Thursday, February 20, 2014
August 27th: The birthday of my first gay crush of whom I haven't seen since 6th grade. I was busted at his house by my mom after school when I'd ride by on my Duran Duran hooptie bike. She saw me out on his stoop, grabbed the bike and chucked it in the trunk and said "you are SOOOOOOOOOO grounded!" If she only knew, I was totally safe. No chance of tomfoolery there. Haven't seen him in 25+ years.
July 28th: Birthday of my third gay crush. (Are we sensing a pattern?) A model, self centered, a manipulator, naive, broken so of course I wanted to fix him, horrible singer, heart breaker, still owes me the cassette tape of me and my friend's best soap opera that I let him borrow in 1989 on his way out of town. Mom liked him but knew she wanted more for me than someone who always seemed like they were looking for something better and not in a good way. I'd love to forget this birthday, it brings up the most mixed emotions in me since he was my second real heartbreak far too close to my first. Haven't seen him in over 20 years.
The day before yesterday was one of those dates too...February 19th. My first gynecologist visit 20 years ago.
(I heard that collective groan)
I was 17 and I met some dude I wanted to let into the secret garden. Oh hey, he happens to be napping to my right as I type! Yeah, you know what that means...the Mr and I are disease free because we've only bumped uglies with each other. I'll let you either sigh in romantic awe or recoil in horror at our lack of sampling the flesh buffet of sin that life has to offer. I remember the day I told my mom I thought it was time to go to the gynie. She was a teen mom and made me promise that when that time came that she wanted to get me on the pill. Of course she wouldn't be mad and never regretted me, blah blah blah but yeah, no poppin' out a bebe in high school. (Little did she know, this womb is closed.) I told her over dinner in public so she couldn't yell at me. She looked at her plate, nodded her head and we ate in awkwardness for a few minutes then moved on to other topics. I would go to her gynie who was around when fire was discovered. I'm pretty sure he and cavemen rode dinosaurs together.
This was going to be the first dude to see me nekkid so I power washed the punani, powdered, probably squirt some perfume on my thighs and tried to empty my bladder as much as possible. I probably smelled like Avon exploded down there. The drive to the office was silent. I thought I was going to puke...and I don't like puking. When we walked in my mom filled out the paperwork and I sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop. All of the women there were pregnant and they all looked at me like "oh you're here for the PILL, are you!?" Or who knows, maybe they thought I was pregnant too but I felt like all eyes were on me.
Every time the door opened and the nurse would call a name, I almost passed out. My hearing would go fuzzy and my heart would thump out of my chest. I think I pee'd 4x before they finally called me. It felt like I waited forever for him to come in. When he finally moseyed in, I got tunnel vision. I don't know if it was because of the realization that the speculum was about to be a reality or the fact he was dressed like a human Easter egg in powder blue pants, a pink shirt and purple tie. He did the breast exam and kneaded my boobs so hard he would've popped any masses in there anyway. I wanted to scream "these aren't yeast rolls, buddy! A little finesse if you please!" He instructed me in his gruff voice to lay back and when he did the pelvic exam, he blurted out "well, you're obviously still a virgin. You're pretty tight."
When he pulled out what appeared to be a 20 foot speculum to insert for the pap test, I blacked out for a second. When he put it in, I apparently snapped shut like a bear trap and he was yelling at me to "stop fighting it!" How's about I shove this up your ass and open it up and tell YOU to stop fighting it, pal!??!! That ain't supposed to be there, okay? Give a teen a chance to relax. You didn't even buy me dinner first! When he was finally done, he told me to get dressed and come to his office. He gave me a lecture and told me how to use the pill and all I could think of was how squishy I felt and please just give me the damn script. When he finally gave me the prescription, I felt like Charlie with the Golden Ticket.
Wow, I just SERIOUSLY over-shared.
What dates can you not kick out of your head no matter how hard you try?
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