This is some random crap from my brain so come along for the word purge if you're down.
How many times have we not checked in with family or friends and said: "sorry I haven't talked to you in a while, I've been crazy busy!" I'm guilty of it, and I'm sure you are too. 60% of the time, it's not that we've actually been "crazy busy" because we've maybe been binge-watching Netflix, hanging out with other people or we just have a time where you don't want to talk to anyone, and that took precedence. Then we feel like if we don't make up an excuse under the umbrella of "crazy busy" that the person will think we don't care and we don't want to offend.
I got such a message yesterday saying how they've been 'crazy busy at work for weeks' and I literally busted out laughing when I saw that line on the preview. I wanted to say "girl, I see your social media! You may be busy at work but you've also been busy hitting bars, laying on the beach all weekend and I know you've binge watched three different shows over entire days because you feel the need to advertise that when you do!" But I didn't, I was a good girl and got back to her on my time. (Something I do regardless, it wasn't a punishment or anything because her message came in when I'd finally willed myself to get up and do some work.) I don't begrudge her any of that, it's called life- I have one too. I just wish she didn't feel the need to use the "crazy busy" excuse. It's like those of us without kids feel like if we don't oversell how much we had going on, people don't believe you're busy for your life.
It just got me thinking about would I rather hear someone make up what is obviously a smooth over excuse (but seriously, I didn't care that she hadn't talked with me in so long) or would I rather hear "I just realized how long it's been since I talked to you! I wanted to check in." I'd rather hear the latter personally. I think that our society dictates now that if you don't appear to be busy and have every minute of your day jam-packed with stuff to do that you somehow lead a boring life and that busyness is the only excuse that will fly as to why you didn't return a text/call/message in 3.2 seconds. Like I see this trend of people re-sharing memories on Facebook. It's fine every once in a while but this one friend literally only shares old memories and nothing new. It's like "uh, I already commented on this 4 years ago, I'm not commenting on this again." I don't know that I've ever shared an old memory like that because I don't see the point. No offense to anyone who does this frequently but I feel like "are you posting this because you feel like "I NEED to have something in my feed today?"" While your kid might've looked cute to you doing X and it gives you all the feels, savor that memory for yourself and the sweet comments and go about your day. The rest of us already said they looked cute when you shared it originally, and now some people (not me...LOL) feel forced into the obligatory "like" the same day for four years. It's like a Hollywood money grab...stop it. I rarely post on my personal Facebook anymore because I don't know, I guess I feel like who wants to know what I'm up to all the time?? LOL "Went to the grocery stores today, worked out, cooked...jealous?" (You guys are like "uh, that's exactly what you shared with us Monday!" ROFL)
I'm getting off track. So the excuse thing...then I got to thinking how many excuses we'd made over the years to get out of crap with our families depending on the situation. Early on, with his family, there was no excuse I wouldn't give to not have to sit there for 2 hours and be judged or looked down upon. This was especially given how physically ill the anticipation made me and the week following when my body tried to get back to normal. What if I'd just said early on "yeah, I won't be there because 90% of you make me feel like a boil on the butt of humanity and literally make me puke with anxiety depending on the scenario, so I'm gonna take a hard pass until you realize what an awesome person you're missing out on!" Yes, it would make for an interesting dinner conversation, but they talk(ed) about us behind our backs anyway. Why not have them talk about how they made me feel and instead of me making up an excuse to soothe feelings of people who had no problem hurting mine?
Little white lies are a necessary evil to coexist with everyone but imagine if we started telling a few less of them with a little tact. There are times I've told them because based on previous experience I know how people will react. (i.e., Not going to a weeknight dinner because I could expect side eye for ordering healthy at birthday dinners in a family full of food pushers. I've had crap said to me, eyes rolled or been basically socially exiled because I pass up the deep fried appetizer and sometimes you are just NOT up for it.) Obviously, we can't go dropping truth bombs on everyone especially if we're in a bad mood at the time or there's something else we'd rather be doing or else we'd never have relationships. HA! But I imagine if once I had the ring on my finger if the next time I felt so ignored or judged by his family if I'd said: "look, I'm going to be part of the family, and I get the distinct feeling you don't like me so can we work through this?" I'd have been better off.
Oh crap!
I DID do that to two members of his family via letter asking if we could talk and neither of them acknowledged it and even attempted it with one member TWICE. So yeah...go back to lying because some people are just content to stay knotted in the undie department no matter who it hurts.
I told you this crap was all random! It's the thought train of mah brain!
Are you a people pleaser? Tell it like it is or somewhere in the middle?
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You make a great point. I am guilty of saying that I've been crazy busy to my Mom at times but maybe it would be nicer to just say what is true, that I just got distracted by everything else but am thinking of her in that moment and called/emailed as a result. I know that would feel better to me so I imagine it would to others as well.
ReplyDeleteI am a people pleaser though for sure. Gotta find a way to get more to the middle.
People always know where they stand with me. I know occasionly we are crazy busy but that is the exception. I feel like if someone wants to do something they find a way, otherwise they find an excuse. What's the saying, don't move a mountain for those who wouldn't cross a puddle for you. I have very high expectations of my peeps thus I have a small crew. What I do know is if I called any of them in the middle of the night they would answer. As I would and have for them. When I feel something is off with our relationship I explore it carefully but directly. As far as fb, I post and tag others frequently to capture the moment. I love the timehops they make my heart smile and i love mentally going back to the experience. I am the serial reposter. I would drive you nuts as a fb friend lol.
ReplyDeleteHave a great day!
I have a bit of anxiety about this as a single childless person. I wonder if my friends with kids or super conventionally busy lives might think I'm not "busy" when I say I am. I might be out at bars because of a work event or an old friend in town for two days who I haven't seen in years. I might watch a few episodes of a Netflix show when my sisters fly in and we have a sleepover to binge watch things. If I have a few social events in my calendar like that, on top of my 50-60 hour work week AND maintaining a house and all the errands and pet obligations, I am completely pooped and can't see straight. Sometimes people want to veg but have social obligations they feel they should uphold. I don't know - your friend might have been really busy! But you know her, and you're probably right, most of the time when people say they're busy it's because that's just what everyone says all the time and being busy is rewarded for some reason. Would be nice to encourage relaxation!
ReplyDeleteI was a professional people pleaser for well over three decades. It mattered SO much to me to make others happy (as if I could control their emotions?) and to be seen as the "great girl", always trying to prove my worth for a nugget of acceptance. Little did I stop to realize that every time I did that, a little more of me got swept away and I never *really* felt better. Pleasing someone in that way just made me more anxious to have to do it again and to top it some how. Gah! Such a vicious cycle. I'm much better now and I don't feel the same compulsion to be perceived as this perfect person since I'll never be perfect or close to it. I've kind of adopted the thought of don't complain, don't explain. I was a serial explainer and now I don't feel that need. I used to feel compelled to email or call constantly or to make sure I responded to every single email or text (like having the last acknowledgment so feelings wouldn't be hurt? How dumb), but that has begun to fade too. I have relatives coming into town next week and I agreed to take off a day to spend some time with them (found out later it won't be until the late afternoon, but I'm still taking the day off..ha!) but for the big celebration where one person will be performing on tour in downtown Chicago, I won't be attending. I'm not comfortable in that kind of social situation and said as much. I left it short and simple and didn't feel the need to over-explain myself, which is a real change for me. Overall I'm getting better at just allowing myself and other people to "just be" and not having all these *musts* in my head of how things should be. Life is far better for me when I just take life on life's terms and let go of the reigns a little.
ReplyDeleteOn the in-law thing. I had a terrible time too. For many years. Really terrible. But I wanted to add, once the mother died, my life got so much better. And recently we tried again with a couple of the brothers and things were much much better.
ReplyDelete