It was 2 am the night before when it popped into my head that I forgot to do a blog. Because I wasn't in the mood to adrenalize when I was already having trouble going to sleep, I thought y'all could survive a day without me. ;-)
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The previous night we had a frustrating evening with someone and ended up talking for 90 minutes upon our return before hitting the hay. Don't you love when you have someone you can just yammer on and on with and know they "get it?" I digress. I've said it before, I'll say it again...if you have people in your life whether friends, co-workers or family that you have been having the same negative conversation about but different decades...distance yourself or cut them off. Seriously.
I know if it's family that is much more difficult than friends or coworkers but it shouldn't be. If you have people committing the same emotional crimes against you over and over, you say you're done and then you constantly either have them in your life or engage in conversations about them- keeping them in your life by default, it is the same as going back to an emotionally abusive relationship. You would tell your friend to get out of that hot mess and they deserve better. If they continually go back to the person, you reach a point where you're like "look, sh*t or get off the pot. I'm not listening to it anymore." I have a range of people in my life whom I love dearly but we're still having the same conversation about crap they've chosen to put up with for decades and the only action they take is griping to others or getting other people stressed out or riled up. Who has time for that?? People need to take responsibility for the crap they choose to put up with and you can't fault others who don't have as hard of a time saying "nope, not gonna listen to/deal with it anymore."
I have had a diagnosed stress disorder for almost 20 years and it's been NO picnic. I have chosen to go holistic in my approach which means no meds. My body will revolt on me in various ways to let me know "sorry, can't deal...shutting down." The one positive side effect it's had is it forces me to listen to my body and to cut out unnecessary BS...doctors orders. I admit, it has meant distancing myself from people I love dearly but it has made me take stock of those relationships as well. How good is a relationship when you end up bitching about them for several hours after each visit? How are they enriching your life if they make you feel like your opinion isn't valued or refuse to even hear your point of view? We all like to think we're right and I was the worst in my early life. I got it honestly from both parents but as I got older, I stopped worrying about being right and worried more about being compassionate to those whom I respected. That is one of the biggest things I miss about my grandma is that even though we were on opposite sides of the political spectrum if God forbid her hubby brought up something political that we knew for a fact he was misinformed on, then we'd speak up. (I'm not talking a difference of opinion, I mean if someone told you with absolute certainty that the sky is bright green.) He would usually disagree or mumble but my grandma would say "I never thought of it like that" or "I didn't know that." It's not that we'd change her mind and that wasn't the goal anyway, it's that she respected us enough to say that we made her think in a new way or may have taught her something. When she respected someone's opinion, she was open to receiving information even if that meant she may have been wrong. To me, that is the kind of relationship that feeds your soul.
I found myself in bed, thinking about the night and things that were said that upset me and my heart raced. So I listened to my body. I took in a deep breath of my new essential oil diffuser (affiliate link) (thanks, SK!) with my "worry free" oil blend (affiliate link) and slowed my breathing. I told myself "you are not responsible for the lack of action of other people. Worrying about what other people should do is only going to keep you awake with a racing heart and mind. Give it over to God, you are not in control." Almost instantly my heart stopped beating out of my chest, my facial muscles relaxed a bit and I was easily able to divert my attention. Of course, it didn't help me to get to sleep because then I obsessed over everything from my to do list to why hasn't that stray cat come back to visit, so I didn't get solid sleep again. I'm hoping knocking a few things off the list today and tomorrow will allow me to get some sleep...eventually.
I found it a little ironic that at one point when I found empathy for the object of the ire of the person we were talking with that I said the point of life was to learn from your mistakes, get better with age and find peace. They whole heartedly agreed and said they didn't know why that person couldn't do that. I wanted to turn to them and say "maybe for the same reason you can't?" Nope...let it go.
How do you find ways to let go of things and situations you can't change?
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Glad you are back today, I missed You! I have this conversation with my oldest often. I tell him that the more people that love You, regardless of how imperfect they Are, the better off you are. I don't get offended easily and just accept people as they are. You can't hug every cat unfortunately. Sounds cold but works for me. My brother I tell him I am having a complaint free day, only having positive conversations. Sometimes I stop people midsentece and ask them to tell me about the good things that are happening in their lives. I also have the mantra that says if I can't control it, I can't worry about it. Easier said than done, this I know. I stopped offering advice unless asked, that was a hard one to learn.
ReplyDeleteI don't give others the power to ruin my day.
Have a fabulous day!
It really is best just to let go of what you cannot control and I try to take this approach with people too. It's kind of like the frustration you feel when you see a situation that you can sense the outcome of but you are powerless to do anything to stop it. All you can do is try to be there to help in the aftermath. But in the case of certain people who are continually in this struggle, it is best to steer clear so you don't get swallowed up in it.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a large family or a large circle of friends. Those that I'm close to are pretty drama free (or maybe drama light), at least around me. I know most people around me have a higher drama tolerance than I do, and for the most part my friends respect that. My folks are totally down to earth and what you are talking about - they can't possibly agree with or like everyone, but they also never have a bad word to say about anyone and are willing to listen to wildly different points of view and maybe learn something. Even if that "something" is that some people really and truly believe some crazy things.
ReplyDeleteOnce in a while I get sucked into something, and then I stress out and don't sleep well for a while until whatever it is finally gets settled. Not a great way to handle stress, but I bet you understand.
Ha! Just got to this in my email -- how timely. I, too, have had this in my life, and the best way for me to know if I feel good about the boundaries I've set is if I absolutely dread seeing this person because of the drama involved, and the lack of 2-way conversation, and then I go quite a while not seeing them...and feel relief. When I really don't miss the person and am just thankful to not be embroiled in the b.s., then I know there's no point in re-engaging. I've definitely had to let go of some serious control issues on my end in this regard and keep reminding myself to "clean up my side of the street", and if I'm busy working on myself, I don't have time or energy to focus on them, and I'm able to have more peace that way. I also have a visual in my head of my "safe place" that includes sights, sounds, smells, emotions, etc., and that helps bring down the stress level when I'm in the moment.
ReplyDelete