You know how they have those "love languages?" They are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Those don't just apply to romantic relationships but all relationships really. Mine is definitely words of affirmation/appreciation. I have always been a thoughtful person and I love to do little things to make people happy. On the flip side of that, if I do things for people and don't get so much as a thank you for it then you can bet they fall lower on (or off of if ignored repeatedly) my list of people to randomly do nice things for.
Why am I bringing this up? I guess it's been swirling in my head lately so why not throw it out there about how few people I know seem to think the way I do. I tell myself maybe it's an age thing but I know people older than me that are just as bad about thanking someone for giving of their time, money, support, etc. An example that comes to mind is a family member who had their first bout of Covid early on due to working in a very high risk job. He was in his mid 30's, lived alone and we've always enjoyed hanging out and causing chaos at events. When I heard he had it and would need to isolate, I sent him a few coloring books and crayons of stuff he liked when he was a kid straight from Amazon so he'd get them quicker with a note on the receipt. It was like four days after I knew it had been delivered and I was bouncing off the walls wondering if he was okay and not wanting to bug him.
A week passed and I was talking to Mom and she said "oh, did you send so and so some coloring books?"
I said "yeah, so he got them??"
"Yeah, he called his mom and asked why she sent him coloring books and she said she didn't then thought for a second and said that sounds like something you would do."
"Well there was a note with them so he should've seen it."
Now, I know she would've told his mom she confirmed it was me who sent them who would've told him. Do you think he sent a quick thank you message, called or told his mom to thank me? Nope. It wasn't a big thing but it was my way of giving him something to do while he was forced to be off work for 10 days with a little comfort from childhood. Never acknowledged and more so, the way my mom relayed the perceived tone when he asked his mom why she did that almost like what a stupid thing to send him, made me regret it even more.
I remember one time I had my mom and her sib over for a truffle hot cocoa bar with the intent of going to look at Christmas lights. I busted my butt baking a bunch of cookies and was so excited. We sat around and talked what turned into longer than anticipated. They threw together their truffle cocoas which seemed to be going south because her sib is a really picky eater and then one of the cookies (PB&J) that I was excited for mom to try because always ate PB&J's she flat out refused to touch because she 'didn't like jam cookies.' I said 'can you at least take a little bite, I think you'll like them." She wrinkled her nose and shook her head no. I don't even know if they drank much of the hot cocoa or not. (I had them in to go cups so we could go out. No surprise we didn't because we didn't have time once the gabbing was done and they had somewhere else to be.) When they left, the Mr could tell I was hurt and was a little miffed Mom couldn't even lie and just take one of the cookies even if she had no intention of eating it. We took our cocoa and cookies and went out to look at lights ourselves. I swore I wouldn't do something that elaborate again because it wasn't appreciated. A year later Mom said something about it and how much fun they had. What??? That would've been nice to hear at the time instead of letting me stew on it for a year thinking they thought it was lame. I would occasionally run across the sign I made for it and get a pit in my stomach thinking what a bust that was which unfortunately lobbed another brick in the wall for me and made me retreat.
When someone does something nice and thinks of you or puts in some effort on something...please say thank you. You don't know how vulnerable a person may feel by entertaining or doing something to show you they care and then it doesn't get acknowledged. It feels like crap and for those of us with low self esteem is an easy path to feeling like we don't matter to you. It's the most basic of human manners and you never know how taking for granted the person knows you had a good time, appreciated their gesture, whatever will take it. Some people don't care, others have their entire self worth wrapped up in it.
What kind of things make you retreat?
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Makes me mad just reading this and I lived it with you. There's really no excuse to not simply thank someone. It makes me angry when I hear about stuff like that because we need to encourage people to be more thoughtful in this world, not discourage them.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for supporting me through those times. I don't think saying thank you is going out of your way, it's just common courtesy which people seem to have less and less of when I know they thank others for less. Doesn't make a gal feel very good.
DeleteMy Mom had a knack for never having expectations of people. Unfortunately I did not inherit this trait. She did so much for so many and never expressed disappointment. I more take the approach to resolve to stop climbing mountains for people that wouldn't jump a puddle for me. This really came to a head when Mom passed. I felt so deserted by my own family.
ReplyDeleteI think it's when even the most basic of expectations, things you may see them acknowledge to others but not you that hurts the most. People are seeming to get lazier with common courtesy and don't realize the damage it does. As far as people not being there for you when your mom passed, it's unconscionable especially by family and yet I have lived through it as well now. People you thought would be there to help you through it and maybe your relationships would get closer are somehow worse than before. Grief is a lonely and isolating thing in general but when your family deserts you, it is a cruelty I will never understand and I'm so sorry you have to endure that. 😞
DeleteSuch a great question. I have a few that come to mind: scorekeeping, questioning what I'm *really* saying (instead of believing my actual words), and making veiled comments about the way I cope with things.
ReplyDeleteThose things drive me crazy and it shows a lack of trust in me, and that will have me distancing myself to a safe few feet away so to speak. There was a lot of that kind of stuff that went on in high school and well into my 30s and I would find myself constantly trying to "prove" my loyalty to others, or would feel like I needed to respond to a situation the same way they did or else I was lacking. Finally got well passed a lot of that in my 40s but every once in a while it'll pop up again and I have to really work through it.
Your story about your cocoa and cookies reminded me of a holiday meal I went all out for one year, complete with total house decorations, themed bingo game and prizes, the food and dessert. And it was criticized with barely a breath in between words. Just comments throughout the whole day, and that was the very last time that I made a big "to-do" out of a holiday. I lost all interest in doing so after so much effort, and every year after that the pressure became less and less because I just did what I wanted to do and really didn't have any expectations of the outcome from anyone else's point of view. So it was both a very painful experience, but also one that was oddly freeing, if that makes sense. It was a pivotal moment for me as far as how I handled things later in life.
I so agree with you about having to prove yourself whether that's in our own head or not. Scorekeeping is a good one. I have a friend that seems to use my life as a measuring stick for hers since I met the Mr and it's like "I didn't ask for that!" Can't we be happy for each other and cheer each other on??
DeleteIt really does suck when you put a lot of effort into an event and it gets pooped on. I'm so sorry that happened to you even if you were able to eventually find the silver lining.
Durp...forgot to also say having my faith scoffed at. That will distance me real quick because it's the core of who I am. I remember when a former employer was closing and a coworker had asked me what I was going to do and I said the first thing is I'm going to pray about it, and she rolled her eyes and said, "Really? Jesus isn't going to pay your bills." And I just shook my head and said that's not what faith is or how it works, but she didn't have ears to hear that, but boy she sure had the anger of how *I* was going to deal with something. Somehow my answer became all about her. Such an odd encounter.
ReplyDeleteGood gravy, what difference does it make to her?!? We're all just hanging on by a thread, use what works for you and brings you clarity without questioning it or giving their two cents. She probably went home and shook a friggin magic 8 ball. "Outlook good" and gave a look of satisfaction.
DeleteCourtesy is not common. It is all in how someone is raised. Both manners & courtesy are not always taught. I always say please & thank you. Any gift regardless gets acknowledged with a card, email or in person depending on the situation. Yes, as someone how is hypersensitive, when I do something to reach out, to help only to be crapped on hurts. Especially by family or folks who I thought mattered. I have retreated quite a bit over the years. I just don't wish to be hurt anymore.
ReplyDeleteI feel like it was but somehow we've drifted away from it or like people think we should just know or it doesn't need to be acknowledged if that makes sense. It DOES!! I write thank you notes or at minimum an email for people who aren't as formal. I, like you, have also retreated and it sucks. I'm sorry you know how it feels. 😞
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