How to Get Through Survival Mode After Tragedy

The following is a post on what has become a series.  If you have been through an illness or death of a parent/loved one, consider this what the young'uns call a 'trigger warning' as it deals with the raw emotions of an unexpected death which may include cursing and not holding back my feelings about my experience.  If you are new here and want to see the posts leading up to this one, you can start with posts on July 7th and go forward.

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Whether you are living a nightmare with someone who has recently been thrown into medical turmoil and your days/nights are spent at a hospital or you're coping with death, you are in survival mode.  This is a zombie like state where your body will do the bare minimum to put resources where they need to go.  That means keeping your heart beating and if there are decisions to be made for that person then it will allocate what you need to be there for them... nothing more.  This means that bowl of oatmeal you made 3x week for years will be sitting in the microwave with you staring at it, not knowing what buttons to push to make it start.  This means at the end of the day you will likely fall into bed without brushing your teeth because your body has given all it has the capacity to give that day.  That means you are on day three of using body wipes as your hygiene routine because literally stepping into the shower is too hard.  These things could also apply to a major depressive episode and I would suggest keeping them on hand in a bag by the bed.

Because our lives can literally change in one second, I am going to list the things and strategies that helped me get through survival mode not just while Mom was in the hospital but in the weeks after she passed.  

I pray you never need them.

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Body wipes  

Look, if you're getting home late from the hospital, you've dealt with funeral stuff or are in the throes of grief and deep depression, you truly do not give a crap if you shower or not.  These body wipes are invaluable to get the stinkiest bits after giving a wipedown to your arms or face.  This shouldn't be a long term solution obviously but these will help with basic hygiene until you are able to stand long enough to shower.

Dry shampoo 

If your hairstyle has been ponytail and go, then dry shampoo can get you through for a few days.  You can use the traditional kind that is a spray but my Lord it can choke you out.  If you'd prefer a shake on version, this may be just what you're looking for.  You can also make your own with some cornstarch and a shake of essential oil like lavender to refresh your hair if you're just looking to soak up the oils.

Wisp Toothbrushes

I can't tell you how many times I intended to brush my teeth after a long day at the hospital and it just wasn't in the cards because I woke up in the middle of the night after falling asleep.  If you wake up with teeth that feel like they're wearing sweaters and want a quick wipe down, these will do the trick.  (Also good to keep in your purse in case you get an emergency call and have to leave the house but want to be able to freshen your breath.)

Exfoliating wipes

An exfoliating wipe goes hand in hand with the body wipes but to gently exfoliate your face.  If you're not showering regularly due to your situation then facial care is likely suffering too.  Twice a week should help keep cellular turnover going and keep dull, flakey skin at bay.

Lightly scented body lotion or body spray 

After using wipes, you might want to get the added benefit of smelling nice in addition to keeping yourself moisturized.  (If you're in and out of hospitals, this is especially drying to the skin.  The air there is horrible!)  I like to use a lighter scent like lavender or vanilla so it's pleasant and calming for me but also not offensive to others.

Multivitamin

Just pop one.  You're probably grabbing whatever is available food-wise and not as worried about hitting all of your vitamin goals.  You're going to need to keep your own immune system working well so please just take a multivitamin even if it's only temporary.  I really wish I'd done this instead of doing our typical supplements that were based on us eating the same-ish things all the time.  It would've saved me the headache a few times.

Hydration

If you thought I sucked at water before, imagine me going for 4-7 hour stints at the hospital or walking like a zombie in the throes of grief.  A good big azz water bottle by your side should help keep you on track.  If you don't want to carry the vat we use, even just making sure to grab a small water bottle on your way will go a long way to keep your own immune system working and flushing out the crapload of new toxins you're likely getting introduced to on the daily from both stress and whatever the heck is floating around the hospital.

Crock pot

I really wish I would've utilized the crock pot more during the hospital days but did a little more in the "after" weeks.  Even if it's just throwing a frozen block of ground turkey or a big multi-pound chicken with some water in it to decide how you want to use it later.  Get the meat cooking done automatically.  (Spouses, this is something you can easily do for them, just check to make sure it wasn't bookmarked for something else.)  Keep cans of cream of chicken soup on hand, Mrs Dash taco packets, and onion soup packets so you can dump in with the protein and make easy meals like shredded chicken sandwiches, taco meat, etc.  It's such a time saver and believe me, even if you start the morning out with energy, if you're anything like me, come 3-4pm you are exhausted to the point of not being able to move and motivation to cook will tank.

Food saver

You all know I've sung the praises of this baby for over a decade for a ton of things from meal prep to Christmas cookie dough prep for freezing.  Once you've got stuff made up in the crockpot, portion them out and Food Save them so they can be pulled out of the freezer to the fridge the night before and be ready to roll.

Hearty Soups/Freezer Meals

If even the thought of crockpots seems too much to go in the basement for or to dig out from its exile, have stuff like Chunky Soup or Lean Cuisine type meals on standby.  Look, they're not healthy, especially on the sodium front but we're literally talking about survival.  You want the easiest thing possible.  If want truly easy, you can get a Hot Logic Mini and literally put a Healthy Choice Meal STILL in the box into it, plug it in and it'll be ready when you are.  If you can only eat a few bites at the time, put it back in the hot logic and it'll keep it warm until you can get a few more bites in.  (These are also amazing for patients in recovery/going through chemo.  I got one for my mom and sadly she never got a chance to use it.)

Bookmark/write down favorite healthy recipe for others to make 

When people ask "let me know if you need anything" ask if they're serious.  If so, tell them you'll give them whatever amount to cover the cost of groceries and if they could make a favorite recipe of yours so you can portion it out and freeze, everyone can feel better about it.  I would've killed for people to make this turkey meatloaf recipe I found and made for mom that she never got to try but it was too many steps for me to want to make it for us after the fact.  Bookmark those recipes now and seriously, don't be afraid to post on your social media "for those who have offered to help wanting to know what you can do, I'm finding it really hard to eat the kinds of foods I know are healthiest for me right now.  If anyone is willing to make these X recipes, please message me.  It's hard to ask for help but I'm struggling."  I don't know anyone who would turn that down if their offer for help wasn't an empty gesture.  So seriously, bookmark them after you read this because you're not going to have the strength to do it when your mind and body are shut down.

Paper Word searches/seek and find

Mom did a lot of these and I loved finding her word searches, a few half done which I finished for her, as well as coloring books with a few pages colored.  Trust me when I tell you when you start to have a drowning wave of grief, things like this at the side of your couch or bed will be a good way to calm your brain and keep it engaged.  I'm not saying ignore your feelings but if you find yourself in a 'coulda, shoulda, woulda" spiral that will do nothing but make you suffer more, this can help with those.

Journal

I bought this journal for Mom when I found out she would wait until we all left to cry about her diagnosis.  Unfortunately, I seemed to be a day late and dollar short in the ways both her condition and mistakes made would take her from us and she never got to use it.  I got it for her to write down her fears and help her with the anxiety she formed after getting pelted with bad news on the daily.  I never imagined I would use it to write to her to help work through my grief of losing her.  Write down all of those beautiful, ugly, hopeful, terrifying things that come to your mind at 3pm or 3am.  You can read it later, never read it again or burn it when you feel you're ready to let it go.  

Second set of eyes

Believe me when I tell you that you should not fill out or sign any documents without a second set of eyes like your spouse, parent or adult child looking at them with you.  I had quite a few documents I just stared at that nothing computed as far as how to fill them out.  Even when talking to people either with the SSA, bankers, etc there is no shame is saying "HUH!?!  I've never done this before, I feel so lost and my brain just is not working right!"  I had the most kind, compassionate, patient people who walked me through processes and let me cry or even cried with me.  The Mr 'pre' filled out some documents for me on copies so that I would have a guide when I did fill them out.  I also wouldn't advise driving that first week or two because you would be shocked at how many people said they were in rear end accidents because they spaced out or were crying and hit someone.  I can say it over and over about how bad the brain fog is but you truly will never experience anything like it and I am so sorry when the day finally comes that you will know what I'm talking about.

Auto bill pay/reminders

If you're not already set up on those, do yourself the favor OR get email reminders set up.  I have both set up for myself already but Mom didn't auto pay some bills and that was fine because she needed to look things over before paying certain things.  I do the same especially for streaming because those a-holes will jack the price up and not tell you even though you've agreed to a price.  When I had to add Mom's bills into the mix with her executor, I did reminders to remind them.  I cannot stress to you the amount of brain fog you will have for MONTHS during an illness or after a loss.  It's not even a cute, funny thing...it will scare the shit out of you.  Just do yourself this favor.

Multitask

I can't stress enough the importance of multitasking basic things if you can.  For example, the days you're able to shower, make sure you take your toothbrush in with you and brush your teeth while you let your shampoo do it's thing.  As you near the end of the shower, grab a pre-loaded one of these that you keep in the shower to go over the tub and/or shower door and do a quick rinse.  While you're sitting on the throne, keep a packet of these wipes in the cupboard and grab one to wipe down the countertop while you're sitting there and then wipe down the back of the commode with what remains.  Or if you just did that, put down a Clorox wipe or something on the floor and use your foot to get a basic wipe down of the floor if that's all you've got in you.  Cleaning is the last damn thing you're going to want to do and if you can get your bathroom or kitchen out of petri dish status while doing as little as possible, go for it.

Take advantage of small bursts of energy

Grief takes a lot out of you.  Several people told me before Mom passed "you will never be the same" and that terrified me.  They were right.  But you're not only not the same because of the loss because with that loss, the emotions drain you on such an ungodly level every damn day that you feel you are the one going through the disease/treatment.  Even after the battle has been won or lost with your loved one, it will take you so long to get back to your most basic of baseline energy so when you get a burst, JUMP ON IT!  Whether it lasts for 10 minutes to an hour, do what you can with what you're able to handle.  If that means going through one tote of your loved ones things that has resided in your living room for two weeks- do it.  If that means you tell yourself you're going to wipe down the appliances in the kitchen or work on one section of the counter- do it.  If you are in purge mode and now have fuzzy goblins handing you stuff from the refrigerator, pull the trash can up to it, do a hand sweep and start over.  You may get just that or more done and anything that makes it a little less overwhelming is good.  Turn on your favorite music even if you don't want to.  I highly recommend disco because even if you're of the 'disco sucks' mentality, I dare you to not shake your butt as you clean to it.

Let me say I am so sorry if you needed this list.  Whether going through a disease, depression or a loss, there are times many of us are running on critical battery levels and literally survival is all we can eek out.  It's a lot to go through, it's a lot to feel like you're never going to feel any semblance of normalcy ever again in your life and I get it.  I hope you have people around you who will help you and I know we all suck at asking for help.  YOU ARE NOT WEAK IF YOU ASK FOR HELP!!!  (I'm saying that as much for myself as for you.)  I will lament that the Mr doesn't do something on his own but I know if I told him what to do or asked for help, he'd at least get it "man clean" on what I asked and that's better than shambles, right?  If you don't have anyone you can turn to and you're relying on yourself to get those things done, I hope this list was at least somewhat helpful to you so you can maybe have a place to start.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you...hell, I'm doing the same for myself!  

We'll get through this...somehow.

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If you or someone you know is going through a grief process, you may find these resources given to me by a friend helpful:

Crisis Text Line or text 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (or call 988)

Speak Grief

Heal Grief

Books I'm currently reading:

It's OK That You're Not OK (Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn't Understand)

How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed

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