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Monday, July 18, 2011

Up and down and all around

It amazes me how I can go from utter bliss one week when seeing my new drivers license pic to going to utter tears and cries of vanity laden sadness because in a candid shot not only can I see a jawline (positive!) but jowls trying to peek out and say hi.  My friend said it was a line but not jowls.  All I know is right now it's unflattering if in the right (or I guess wrong) light.  (It's not always there)  This could mean one of two things:  1) I'm in the midst of still having 140 lbs to lose until being at a healthy BMI and my face is in transition or 2) I'm going to look like a Shar Pei and a Bulldog had a fling.  I'm not interested in going under the knife for that issue and I'm taking care of my skin (I love you Olay) but man I can't wait for these shrinking chipmunk cheeks to go away and hopefully not look like Droopy dog at my goal weight.

It's all part of this loverly transition phase.  One minute I see the progress, the next I only see how far I have to go.  I think, "wow, you've lost 183 lbs!" and then "wow, you've got 130-140 to go!"  This situation was probably exacerbated by signing up for a clothing deal website and seeing I am nowhere near fitting into the few pity 16's they throw at the slightly above average population.  Fashion is for sadists apparently.  Hmm, I wonder if they make full body head to toe Spanx.  Would it look wrong if I just showed up to a family reunion looking like this?

In addition to that, we were invited to an impromptu family dinner at one of the highest sodium steakhouses down undah.  I was able to work the dinner in coming in perfectly on all nutritional fronts but still had tinges of guilt over it. WTF!?  I feel like "NO, you should be a machine!  You should eat at home since it's not a high cal day and miss out because you could start a pattern!"  I know I'm not starting a pattern!  IT'S ONE DINNER OUT!  No, it wasn't planned but good Lord, it's called being flexible and smart!  We're not going back to eating like crap both days of the weekend because we know that gets us nowhere and we haven't done that in like 2 years or something and that's not what was happening.  We exercised before we went (a real butt kicker too!) so it's not like there was some rule we broke. "Listen to the facts ate within your calorie, sodium, fiber and protein range and got in MORE water than you normally would on a Sunday!!  You ordered your steak with NO seasoning (salt) and they delivered.  You SPLIT your meal with your hubby and got a PLAIN sweet potato.  You ate NO bread (310 cals per slice!), no deep battered onion that was sitting in front of your face or cheesey fries being passed under your nose...this is to be celebrated, not be made to feel guilty.  Just because everyone else ate crap doesn't mean you need to and you didn't.  You also didn't feel the need to stuff your face full of crap and then talk about how you needed exercise when you got home.  You already did it and you ate as perfectly as a person being paid to do so there.  Ease off of yourself!"  (Self talk done!  LOL)

There are just stupid days where you feel like you have no control over anything and nothing necessarily even happened to throw you into that mode.  I know we're still working our calorie range and mixing up our exercise.  I know we're doing all we can...we are most certainly walking the walk but dang if your brain just doesn't screw things up for you sometimes hence the reason I tell people this is 90% mental! 

Do you ever have days where you can be doing everything right and still feel vulnerable to the journey ahead of you for no logical reason?

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  1. I hear just what you're saying. I went through my own crying jag last night as well. My hubs had told me to take a look outside before getting ready for bed. I walked over to the window and could see a gorgeous orange moon in the sky. I plopped down on the bed to stare a little longer and could see my reflection in the window. I just wilted. I feel like I look exactly the same as I have for too many years. The huge tire around the middle. The gigantic boobs that haven't lost an inch. The huge hip spread. I just went into the bathroom and cried. I'll be turning 40 at the end of the month and this is so not where I wanted to be in life. Even though I know I'm doing what I should be doing (and fighting my stupid female parts), yesterday was a day that just felt like I'm never going to see anything different in the mirror. It was not a good way to go to sleep that's for sure. So I do understand where you're coming from. You have the "battle" in your head, arguing logic and facts versus emotion. The mental thing is a real p.i.t.a sometimes!!

  2. Yep, I can do everything "right" and feel like I have NO control over any of this. It doesn't matter that I stayed in calories, worked my tail off and denied myself ice cream cake, It just feels like my body is going to do whatever it wants to do regardless. I have 177 to lose total to be "healthy" and I've lost 90. However, All I see is the 80+ I have to go. WHY?!? We should be SO elated at what we've accomplished, not "worried" about how far we have to go. We have the tools, why aren't they working? Mentally, is so much harder than physically, but we need to get past it, or we're never going to finish this! Stay strong, our minds will catch up eventually!

  3. Emotional whiplash.

    I've been dealing with it for the past few weeks, too. It is so irritating and dumb and. . .grrr!

    But you know what I've noticed (with myself and in reading your post), not once have we said "I give up". That's just not an option.

    (and the weekend thing--falling into old/bad habits on weekends--is such a huge deal for me right now, so nice to know I'm not alone on that one).

  4. I've just been reading your blog for the first time and I just wanted to say I think you and your husband are awesome for what you've done and I wish you the very best of luck with the last stretch of weight loss. And also with maintaining a healthy lifestyle that makes you feel great. Food can be such a complicated thing and I think there are also man cultural and environmental factors that can make maintaining a healthy weight very difficult. Good luck and thanks again for sharing your story!

  5. dalbador1- I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. It stinks when you're around the halfway-ish mark or lost a good amount with so much to go. Hang in there girl, I'm hanging on the same branch!

    Hmpetras- You're so right. Mentally it is so much harder. I swear it's like a roller coaster, so full of ups and downs. It's so easy for people to say it'll even out and you have to smile and try not to whack them with a frying pan. LOL

    HeyButt- I want to say I feel like I'm in good company but I hate it that people can relate. How nice it would be to just coast emotionally for awhile for me and my friends going through the same!

    Madeleine- Thanks so much for stopping by and the encouragement! Hope you're off to the start of a great week!

  6. Sure sorry about the sucky moment there. I have been having a few myself and my dh says I am not doing myself any favors by being so negative..but when I see photos of me lately I think 'gosh I look OLD' I have my own little set of jowels and my extra little chin does not seem to be going anywhere. Sucks, that's for sure. I know you'll keep pushing forward even if you have to take a baseball bat to some of those obstacles!

  7. I completely relate. I see what I think is a decent number on the scale, compared to my starting weight anyway, and feel pretty good about myself. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or other reflective surface and see that I still have a fat looking back, a big gut and still look like a big fat guy and I just feel like the same old fat guy I used to be. Usually a good workout helps with this but it is still tough to deal with at times.

  8. Yup. I understand what you are saying. We all have days like that. BUT..let me just remind you... 6 months or so ago you wrote on a blog of mine that I shouldn't say anything to myself that I wouldn't say to someone else. It's great advice. I think you need to rethink the droopy dog comments and replace them with positive ones about yourself :) Hang in there girlie! You are doing awesome!


    Adrianne (Jinxmebaby)

  9. Thanks everyone. It can be so hard to be caught between seeing the progress and the road ahead. We'll all get there but dang if it's not going to be an arduous process talking ourselves down from the little episodes like this from time to time!

    Thanks for the reminder Jinx! I honestly wasn't calling myself that, I just don't want to look like that when I'm done! Only time will tell! :\

  10. The answer to your question: Hell to the yeah!!! LOL I think that's just part of the journey too...reconciling ourselves with what we have done and still have to do. :-)


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