Survival Mode Put Us Back to Zero

A lot of you came here many moons ago when I left Sparkpeople.  I loved the community of that place and the support I got there.  It was at the height of us being on our game.  That motivation you have in the beginning when you're consistently rewarded with weight loss, smaller clothes, compliments to keep your motivation high and you somehow begin to step out of being invisible to the public to people smiling at you, opening doors or striking up conversation.  You start to feel human.  You don't have to worry about going to restaurants or 'fitting' somewhere.  You can go to a wedding and see those God awful thin folding chairs and while you still don't like them, you're not concerned.  Many of your worries that fit people never had to think of, have faded away.  We started for the long haul in our 30's and that's when we had the most success, losing 226 and 190 lbs respectively.  When we went on vacation, as long as we came back and got right back to it within 2-4 weeks, we'd have the vacation weight off.  We were optimistic by the time we reached our 50's, even if we weren't at goal weight (whatever that is,) we'd be strong and able to fend off many things that people who didn't work out dealt with.  Those were the good old days.

Fast forward to being able to vacation several times a year starting in 2012 and each time eating like they were banning food when we got back.  We got stuck in a pattern of needing to get the weight off and if we happened to get 5-10 lbs ahead, it was time for the next vacation so we were basically stuck in a holding pattern for a decade.  We always did our workouts.  We weren't great at strength training but always got in twice a week.  I could always feel my muscles through my fat which made me feel like I wasn't a total failure.  I've fought consistent leg issues since 2011, reaching the height at 2012 when I was diagnosed with Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome which thankfully a fluke trip to a chiropractor ended up getting me through that period.  Because I work from home, I suffer from extraordinarily tight calf muscles due to sitting all day.  I know I need to constantly do physical therapy, stretching, digging, scraping and anything else to keep those muscles pliable.  After doing those things for a week or two with no improvement, I always backslide.  Throw in home renovations, many of them going wrong or taking way longer than anticipated and it has pretty much been constant stress since 2017 on that front.  We've never really had a clean home for more than a week or two because we'd tackle the next project that should've been easy then tools, boxes and stuff were swallowing us whole.   We had nowhere to just exhale and of course, the pandemic thing.  Something that, because of health conditions, we still have to follow while everyone else trots on their merry way then wonders why we have a spike every single year 10 days after the 4th of July then just starts to pull back in time for the mondo holiday spike.

Fast forward again to the horrific, one month of absolute traumatic hell ending with the unnecessary death of my mom at 66 years old and that was that.  For six months I could barely function much less do anything more than a lap or two at a park when nudged by the Mr. That happened in the middle of another renovation and, as a result, our house became this time capsule of projects interrupted.  Projects we had no desire or mental ability to finish for almost a year.  Then those unfinished projects became reminders of that time and all of the emotions that come with it.  We pushed forward and every single thing we needed to do fought us and fought us hard.  It was harrowing but in some weird way, it also was a distraction from the horror of what we'd been through with Mom.  I went through therapy with two therapists and honestly, I got little out of it in the long run.  I got some good ADHD tools from the second one but once this year flipped over and the deductible wasn't met, I couldn't go from paying $15 per session to $187.  This year has marked a time of complete chaos at the Mr's job to the point every single day, we wondered if he'd have a job at the end of the day.  That still hasn't really changed but you can imagine that between having to cancel the vacation we were looking forward to so we could FINALLY decompress after a bathroom reno gone south and the daily stress of his situation, that things went further off course for us.  I say us but it was me.  I didn't want to cook so we'd go out an extra time or two over a week.  Snacks might be lower cal or maybe not.  Who cares anymore?  He didn't.  It sounds good and he's not only under that stress but also the stress of this big test he'd been studying for since November and barely had the brain cells to do more than connect to the Matrix plug on the couch.  We were in complete and utter survival mode again.  Looking forward to every night when we could just go upstairs and zone out on some stupid show we'd stumble upon and binge it.  It was like I was put on statins in December and then took on the attitude of "let's see if you can handle THIS" (insert whatever thing I shouldn't be eating.)  Then you have that thought of "well, I can also die tomorrow as has been demonstrated by my mom starting one month and dying the first day of the next one.  Believe me when I tell you a lot of justification and "I don't care anymore" went into the first 6 1/2 months of this year.

We hadn't done a single strength session April '24 to May '25.  Not one.  It showed.  Immediately upon our return from vacation in May 2024, I began my vein procedures which lasted until the end of the year.  I had restrictions from lifting afterward.  I remember on our holiday vacation while trying to stand up from sledding down a hill that my leg and butt muscles were absolute jello and I cried.  You would think that would've kicked my butt into gear but with the job situation, the depression spun further out of control and my pain intensified.  I could no longer feel my muscles through my fat.  Mobility was screeching to a halt due to cuboid syndrome which feels like each time you take a step or stand up, a railroad spike is being hammered into the joint in the outside middle of your foot.  Do you know how much that makes you NOT want to be on your feet?  A lot.  We did still walk quite a bit over the winter and early spring but it got to a point where our projects were counting for our workouts and when we were done with those, we didn't pick workouts up again.  Like for a whole month or so.  That hasn't happened before.  When I went for my vulvoscopy the first week in June, I tried not to look at the scale but still saw the number and tried hard not to cry.  I was up 20 lbs in two months.  This was the two months where our finances were threatened the most and it was clear what we both turned to for comfort as a week later the Mr reluctantly weighed in and was also 20 lbs higher.  I didn't need a scale to tell me I was higher.  Nothing fit anymore.  My spare tire was bigger than it's been in quite some time.  My endurance was low.  Places were rubbing that usually didn't, that sort of thing.  We were going down a slippery slope and needed to start somewhere.  We decided to do strength training that week.  Just a test session with 10 lbs to see where we were.  It was bad.  Last week, we did two sessions, legs and shoulders from LIIFT 4 and I started adding the bike back in there as well.  It was humbling having to use 5, 8 and 10 lbs when you're used to using 15, 20 and 25's most of the time. 

I wish I liked strength training more but I don't.  (At least not yet.)  Maybe that's because I never do it enough to see any real results from it but I am now at the age I don't have a choice.  It makes me angry because we started this back in 2008 so that we wouldn't be this age and having issues and here we are.  I could have never in my life predicted my mom wouldn't be here to see me celebrate 50 when I can remember her epic 50th party I threw for her almost 18 years ago.  I couldn't imagine the constant slide into the abyss on so many levels.  As the Mr said a week ago, these past 7 years have been absolute hell and he's right.  Sans our 25th anniversary that we forced ourselves to do right when it could only be a party of two in 2021.  It's hard not to think that it was supposed to be an epic party as well as all we ever talked about was renewing our vows on Kauai and having a big reception when we got back.  It's hard not to get tangled up in all of that stuff and expectation vs reality.  The constant uncertainty we face every day on every level.  The garden that was supposed to save my sanity being inundated by aphids, radishes that refuse to bulb (we've gotten two out of 12 initial ones planted) and spinach that is "so easy to grow" hasn't done a damn thing.  Impatiens I grew from seed to save money were the wrong thing sent to me and I had to spend the money anyway to get some color out there and attract pollinators with some other flowers.  Everything in the house fights me, why not outside too?  It's feeling like that constantly contributes to the f*ck it attitude but I know we're at a crossroads.  I know we can't continue down this path exercise/food wise and yet it's so hard to dig out when the motivation isn't there.  It's hard to look at the dumpster fire around us and not get depressed further.  

We're on week three of strength training with walks thrown in when it's not too hot out.  I did the bike both days on the weekend and want to keep that up in general.  I feel like we're back at zero even though I know we're not weight wise but it wouldn't take much to get back there if we're not careful.  I already don't like how I feel.  I tried doing a dead bug the other day for core and just holding my knees in the air almost killed me trying to keep my core locked.  I used to do that for fun after a workout just stretching out my lower back!  It's all very discouraging but we have to start somewhere.  I know we need to clean and that didn't happen like I said last weekend because again, nothing has a home because everything is a mess.  Yes I could move stuff downstairs but to where?  It's a mess from the reno and being a holding zone.  There's so much to tackle from every angle and it all feels paralyzing.  

Edit:  After having the Mr proofread this post Monday, instead of napping he went down and did stuff in the basement while I worked on a corner in the kitchen.  We then went down and did our first Turbo Fire 45 EZ workout and wow.  My heart rate got to peak levels with very little effort doing half the effort of the moderator.  Is it bad when you look at your watch and the screen says:

source

I swear I was actually scared that was the case.  I didn't feel overworked or out of breath which was the scary part.  My heart rate should not have been at 157 with as little effort as I was putting into it.  My resting heart rate is 70 which is about 7 higher than typical but considered healthy by medical standards.  You can bet I will be working on my cardio as well even though everyone tries to say it doesn't really matter anymore.  That was a wake up call.  Again.

I miss the Sparkpeople me.  I miss the person that inspired others and was kicking ass and taking names.  I don't know where she went and I don't know how to find her again.

Thanks for listening.

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