Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Gettin' it out of neutral
When we were in Chicago and went for our final stroll around the city, we passed some designer shop with perfect clothes in the window. It's a place that I think barely carries a size large. I remembered passing this store the first time we went to Chicago back in 1994. I remembered the wonder because I was a po' teenager who never in my wildest dreams thought I could ever afford something from a store like that. Then I looked down, saw my protruding gut and thought "one day, I will wear something from this store." I didn't necessarily have to buy it but at least go in, try something on, finally feel like I was a "normal" member of society and maybe take a pic of myself in the mirror to prove it and then put the $500 dress back on the rack. I just knew this whole being fat thing was just a passing thing even though I'd already lost weight once and had gained it back. We were going to get back on track, right?
*Cue me gaining 100 lbs*
*Cue me losing 85 lbs*
*Cue my gall bladder dying on me, 6 months of testing, incompetent doctors, physically unable to exercise and regaining 85 lbs*
*Cue gaining another 124 pounds on top of the original 100 lb gain*
Yeah...totally a passing thing.
Nothing like wasting most of your 20's and 30's being stuck in a body you don't recognize or want.
Then came that final stroll around Chicago, passing that store and thinking "you are literally no closer to wearing anything from that store than you were 20 years ago. Way to go." I almost wept in the street. It has nothing to do with the brand. It has nothing to do with being able to afford it, I could if I wanted it but it has everything to do with breaking that promise to my younger self because as I looked at the outfits I thought "and now you're too old to pull that off."
I'm sure I'm not but that's how it felt.
I have been 40 for six months and I'm not going to lie, it has sucked. I've been sick for 3 of those months. I have started speaking in old person tongues and it's seriously a matter of time before I start referring to the things as "the Facebook" and "the SnapChat." I'm feeling way older than I should be and I feel like my weight is now the main factor in feeling that way. I cannot squander another decade, wake up 50 years old and STILL be dealing with this crap. We still have to create a plan that is doable for us, nothing trendy where food groups are cut out. We're still implementing but it's very frustrating to say "I've lost 200 lbs" and have someone look like they want to say "so you're still working at it, right?"
If you'd have told me four years ago we still would be struggling to get this under control, I probably would've thought about giving up. I'm glad I didn't and I'm glad to have basically maintained but it's not enough anymore.
So that's been my train of thought to finally get it out of neutral. I know if there are people who have never struggled with weight loss issues that just don't have it in them to go through watching someone who has try to "just do it already", I get it. It can be hard to empathize with a journey you've never had to take. But for those of you willing to hang in, please know despite having already lost 200 lbs, I am still not a pro at this. Those 200 pounds should've never been there in the first place. Where I am...this place...this is where I spent a good part of my life and where my body likes to settle. I'm in for a whole new fight. I can want success but fail many times to attempt to achieve it.
I know my weight loss story has no end. I don't get to a magic weight and then I'm "done." I will never be done. None of us who have struggled with our weight will ever be done because once you get there comes maintenance which I seem to have mastered but at the wrong weight. I've got things to do and at my age, I just don't feel like I have all the time in the world to do them anymore. I hope I don't disappoint you all too much but most of all, I hope I can finally stop disappointing myself.
What's one of your weight loss related regrets?
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