Monday, September 11, 2023

Different is Good, Right? Weekend Recap

At least that's what I kept repeating to myself this weekend like some kind of mantra so that I could fake it til I made it.  My birthday used to kick off my favorite time of year.  Mom always said she loved Fall but the second the calendar flipped, she started posting summer memes, much to my chagrin, as winter is basically Fall 2.0 for me and my happy time of year when there's at least a spittle of flakes.  So I tell myself to go out and enjoy the things she would love about our one shared favorite time of year.  Easier said than done.  I'm lucky... no one has given me the "she'd want you to _______" pep talk to get me out of the house probably because they know I'd dig in my heels out of spite and not come out for 7 months.  So I forced myself to get out of the house this weekend for the Mr.  I know it isn't easy for him not only to see me like this but for him to go through this too.  She was truly his Mom from age 19 on and I encourage him to bring up when he gets a gut kick remembering she's not here anymore, regardless if I'm having what appears to be a good day on the outside.  So I wanted us to do something relatively low pressure and I found a new to me vintage store not too far from our destination so I used that as motivation to nudge myself out of the house.

Since sadly the location of the Mr's favorite childhood bakery closest to him closed, we thought we'd try a further location for his favorite donuts and hope for the best, which doesn't always pan out.  They were okay but definitely not like the other location and they don't wrap them up like the old place did when he'd call in an order and they tasted day old by the time we got them at 11am.  We then went on to the vintage place.

It was fine.  I saw the pair of candlesticks I was pretty sure I was going to buy after seeing them online but I just wasn't as impressed in person and nothing really called to me even though they had good prices since they're in East Podunk.

We went to our favorite deep dish place and they usually put a smile on our faces and more weight to work off of our asses.  (That's a whole other post 🙄)  Sadly, they missed the mark somewhat this time.  When you take what used to be your best asset, pillowy breadsticks, and serve knots that taste like they're two days old and make a fat chick spit it out- you've tanked.  It was okay but we both agreed we'll get a different pizza place next time from his youth and see how they fare.

After that, we went to visit the Mr's dad and we had the portable hedge trimmers with us that I got for grave maintenance since NO cemetery seems interested in upkeeping the "perpetual care" they have you pay for.  I cut around my FIL's stone and the Mr dug around the edge with a gloved hand while I moved on to his grandparents.  It looked MUCH better and it's ridiculous we should have to do that.  As we were leaving, we passed a couple about 20 years older than us who looked like they too were pulling long grass.  I rolled down the window and said "are you guys having to pull grass too?"  
"Yes, we couldn't even see it, it's horrible!"  
"I have hedge trimmers in here, can I help you with that?"  
After a moment, "well, sure!"
The Mr got out the trimmers and gave them to me and I went to town while they chatted.  They lost their 51 year old daughter last year and he has to usually take a weed whacker with them to the one in the town she's buried in.  They had no idea this cemetery was also so crappy with their landscaping too.  As I continued, she said "you have no idea how happy this is making me."  That's all I needed to hear and was glad to do it.  It took all of a minute or two.

A few days before, I pulled some geocaching links for some that appeared to be close to the area and I thought it would be good for us to maybe do a few.  I forgot our premium membership lapsed and I don't know that I want to invest the $30 for the year not knowing how I'm going to feel in the coming months.  So I made do with what I could find and we ended up doing 13 total.  A lot of them had grody, soggy logs.

The Mr wanted to head to one of his old favorite parks and walk under the bridge.  We encountered two 10-12 year old boys on bikes on the other side who waited for us to go under.  Of course with pre-teens,  you never know what you're going to get so we were pleasantly surprised when after we thanked them both for waiting for us and they both said you're welcome, one of them said "be safe and have a nice day!"  😆

That's great!  Sounds like a wonderful day out, right?  

I had no less than 3 silent anxiety attacks, one outright cry session when the song When It's Over by Sugar Ray was on and honestly for 75% of the time, I felt like I wanted to peel off my skin and run away.  Every horrible memory of Mom's ordeal flooded me for some reason.  I kept trying to tell myself to enjoy these sights because she couldn't and then thinking of WHY she couldn't sent me in multiple spirals.  I tried my best to hold it together and not ruin the Mr's day.  I hope I was able to pull it off but it makes me fear every time we go out because will I always default to that way of thinking?  Will every trip I would want to tell her about and share now feel pointless as so much of life does now?  (I have had multiple people tell me this is absolutely common.)  I know that isn't fair to our life and the memories left for us to make.  I know it will eventually even out but yeah, for me, twas not a success unless actually getting out of the house counts as success right now.

Sunday, I got several small signs from Mom and was grateful because I cried that I felt like they were getting less and less.  I wasn't interested in plants or flowers of any kind this year and you can imagine what an entire summer of zero landscape attention has done to the front and back of the house.  


Well, my car was getting attacked by a rose bush who didn't bloom this year because I guess you have to water them or something.  😒  So we got out there with the big guns of the new small hedge trimmers, the old rusty clippers for the thicker parts, weed popper and such and got started.  We hacked up the Japanese maple which really did look like it was committing suicide the past year at certain parts and got off all of the dead stuff on it and hope that what's left will fill out better next year.  (Yes, I know this isn't pruning season but ask me if I care.  I'm actually kind of hoping it dies to be honest.  It's a pain in my fat ass.)  The rose bush came out because we planted it at the beginning of the pandemic and I eventually want to plant a memory garden of perennials for Mom on the side.  It was a lot of work but the Mr was wielding a hand saw and cramming two garbage bags full of yard waste into the garage.  It feels good to have that done.  Not that anyone is ever coming to visit, especially now,  but take what you can get.  Of course once we were done out there, it looked like the sun went behind clouds.  Just enough time to give me the only pseudo burn of the year at my elbow bends since I was out there longer than I thought.  We planned on starting our foray back to the track but we were both so famished, it was gourmet burger and fries with little regret.  I felt awful for suggesting it but I was not up for cooking after almost 2 hours baking in the sun doing manual labor.

I came in and started going through a box of Mom's and getting some things to their new homes and throwing away other things.  Then the fatigue hit both of us and after trip #2 to Walgreens who can't seem to ever find their butts with GPS's in the pharmacy drive through, we crashed on the couch for a midday nap with Bob Ross on in the background.  The Mr got a roll of film we found at Mom's developed a few weeks ago.  (Apparently they were never going to tell us it was in so thank God he asked when he had to go back for trip #2 to their nincompoopery.)  

Sadly, whomever they sent it to also cannot find their asses with both hands because they clearly just fed it into a machine and didn't bother to see if the pictures lined up when printed (they didn't) and between that and the fog that was over the film, it was pretty bad.  But we did get this gem to us.

"Play wis me!"

That's our pup up top poking my Mom's dog much to her apparent delight as Mom likely called her name.  Mom would watch our girl and vice versa when we went on vacation so this was likely our return trip to Hawaii in 1999 based off of a couch in the pics.  Sigh...I miss those girls.  We got her pup for her after we got married so she wouldn't be alone because I cried for two weeks straight after our honeymoon that I missed Mom.  She always wanted a "fru fru dog" and we got her on a whim which was pretty friggin' bold but we knew she was perfect for Mom.  They were our pride and joys but I know they're on each side of Mom's hips snuggled in until we get there one day to roll around on the floor with them.

We puttered around the house for a bit and settled in for the night and that was that.  

I'm waiting to hear back if I have an appointment with a derm assistant this morning to take a look at something for me and then I'll see what the day has in store.

How was your weekend?

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  1. I appreciate that you tried to get out with me and have a semi-normal day. It's okay that it didn't work out the way you wanted. I think there were little moments of time that you could smile at the little things, like the googley eyes on one of the caches for example, and that is enough for now. Thanks for trying and being my passenger for the day!

  2. A very busy weekend you had, both physically and emotionally. There is no right or wrong in how you feel or when you feel it. There's no pressure to pretend to be anything that what you are in that moment. No one will think less of you for crying, or for laughing for that matter. I am glad you got out of the house and visited different places, even if your heart wasn't in it. You still did it and that's plenty good enough right there. And you worked your butts off with all the landscaping work! It's exhausting out there isn't it! Love the pics of the dogs! That photo is a keeper to remind you of their silliness.
    Weekend was intense and tiring, but good in many ways too. Got through a Monday at work relatively unscathed so I'm thankful for that. lol


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