I have to yell you guys, it's been a pretty great week. We are working on some of our relationship goals (not the lame hashtag kind on 'the gram') and it's made quite the difference. The Mr and I are usually on separate couches so we can both stretch out if we want but this week, he's been sitting next to me which has been nice. It sounds like an easy thing that shouldn't make a difference but when you're staring at the back of someone's head, connecting doesn't exactly happen.
We've also committed to cleaning 10-15 minutes per night if we haven't done it during the day so we can relax in the evening. It is much nicer coming down to a clean kitchen and little piles getting put away in their places. It's not all cleaned, mind you. but when we get to a place where it is, it will be much easier to keep up with.
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One of the other things we committed to at our marriage retreat was cooking a meal together once a week. Monday is the day we chose to do that to kick off our week right and also because if we're doing a random recipe we haven't tried before, it's likely higher calorie/sodium and not the night before a weigh in. Not only have we cooked one but multiple meals together this week! I was a little excited and got the ingredients for all of the meal delivery recipes they botched not thinking everything wouldn't stretch out into the following week. But the Mr has seemed to enjoy it and is even getting a sense of pride in putting together key pieces. I even treated myself to this garlic press that was at the rental for the retreat. I will buy garlic and then it goes bad because my garlic press made a mushy mess and I didn't feel like mincing most nights. That thing is DEEP and you just plop the garlic and BLAM, instantly minced!
Monday was a sweet chili pork bowl:
Tuesday night was a Spicy Penne Parmesan dish:
It came together much faster and had a nice heat to it that I don't typically add to Italian dishes because he's not usually a big fan of that. But this had a nice flavor and a good reminder to bulk up pasta dishes with onions, zucchini and other veggies. We really practiced eating slower and taking a drink of water after every bite which has gone by the wayside in past years. Then we settled in to watch The King of Staten Island that came out that day for rent.
Wednesday was a Poblano Bean and Cheese Quesadilla with asparagus andshallots.
I've made stuff similar to that in the past but not quite as many ingredients so it was nice to amp it up a little. It was good and filling which was appreciated since we had our rumps handed to us in an upper body strength workout just before.
Tonight we'll be making Lemon Chive Chicken and Rice with a side salad.
Another good thing that came out of just sitting together was on Monday I said it had been a week since our return from retreat, how were things going. He said good and I told him I felt like we fell right back into the same routine when we came back which was a little disheartening. Not that you come back all pumped up and dive right in but the longer you take to make those changes, the less likely you are to get that momentum back. But as we talked, we went over previous routines that have been with us for over a decade or two. One of those was the Mr's need to "unwind" after work. He liked to do that since he was a kid after Catholic school (wouldn't you if you had unchecked nuns?) and then his career has always been high stress. With his new job, he is not required to put out the fires, just notify others of them and he's out of it. He realized that by sticking with the old routine of coming downstairs and "decompressing" by reading email or scrolling crap, which he can do anytime of day now since his job is proactive and not reactive, he was still stuck in old stress relief habits. So even if he didn't have a stressful day, perpetuating that habit of 'needing to unwind' when there's literally nothing to unwind from created a residual stress response in him as if he'd actually had a stressful day and he'd take a nap. Then maybe he wouldn't sleep as well at bedtime or other effects. It was quite a revelation for him and one that he's seeing the benefits from skipping already this week. That wouldn't have happened if we weren't sitting next to each other and checking in.
I won't be so over eager with the ingredients next week since we basically cooked all of the meals we committed to in a month in one week but I look forward to continuing to cook with him and watch his confidence grow. He has always been hands off in that department because he doesn't know how to time things out and it would overwhelm him and he didn't appreciate the meal as much. I mean he knew it was good but since he didn't have a hand in it, there was less true appreciation and pride than he has now that he's helping. Now, he smiles when he puts together a spice mix or cuts veggies just like the pictures and it's nice to see him feel accomplished at something I tend to take for granted. I don't have much patience for people in my small kitchen space but we're finding ways to make it work. It's also nice to not have to juggle everything myself. I'm grateful for the change in routine and hope to keep it up!
Do you and your spouse/significant other cook together? Check in with each other about your relationship?
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I do have to say the idea of cooking together seemed just kind of novel and fun at first. But now I see the true benefit of it. Sharing a common goal in a relationship is an important thing I think and any time you can add that in I feel like it really brings you closer together. I have gained some confidence and learned some things about cooking too. Oh and a major appreciation for all the cooking you have always done in the past. Well I have always appreciated that, but now I have more perspective on it.
ReplyDeleteIt's so nice to see you posting your meals again.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are off to a great start!
ReplyDeleteWe do cook together on the days we actually plan a meal. On holidays I do most of the cooking, but he's right there with a dishtowel drying the dishes as I go, lightening that chore and I've always appreciated that.
ReplyDeleteAs for the relationship, we've come a long way from where we were in our younger years. Back then, we did not know how to communicate and old stuff would be brought up over and over again, to the point where we were rehashing and not resolving anything. What were "old" hurts would feel like new ones all over again. I think our biggest roadblock was that we each believed that we had to convince the other one that our perception of something was the "right" one. If he felt things were okay, he'd argue to get me to agree. If I felt things were not okay, I'd do the same and try to get him to see things "the right way." Ugh. Many years later we've learned that both perspectives can stand in the room at the same time and be valid. Men and women have different emotional viewpoints and we've stopped trying to morph each other into the other one. I was very guilty of bringing up old stuff when I needed reassurance that we were okay. He'd get aggravated because he's say we've talked about this ten times already. My argument would be the behavior hadn't changed. But digging deeper, I also realized that I was punishing him for behaviors that really HAD changed, but *I* had not. I had a lot of expectations that he needed to grow up, but didn't expect that of myself. I had much to learn. Quite a while ago we had one long talk about putting the past behind us and not bringing up old stuff whenever an argument came up. In that conversation we said we get it all out on the table until all the pain and hurt is out there, so we could stop punishing each other. So now when there's disagreements, we keep it in the present and if either of us brings up old crap (that's truly not relevant, but we're each trying to make our position stronger), we have a phrase and say, "we've done this already" and we deal with the issue at hand. He has learned that I have a harder time staying on the present topic and extends some grace there by not flipping out over it. I have learned not to interpret every quiet or reserved mood as being about me and internalizing it. He has said that sometimes he's got something on his mind that he just needs to work through in his own head, and I respect that now because I see that's how he works through things, even if it's different from me. And probably the biggest improvement (because we are FAAAAR from perfect in this area...always growing and learning, even stubbornly), is that when we vent about something neither one of us is looking for advice. We just want to vent and be heard, without a list of 'you should do this'...just listen. That alone has helped de-stress both of us, because we know each of us has been "heard" without being told what to do. I never realized how important that was to him until he shared that with me. And it has worked wonders for me because I understand that his listening is him really participating, whereas before I thought it was ignoring. Now we have just simple check ins, with a squeeze of a hand and a "you doin' okay?" If it requires more, we'll get into it; if it's just a bad mood, or one of us going through some personal growth, we know it's okay to say, "yeah, just working through some stuff" and that's enough. We still fail terribly sometimes, but there has been genuine improvement to be thankful for.
My partner and I cook together and separately. We both enjoy the cooking process. Typically what happens in our home is that the first person home after work is the person that will cook supper. Since the pandemic I've been working from home, so I cook most weekdays and then he picks up the slack on the weekends, but we are flexible about it. I had an appointment last evening, and when I got home he surprised me with making bbq ribs for supper. He didn't always enjoy cooking but it has evolved since we got together. Both his confidence and creativity have increased in the last 10 years.
ReplyDeleteWe have tried to implement weekly check-ins on the status of our relationship, my therapist used to call them state of the union meetings, but we have not been good at maintaining them. We have struggled with communication in the past. Both of us would hold in our feelings until something would happen and the dam would break. It wasn't healthy. Our communication has improved but it is not perfect. We don't discuss our relationship weekly like we had originally planned, but we don't 100% ignore it either.
One of the things that we have tried to do this summer to maintain our connection is to start golfing together. Neither of us are very good, but it is an activity that neither of us have a history with and incorporates both of our loves of being outside and active. We will golf towards the end of the day, only nine holes,take our time, and not keep score. We also go for walks around the community in the evenings and talk about our days, just listening to the other person and not trying to solve their problems.