Tis Monday again. At least it's a short week for many (or with a day off thrown in the middle...unless you work retail. My condolences.) I wish I had some exciting stuff to report but it was a blah weekend as most of them tend to be anymore. Friday we went for a walk in the rain and the park had put up Christmas lights.
The Mr said he couldn't even get excited about them and that's the first time he's ever felt that way. I agreed. We had some emotional talks about Mom and how it still is not registering that she's gone. We both feel like the past two months have rocketed by with zero headspace to prepare for the first holidays without her. We know we'd be meeting up with her at the cemetery to visit grandma this week and I never thought we were anywhere near visiting her at the cemetery with grandma. I made a wreath for their grave with pictures and sealed them hoping the rain (sure as heck know it won't be snow) won't soak through. It shouldn't be this way yet.
Sometimes I can look at pictures and smile but last week my heart ached as every day was like getting the news all over again. How are all of those wonderful family holidays the Mr and I loved (and groaned through depending on the year) gone? Something so engrained in my soul and the heart of who I am is just never going to happen? It was bad enough learning to adjust to them with grandma's condition and then passing but Mom gone? No. That wasn't even a thought. She just turned 66 and now she's not here anymore? It doesn't help every stupid Christmas movie I've recorded on GAC or Hallmark has at least one dead parent...usually the mom. Thanks. Who the hell wants to see that in a movie anyway? We're trying to escape real life not be reminded of what we lost. I told the Mr if I see one more dead mother movie on either of those effing channels I'm not recording any more of them. Edit: I recorded Navigating Christmas which was supposed to be about a divorcee but nope, throw in the lighthouse keeper with a dead dad and he's riddled with guilt about. Effffff youuuuuuu!!! Done. Hell, we even watched A Christmas Carol and I silently cried because I'm Scrooge with no way to make any meaningful difference to anyone in our lives who count as much as Mom did. This whole thing sucks and we both feel like constant crap.
My friends' Christmas gifts mostly arrived with the last two coming today but the Mr and I stayed in bed until 1pm watching SNL and Sunday Morning. Motivation level- zero. I made brunch which frustrated me because the pancakes stuck to the ceramic green pan because it's shot to hell so I felt like the universe was pointing and laughing. I have uncomfortable weight gain because of the way certain things fit. We were supposed to reign it in this weekend...didn't happen. The Mr has his annual today and I've got mine a week from today where she'll probably tell me my blood is made of high fructose corn syrup and she wants to put me on statins. Take a leap, lady. My body is under constant stress under the best of circumstances but the past few months it is hanging on to weight like it's being paid for it. I'm tired of being uncomfortable but I'm also walking the line of 'who cares?' Not a good place to be. I guess the only good thing is we've kept up our 3 mile walks every day so there's something.
We put on the Menendez trial because apparently nothing soothes me these days than old trials and procedural reruns. Before we knew it, it was time to go for said 3 miler and forgot it was the tree lighting. Luckily, no one was interested much in walking the areas we were so we didn't encounter too many people but we did enjoy hearing the clip clops of the horses pulling bougie mom's with their brats to and fro.
We dropped off a book I'm mailing out to my engaged family member that I like to give my engaged peeps now called We Do. I figure it's worth giving someone the tools to a happy marriage especially when you have a first hand peek into potential issues that you could see coming a mile away but they may not. Who knows if she'll actually read it or not but consider it my attempt to stay relevant in the family.
That bring us to now. I know...party hell in these parts.
How was your weekend?
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I am glad we ended up walking even when my instinct was to leave the area and walk elsewhere. It did end up being fine and it's always nice to hear those clip clops of horses.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are so hard for people who've lost loved ones, but when it's as recent as your losing your mom....there aren't enough words to describe that level of pain and sadness. Hallmark movies are so twisted with trying to combine trauma with merriment. There is no escaping at that point. Good grief.
ReplyDeleteWeekend was super busy, exhausting, and over way too fast. I had a lot to do, so a lot I did, and capped off the very short weekend with 600mg of Ibuprofen and a heating pad (and ice), which actually helped quite a bit as of this morning.