Make a new plan, Stan

I saw that little gem on Kelly's blog and I had to share it.  Mostly because it really hit a chord from a talk the Mr and I had the night before.  It's something I need to remember but slowly has also become practically a stand still over the past few years and that's not okay.

We'll call this post the "coming clean" post for those of you wondering why the hell someone who still has about 80-100 lbs to lose has basically stop consistently blogging about weight loss.

Monday night, the Mr and I were both in an emotional funk.  A glance over last years workout calendar showed that we both had basically been bouncing between the same 10 lbs all year.  He ended the year the same weight as he entered it, I ended it 3 lbs higher than I started it.  This has been the trend the past two or three years.  Pretty much since we began adding a fall vacation.  While we feel blessed to be able to take multiple vacations in a year, it doesn't do much for our waistlines ever being able to do more than catch up to the previous pre-vacation weight (if we're lucky) before we go on the next one.

It was so "easy" when I was almost 500 lbs because I could do something as easy as cut my portions by a third and 40 lbs dropped off with no exercise.  I could do relatively light to moderate cardio and have an entire weekend of eating out if I wanted to and lose 2 lbs per week like clockwork.  I ate crap like Lean Pockets and no salt tortilla chips for lunch and somehow thought that was healthy and lost weight on it.  Then when I got under 300 lbs, the weight I pretty much spent a good deal of my life, it was like my body settled there and didn't want to leave that spot.  We ate healthier (whole foods over processed crap), only one day of indulgence, upped the cardio and strength and it was two years of something working for two weeks, not working for three.  Losing three pounds, gaining one, staying the same, gaining two and a month's work would be down the toilet all to end the month the same weight I started it.  Yes, I measured.  No, I lost nothing.  Yes, we had medical tests run.  No, no medical reason for the stand still.  This cycle just bred an indifference in us that still made it so we exercised and ate right 6 days a week but honestly, we had no expectations anymore.  Because every time "on paper" it looked like we should've lost 1-2 pounds, we'd either lose nothing or worse, gain.  Examining every number from calories in to calories out was a part of the routine but also maddening.  I became obsessed only to be disappointed and feel hopeless.  We are not one of those people who are going to jump on a fad diet that has been repackaged for a new generation because we need something that we can do for life.  I refuse to "jump start" only to gain weight back when I go back to whole grains and, gasp, fruit.

There was a time where if you asked me "if you didn't lose another pound, could you be happy at this weight?" we both would've said yes.  That was 20 lbs ago from my lowest ever recorded weight and 30 lbs for the Mr.  I still have stayed on the right side of that 200 lbs lost mark which means a lot to me but I'm tired of looking at pictures taken and not liking what I see again.  I'm tired of clothes I bought for a trip back in 2011 being put in the "too tight" drawer because they now cling instead of have a 'form fitting' appearance.  I'm tired of the pair of jeans I bought three years ago from Old Navy that are the perfect cut, wash and amount of stretch still taunting me with the tags on.  I can zip them but if I sat down the button would probably fly off and kill someone.  I don't care to do time for involuntary manslaughter.

We are both getting depressed over the weight and I'll be honest, 2014 was just a year of indifference from me all the way around.  From my weight to my business to my happiness.  I was blessed enough to be able to have a wonderful getaway to San Francisco and Carmel for a few weeks and then our almost two weeks away to New England in the fall.  We reached milestones we never thought we would in walking the 12 miles in San Fran and it felt like a new world opened up, at least to me.  But again, there was that cycle.  No longer does vacation weight fall off in 2-3 weeks like it did in the past, it can take 2-5 months and then we're off to the next vacation and repeat the cycle and then of course there's the holidays.  You can't make cookies for others without taste testing them first right?  Then you make cookies for yourself for Christmas.  Then that whole week of Christmas is ridiculous with like 4 gatherings for us so we didn't even bother weighing in that Saturday after Christmas.  I just couldn't do it.  Our psyches are vulnerable.  When we came back from Chicago, I didn't want to weigh in either.  I couldn't do it especially knowing I couldn't taste half of it and thinking of all of the weight (half of it water weight, I'm sure) I put on basically for nothing.  When I weighed in a week later, I was only up a pound which I was happy with and am now back to what I was before the trip but still up 20 lbs from my lowest.

I remember a time when I thought how toned my forearms were looking and now all I can see is how hammy they look.  Those compliments that used to flow from people have stopped and then the few times you get them from people you haven't seen in a year or two feel like it was said out of politeness because you KNOW you've gained weight since you saw them last.  Now it feels like any compliment is unwarranted and I hate feeling that way too because it all stems from lack of pride in myself and my lack of progress.

This is really just kind of a coming clean.  We're in the process of trying to decide what direction we want to take.  I have been doing a little experiment since we came back and I'm waiting to see if it either bites me in the ass this week or if the steroids I'm on to get better are going to throw a big fat wrench into things.  I'm going to try to stay positive since there's nothing I can do about the meds right now.  So I'll elaborate more as we muddle through a few more conversations.


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