Monday, July 24, 2023

The Last Batch

Mom's favorite cookie is the same as her mom's...Butter Ball Cookies.  Since she's been moved to hospice care, they've unrestricted her diet.  Friday as we were waiting for her to be moved to the palliative wing, she was drowsy.  The last conversation she was awake for was with her sisters talking about pizza.  When she woke up, she picked up in the conversation about pizza.  We told her they said they were out of pizza in the cafeteria and she just looked like "yeah, not my problem woman!"  😆  We asked where she wanted it from and after a few minutes of struggling, she said her favorite pizza place.  The Mr said "I'll get your pizza, Mom!" and off he went on a 35 minute round trip to get mom's favorite pizza.  It was the most she'd eaten in one meal in weeks.  I cut up the pieces for her as she would grab them and follow with a swish of water.  It made her thirsty which is good because she doesn't drink as much as she should.  The Mr warmed it up for her later and we got some more in her.  She requested a local burger shop for Saturday so we said we'd bring her some.

Saturday morning, I thought I'd bring her likely her last batch of butter ball cookies.  It was something she always said she and her mom enjoyed together.  They're not my favorite but the Mr likes them too so I'd always make a batch for her every year for Christmas since they never got into rotation for her once Grandma got sick.  She was always so happy to get them and sometimes couldn't wait to get home before opening the tin and sneaking one after Christmas Eve dinner.  I thought this could bring her a taste of something she and her mom loved and with that, comfort.  As I pulled out my grandma's recipe and started mixing the butter and sugar, I burst into tears realizing this was the last time I would be making these for her.  Tears streamed down my face and my legs became unsteady almost buckling under the immense pain of the past week.  I screamed "mommmyyyyyyyyyy!" like she was going to somehow come and save me and comfort me from this pain as any good mom does.  But I won't get that anymore.  No more strokes on my forehead or big smile when she sees me or little sayings that are uniquely her.  Now all I can do is feed her her favorite foods, stroke her forehead as she falls asleep when fighting so hard to stay awake so as not to miss soaking in her loved ones to take us with her.  

I'm about to pack them up for the last time hoping to see her face light up if she is able to eat today.  My heart is broken.  My hope is gone.  All we have left is watching this woman who became a single mom at 26 and gave everything to make sure I wanted for nothing slowly leave me.  It has been 3 weeks from normal to terminal.

I am broken.  

I am exhausted.  

I'm not ready.

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  1. Hugs and more hugs. I spent Moms last few weeks asking her questions from the "Mom, tell me your story" book and writing it all out. I recorded her and I having our little joke. I would ask her Mom, do you love me? She would ask what day it was. I would tell her and she would respond "Tuesday? Yes, I love you on Tuesdays" ❤
    My heart goes out to you guys as you navigate this heartbreaking road.

  2. I am glad she was able to eat some of these and I know she is loving them. With everything you are going through it was nice that you found time to make them for her and I know deep down she appreciates it. It was also nice that the nurse noticed it and it prompted her to share her own family story. We all have our stories and we find that many of us, unfortunately, share in some of these bad ones too. For those of you who don't, please take these as a lesson to go and enjoy the time you do have now before you find yourselves in this kind of situation. It can come one day out of nowhere, trust me!

  3. These are such precious moments you're sharing with mom and they will stay with you. You got to smile with her getting excited about her favorite foods and treats and saw she thoroughly enjoyed them. Those things matter, they truly do. There aren't enough comforting words to help someone get through something so gut-wrenching like this. But we say them anyway because we need to hear them, even if they can't fully penetrate through the pain. Sending you all much love and many, many hugs. xoxoxo

  4. Big hugs and much love to you all

  5. Much love to you and yours. As difficult as this is, the time spent with her now will stay with you forever, whether it's getting her favorite foods/drink to massaging her legs/feet with her favorite lotion to fixing her hair to talking with her. I sat with my MIL while palliative and it was very emotionally draining, but not all memories of that time are sad, there were stories told and there was laughter and many, many hugs, hand squeezes and I love yous.

    I printed the recipe and will make them in honor of your Mom and Grandma.


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