Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Psyching myself out
Mentally, I'm a friggin' mess. I have had crying fits just thinking about doing this. I know this is something the Mr really wants to do with me and I want to do it for him but I am terrified. The part that terrifies me is actually getting on the board. I've watched the Mr's video of him getting on and he fell a few times but you know, the Virgo in me feels like I shouldn't fall or I should do it perfectly the first time. I am almost paralyzed with fear at the thought of other people watching me attempt to get up or whipping out their phone and ending up a viral video. I know, that is completely insane to let those things get to me and I would tell someone else in my same situation to not deny themselves or their spouse the happiness of doing something like that together.
I remember when the Mr did the stand up paddle in 2010 and I watched him paddle off with the instructor. I went in the truck and cried not just because of how proud I was of him but how disappointed I was with myself. I told myself that the next time I went, I would do it for him. The fact is, I'm not just doing it for him. I WANT to do it but it's easier to shift the blame to take the heat off of yourself. I said I wanted to be 250 when I did it and I'm just over 20 lbs away from that so there's excuse #2. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of it all because the Mr was just over 300 lbs when he did it so the weight limit isn't a valid excuse. When we go I will be 100 lbs less than the last time I was there. Problem is, I sure as hell don't feel 100 lbs lighter than when I was there last. I feel like I am just as big, just as insecure and just as pathetic. THAT is where this all stems from.
Then the Mr mentioned snorkeling...one of his favorite things. A new terror took over me at the thought of going onto a beach in my bathing suit. I know...what do I give a shit? I mean really, I don't usually care what people think that I know but I'm going to not do something because a stranger might say something, record it, make some kind of noise at me even though there are people bigger than I am who would be on the beach. I've cried the whole time I've written this post because I know that even though the Mr says it wouldn't matter to him if I didn't do it, I know it would no matter how many times he says it wouldn't. I've seen his excitement and he's talked about nothing else when we refer to this trip. I think of how because of my big, stupid ass last year's anniversary surprise fell through and I'm afraid I'll be writing the same kind of thing at the end of this trip because I'm really not much thinner than I was last year...18 lbs to be exact so yeah, that's not going to make a difference. (No, my measurements are not different either. I've lost 2" in my gut in 18 months!) I'm crying because I get these wonderful emails from people telling me what an inspiration I am and this behavior and the idea of letting you all down is far from inspiring.
So I get to sit here for the next few months in panic mode releasing stress hormones into my system which makes getting more weight off by the trip virtually impossible. There is no amount of pep talking, reasoning, logic or whatever that gets through to me on this. I will probably just force myself to do it and people can film me puking all over the instructor. Then by the time I come back I can be a web star with my own auto-tuned video of me yakking and re-yakking on him. I'm tired of ruining everything new and different that the Mr and I can finally do because I'm mentally an idiot who feels like she can't just gonad up. I need to find a way to stop this anticipatory stress because it's not helping to have my heart beating out of my chest or getting dizzy or whatever. Ugh...I suck.
Have you been in a similar situation? If so, what activity/event was paralyzing you with fear or doubt?
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