Welp, I've officially been in therapy for two months! Did y'all have a pool as to whether I'd make it that long or quit after 5 visits which is apparently the average? I do televisits because if I have to physically go somewhere for one more damn appointment, I'm gonna lose it. Heck, some days even signing on feels like a chore. I really like my therapist. She's nice, my age, a professor so I know she knows her stuff and she's not one of those ones who nods their heads and writes everything down never giving feedback. (I mean she writes a lot down but you know what I mean.) Like when I tell her what a flaming shrew my MIL is, she drops her jaw, widens her eyes and gives me confirmation that's accurate when I tell her stories. She also has no problem giving me a different perspective but so far those haven't worked well for her. HA! Like she'll give me an example of "well they were probably just with that person and seeing the other person was just a side effect so it seems like they spent more time with them purposely."
"No, they literally traveled to every show, play, football game, etc. There was no side bonus, it was purposeful."
So I guess I'm glad that the people pleaser side of me doesn't kowtow and say nothing when what she's saying isn't right or doesn't apply to the situation because of lack of context. I gots NO PROBLEM giving context, yo! Obviously I don't want someone who just nods and agrees with me all of the time either because that isn't helpful but I also want her to understand the proof I have to back up my feelings.
The initial session was basically her telling me the expectations of therapy and filling out paperwork in addition to what I already filled out. She told me to make a list of traumas above and beyond the main ones I listed. It took FOUR sessions to get through those. What I did learn is that if I have an agenda of what I want to talk about in my head, I can't tell her if any little blip popped up during the week. She looks for things in those blips to focus on and then before I know it, 30 minutes has gone by and you only have 50 on most days and then you can't talk about the stuff you wanted to. After two sessions of getting my in-laws traumas pushed back, she was like "so anything come up this week?" I'm like "yeah, I'm having a lot of anxiety about how I want to get the in-law traumas crossed of the list and it's been pushed off twice so I've been stressed out all week!" I am dainty. No?
One tool she's been having me use is tapping which some of you who may have gone through EMDR therapy might be a little familiar with. She's essentially taking a portion of that therapy and having me do it daily to 'rewire' my brain with what she views as my three highest anxieties and basically having me do mantras for 60 seconds per session. So let's say someone's three are "I am safe- I belong with loving people-I am good enough" then you would say "I am safe" either out loud or in your head while tapping your shoulders alternating, not together for 60 seconds. Then move on to the next one. She said it takes about 3 weeks for people's train of thought to start to switch to which my brain responded...'challenge accepted.' I'm in week three now and I'll say I haven't noticed a major difference yet but I'm also doing horribly on the second part of that which is writing those same things and leaving them around the house to find as a reminder. The house is SO....MESSY and coated in a layer of construction dust
that I don't even know where I would put them to find. Maybe on the milk, silverware, on the remote. I don't know. So I admit, I'm not doing that part of it yet and I need to. Bad me. *smack*
I will say, one thing that gets on my nerves, and I think this is universal, but if I'm told I'm "human" one more time, I'm going to burn it all down. Yes. I'm aware I'm human but when you tell me that, you also invalidate my feelings like 'sorry, you're nothing special, we all go through it.' Like when I said I was the queen of procrastination she said "we all are. We just tell ourselves we're the worst at it." Well no. I can see by your office, which is messy and looks the same every time, that you too have a procrastination problem. I told her the evidence to the contrary was my friend who talks about running errands, doing her 'chores' (cleaning) and winding down. I said "chores...what are those? We have just enough room to prepare meals and/or eat and the house is eating us whole everywhere else." So see, I know it's not ALL humans who are procrastinating because she doesn't. My grandma didn't. I think sometimes the fact that she and I are so alike makes her think that everything she thinks about her own life might apply to me but it doesn't. BECAUSE we're all human, we're all different. We all filter through our own experiences, hardships, losses, successes, etc which is why you have neat freaks, weekly cleaners, cleaners when someone will see it but otherwise don't care and hoarders who have a flattened cat they haven't seen in 13 months. If we were all human in the way she says it to me, we'd all be robots reacting the exact same way. So yeah, that's about the only annoyance I have.
My goal is to collect as many tools as I can from her this year because once that deductible met period is over, I'm NOT paying $160 per session which is what it would cost based off of the claims. Nope. So I guess I don't know if I will get quite what I thought I would out of it as far as answers I feel I need because I fear her answer will be "you're human" or "you're just going to have to accept you'll never know why" or give me an answer about someone she's never met and give a wrong assessment that will just piss me off. I wasn't sure how that would go but it all tracks. Who knows, things may change on that front especially if I continue to challenge her when I disagree. She literally says at least once per session "who is the therapist? Whose session is this?" jokingly because the things I say are very therapist like or she'll end up talking to me about something of hers. It's just funny. I don't know if it's what I thought it would be or not, I think I need a few more months to assess it or bring up very specific scenarios to see her take but I assume I will likely be done by year's end unless some epiphany happens.
I'm glad I'm doing it and my taking that step has empowered one of my friends to do it as well which is a HUGE step for her. She's dealt with a lot of crap and has opened up a lot to me which has been nice given she's always liked to kind of live in her own world on that front. So I hope we continue our talks as we both feel it's beneficial for our healing.
Have you ever been in therapy? Any tips, tricks or questions I should ask my therapist to get the most out of my sessions?
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