Setting the Record Straight

When I first came into the Mr's life at age 17, it was our first real relationship.  Through a series of unfortunate events and betrayals on the part of people the Mr trusted, our relationship was threatened...literally.  Lucky for him I'm stubborn and called him on some crap he was coerced to say in a drunken stupor to make others happy.  Needless to say, that didn't go over well when their plan failed.  Because no one ever bothered to ask our side of the story, many assumptions have been made even some 28 years later.  Don't you love how people will take other's words on something about YOUR life?!  Fast forward 10-ish years later to the Mr's sibling marrying a woman who is no less than a monster.  I don't use that term lightly.  The mental and physical toll she took on various family members throughout her tenure as a member of his family was great and still lingering even 6 years after her official leave.  We have not talked to her in 15 years, immediately cutting ties with that branch of the family tree after some unforgivable things were said and done.  I called her on her crap, told her where to go and where she could shove all of the things we've done for her over the years.  I never felt so free in my life.  Toxic emotional vampire is far too kind a term but they haven't invented anything else as close to the deplorable things this woman has put our family through.

The problem is, in that time from the moment I gave her the peace sign/middle finger, she has continued to mind f**k anyone she can including my mother in law.  There were times in the beginning that she and I would vent to each other about the in-laws if they were being irritating like anyone does.  I never said anything to her that I wouldn't say to either of them if asked.  I told her this when she tried to essentially blackmail me by threatening to tell them things I said about them.  I told her I would gladly print out every communication we ever had between each other because I had them all and unlike some of the things she said, I had ZERO issues saying these things to them if pressed.  She immediately backed down and never mentioned it again.  This marked the time when she would begin chiseling away at the fracture that was already between my mother in law and I from when I was 17.  Since his family doesn't like emotions they are experts at sweeping anything under a rug, jumping up and down on it and living with the lumps.  Yeah...not how I operate.  Once I was diagnosed with my stress disorder in the late '90s and told to cut out all forms of unnecessary stress, that unfortunately included some of his extended family events.  We would basically be ignored and it brought up a lot of old trauma for both of us and we figured if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, then don't.  The sister in law used that as a way to drill into my mother in law's head that I hated her.  She literally said those words.  "Anele hates you, that's why she doesn't come around."  Because they don't talk about feelings, she knew that my MIL wouldn't ask me.  She did this for years and even though she's technically out of the family, she's not.  She is FAR more involved than an ex has ever been and has zero reasons to not still raise a ruckus because as Dr. Phil would say "you teach people how to treat you."

When the Mr would come home from lunches with his mom a few times a year, he always mentioned how she'd bring up that I hate her.  Finally, the last time he mentioned it was last month and I broke down.  I told him not to tell me that anymore.  I'd just sent her a gift for no other reason than I was thinking of her (he didn't even know I'd done it) and it was my idea to take her out for her birthday every year for the past 6 years.  What MORE did I need to do to show her I don't hate her and to kick that monster b*tchwad out of her head!?!?  He'd told her constantly all of the things she said and how it was my idea to do this or that but none of it sunk in.  It made me not even want to try with her anymore because what good would it do if she still only believed the word of a literal psychopath?  I decided I needed to just tell her and if she didn't believe me after that, there was nothing I could do.  I felt like if she died tomorrow, this would be something I wished I'd set the record straight on.  I asked the Mr what he thought and he said it was fine with him.  We took her out earlier this week for her birthday and since I'm sick, I gave myself permission to just not do it if I didn't feel like there was a natural in.  I didn't want to make it weird but I also was not mentally sharp since I'm just over everything going on in daily life right now.

I found my in when she'd just talked about Vampira and said "the one thing that always breaks my heart after your lunches with the Mr is how you tell him you think I hate you.  I have NEVER in my life hated you no matter what that woman ever told you" and we hugged.  I did tell her about the SIL's threat to "out" me to them about things I said in emails and I told her we vented to each other on occasion about stupid stuff that I don't even remember like you do about inlaws.  I told her I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to her face if asked and could she say the same because I had email proof of some whoppers and that was when she started working on getting into her head.  She said she knew I didn't really hate her, how nice I am to her and how happy I make the Mr.  I told her I knew we got off to a rough start but I was 17 and I understand regardless of his age that was her kid and she wanted the best for him.  She thanked me and told me she wanted me to know she had nothing to do with the ultimatum given to him early on in the relationship.  I told her I never thought she did.  She said she told the people involved he should work it out with me on his own.  (But wasn't too pushy about it because honestly, it would give her her 'baby' back if I were out of the picture.  Two people had the chance to stop it and didn't but that's neither here nor there now.)  She said she knew I had a boyfriend and I stopped her and said "I didn't though!!!  That's the thing!"  The Mr interrupted.  "The guy is gay...it was a non-issue when it all came down to it but the ONE TIME I confided in a friend, he betrayed me and told everyone what he wanted them to believe to manipulate them!"  She mentioned again about the supposed other guy and I said: "I wasn't even there alone on the night in question, I was with three other girls and it was a group house, not one singular guy but no one ever absorbed that part."  I told her if she ever has any question about what I think, the person to ask is ME, no one else.  She said the same for her.  She mentioned one time she said something and she thought I was offended by what she said and she wished she could've told me she didn't mean it that way.  I don't know what she was talking about but always feel like she can say "I think that might've come off wrong" or whatever so there's no stewing on it from either of us.  We went into some stuff with the person involved in the betrayal and details the Mr didn't even know came out about his supposed best friend back then that ticked him off.  This jerk went around his old hometown telling a completely different story to every family member who would listen that still lived up there.  To all of them who never got to know me, I'm the problem and the ex-friend is the victim who of course, left out several major details that would've painted him for the lowlife scum sucker he is.

It doesn't matter to me what extended family thinks of me, they've never treated the Mr well and I've had zero problems pushing back to those who disrespect him in front of me.  The ones who did accept me for who I was from the beginning have passed away so the only person I care about is his mom.  I used to get so sad thinking of all I potentially lost going into that relationship because a few people were afraid to lose the easiest person to manipulate to do what they wanted.  (Don't worry, the Mr totally agrees that's how he was then.)  Everyone I knew before them always loved me and that situation was the first one I ever went into where they didn't so it was quite a blow to my mental health.  A lot of my anxiety and rejection issues amped up to an 11 after all of that and the Mr knows that.  I was pretty self-confident before then but then felt like I spent 15 years kicking and screaming to be accepted by them until one day I just stopped.  I set my boundaries, gave up on having the perfect inlaw situation and focused on the people who mattered most to me, which were his parents.  Now that it's just his mom, she is really the only one we see in person.  Others have scattered and moved and they don't get together like they used to.  I do wish that things were different for the Mr and the one brother that was involved in the initial betrayal.  I don't necessarily blame him all these years later for looking out for his brother but his motives were selfish and his methods deplorable; still, I have forgiven him in my heart for it.  Unfortunately, his family is still very emotionally hands-off.  No one wants to admit their part in anything and answers to emails tend to be short, often times a sentence before months go by.  I know from experience with people in my own family that you can't force a relationship with people who don't want it and you have to be okay with that.  You can mourn it but you can't let it consume you, which is what it did to us for many years, decades even.

In the end, I do want a relationship with his mom with boundaries intact that honor us both.  I can only hope that telling her I love her and that every time she hears that voice telling her I hate her, the SIL wins.  At this point, I've done all I can do and if the ex-SIL creeps in there, that's something she needs to work out, not me.  I can only continue to hug her and joke with her when I see her and listen to her stories and comment with an honest heart instead of what I think she wants me to say.  It shouldn't have taken 28 years to set the record straight but it did.  There's that saying "the truth shall set you free" and that applies here.  I hope she heard the truth and the nearly three decades of what she thought happened can begin to fade.  I feel free in knowing there is nothing left unsaid on my part to her.  So many times we're afraid of how people will react or that we'll make them uncomfortable but I'd rather have several uncomfortable minutes than a lifetime of regret.   I felt like it could be the best birthday present I could give her...and that top we bought her.

Do you have anyone you need to set the record straight with?  What's holding you back?

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