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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Peeking in to say hello

I was watching this vlogger yesterday and they have a 7 year old daughter.  They were buying carpet and the camera was set up between the rolls for the shot and it triggered a memory for me.  I used to love going to the carpet store as a kid.  My favorite thing was to stand between the tall rolls and hide and be enveloped in that probably cancerous scent of new carpet.  Sometimes I would just stand there out in the open and other times I'd hide and watch my parents looking for me.  I also loved flopping down on those cascading samples of carpet and just breathing it in.  Weirdo.

Then typing about that made me think of how I used to hide in racks of clothes at retail stores. Remember when they'd have those big, round racks of clothes?  (I know some places still do)  My mom worked retail and I loved just going in there and sitting.  Something about people being all around me but not knowing I was there.

It was something I obviously sought as a kid and then it just became a self-fulfilling prophecy as an adult.  People all around but no one knowing I'm here or at least caring enough to reach out from time to time.  My cousin dropped off of social media and I tried emailing him but he obviously never checks it and I don't text so...  My other cousin is wrapped up in herself and has a busy school schedule right now.  The last time I heard from her was on my birthday.  It wasn't to wish me a happy birthday either, it was to invite me to a performance of hers.  She literally could not have logged in without seeing it was my birthday but yeah...that didn't sit well.  We had plans the day of her performance anyway.  My mom doesn't really talk to me anymore and I don't know if that's because she's mad at me for not being involved in Grandma's care or if she just feels like we don't really connect anymore or what.  I've tried inviting her over to cook dinner a few times and she has turned me down but has no problem filling her social calendar with her sister and close friends.  My friend that I used to see once a month is now down to once a year and feels like an acquaintance relationship.  It feels like things have changed and I feel like her husband's attitude toward us has changed a bit and I'm not quite sure why.  I would love to just have a girls day with her or something but my own schedule is going to need to let up a bit before I can offer that up.  I have some people that are really good people to have in my life but I am the person who keeps the relationship alive.  I know they care about me/us but I'm always the one to have to reach out and keep it going.  I get it, people are busy and I know I've probably been guilty of being too busy when it doesn't take much just to check in with someone and say "hey, I was thinking about you."  It feels pretty darn good.

Then I have people I'm so close with and they live nowhere near me.  My heart kind of aches to have people who "get me" in my life that I could just say "hey, wanna go to the park?" or whatever knowing that a good talk would likely ensue.  They're people who I've revealed the more in depth stuff to and have accepted me as is...or at least they appear to!  LOL  Yet the people in my life geographically closest to me, I could give them a multiple choice quiz about me and they'd fail miserably.  I try to go deeper because it's just who I am but people don't seem to be interested in deep, they want surface.  So I sit here with the Mr, in our carpet roll row and inside the retail rack waiting for someone to pop in...wondering what it is about us that seems to be so hard to like or love.  I think we're kinda cool but we seem to be in the minority on that one.  So I'll focus on those willing to accept me/us.  The ones willing to poke their head in and say hello.

Wow, that was friggin' deep.  Sorry.

Are you the one who puts in the majority of the effort in your relationships and did this make you realize maybe you should text/email or call a few people to say howdy?

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  1. I've always had kind of a hard time making friends but as an adult it's so much harder. Seeing friends dwindle over the years is one of the toughest realities to face. If anyone has any suggestions out there I'm open to it!

    1. Its definitely hard as an adult to make friends. But I've got you! :)

  2. I have more friends now than I have had as an adult, not a lot a few. We always enjoy spending time together, but yes - I'm always the one that initiates contact. I often wish that people with whom I've formed online friendships were close enough to actually hang out with.

    1. I think a few are truly all you need. It seems the bigger the circle, the less you truly can bond with them individually. I think that tends to happen with internet friends, it's like "why don't you live closer!?"

  3. I think a lot of it is just the time/era.

    In my grandma's day you knew all your neighbors, and this was on wide spread farms. Now neighbors tend to either be strangers or just people where you nod and wave.

    I thinking dating is now much harder too. Finding people is harder. You would think with improved technology it would be easier, but it is not.

    I have found and lost a lot of friends over the years. And a lot of it is (I think) people tend to fall into our lives because of schedules or interests or proximity and then when those things change, they sort of drift off again.

    When I hit a lonely spell a few years ago, I joined interest groups. I joined two book groups. Met once a month. That helped a lot.

    I personally also joined an exercise group. Met twice a week.

    And I joined a debate group. Which also met once a week.

    All of that worked well for me because there were no other demands. I did not get sucked into any drama. I was not required to do any work (other than read the books).

    I also put myself on the email lists for all kinds of things in town and watch the local news every day. Things to do came up that way. And that helped.

    My son is single and living far away. He plays in a tennis league, takes special interest classes (pottery, painting, sailing), has a small group of friends. But this whole topic has come up with him a lot because of college. He moved out of state for undergrad. Moved to another state for grad school. Moved to yet another state for his job. So he has had to start from nearly -0- many times. And it is hard.

    I (personally) do not think most internet people would pan out in real life. Some would, I realize. But the relationships are built on this mode of communication. And it is effective, but it might not translate.

    1. I agree and I think growing up on the tail end of that period, it makes me long for something that is considered an "outdated" way to live. Those are good ideas on the groups. I'll have to see what's around us that piques our interest!

  4.'s my observation. From reading your posts, which I do enjoy, I see that you both have set up some pretty strict boundaries with your family. You may see this as an invisible line in the sand but your family sees it as an impenetrable wall.
    Go back and read your post about Easter dinner, from the outside looking in I would guess that you don't particularly like your family very much so why do you care? If you have so much angst weeks before any gathering I can't imagine that doesn't spill over into the actual event. Your family may not read your blog but I'm sure they are well aware of how you feel about them when they are around you.
    Please don't take this as me being rude or an attempt to troll you. I'm just giving you my perception as a daily reader.
    Take care.

    1. I don't think you're trolling me and I knew putting this out there would likely get someone pointing that out. ;) I'm sorry if it comes off like I don't like my family, that isn't true. But when you walk into a gathering and people are already arguing, sighing or in a snappy mood and any attempts to lighten the mood are dismissed, it does not start things off right. When attempting to engage in conversations after listening to them for 20 minutes and then when it's your turn they literally turn away from you mid-sentence, that's rude and makes you not want to open yourself up for the rejection again. You throw how dementia changes the dynamics (it will change EVERYTHING if it comes into your life) and you're not all on the same page, it makes things that much more difficult. There may be some people it doesn't and that's great for them. I'm not making excuses but there are reasons for those walls. We have both agreed we are going to go into Easter with a clear mind, happy thoughts and go from there.

      But your comment has given me pause that maybe I need to pull back on talking about that kind of stuff here. I know I wouldn't necessarily want to read about and I don't want to keep coming off as some ice queen toward my family. That's what husbands are for where sounding boards are concerned. LOL So thank you for pointing that out.

  5. I love that you share like you do. I think you say things alot of people think but don't have the courage to verbalize. I am the caller, the check inner in most of my relationships. I am also the card sender. I think people get used to me in that role and expect it of me. I don't mind at all. I have a few close friends I talk to regularly and alot afar. I have learned not to internalize the behavior of others. I have heard of meet up websites and people have luck finding friends there.
    Wish I lived closer, I think we would be fast friends. My family is far flung so I am envious that others get to see theirs for Easter, regardless of their warts.
    Have a fantastic holiday!

    1. That's because I'm not passive aggressive, I'm just aggressive! LOL That is a good way to live as far as not internalizing other people's behaviors, I wish I had the type of personality that allowed me to do it. I'm slightly better about it but only slightly. Teach me! LOL

      I think we would be too! :) Here I am envying those who have far flung families! Bwaaahaha! The grass is always greener, right? Hee hee

  6. I appreciate you giving more of the back story...I totally get it and you handle it 100% better than I ever would. I'm totally Team Anele and The Mr.! I hope you can find your tribe, a family of friends who love you unconditionally and have your backs.
    I hope you don't decide to pull back on what you share. Yours is one of 3 blogs I go to every day when I get to work and I wouldn't be doing that if the content wasn't great. I was truly just trying to contribute to a conversation, as I would if we were face to face. :)

    1. Oh trust me, I know you are and I appreciate it but it really did make me think. They say that the things that make you do that or even hurt a little, are because there is a grain of truth to them. (BTW, it's period time so literally the piece of chicken that fell into the sink from my mini burrito just hurt my feelings so don't take it wrong!) I can't change the way others are or what they choose to share but even though I've changed how I react to them, maybe it isn't in a way that is to anyone's benefit but my own protection mechanism. I have always disconnected when consistently rejected. It makes it quite lonely at times but I'm still trying to figure myself out most days than trying to figure others out. So please believe me when I say I understand what you said was said coming from a good place and I really do appreciate it! <3

  7. I have struggled with this all my life and have always felt like a social misfit and someone who was born in the wrong era. I was awkward as a kid and that manifested as an adult. I learned some very tough lessons in various jobs about lasting friendships that didn't last beyond my walking out the door for the last time. I have maintained a few from old jobs, and those are great relationships, but there's still a level of anonymity that I keep. It was brow beaten into me as a kid to not talk about myself in conversations because "no one cares about your little accomplishments." It was considered bragging, so therefore I was to be quiet. Well, as an adult, that did not serve me well because I'd come across as aloof when really it was me standing there with a bubble over my head saying, "please reach out because I don't know how to." After I lost a family member, I was really surprised at the people I knew who did NOT reach out, even though they knew what had happened (because I had told them directly). I know people aren't sure what to say, but complete radio silence? And all this time later? Even family members have been incommunicato, but that doesn't surprise me so much. I treasure when you feel a deep bond, can share the good (yes, even that's okay Woodsy), the bad and the ugly (and then the really, really Where you can get honest feedback and give honest feedback and there's no threat to the friendship. Those are rare to find, but my gosh, when you do, you know you're holding a real gift. That means you, sister. xoxo


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