I have the title of this blog written at the top of my personal journal that I started in 2007 when we were getting frustrated with our weight. It helped to have a place to get out all of my frustrations so that I could always go back to them and either remind myself of why I wanted to get healthy or how far I'd come. (Or both.) But why "empathy?"
I used to be a member of a weight loss community...actually several over the course of 20 years. One, in particular, had a member who had lost over 150 lbs. It was nice to see their accomplishments as they learned how to navigate their new body. They went from not being able to fit in certain places and barely able to stand for 10 minutes to running marathons and doing triathlons. It was a journey we were paralleling with them to some degree sans the marathons and stuff because mama doesn't run unless a bear is chasing her. But then we began to see a shift in their attitude. What used to be a person with low self-esteem learning to accept they were worth being confident in their accomplishments morphed into a sanctimonious, almost bullying presence. The things in their writing turned to rude, unacceptable comments made at other people's expense. Comments they too endured while at their worst and how much shame, embarrassment and inner turmoil they felt were now being hurled at others who used to be like them. It was shocking, to say the least, but sadly not uncommon with those who have lost a large amount of weight.
While they were writing about a hiking adventure they had one weekend, they talked about a fat couple they saw and how they were glad they weren't as gross and out of shape as they were anymore. Uh, scuzi?? They went on and on in this vein for a whole paragraph and I couldn't take it anymore. 99% of the time, I will not respond to something I don't agree with online. 1) Why bother, it takes more effort to write it down and get into some flame war with someone. 2) You will never convince someone to come around to your way of thinking and that shouldn't be the goal anyway unless someone is physically being hurt/abused. We live in a free country...I can accept there are
I had several people message me and tell me they totally agreed with me and were thankful I said it so firmly but eloquently and some spoke up right with me on their entry. The next day, they did do another entry saying they were sorry if they offended anyone and named me specifically along with the few others. They did need to learn to empathize and not forget where they came from. I told them they didn't need to apologize for how they felt but they might consider taking a look at where all of that anger was coming from and ways to not direct it at other people who reminded them of their "old selves." Things seemed to smooth over but I could never forget that which is why that phrase is at the top of my journal. So what happened to them? Life. In a bad way. They regained almost all of the weight back and have said that lifestyle will likely never be something they go back to as far as the marathons and such. It brings me no pleasure whatsoever to know that. Any of us who have lost large amounts of weight are just struggling between not gaining back what we lost like the statistics tell us we will, which sadly happened to so many and doing what we need to move forward if we still have more to lose. It is why I will never look at having lost over 200 lbs as some badge of honor that somehow makes me better or makes me forget where I came from. I know I'm a spiral away from that rabbit hole if I don't watch myself. I can't pretend it could never happen to me because I've seen it too many times no matter what weight loss method was used...the "old fashioned way" or surgical.
I understand that want to help others who were as big as you were when you started but think of how that would feel!?! How embarrassing, degrading and how self-serving for the person doing the approaching! (It's happened to people. I would have SO MUCH to say if someone tried that with me! LOL) The best thing you can do if you've lost weight and want to help a stranger who reminds you of "old you"...smile at them. I remember how friggin' invisible I felt at that weight and literally had people run into me with their carts at the store. Even at 400+ lbs, I was no shrinking violet and said "seriously @sshole!?!? I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME" to which they would run away. "I will sit on a b!tch!" Yep, said it. How sad is it that we can't acknowledge each other anyway but for a morbidly obese person going through this world, it's even worse because you assume everyone is talking about you. Every laugh is at your expense. Every sound that has "oooh" in it is you getting mooed at. Your brain goes into such an overdrive just being out in the world whether you admit it to yourself or not. It's a horrible way to live and it's lonely. So just having someone smile at you and say "good morning!" or "hey there!" or holding the door open instead of letting it slam in their face could go a long way. Some of those people are at the end of their rope and could be one insult away from ending it all and your kindness, your empathy could save a life.
Do you feel you practice empathy? If you do, was there a time in your life where it didn't come as naturally?
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There were so many would-be advice givers when I was 450 lbs who I was simply offended by no matter what they were saying or where they were coming from. I think we all know that the person has to be ready themselves and that is what we have to remember no matter how strong the urge is to offer up advice.
ReplyDeleteI did have some people come to me and ask what I did to lose so much weight. I told them what I did and it was up to them to do the same or not. That is really all you can or should do. Let them come to you.
People can suck. I had to train myself not to make mental judgements on people I encounter. I used to put everyone in a category and found myself to be wrong on many occasions. I became that way after years of being insecure. The pendulum swung the opposite way and I somehow felt superior. I am ashamed of my former self. I now conduct myself realizing everyone is carrying a burden unknown to me and to try to make everyone's day a bit better from coming into contact with me. I think my life events changed me and my perspective. I used to feel that everyone had to earn my respect. Now I treat them with respect until given a reason not to. I'm also older now and I think that helps. Have a fantastic day!
ReplyDeleteI am empathetic because I firmly believe everyone is going through something in life, regardless if they have outward weight issues or not, so the snotty look I just got might not have anything to do with me whatsoever. I used to be very reactionary to that kind of thing but I've had to re-think that at times. As for the weight part, I've seen it both ways...someone with a lot of weight to lose and being disregarded in such painful ways. Or the person who is very thin and the whispers that he or she "must be anorexic." People who don't know me don't know what my starting weight was and I see the looks and hear the comments quite often. I know just how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off, and I've had people who only want to lose 10 lbs say it shyly to me, like they shouldn't be complaining because of where I'm at on my journey. I'm very quick to tell them it doesn't matter if you have 100 lbs or 10 lbs to lose. If 10 lbs is where you are at and it's really a struggle for you, then the struggle is real. I used to kind of shrug at those who just needed to "lose a little" as though their journey was less important than mine. That kind of arrogance got me nowhere but feeling worse about myself because now *I* was the judgmental one. I, of all people, knew just how hard it was to lose 10 lbs, so who was I to snub that on someone else? So I've learned some big lessons about having empathy towards everybody who has a goal they want to achieve, even if it's radically different from mine.
ReplyDeleteSome days when I read your blog it scares me how you can write so eloquently about my life and thoughts.... Since this is a struggle I've had practically my whole life, I empathize with everyone because we all have struggles of some sort and life just is not easy. I try my best not to judge anyone because we just don't know what their struggle is.
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