Yesterday was a day. I believe I uttered the phrase "THIS DAY IS A FLAMING TAINT!!!" I wasn't even halfway through it. I threw an egg at the wall and crushed one (both hard boiled) in my hand. It was just irritation after irritation and I'm gonna admit, I stress ate.
I was making a rustic apple pie and cut a small piece to take pics...and then I ate it. I don't regret it a bit because it was so good and gave me the only thing that worked to bring my rage down. I don't recommend it, it's not going to be my go to method for dealing with the poop swirl around me but it's not like I busted open a bag of Oreos and blew through them. I'm just glad that even though I knew I was going to indulge in a small piece I didn't spend the rest of the day beating myself up. I tracked it and it fit into my calories.
The next few days will be a hard few days for me anyway. It was 10 years ago today that we had to put our dog to sleep. We actually chose the day because it was two days before the anniversary of the passing of my father in law, which will be 13 years Saturday. We figured why not just have one big crapfest of emotions at the same time instead of spreading it throughout the year. I still remember the day like it was yesterday though I don't like to think about it. I'm sure any of you who have had to choose to let go of your pet know what I'm talking about. It haunts you. Time doesn't erase those final moments, the ones you don't allow yourself to think about or you will spiral. Instead, you have to think of the moment as the ultimate final act of love. It's hard because of the second guessing but there does come a point where you can look back objectively and know you did the right thing.
Wanna see something pathetic?
Can't bring myself to throw them out. They're kind of part of the cabinetry at this point. Every time I get a plate, I don't look at it and think of the dog, it's like wallpaper now. Honestly, I probably won't throw them out for another four years which will be the point when she's been gone as long as she was here. Dad is always bittersweet because we obviously miss him but his amazing spirit is so strong, sometimes it feels like he's still here. Actually, I know he is because the Mr is just like him and is the epitome of who Dad was...down to the occasional cheesy joke or coming off like he knows what he's talking about instead of just saying I don't know. ;-)
How do you recover from a bad day?
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Mid-September is always a little tough given the reminders we have of who we've lost. But in a sense it's also a good time to remember them as well and I suppose it keeps us balanced. I had never had a dog before and had no idea what I was in for when we lost her. Never really "over" any loss but so tough to lose a beloved pet when you cannot explain anything to them in terms of why you think you're doing the best thing for them, out of love.
ReplyDeleteAfter having gone through losing two dogs (I truly believe my first dog let go once she knew you were going to be there for me), my heart just can't take it. Though I admit I know my quality of life has gone down not having a dog...but with a terrier, so has my stress level to a degree! LOL
DeleteOh I so hate the Angelversaries! Hubby's wallet and keys remain on top of the fridge, over 6 years now. The can of ginger ale sits in the fridge, his bottle of cologne on my dresser. Saturday would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I had a girl's bonfire to blur out the pain. I am so sorry for the pain you feel. My pain comes in anticipation of the day, not the actual day.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, savor those memories.
I would do absolutely the same thing. My heart breaks for you because I can't even imagine and it's not fair that any of us has to lose our "person." Happy Anniversary. I know he was there with you, loving you always.
DeleteThank you, you are so kind!
DeleteOur dog-son is 11 years old this month and he's had a difficult health year. Breaks my heart. It's a big loss and I know it will be devastatingly hard when the time comes. My heart goes out to you. Making the decision to let a pet go peacefully is such a moment of grace ... and I believe they understand and feel that love. I hope her memories bring you some smiles today too.
ReplyDeleteAww, I hope the pup gets better soon! (They're always pups no matter their age.) It truly is a moment of grace. It's a time when you have to put your own selfishness of wanting them here to doing what is merciful. Our girl was in so much pain, she couldn't even be pet anymore. It was an awful existence and I only wish we'd done it a little sooner for her sake.
DeleteI'm sorry you're going to have a rough week. I'm glad those eggs were hard boiled - but I bet raw ones would have been more satisfying to throw/crush. It is hard to lose animals - I've lost my fair share over the years. 3 much beloved cats and 2 dogs in addition to my childhood pets - they were all part of the family and all are missed. The only other option though is to not have the joy of pets at all, and I'm not willing to do that.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a great way of coping with hard days. I stress eat as often as not, generally chocolate, and that's not a good solution for me. I need to find better ways to cope.
They would've but more of nightmare to clean! LOL Her loss hurt so bad, we've both said we can't go through it again at least not right now. Plus we travel too much for it to be fair to any one and we're not those "the dogs MUST come with us" people.
DeleteHey if the chocolate is over 70% cacao then it's medicinal. Flavanoids! :D
Oh boy, can I relate to all of this. We lost our dog two days after Christmas in 2008, then I lost my job four days after that. I remember those moments in the vet's office so clearly. And to this day, I haven't been able to bring myself to do the memorial book that I'm sitting looking at right now on the dresser. I kept his medicine for years, and we have a bin in the basement of all of his favorite toys, collars, etc., that I can't bring myself to go through. My mom lost her dog years ago and every single Christmas she put out his wrapped rawhide bone under the tree. I now have it and I put it out too (although I have to put it up in the tree because my two try to sniff it out!) lol I'm sending you big hugs, my friend, because I know that kind of pain and it never does go away.
ReplyDeleteYep, we've got her "pretties" (collar covers) in her little "going to Grandma's" suitcase and when that came out she knew we were going on a trip and she was going to get to break all the rules at Granny's. No way am I ever getting rid of that. Sometimes you just want to curl up with that stuff and feel the comfort/love. I've got two memorial books (I didn't get a big enough one so it spilled over) so I'll have to get those out tonight. Though I can't look at the ones from the last year of her life, especially the last picture. She was under my legs peeking out from under a blanket looking at the Mr, crying. It is the one picture that will break me every time. Thankfully at the vets before we went in, she got one burst of energy to run into the petunias and smell them, her favorite thing. Almost as reminder not to forget to stop and smell the flowers. Of course it made us want to scoop her up and run the other direction.
DeleteI would be prepared that your pups and going to find a way to get the spirit bone! I can see them calculating a formula in their heads.