How to Do an Interment Ceremony

The following is a post on what has become a series.  If you have been through an illness or death of a parent/loved one, consider this what the young'uns call a 'trigger warning' as it deals with the raw emotions of an unexpected death which may include cursing, dark humor and not holding back my feelings about my experience.  If that's offensive, go elsewhere as this post isn't likely going to benefit you.  If you are new here and want to see the posts leading up to this one, you can start with posts on July 7th and go forward.

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That was the search term I used after Mom's memorial/visitation which was four days after she passed.   I thought that funeral home deal was all you did and then the cemetery took care of doing a burial ceremony asking what readings you wanted and all that jazz.  HA!!  Nope.  Sorry, you get to plan a second funeral and unless you have a truly amazing cemetery who will give you guidance, it's just you and Google...and maybe this post now.  I'm going to warn you, this feels so discombobulated to me so I apologize for that but that's what the process felt like too.

Mom's was our families first cremation so I had no idea that I had to basically plan a second funeral!  I mean that was fine, it was just one more way to honor her but when the cemetery told us that we basically just had the chapel room available to us and they'll put her in the ground, welp, if we wanted any pomp and circumstance, that was going to be up to me.  The guy talked like "if you want music or readings that someone in the family does, then you'll do all of that" and I just looked around like "uh...where's the adult in the room?"  Oh yeah...I'M the adult.  Just so you know, because of the fact it's a cremation, you can do it whenever you want.  You don't have to do it as soon as you get the ashes back.  I had her for 10 days before we buried them.  I did ask the funeral home to retain and separate 1/4 of the ashes for me to have at home in my own urn which I think she would love in her favorite color.  I also wanted enough for those who potentially wanted cremation jewelry without dipping too much into 'my stash' of her.  I know that sounds crass but that's how it is.  So consider those things.  Trigger warning!  Also prepare yourself for the first time you need to disperse them to others either for jewelry or small keepsake purposes.  While it initially looked like the Aztec clay I'm used to using for my face, when I put some ashes into a necklace, there were uh...pieces.  There will be small chips of bone leftover and you may need to have someone who can handle that part of it help you.  I didn't realize that and I ended up being okay but it was a bit of a shock because I thought they pulverized upon collection and they don't.  As long as you're prepared for that bit, especially if it's your first cremation in your family, it will help you get through it.  I used dark humor to get through that part.  I won't even tell you what I said.

Anyhoo, back to the service.

I did what most clueless people do and typed in something like "what do you do at an interment ceremony?" and got lots of different general ideas but nothing super concrete other than basics.  "People can speak, a pastor can say something if you're religious, annnnd there's your ceremony!"  Fine.  I'll plan it myself.  I knew I wanted music involved so I came up with playlists.  We had three and named them as such so they wouldn't replay at the wrong time.  

Here's a basic outline of how I chose to do the service for her:

Pre-Service

Playlist 1- Instrumental "mingle" music on Spotify (make sure you're paying for it or doing a trial- you don't want ads playing!)   I chose instrumental versions of The Rose by Bette Midler, Hallelujah piano version, and piano version of Smile by Nat King Cole and we just looped that until the start of the service.

Start of Service

(Playlist 2)- Never Alone by Lady Antebellum to start the service which had everyone in tears.

The Mr's eulogy (which didn't leave a dry eye in the room)

Offer to share memories (one person did)

My speech

(Playlist 3)- Songbird by Fleetwood Mac followed by several instrumentals of songs like Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion (which had special meaning to us), Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler and Que Sera Sera instrumental (special meaning) so that people could pay their respects and get in their cars to drive to the gravesite.

Graveside:

Passed out rose petals to sprinkle on urn after placed in the ground but before burial.

Reading (poem- Death is Nothing at All) 

Sprinkling of petals

(We meant to do the Lord's Prayer here but forgot so the Mr and I did it alone when everyone left)

Burial

This is just how I did it but it's truly up to you.  Here are some of the thoughts behind how I came up with everything.

Because we are, us, the day of Mom's service didn't go off without a hitch.  I made sure we went to the gravesite before going to set up and thankfully we did.  When we pulled back the carpet they set up, the hole dug was FULL of water.  It had rained overnight for two nights and there was no way I was putting her in a small lake.  The front office was called to syphon it out so keep that in mind if there's been weather recently.  It was going to be hotter than hell that day and because we'd already been in the chapel, we knew it was quite stuffy so I ordered hand fans for people.  Thank God I did because the morning of the service both the AC AND the water line to the chapel broke meaning no bathrooms either.  We did a quick pick up of bottled water to chuck into a cooler so people didn't pass out.  

At the front of the chapel, I had a memory book but was really bummed that people didn't seem to write in that or on the online tribute wall as much as I used to see about 10 years ago.  There were TONS of people at Mom's service so just be prepared for that if you're looking for memories others share to comfort you.  You may not get them.  All I did was get a lined journal Mom would've liked with a note beside it saying to share any memories to bring the family comfort.  I think it's nice to give people the option even if they don't take it.  I also had her favorite tea in a container for people to take as a memento that it was her favorite and a copy of grandma's Butter Ball recipe that she loved.  I had a little box of favors over memory cards because everyone got one at her service.  They were little wooden 'pocket hugs' and the back said 'I am always with you'.  Mom was a hugger and I think she would've liked those.

I was told I'd have access to two easels so I got two 16x20 frames.  One for a single picture (I did a poster of her from Walgreens.  They ALWAYS have sales so look up Walgreens photo coupon code first) and the other had eight 4x6 spots to include family members and friends.  She was a crafter/card maker so I brought the cards she'd given the Mr and I over the years for birthdays and holidays and sat them around her urn/flower arrangement.  Oh yeah!  Local florists can do urn arrangements which really make it look lovely and less like "plop...here's your mom" if I'd just sat her in the middle of the table.  (You certainly don't have to though and can find something crafty and cheaper if you like because that baby set me back about $200.  A pre-made wreath from Hobby Lobby type stores would look lovely too.)  You tell them the dimensions of the urn and they make something to fit the width.  (I will tell you to bring several thick books or something because the flowers could hide any plaque you may attach to the urn so we had to put her on Styrofoam blocks and ice packs from the car!)  I had one of her long crocheted doilies she bought and put the arrangement and urn on that.  Everyone commented how beautiful the table was and I was quite pleased with the way it turned out.

I also wanted to make sure we had rose petals to sprinkle on her urn at the grave site and if you ask for those yourself, they will want an arm and a leg for them.  I got a loose bundle of 25 lavender roses for $26 at the florist up the street.  I gently grasped each rose head and wiggled it until it broke free from the stem, shook it out over the sink, separated the petals slightly and placed one head worth of petals in organza bags so they could breathe.  I had 20 bags total (12 expected at the service and extra for any surprise people) and I put a paper towel in a large ziploc bag and put the petal bags in there and kept them in the fridge overnight.  On the way to the cemetery in BLAZING heat, I had them in a collapsible cooler on tea towel covered ice sheets so they would stay cool and I'll tell you, the extras we had lasted two weeks after the service in the fridge.  So this is a lovely way to still have a beautiful touch for the ceremony and save money.

Because she was cremated, the urn at the bottom was left unsealed so we could have messages/ mementos put in with her.  I had pens at the sign in podium with a note to write something if they would like it to be buried with her.  

(Just don't forget to take the messages out to be put with them before interment.)

I had a plastic baggie with a picture of the two of us with my message written on the back, the messages those in attendance wrote and her Mom's butter ball cookie recipe which I made for her every Christmas because no one else in the family liked them.  Before the service, in a Sharpie on the screw lid of the urn, inside I wrote her name, years of birth/death and what her hobbies were and the people special to her.  If something ever happened where God forbid it was unearthed one day, I wanted people to know who she was.  Also for identification's sake, I had an urn plaque done and secured to the front and let the weight of the urn sit on it for days to really bond it to the marble.  (The cemetery laughably tried to put a strip of paper on top of it for identification...and then put it in the wet ground.  SMH)

Mom wasn't particularly religious that I knew of or at least if she was, she was private about it.  We went to church before my parents divorced but I think that was because of my Dad's side so we didn't need a clergy (and honestly, the clergy at Grandma's ruined her service so no thank you.)  I already did the long eulogy at her service with a lot more people there.  This was going to be her closest family and friends (that could make it because they only do those M-F here) so I felt more comfortable preparing something that didn't require being more upbeat.  I chose to speak about how hard it's been 3 weeks after she passed, how it doesn't seem real, the signs she has given and not to let anyone tell them how to grieve and how long it "should" take.  I was surprised and delighted when my Mr said he wanted to speak and did a eulogy of his own.  Because it was going to be a shorter service,  I gave people the option of sharing stories/memories of their own but only one person took me up on it.  You can add a bit more to the service by choosing readings, so I would say choose ones that are meaningful to the person who has passed (or if you know of a particular story they loved and some way to incorporate that).  

I would say the most important thing is to choose things your LOVED ONE would want, not you.  It was only after scouring her social media that I saw some other country bands she liked and was able to find that Never Alone song by Lady Antebellum.  Fleetwood Mac was on heavy rotation as a kid so I chose those songs as well as the instrumentals because they had meaning and not just because they were sad or emotional.  The reading I chose for her ash interment was one I found that while it sounded somewhat stoic, also had a wonderful message to it.  If you read some examples of 'ash interment readings' it would make you want to run the other way.  Choose songs, readings, colors, memorabilia and favors that would reflect who they were and you will honor them and their memory.

I'm sorry you have to go through this if that's how you ended up here and I hope this gave a little bit of direction or gave you some ideas you can incorporate.  If you thankfully don't need this, bookmark it in case you or someone you know may need it and want some direction.  

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If you or someone you know is going through a grief process, you may find these resources given to me by a friend helpful:

Crisis Text Line or text 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (or call 988)

Speak Grief

Heal Grief

Books I'm currently reading:

It's OK That You're Not OK (Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn't Understand)

How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed

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