Happiest of Fridays to you, my lovelies! I hope life has been good to you this week and you are geared up for some festive Fall shenanigans. 🍁🍂
I'll be honest as usual, this week has been particularly bad. In addition to full throttle Mom grief, Grandma's death, the extreme childhood emotions and complete lack of give-a-shittedness from my father to STILL not ask me how I'm doing since losing Mom when notifying me about losing his has been debilitating. You know how someone disappoints you your whole life but there's always that little kid in you that hopes that in your worst days they will step up for you in literally the smallest of ways to show that they care about you at ALL? Then when they don't, it's like every horrible way they ever made you feel throughout your life just floods you. I have to give a massive shout out to the Mr for being there for me as usual as well as my two besties who are dealing with their own personal hell with their husbands right now. The world feels pretty bleak and somehow I feel like we're all clinging on this shitty middle aged life raft of hell going down class 6 rapids.
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I must also thank those of you who continue to hang in with me even though this space has not been the happiest of places to be. Several of you have expressed how much these posts have helped you process your own grief that is even years out. I've tried to keep Friday posts lighter but I felt called to share my struggles and maybe that's because grandma's service is today. I have sent flowers in my absence as I am not putting myself through going into a funeral home when I can't even walk past earrings that remind me of Mom without hyperventilating much less the trauma of reliving the hell of all of that funeral stuff. (Plus I honestly don't trust myself not to unleash and out of respect for grandma, I will allow her family to grieve her in peace. I haven't been a part of that family for 40 years now. I love and miss who she was before the divorce and I will have to come to terms with how to grieve who she became to me after.)
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ANYHOO! 😂
Let's move on to happier thoughts like:
How to Get Your Body to Poop on a Schedule, According to Gastros (Well gastros need to come up with something new for me because I'm a three timer and keep a diary but nothing seems to work.)
3 Things You Should Never Do Right After Eating (Jumping jacks or a round on the vibration board?)
Steep physical decline with age is not inevitable – here's how strength training can change the trajectory (Good to know)
The One Mistake That Makes Your Cup of Tea Bad for Your Health (Wow, definitely read if you're on meds. Some surprises in there!)
Here’s How Many Germs Are Lurking on Your Smartwatch, According to New Research (Oh my! Mr keep your new one clean!)
How Grief Shows Up In Your Body (It is BRUTAL! If I thought I had trouble losing weight before...)
13 Ways You’re Shortening the Life of Your Car (Trust me, don't nobody want to do that!)
How Bad Is It Really to Never Deep Clean Your House? (Hell, I need to regular clean much less deep clean!)
Shocking new study finds exposure to everyday factor is comparable to smoking cigarettes: ‘96% of the population is unsafe’ (And nope, it's not sitting either! I will just say I might as well get my urn now.)
Airplane! Is Considered One of the Best Comedies of All Time. But 40 Years Ago No One Saw it Coming (Surely you can't be serious...)
Man, a viewing of Airplane is in order soon because nothing will make you laugh if you're over 40 like that movie! We've got some more schpooky movies to get in but it might be time for Halloweentown or something. Actually let me check something... nope, Marnie and Kal aren't married yet but looks like this time next year they will be and all of us Halloweentowners can explode with squee.
Whatchu got going on this weekend?
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I agree that we need a viewing of Airplane! Soon! Not sure what else we'll get into but at least it's Friday finally. Have a good weekend everyone!
ReplyDeleteAnything where the Mom isn't dying or dead please. Last night was a bad pick for movies.
DeleteHaving a girl's barbecue this weekend.
ReplyDeleteHoping for a feeling of "normal"
Have a good weekend
I hope your girls BBQ helps guide you to a feeling of normal even if only for a few hours.
DeleteI just wanted to let you know that what you are going through is normal. In 2006 I lost my mom in February to breast cancer when she was 43 (I was 22) and then my Grandma (on dad's side who was next door neighbor growing up) died from cancer at 70 in September. Even though those deaths were 17 years ago, I still have days that are hard. Although, it does get better. You never forget, but you learn to live with the horrible void in your life. My grief today that I am struggling with is the relationship I had with my mom as a teenager, which has made me regret not having a better relationship with her. It consumes my mind and I have so many regrets and moments/days of overthinking. As a mom to a teenager, myself, I am trying to create a better relationship with her than I had with my mom. Anxiety medication since both of those deaths of people very close to me has helped over the years.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to go through that and especially so young. It's very difficult when mother daughter dynamics get in the way and we maybe couldn't understand each other the way we wanted to or even the way we saw them being toward other people. Death takes away those chances to 'fix' things or make them better and that's a lot to deal with and an extra layer of hell to sort out in addition to 'regular' grief. I'm glad meds were able to help you with that and that you are making sure to do your best with your own daughter and keeping the lines of communication open.
DeleteWhat you said about clinging onto a raft is spot on, over time I'm sure the pain will ease a little, but one hand of mine will always be on it. Keep sharing, it is helping knowing other people feel some of the same things and that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do! I know to much {TMI}, but I used to regular in the pooping schedule, every morning before work, but now being peri menopausal, who knows when it will be! The only cleaning I'm a little ocd about is the floors, my husky sheds horribly and being 12 years old has a little incontinence so mopping and vaccuming happen every day! The hubs and i are going to an apple festival tomorrow with 100 vendors, should be fun! I hope you and the Mr. have a great weekend.
ReplyDeleteAww, thanks so much Kat! I wish I could blame it on perimenopause but I'm glad that's a symptom to look for. (Been this way my whole life except when we're on vacay because we're eating more than usual so my bod is like "evacuate!" LOL I bet you could make a whole new dog out of the husky hair! HA! Enjoy the apple festival, it sounds like fun!
DeleteAhhhh, finally got the button to comment (see email)! That *internally screaming* meme is perfect! It really does encompass what so many of us are feeling on the inside but trying to still function on the outside. I truly think you made the right choice with not attending that funeral, and you got to have your own private goodbye for your grandma without the others muddying that up. It still doesn't make it easy though, and the thoughts will swirl. I hope this weekend gives you a mental break and you can watch some good scary movies, enjoy good fall weather, and curl up and rest or nap when you want to. And maybe popping in that Airplane! movie!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI wasn't prepared in any capacity for what her death stirred up and adding it to what I'm already going through is just...a lot.
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