a cremation jewelry piece.  They didn't ask, I offered it up because they were like a second child to Mom and it felt like the right thing to do.  

I would encourage you to do the same with people closest to them.  Cremation jewelry and even the small butterfly urn like I got literally hold so little that sharing a teaspoon here and there will not make much of a dent in what you still have for yourself.  You can do other pretty amazing things with cremains like have them made into a record!  I know it sounds crazy but if the price ever comes down from $1000, I'm doing that with my friend when he passes.  He doesn't have any other family and I promised to return him to a place he loved but he's a HUGE audiophile and I think it's more than fitting he would be a record when he goes as well!  You can have cremains put into an art piece, make your own jewelry with clay beads and the important thing is you're honoring your loved one in a way that makes your heart happy and you're able to carry them with you.  If you want your ashes scattered somewhere specific, make sure you leave those wishes with your loved ones before you pass.  You don't want to end up in the landfill because someone doesn't know what to do with you!

Mom's may have been our first cremation but won't be our last, I'm sure.  I don't know if this was helpful to anyone or not but it's how our experience went for us.  Feel free to share anything else that may be helpful in your loved one's cremation experience.  Tomorrow I will outline how I planned her interment ceremony winging it the entire way, of course.

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If you or someone you know is going through a grief process, you may find these resources given to me by a friend helpful:

Crisis Text Line or text 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (or call 988)

Speak Grief

Heal Grief

Books I'm currently reading:

It's OK That You're Not OK (Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn't Understand)

How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed

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