The Problem with Toxic Positivity

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As the calendar flips, there is a natural tendency to veer toward hope.  It's supposed to be a clean slate and anything is possible is how we typically look at January.  But this January is different from all of the others.  The reality is we're still going through a pandemic and have a ways to go before that's going to be in our rear view.  Because of pandemic fatigue and people wanting to 'go back to normal', we all just want to forget about what 2020 represented on many levels and many don't want to hear it anymore.  

"Smile!  It's a new year!"

"Nothing is as bad as 2020!"

"You have a roof over your head and food to eat, be grateful!"

This act of trying to stifle people's feelings in that moment because the person they tried to confide in may be uncomfortable with emotion is called "toxic positivity."  It doesn't apply only to the current situation of the pandemic but people have been doing this for ages.  Someone dies and you hear "they're in a better place", "they lived a long life" or "they wouldn't want you to be unhappy."  Um, I just lost someone I care deeply about and will never see again...not okay.  Someone loses their job and it's "something better is around the corner", "stay focused, you'll find something soon", "they didn't deserve you anyway."  Yes, but some people have been unemployed for a long time, lost their homes and need money to you know, survive.  It doesn't even have to be something life altering to have people try to dump their truckload of rainbows on your feelings.  

I remember when someone in my family made a comment about something I posted (not negative but a funny and only slightly sarcastic meme...shocking, I know) and how it was "her birthday month... positive vibes only."  I considered it a victory that I didn't shoot back, "look sweet stuff, I know you're going through your quarter life crisis right now (not projecting-she truly is) and reading all of the positive articles to put a different spin on things which I am all for; however I know for a fact you don't live your life by what you preach online so no comment necessary."  I have a right to say what I want in my own space even if it isn't in line with someone's 'positive vibes'.  Scroll past it.   Do you know how many things people say that I don't agree with and just because I don't agree doesn't mean I need to comment on it.  If I commented on every single thing I didn't agree with, I'd be in a cave ex-communicated from probably all family and friends and anyone else who came along.  Not long after her response, I saw something similar to this on Instagram...

I resisted the urge to throw that back in her face (see!...positivity!) but felt it deep in my soul.  I get so sad or frustrated when I ask someone how they're doing, especially when I know they've been going through a loss of some kind or have been having a hard time lately, and get "fine."  They don't need to go through something tragic though for me to want to know if they need to talk.  It would be perfectly fine for them to say "man, this week has just been one thing after another and I'm kind of tired of the shit, ya know?"  How lovely to be able to respond with "do you need to talk about it?  Maybe pop open an adult beverage for us to enjoy across the miles?  Do I need to get a voodoo doll for you?  Whatever you need, I'm here" instead of "chin up, it'll get better!  Now let's get to me."

But I get why people are reluctant to share, many of us have been programmed since childhood to do the same thing.  If you want to see how many people are truly struggling not just with loss but everyday life, this post on a page I visit will open your eyes to how many people around us are in pain.  (At the time I looked, 43K comments on that post and literally, all it took was for a stranger to ask how they honestly were doing.)  I cried reading some of it the first few days.  I was tempted to say "wow, what I'm going through is nothing compared to these people", which is also conditioning of growing up with the mentality of encouraging burying any feeling that could make someone uncomfortable but that does no one any good. This is not a contest on who is struggling or stressing out over what more and the cause behind it.  One type of sadness does not eclipse another just because it might be lesser on the gut punch scale.  Anything that disrupts or distracts from our lives is worth talking about with someone who has a willing ear/eyes.  I was encouraged on that post by the amount of men who bared their souls about pandemic divorces and feeling like failures as fathers.  Society teaches them to "be a man/suck it up" and expressing your feelings is "sissy stuff" when it is the absolute most important thing a man can do  to be vulnerable and say "I'm struggling too."  (This is not in any way diminishing what women go through, just to say that men so rarely speak about/acknowledge it, especially with their real names attached.)

Sadly, before 2020 happened, if you weren't riding a unicorn, farting rainbows and sharing the perfect social media life, many considered that a failure even though their own lives looked nothing like what they expected from others.  How screwed up is that!?  It puts so much pressure on social media versions of yourself, reduces your chances of reaching out when you need it and that just sucks.  With almost a year under our pandemic belts, I think people have a better idea of what those of us with anxiety and/or depression issues have gone through for years. Sadly, there is still a long way to go with stigma so some have dismissed it and say it's "only temporary and will be better once the pandemic is over."  How nice to have that option.  Sigh.  The problem is, even if you share something that is educational but isn't necessarily positive, you find out real quick who supports you completely and who doesn't.  

When I once shared something about struggles people with anxiety have to allow people to understand how your brain reacts differently and what you're thinking vs what others are assuming...ONE family member liked it and it was someone I haven't seen in probably 10 years.  It took me almost a week to get the courage to even post that due to anxiety and feeling exposed because I knew what the response would be from those you're taught will always have your back...nothing.  It feels like "oh, this isn't happy, I don't like that and it's too much for me to hit the sad icon over the thumbs up.  Don't acknowledge, it'll go away."  These are from people who like every single thing I posted otherwise so you feel abandoned or rejected.  Gee, wonder why I pulled back?  

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Far too many people don't reveal their struggles for fear they'll get labeled as a "drama queen" or "attention whore" if they actually admit they're occasionally struggling.  I do know some people who never have anything good or positive to say ever and that is a different thing.  I used to get sucked into it but I don't anymore so I wish them well and limit my exposure to them.  With those who are constantly embroiled in some kind of drama they can't wait to spill or spin blame to everyone but themselves, placing clear boundaries must be the priority.  I will admit I am guilty of deflection with empathy with negative people but that is at holiday time.  ("I'm so sorry you're going through that, I pray things will get better for you" and offer a hug or "damn, that jacket looks really good on you!"  Nothing deflects better than telling someone how awesome they look.)  I have zero problems talking about what is bothering someone 362 days out of the year but for holidays, can we just enjoy those and focus on being together as a family?  I don't feel like that is too much to ask for someone who just asks for some peace the few times a year they see their family as a whole.  

I digress.

The point is, being positive is fine and dandy but people are also allowed to feel even if it's not so chipper at that moment in time.  Processing the feelings instead of being told to snap out of it like they're burdening people with their existence is by far the more healthy option.  By negating their need to be heard and someone trying to fix the bad thing so we can all go back to smiling and pretending everything is okay, isn't helpful, it's actually hurtful.  They are being taught that they can't rely on you and if everyone around them seems to suffer from that and many do, then it can feel quite isolating.  You don't want to be a burden so you keep quiet.  Those thoughts can take a toll after a while.  The Mr and I always say when one of us has a less than proud emotion that we share, "I know that's horrible but..." and the other always says "you're entitled to your feelings.  That doesn't make it wrong."  Always.  But sometimes people need to know even just one person will allow them to pull off the mask and actually listen and still love them anyway.  I am lucky I have two people in my life who allow me to do that and truly don't judge me for it.  I know some people don't even have that and for that I am truly sorry.

The term toxic positivity isn't something I made up.  I read quite a few articles about it before getting inspired to word barf on this post about it.  If you've rolled your eyes at this anywhere, it might behoove you to read a few of them.  (But I know most of you haven't because you're good peeps!)  

If you want to know more about the concept of toxic positivity and how you can better support someone in your life, check out these articles below:

‘Toxic Positivity’ Is Real — and It’s a Big Problem During the Pandemic

Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes

When does a good attitude become toxic positivity?

Toxic Positivity: Don't Always Look on the Bright Side

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