Much Needed Retreat?

If you're a long time reader, you know that since 2018, the Mr and I choose a marriage self help book and typically pick someplace off of the beaten path with land to get away from people.  We cancelled last year due to Mom passing two weeks before so between the year we had just trying to recover from that, normal noise stress from having the neighbors from hell, the stress of starting a new business and having no life for three months basically neglecting the Mr trying to churn out designs, to say we needed the break was the understatement of the year.

Finding a place that fit the description this year was challenging for some reason.  The places we've stayed in the past that may have been available had reasons we wouldn't return like no AC in the bedrooms that was never mentioned, or people who share the property with you that weren't mentioned.   There was this one place that kept catching our eye but it was "downtown" in Podunk but friggin immaculate.

I kept looking for anything else because I just had this nagging feeling with it being at an intersection, it could be trouble.  The point of retreat is to get away from people but nay, the allure of a meticulously designed house with no other real options had us hitting "book" last year.  

I should've known when I got the lengthy pre- check in email a few days before check in (and long after the cancellation window) with an equivalent flowing paper scroll that would equal Santa's shopping list, that this was going to go sideways.  It included making sure we turned on the fan when cooking anything because the fire alarm in the kitchen is "sensitive" and will trigger them all.  Welp, that about killed any want to cook in the house so I pre- cooked several meals we could basically microwave or bake now that a new anxiety had been unlocked for my already sensitive ears.  The other attention grabber being that we were not allowed to use the propane fire pit we booked specifically for s'mores to "grill chicken or marshmallows."  1)  Not mentioned in the listing anywhere 2) who da fuq is grilling chicken on a damn faux log when there's a grill 20' away and 3) thankfully for us we roast our marshmallows, not grill them.   

The day before, I got another email saying to make sure to check the hot tub and fire pit to make sure they were in working order before 5pm. Here's a tip, maybe your effing property manager should be doing that or your cleaning crew before they leave for the day?  So that just set a tone of potential regret before we even got there.  (Oh and the Mr did check them before 5pm and apparently the people from the chick's getaway the day before left the propane on for the fire pit so when the Mr hit the ignition switch, it was like Uncle Gus lit the fire at the Murphy family BBQ.  "He'll be alright, roll the child around." He lost a lot of arm hair and to quote Dan Aykroyd from Ghostbusters "it smells like barbequed dog hair.")

Anyhoo.

When we did get there, we were immediately impressed by the looks of it and were thankful it lived up to listing photos.  It was also immaculately clean which I can tell you has happened maybe twice before.  I unloaded the coolers while the Mr unloaded the car and he was in awe of the place which I was happy about.  I know my happiness faded a bit when on a Thursday, the traffic was unrelenting for an offshoot tourist town at 4pm.  The Mr assured me it would die down.  It did...by 9pm.  So all of the typical relaxing stuff we try to do at the house was going to have the dull roar of what one can only refer to as a secret logging and construction trucker super highway blaring on two sides of the house from 5am to 9pm daily, it turns out.  So much for the break I needed from getting my ears rubbed raw on the daily with earplugs.  The other delight?  While outside, we heard what can only be described as an alarm that would go off at a nuclear power plant.  We gave it time and went out a few hours later.  Oh... dueling cicadas...in the tree beside the house... and we've discovered their hive.  It sounded like this but with no break and it was right in the back patio area we'd been looking forward to in the yard shared with a dog and child.  The other thing I always forget is how low they make couches.  When we got our couches, the first thing we did was put 6" legs on them.  This couch?  Which beckoned me with it's cozy look was so low to the floor I had to cross my legs Indian style to sit on it and getting up from it with bum legs??  Pssht.  I was Randy from A Christmas Story in full snow suit trying to roll off.

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The other immediate issue was it had those blinds that gives the illusion of privacy but at night, you bet your sweet bippy everyone can see everything you're doing.  Y'all know the ones I'm talking about.  If I can see Willard picking a wedgie during the day across the street through these lowered shades, you know dang well anyone passing by can see us if we have the lights on.  Well, the other problem with that is for someone who needs blackout blinds to sleep, the second the inkling of a butt crack of dawn greets the day, I will be up.  (Eye masks don't work for me.)  I did not account for the blaring street lights surrounding the property which lit up the room when the lights were off.  The Mr looked for light blankets to tuck into the window valances and got it to an acceptable level for sleeping.  At least the wall mounted fan would provide some white noise.  We turned it on and it was like being in an airplane hangar on high so we grabbed the remote.  Dead battery and not a common one.  FML

One I did to myself is I was too lazy to strip the sheets the second we got there and wash them in our free and clear detergent which bit me in the ass immediately.  My body was itchy and by 5am when I discovered when the loggers come through, my throat was burning.  Ahhh, relaxation.  We walked the 'downtown' area for 45 minutes and it started out okay but halfway through the feet were really killing me and we needed to grab some stuff from the grocery to take back which was a bit of a detour.  Even though it was cooler than the previous weeks, the sun was beating down pretty hard and the new to me sunscreen was failing.  So it was pretty much just heating up what we brought and relaxing because walking wasn't happening.  We did some geocaching and got a lot more in than usual so that was fun just seeing parts of the area we might not have.  

We went to go out back and enjoy the outdoor area in the evening and heard this incessant thud every 30 seconds.  We couldn't tell if it was rifle shots, someone practicing for their cornhole competition at a furious pace, axe throwing or log splitting but it was constant...for 3 hours...every night.  So if relaxing outside was already ruined by semi traffic passing every 3-5 minutes and dueling nuclear alarm cicadas on the regular then the whatever the hell that noise was from 5-8/8:30pm every night put the nail in that coffin.  While we liked the house, there were just too many elements atmosphere wise as well as things in the owner's control that don't vibe with what we need for retreats.  (The Mr reminded me the water pressure was crap which meant no proper cleaning of the giblets when you're used to a hand held that will blow your hoo ha into next week.)

When we finally did get to the book I got for it, it became clear after 2 chapters that 1) they were going to keep regurgitating everything they already said 2) they have ZERO credentials other than they're still married and 3) the male portion of the writing team basically only had input on the first chapter then dropped out and the stories told about him were less than worth emulating.  That sucks to pay for something that isn't what you thought it was which is why I'm not going to recommend that one.  I'll recommend this one from a previous retreat.  But that book did give us some good talking points for things we've needed to discuss so there's that.  Unfortunately because of how much we I was trying to unbunge my irritation with all that was wrong with that place and why can I never seem to get the relaxation I need (remembering the house we rented in May being bombarded with construction on all sides) meant the retreat portion felt rushed.  It was us trying to barrel through the book in one day.  We did talk about it a little the next morning too before going out for the day.  At that point, we felt that last day-itis where you try to cram everything in before it's over.  Once we were able relax to some degree, we did enjoy our time together.  We found another rental by the same place and while it looks good on paper, there are warning signs once we drove by it.  Looks like it could be quieter but there's a hotel parking lot where buses park about 3 doors down as well as a byway that runs past the backyard and I don't know that's going to give us what we need.   Regardless, it was nice for a change of pace even if it wasn't what we were hoping for all around.

The search for the next one begins.

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