Wednesday, September 6, 2023

My "First" Birthday Weekend Recap

Hello all!  I hope if you were able to have a long holiday weekend that it was a good one.  As you can imagine, this was literally the worst birthday of my life.  I got thrust into my "first firsts" without Mom rather quickly.  It's not like we spent my birthday together anyway but I still found myself checking USPS informed delivery for a homemade card that would never come.  We agreed about 10 years ago to send money for each other's birthdays so that we could stack it with money we might get from others to put towards bigger stuff.  Much of her, my MIL and paternal grandma's birthday money had been squirreled away and bought me the fireplace in the bedroom last year.  Now I struggle to remember if I told her that or not.  

The Mr had ordered me a beautiful cake in her favorite color at my request.  I immediately cried when he opened it because I know she would've loved it.

We had a piece and were quickly reminded why we said in the past we weren't getting this particular grocery store's cake again.  No way in hell was I eating more of that so back it went for a refund.  So we call that the "stunt cake" just like the gorgeous one we got for our 25th anniversary that tasted like ass and we ended up with a Shaw's cake as god intended.  We ended up getting a make up cake later from a different grocery store and it was really good so there's that.

I spent my birthday at her place for a few hours.  We're toward the end of the lease and I'll be damned if I'm giving those people any reason to not give her deposit back.  I would do it if she were alive and didn't know if her sibling would think to do it.  The Mr was kind enough to take down the TV from the wall which left some pretty significant bracket holes.  He also got on his hands and knees and cleaned all of the baseboards.  I brought spackle and filled every hole in the wall, most of them better than the landlord did before they slapped paint over it for her.  Then I kicked myself for not more closely inspecting her walls, sanding them and putting touch up paint on it so it would've been nicer for her.  We didn't help her move because we were going to Vermont that year and she sprung the moving date on us and we had plans on moving day that I remember getting a bit of shit for not cancelling.  It's not that we didn't help later with putting up curtains, putting down an area rug and pad and hanging a few pictures but obviously those less than pleasant memories are also front and center when you had an opportunity to do better and didn't.

I was happy to get those mondo holes spackled flat, put a small time capsule about her in one of the molly screw holes on a post it and have a little time to say what may have been my final goodbye.  I don't have many memories attached to that place which makes it a little less traumatic but still.  Then we went to the cemetery to see her.  It was the first time I saw the temporary headstone I got her without my brain in "task mode" and my knees buckled as I started bawling.  I looked skyward and yelled "f**k you!!!!!" and then screamed at the top of my lungs letting out two months of extreme torture to carry into the universe.  I sobbed for 10 minutes and somewhere between "f**k you" and uncontrollable sobbing, a poor lady just wanting to change out flowers two rows away showed up.  

Sorry lady, didn't mean to traumatize you. 🙄

We went home because it was too effing hot to actually do anything.  I was quite lucky to be spoiled as usual by the Mr and my two besties with presents.  I stretched them out over the rest of the day.  Tell me how adorable these two different sets of Peanuts mugs from Pottery Barn are for Fall.

You know darn well those are getting used year round just like another set of Fall mugs I have.  He got me an old school Tshirt I found online from a defunct record store of my youth, some white musk body spray also from our dating years and dammit I'm brain farting on the other thing.  We had taped the Hawaii football game the night before so it was time for make up cake and slow churned ice cream to watch with it.

Around halftime, I opened my gifts from my bestie and as usual that woman spoiled the hell out of me.  The Mr always laughs and says she makes him look bad but I give him a budget.  I got a floor mat that has been out of stock forever and was expensive enough to qualify for the whole shebang but then she got me the rest of my Cougar Town DVDs I asked for since I notice they're pulling it from different avenues and that is the only show that consistently makes me laugh out loud.  She got me some other stuff too and it was nice to have a happy break in between just feeling like crap.  Later on, my friend since middle school called and we talked as she had me open my gifts from her while talking.  Lots of fun self care stuff from my list that you want to try on someone else's dime.  Her sister in law was also kind enough to get me a little something too.  I know Mom would've loved it because it was purple.  So it was a bittersweet birthday sprinkled with laughter, tears, primal screams, feeling loved by those left and also wondering when I'll wake up so I can call Mom and tell her about the worst nightmare I have ever had in my life.  (Trust me, there are a lot of those too.  I'm lucky to get four hours sleep with jolts of adrenaline waking me up every night.). 

Sunday I had a small burst of faux energy and wanted to get some of the wall decor that's been down since March back up.  There is still just enough echo to be annoying and I look forward to decorating in Fall themes all year and I know that I will regret it if I don't get a little something up.  So we got the stuff behind the Mr's chair back up which is grounding to see.  I wanted to get other pics and a shelf back up but because of our failed soundproofing project, we now need special long anchors that didn't arrive for two days.  I was super bummed about that because I know in regular life I have to jump on any semblance of motivation but especially now.  I was able to get some of Mom's stuff organized and Monday the Mr went to get bins to put under the stairs to put her stuff in.  She used to sell Thirty One totes and holy shit you guys should've seen her place.  There were no less than 60 totes and bags of varying sizes throughout her home.  Totes filled with totes everywhere and now she's laughing her ass off as she saw me put away 5 empty ones in a bin.  We put a spare piece of plywood over top of the bins to distribute the weight of the suitcases we needed to stick on top because you know how cheap everything is now.  So the living room is slowly becoming less overwhelming to be in.  It still has a long way to go but now that I have a lot of digital stuff taken care of, I may be able to focus on the stuff around me more and get things put away. 

It was not a great weekend.   It was not without wonderful people in my life trying to make it as good as it could be under the circumstances but unless we were going to resurrect some ashes into my mother, nothing could've made me happy.  I know we're going into the worst part of the year to be going through fresh firsts and I will have to find some way to honor her and my grief without shitting the bed in regards to the life the Mr and I share.  I know he's going through it too but I also don't want him to think I don't value our life together.  Right now, everything just feels very 'what's the point?' and I couldn't ask for anyone to be more understanding than he's been.  

Did you at least have a good holiday weekend?

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  1. It really is before and after and this was the first of many more to come. Mom asked me to take care of you and I intend to do that, but thanks for the kind words!

  2. Happy Belated Birthday!
    I know it sucks balls.
    I was in Cali visiting my youngest and was filled with regret that I never took Mom there. I spent my bday in bed questioning the guy in the sky as to why I woke up.
    I'm really trying to stay in the moment which I suck at.
    I'm praying your next trip around the sun is filled with happy firsts.


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