Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Peer pressure averted...barely
This is my favorite yet most dreaded candy time of year. I don't even need to say anything, you can just see why...
My two most favorite candies ever. Though I am ticked at both companies for drastically reducing the size over the last few years and not copping to it and yet somehow the calories stay the same. How the hell is that possible?? I digress. It doesn't matter if you think Cadbury eggs are disgusting or you say you can get Reese cups any time of year so the egg doesn't appeal, put your two favorite candies in there and stop bein' a candy snob. ;-)
This past weekend was our first "reduced" high cal day. It wasn't quite the resounding success we'd hoped. It was better than previous ones, yes but MUCH improvement could (and will) be made. Sunday's are my worst day as far as feeling like I can't control my hunger. I don't know if it's because I ate more hearty the day before and more than I'm used to in a typical weekday but Sunday is usually a day of "re-adjustment" back to previous eating habits. It's the day my willpower is most tested and none more than this past Sunday. We discussed my funk earlier in the day where I was depressed and saying I would be fat for the rest of my life and he said no, we just need to buckle down, etc. He kindly offered to go to the store to pick up our produce for the week while I made dinner. I was starving. I mean like pain in the stomach starving so while I was making dinner I picked at about 4 oz of cantaloupe that was going to be trash when he came back if I didn't eat it. It went a long way in filling that pit and stopped me from grabbing anything inappropriate like say the homemade "ice cream" sandwich in the freezer and telling the Mr we were out. I was proud of myself for turning to fruit. Since we had a little bigger calorie allowance for Sunday, I decided we could finish off the baked beans we had with lunch and I knew that would make the Mr happy plus it fit into our calories. He comes home and unloads the fruit and as I turn back around in the top of the fruit basket I see...you guessed it, not fruit but a Cadbury egg and a Reese egg!!!
My mind went through a million scenarios and feelings at once.
"Oh my God, why did he get those!!?"
"I want to eat both of them, is that little effer really going to make me choose!?"
"I want to punch him in the throat."
"I could totally fit that into my calories, it's only 30 calories more than the sugar free pudding I was going to have."
"I want to eat both of them, is that little effer really going to make me choose!?" Oh, did I say that already?
"Why is he doing this to me? Did we not just talk 3 hours ago about being fat forever?"
"F*** it. Pass the candy."
"No, don't pass the candy."
"I should punt you like a football."
"No baked beans for you."
He saw all of the emotions on my face, proclaimed himself "bad" and said we'd freeze them. I told him no, I wasn't going to obsess over them. He said he'd hide them and we'd have them some other time and bagged them up and I yanked it from him and threw them into the living room (we have a pass through) and said "too late, I've already seen them!" He said he'd even take them back if I wanted him to. I got dinner out of the oven and started crying and asked why he did that. I know it's hard for him too and he gets weak just like anyone but we'd just talked about needing to do better and mere hours later he was contributing to the delinquency of a person with weak willpower. I silently cried all through dinner wondering why the hell I was so weak. It was here so of course I have to eat it and it fits in my calories so what's the big deal?
The big deal is I'd be breaking an hours old promise to myself to finally get my damn act together when we will have plenty of opportunities to eat this crap at Easter. We give ourselves that day to have a 3 pack of eggs (regular for me, caramel for him) and some Reese eggs. We don't need to graze on this crap throughout the season like we used to and I'm tired of giving those things that kind of power on non-designated days just because I can fit them into my calories. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
"Take them back," I told him.
"Okay," he replied
He got up and took them back to the store. I wanted there to be a lesson. If you come home with them, your butt might be turning right back around and going back to the store then you have to look like a weirdo returning two pieces of Easter candy.
I know his heart was in the right place...doesn't make me not want to smack him any less. We're at a weak point in our journey and if I have to be the bad guy for a while until we get our heads together then I'm just going to have to do that even though I feel pretty damn weak myself. I'm not perfect, I failed a lot last high cal day but the next one will be better. I'm done with this crap.
What have you been struggling with lately?
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