Thursday, April 13, 2017
Peeking in to say hello
I was watching this vlogger yesterday and they have a 7 year old daughter. They were buying carpet and the camera was set up between the rolls for the shot and it triggered a memory for me. I used to love going to the carpet store as a kid. My favorite thing was to stand between the tall rolls and hide and be enveloped in that probably cancerous scent of new carpet. Sometimes I would just stand there out in the open and other times I'd hide and watch my parents looking for me. I also loved flopping down on those cascading samples of carpet and just breathing it in. Weirdo.
Then typing about that made me think of how I used to hide in racks of clothes at retail stores. Remember when they'd have those big, round racks of clothes? (I know some places still do) My mom worked retail and I loved just going in there and sitting. Something about people being all around me but not knowing I was there.
It was something I obviously sought as a kid and then it just became a self-fulfilling prophecy as an adult. People all around but no one knowing I'm here or at least caring enough to reach out from time to time. My cousin dropped off of social media and I tried emailing him but he obviously never checks it and I don't text so... My other cousin is wrapped up in herself and has a busy school schedule right now. The last time I heard from her was on my birthday. It wasn't to wish me a happy birthday either, it was to invite me to a performance of hers. She literally could not have logged in without seeing it was my birthday but yeah...that didn't sit well. We had plans the day of her performance anyway. My mom doesn't really talk to me anymore and I don't know if that's because she's mad at me for not being involved in Grandma's care or if she just feels like we don't really connect anymore or what. I've tried inviting her over to cook dinner a few times and she has turned me down but has no problem filling her social calendar with her sister and close friends. My friend that I used to see once a month is now down to once a year and feels like an acquaintance relationship. It feels like things have changed and I feel like her husband's attitude toward us has changed a bit and I'm not quite sure why. I would love to just have a girls day with her or something but my own schedule is going to need to let up a bit before I can offer that up. I have some people that are really good people to have in my life but I am the person who keeps the relationship alive. I know they care about me/us but I'm always the one to have to reach out and keep it going. I get it, people are busy and I know I've probably been guilty of being too busy when it doesn't take much just to check in with someone and say "hey, I was thinking about you." It feels pretty darn good.
Then I have people I'm so close with and they live nowhere near me. My heart kind of aches to have people who "get me" in my life that I could just say "hey, wanna go to the park?" or whatever knowing that a good talk would likely ensue. They're people who I've revealed the more in depth stuff to and have accepted me as is...or at least they appear to! LOL Yet the people in my life geographically closest to me, I could give them a multiple choice quiz about me and they'd fail miserably. I try to go deeper because it's just who I am but people don't seem to be interested in deep, they want surface. So I sit here with the Mr, in our carpet roll row and inside the retail rack waiting for someone to pop in...wondering what it is about us that seems to be so hard to like or love. I think we're kinda cool but we seem to be in the minority on that one. So I'll focus on those willing to accept me/us. The ones willing to poke their head in and say hello.
Wow, that was friggin' deep. Sorry.
Are you the one who puts in the majority of the effort in your relationships and did this make you realize maybe you should text/email or call a few people to say howdy?
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