"We really should stop" Part 2

Sorry for the cliffhanger yesterday but I was in the middle of a blinding migraine and I couldn't keep typing.  If you haven't read yesterday's post, you should so that you have the full story.

So yeah, as I was getting out of the car, I got the slightest butterfly in my stomach but it quickly passed.  If I had made the decision to do this and set a date, I would've changed my mind 50x and made myself sick with anxiety.  When my grandma made her way to the door, the look on her face was priceless.  She looked dumbstruck and opened the door.  I told her I hoped she didn't mind us stopping by but we were on our way back from Easter at my aunt's and I thought I saw her at the door.  She wrapped her arms around me and said she was so glad we did.  She was still stammering for words and gave the Mr a hug.  She invited us in to sit down and we met their dog.  Oh man, that poor thing is about to burst.  I never knew a stub tail could gain weight but this poor thing no longer had a nubbin, it looked like a wagging dinner roll.  They aren't active and they do nothing but give her treats and she lays around.  The next thing I noticed is how my already bad headache instantly got worse.  The dog shed like it was 100 degrees in the dessert and I have allergies (though not typically to animals) and my sinuses slammed shut and started shooting pain into my eyes.  Perfect start to the evening.

We heard a shuffling coming down the hall and I knew my grandpa was coming.  I kind of braced up because I knew this could be interesting in a not so great way.  All I could hope was that the years had mellowed him even a fraction.  Then I wondered would he take this opportunity to tell me what a horrible granddaughter I was because what did he have to lose at his age and health?  He rounded the corner and gave a slight smile and said "well I thought you fell off the planet."  I smiled, uttered a few words to myself and said hello and gave him a hug.  He looked basically the same but more "droopy" in the face.  He didn't have a stroke but you know how they say if you never smile, your face just kind of naturally goes that direction as you age?  It was like that.  As he started to settle into his chair, I just took them both in for a second.  The last time I had real, constant contact with them, she had black hair and his hair was salt and pepper and yes, they were older but still able to move normally.  Now, my grandma has thin white hair and those sparkling blue eyes she passed on to my dad have faded to a powder blue.  She hobbles a bit, it takes her a bit of effort to get in and out of her chair and she can no longer use her hands for things like jars or even to dial the phone.  As she told me about how she couldn't use her hands so well anymore, I couldn't help but think of the times she would paint her nails and have this slick top coat.  I would sit there and rub over her nails to feel how they were smooth as granite.  It was almost soothing to me.  Now her fingers were crooked and almost slanted at a relaxed position and it made me sad.  As I looked at him, he hadn't changed much except for the face and his hair was now white and receded a little more.  Both of their voices were the same and they were exceptionally sharp for their age which I was glad to see.  It's always such a shock to see people you haven't seen in long stretches of time because when I think of them, they're about 25 years younger in my head.  I think it'll probably always be that way.

My quiet observance period was interrupted by the sound of my grandpa starting to go off on every social, political, religious and environmental issue you can name.  Basically if it was important to me and the way we live our life, he crapped all over it in the kind of non-PC way that WWII period men can do.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not an overly PC person and I hate censorship but I also do not like how the way he spoke made either of us feel.  How is it that he's actually gotten worse over the years?  (The Mr later agreed)  Could I have said that I didn't agree or that some of the things he said were actually wrong so that it could've been a conversation instead of a one sided rant?  Yes.  And what would that have gotten me?  Nothing.  No one who talks in that "this is fact" when they're seriously misguided on some things will ever change their mind and it's a waste of time to argue a point they won't hear.  His lack of respect for the way I live my life (whether he knew he was verbally crapping all over everything important to me or not) was not something I was going to defend.  I remembered trying to do that in my childhood and he would purposely go harder and more crude the more he knew it bothered you.  It wasn't in a joking manner either, it was in this almost militant "I'm going to break you of that horse shit you believe" kind of way.  I had to sit and listen to a rant that ended up lasting close to 45 minutes when all issues were totaled up.  All I could think to myself is "if this man wasn't my grandfather and I heard this in some public arena, I would've gotten up and left and told the Mr to keep him away from me."  I can't even properly convey the pompousness that oozed off of him.  It made me appreciate the Mr all the more and the fact that I didn't have to live with that...not that I ever would.  I understand growing up in a different generation, I understand being older and not giving a crap what you say or who you may be hurting but there are some things that you should just let swirl in your head and not leave your mouth.  I know plenty of men of the same age and era that don't speak that way.

The next 45 minutes were spent with them giving us very graphic detail of his medical problems.  I got the Reader's Digest version from my mom because she still sees her socially in a club about 6x a year but no, this is stuff you don't want to know.  Things you can't unhear and honestly, nothing I cared to know in that great of detail.  I was beginning to secretly pray for a power outage so we could have an excuse to leave.  Between the inappropriate conversation sending my shoulders to my ears creating the tension/migraine from Hell, the dander/hair from their little furry, adorable butterball doggie shutting down my sinuses and the heat in the house that had the Mr and I on the edge of flop sweat and the dog panting like she was going to pass out, I was ready to hit the road.  (I knew the Mr was more than ready)  There was the awkward pause for the 6th time and I took my opening as I'd tried to do once or twice before and told them we were going to get a move on.  When I gave her a hug goodbye she said she was so glad we stopped by and it made it the best Easter.  I was glad that it meant so much to her and honestly, she's the one I stopped for.  I could feel how much she loved me in that moment and that meant a lot.  I gave Grandpa a hug good bye and he asked me if I was going to fall off the planet again and I said "no, just going back home a few miles away."  They had just gotten back from their daughters house and had made the hour journey with no issue.  Not really sure how 15 minutes away is falling off the planet but you know.

Yeah.

I suppose in the scheme of things, worse things could've been said.  I didn't have time to process the "what if's" but the Mr said he was expecting a whole lot worse so I'll take the two "planet" jabs.

We made our way to the car and as soon as we got in, I apologized to the Mr for the two hours of them catching us up on the last 10 years and only asking us how our jobs were going.  As we drove home, I kept blowing my nose trying to get all the dander out and as soon as we got home, I did the neti pot praying for it to get rid of any leftover crap and relieve the pressure building behind my eyes.  We didn't really say much and I threw together leftovers from the previous night and we agreed that I was in no shape to do a workout that late with my head throbbing like a Tom and Jerry cartoon.  Between the late hour and my headache turning into a vicious sinus/migraine combo, I would've passed out for sure.  Plus I had to write my recap post for the weekend.  When I was done I asked what his thoughts were.  He said grandpa was just kind of mind blowing in a not so great way and several times he had to ask himself if he heard what he thought he heard.  He said he would look at my grandma with a shocked look on his face and she'd just roll her eyes like "don't look at me, I can't control him!"  It's true too.  I know they love each other and especially now, they depend on each other but it's somewhat like an Archie and Edith Bunker relationship.  (The Mr said he's way worse than Archie)  It's that mentality of "you're a woman, you don't know what you're talking about so I'm dismissing what you say."  I don't like that and I know it's because of that generation but I saw my dad pick up on that behavior and treat my mom that way.  I told the Mr early on in our relationship that I hated that about both men and I would not tolerate being treated that way so if he had that kind of old school, anti-woman mentality, he could take a hike.  I'm grateful to report he's nothing like that, thank God.

When he asked what I thought, I told him that it was weird because I didn't really feel anything.  I thought I would feel more.  Then I said how I noticed all over their side tables were framed photos of all of their great grandchildren and grandchildren...except me.  I don't expect to garner some spot of honor anymore but I send her pictures every year in our Christmas card on purpose.  Obviously I didn't look at every single picture because that would've been weird but yeah, with a quick scan, it was easy to see I wasn't in the menagerie and that kind of hurt even if I understood why I wasn't there.  I told him I was glad we stopped because it was good to stop saying it and just do it but more importantly, in that moment, I felt how much she loved me.  Then I started crying and said that the only problem with that is it makes that fact that she does feel that way about me and hasn't been willing to put in the time over the years and more into making excuses for not getting together was just confusing and hurtful.  Even when we left, it was the same goodbye as it has been for years, "stop by again."  (Aka-ball in your court even though I already hit the ball.  I believe you need back and forth for a volley.  I'm tired of always having to be the bigger person or make the first move and then two days later it goes right back to "what have you done for me lately, Miss Jackson?")

At points in the conversation when they would take a breath, I would tell her some of my favorite memories with her...watching the Wizard of Oz, working in the garden, playing with the puppy litter that my first dog came from.  I wanted her to know I remembered, that they meant something to me and that when she made the time for me, I was appreciative of it.  It was important to me that she knew it.  However, that time only seemed to be important to them when my parents were married.  They had big plans for my dad and I threw a wrench in that.  (Don't feel sorry for him.  Nepotism was pretty rampant back in the day and his dad got him on at his work and he's always made very good money.  That is also a sore subject so I'm stopping there.)  I know they loved me but there are more underlying issues that I have to draw the line on talking about but suffice it to say, they're big.  At this point in her life, I'm not going to confront things and get into the nitty gritty of how I've felt all this time because again, perception is reality.  She has her version of how our relationship is, he has his, I have mine, my dad has his and then there's the truth which is some screwed up mix of all of them.  It's shaped me in good ways and bad.  I want it to be known despite how bad this all sounds, I do love them and I love my family and would never want anything bad to happen to them.

In the end, I just have no desire to try to force a relationship with people who don't want one enough to make it a two way street.  I have had far too many relationships where I'm the one expected to do all the work, upkeep, communication and sacrifices while everyone else gets to do nothing.  I am glad I saw them, I'm glad that he beat the odds when he could've died several times over a period of time, I'm glad they seem to be happy and are there to support each other with the day to day stuff.  I wish nothing but the best for them and that they are still able to enjoy and make memories with the grand kids they hold dear.  I'm glad they indirectly gave me life through their son and am glad that my dad is still so close with them even though he lives elsewhere.  It's very weird to hear updates on your father and have it feel so disconnected.  I mean it's not weird for me but I know many are thinking like "how do you not know what goes on with your dad?" because they're so close to their own fathers.  Count your blessings, some people just don't have that relationship or anything remotely close.

Everyone lives their lives differently and everyone has certain ways they handle relationships that aren't working. I wish there was some better way to end this tale...like it was the beginning of some new chapter for us and we were all going to skip through the backyard and pick cherries from their tree I used to climb as a kid.  It's not.  You can still love people and not be in each others lives.  You can choose to put your own sanity first even if others out there will be quick to judge, try to guilt you into a relationship because 'they're old' and you should get over your own feelings or to think they have all the answers to your particular situation.  They don't know jack and they have no right to give advice unless they've been through your exact situation.  My mom pushed for years for me to have a good relationship with that side of the family and she was willing to do whatever it took to help how she could.  It wasn't her responsibility to do that but that's the kind of person she is.  She did more than she should have and finally I had to tell her one day after I was married that it wasn't going to happen and I know she wants it but everyone has to want it and they didn't.  I told her bringing it up would re-open old wounds and she needed to stop, I was trying to heal and picking the scab once or twice a year wasn't allowing me to move on.

It's not ideal from a shiny happy people perspective but life rarely is.  If you are going through a family situation, choose the people you tell all of your feelings to wisely.  Whether it's family, friends, co-workers, etc.  Some people have their own agendas when it comes to doling out advice you didn't ask for.  Most importantly, make peace with the situation in a way that makes you comfortable.  You have to be realistic about expectations for your relationship going forward and you have to ask yourself what you're willing to settle for and what you're not.  If your "demands" on the other person are minimal and they still aren't willing to make an effort, you need to make the decision to either stick with it and be okay with rejection for the potential of something bigger or to let it take its course and fade away with the hopes of something better when the other party is willing to make a little effort.  Whatever you decide, don't be persuaded into something to appease others expectation of what that relationship should be to them no matter their relationship to the situation.  Usually the closer the person is to the situation, the less objective they can be.  (IE- what my mom wanted and what was actually going to happen between my dad and I.  She came out of a place of love but eventually she was doing more harm than good by trying to push things and I had to tell her so.  Stand up for your decision even if its unpopular but necessary for your own healing process)

I don't really know why the hell I just shared all of this and if it actually got published, it's a miracle.  I just needed to get it off my chest and I know someone out there is going through a tough situation and are probably getting advice that they don't feel comfortable following.  If I help just one person feel better about the decision they made (obviously as long as it's nothing malicious or illegal!) then I'll be glad to have opened up so much of this crap bomb.  :-)

They say you can't choose your family but you should choose to surround yourself with people who lift you up, not people who make you question yourself or your decisions or make you feel like you're not worth the effort.  There are plenty of people out there who think you are and blood is not always thicker than water.

Thanking all of those who have thought I was worth the effort.

Any family issues you want to share?

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