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Monday, May 23, 2016

Will I always feel this way?

**I was going through draft posts and have no idea why I didn't hit publish on this one.  It was written mid-August last year but I think it's still worth a peep.**

When you're tipping toward 500 lbs, the last thing you want to do is go out in public.  Many people close to me have said they still can't believe I ever weighed that much because I looked closer to 350 lbs because of my height.  Regardless of if they were trying to be nice or just oblivious, I felt every pound of my weight, especially in public.

I can probably count on one hand how many times something has been said to me in public and while that's bad enough, it's pretty low considering stories I've read where people are constantly harassed or even have stuff thrown at them.  Seriously!?!  Society sucks sometimes...well, a lot of the time these days but I digress.  Some of these comments I heard and others I couldn't hear but knew they weren't complimenting me on my stretch jeans with elastic waistband by their tone.  Even after losing 225 lbs and looking what many would call "normal fat" over "record scratch fat", there are times I still feel like the vulnerable woman bracing up for insults to be hurled.

Last Wednesday when we were setting up for an evening paddle and almost ready to shove off, a gang of dudes in their late teens or early twenties came out of nowhere and started walking in the parking lot toward us.  I could only see trucks with trailers attached in the lot and they didn't have a boat so I feared the worst.  I didn't know if they were coming over to see the fat couple or to make a comment about our weight.  I tried not to look at them so as not to encourage them or acknowledge their presence.  I looked down to get my paddle latched together and I heard doors slam and an engine start.  I glanced up to see they were in a truck that didn't have a trailer and drove off.  A wave of relief came over me and I was so glad that my self esteem didn't have to take a bigger hit than I was already giving it.

The fact is, I'm still in the mid-upper 200's...someone else's "before" to my "two-thirds there" and it's not unrealistic to think that people could still make comments.  I don't feel this way all the time but usually when I see a bunch of young guys, I know they are the demographic that is the most free with hurling the insults like they're playing football.  I know even if I get anywhere near what a doctor's chart calls a healthy weight that on some level I will likely still have that knee jerk reaction.  It's just a result of the way I've lived my life and I have to make peace with that.  It's not like it's some thing that daunts me whenever I'm in public but given how much more mean and scrutinizing the public seems to be these days, I suppose I'll never feel truly immune.  By the way, what's with that anyway?  How is it that 2/3 of us are apparently varying degrees of overweight or obese yet it seems like everyone rips anyone that doesn't have bones popping out a new one for not fitting that mold??  I've got news, I've been out in a lot of cities in a lot of places and maybe .12% of people I've seen in the wild look remotely close to what is considered the "ideal" according to the internet.  Maybe we're all mistaking a bunch of crap on the internet for the common person's view when it isn't that at all?  But that's a whole other topic.

Have you had comments made to you in public about your weight or been given that up and down disgust look?  Have you ever "braced up" for them and they never came?

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  1. I've been lucky as far as weight based comments, but I cringe when see a gaggle of teenagers coming too. I don't know why. I'm a teacher and I know full well that the vast majority of even teenagers are good and kind people. Why do I always assume that the ones I meet in the "wild" (I love your phrasing) are the tiny minority of jerks?

  2. Oh yes, I've had comments, snickers, insults, etc. The worst actually came from a young girl while I was sunbathing at a park/lake (years ago and weighed about 180). I was mortified when this girl, her mom, and others started laughing at "how fat I was". I've had both guys and girls make comments or do the obvious stare and then turn and say something to each other and laugh. More often than not it's been females interestingly enough. I know that is a huge part of my social anxiety, which just stinks.

  3. Comments? All. My. Life. From strangers to friends to family. From ' you'd be pretty if only'. To ' why did you marry her?'. I'm light years from where I started, but Im still closer to some peoples before picture. Even now the pressure of that is more than I want to bear. It's exhausting.


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