Thursday, September 29, 2016

"I just squeed myself"

Those were the words I uttered last night as I perused Target's website to take a gander at Beekman 1802's new farmhouse collection.  They have a lot of adorable pieces but you guys know from my last current crushes that I've got my eye out for dishes for some reason.

I saw these and about keeled...
I have always kind of loved a toile look and that's what this reminded me of.  How cute is this serving bowl?

I also love this serving tray long time...

I thought how pretty this would be with some fresh picked apples on them having a fruit platter instead of a bowl.  I am hoping they have these currently in store because we have to go to Target Saturday and I want to see if they're as gorgeous in person as they are on the website.  If you want to take a gander at their farmhouse collection for the kitchen, click here.  (Not an affiliate link)

What has made you squee lately?

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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Movie Night(s)

We took advantage of a sweet gift I got for my birthday in the form of a video store gift card.  Since the summer movie season has kind of sucked rocks, I had to wait until the end of the month to use it.

These are the flicks we've watched over the past few days...

Mothers and Daughters- (Susan Sarandon, Selma Blair, Sharon Stone, Courteney Cox, Christina Ricci)  I thought I saw the trailer for this one but as we got into it, it didn't look familiar to me.  I'm gonna admit, it was slow at times and kind of depressing but it did pick up.  If you have a complicated relationship with your mom, it might hit too close to home.  It also has dementia involved which left me in a quivering heap so's not necessarily the feel good movie of the year but it will make you think.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising- (Seth Rogen, Zac Efron, Rose Byrne, ChloĆ« Grace Moretz)  The sequel to the original Neighbors movie kept us both laughing quite a bit throughout.  The Mr is not a fan of movies where people get screwed in real life situations but a reversal of roles left him able to get into it, thankfully.  I needed a stupid comedy after the previous movie and yep, this was it!  Expect tons of pot, dildos and cursing.

Central Intelligence (Unrated)- (Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart)  Old high school classmates meet back up for the 20 year reunion and chaos, lies and some serious shite goes down!  It was a cute buddy movie though I suspect Dwayne would be irritated I called it cute.  Some fun cameos in it too. If you're up for a fun, action packed ride, you'll probably like it.  Actually, the ending is hilarious and the built in gag reel in the credits alone is worth the rent.  If you like them together, stay tuned for Jumanji.

Rented/seen any movies lately?

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Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Nightmare come true?

Two weekends ago, I was having one of those nights where I was having a lot of dreams.  They were all weird or strange in their own way.

The final dream I had just before waking was one where we were in a hospital.  Various family and friends of the family were there wandering in and out of this hospital room we were in.  There was no bed in the room or patient but it was implied that it was because of Grandma without it ever being said at first.  I can't remember too much of the middle of it but toward the end, an orderly wheeled in the hospital bed...empty.  I looked at my mom, she nodded and I knew it was to be taken home for Grandma.  When I looked at the bed, I was sucker punched with the knowledge (not a feeling) that was the bed she would die in in a few months time.  I woke up with a feeling of confusion and dread.  I casually told the Mr that I'd just had a dream they brought in a hospital bed for her at home and she died in it.  We both commented on how freaky it was and there had been no news as of recent that would point to that or have it be on my mind.

We went out and about for the day on our road trip and I never gave it another thought.  That night...14 hours after my dream, my mom messaged me and said not to freak out in case I stop by but they brought in a hospital bed for Grandma and she's set up in the living room now.  My face went white and I gasped and said "oh my God!"  The Mr asked what was wrong and I told him and his eyes got big and said "you've got to be kidding find this out the same day you have that dream!?"  I have always had this weird connection to my dreams or recurring instances.  For example, when we found out that my FIL had a cancer relapse, every single day I would happen to glance at the clock at 9:11 am and pm.  Without fail.  I'm not a huge clock watcher either.  It started to freak me out because when you see 911, you think of exactly what the terrorists wanted you to think of.  Or then I wondered if it was 911 like an emergency.  Every time I saw it, I got a pit in my stomach.  As the date loomed, it was obvious my FIL's health was failing and he begged us to go ahead with our scheduled vacation despite us insisting on cancelling three times.  It was on 9/11 that the Mr had the last coherent conversation with his father.  It was a glorious, heartbreaking conversation that left them both at peace and assured that they would remember each other in the most joyful of ways.

So anytime I have a dream or something like the above situation that happens it puts my spidey senses on alert.  No one said that hospice told them it was time or anything like that.  It was conveyed that it would just make it easier on everyone.  Trust me, I'm all for that.  I tried to process what if this meant that the end really was near.  How did I feel about that?  Did I feel sad?  Upset?  Relief? Grateful?  The truth is, at first, I felt nothing.  June 1, 2014 is when she died for me.  It was the day she didn't know me and no amount of explaining who I was by the nice lady who said she was her daughter made it any more clear for her.  So for me, I've been grieving her loss for over 2 years.  It was the death of the person I knew and loved my whole life.  It was the loss of the person who supported me no matter what.  So I've felt that grief...deeply.  I've been swallowed by it.  Her body leaving this world?  The arms that hugged me tight upon every goodbye...the hands that touched my face as she smiled and said I was her first grandbaby...the eyes that I see in the mirror every time I smile...would all be gone...and at peace.  Her memories restored.  Her love felt fully from those who loved her most and the love we had for her, flowing through her and realized in a way she never could here.  It's too late for clinical's too late for mental stimulation to stop her's too late to get back what we've lost and what a loss it has been.  At this point, the loss of the shell of her former self seems minimal compared to what we've already lost because I haven't had those things from her in two years.

Then I got a sinking feeling.  The last line of the message kept resonating in my head..."she's set up in the living room."  We're having Thanksgiving there.  How is this supposed to work exactly??  The guys are supposed to stand over her bed holding their plates watching the Lions play??  Given what a proud, private person she was, surely she wouldn't mind being the "centerpiece".  (That was dripping with sarcasm by the way.)  So now I'm back to at least dreading Thanksgiving in a doubly distressing way since we get Christmas off from the side show of "nothing to see here!"  Or who knows, maybe it's more like "look what we all have to deal with and now it's in YOUR face too...please pass the gravy."

It makes my guts churn thinking of how if she is remotely able to comprehend the situation but is unable to convey it, the utter horror she will feel.  I plan to whisper in her ear before we leave that I am so sorry for this holiday situation, I hope she can forgive all of us for putting her in that position and try to get out of there before unleashing.  I plan to stake our seats early and they will be with our backs or sides to her out of respect for her dignity, which I feel will have been completely stripped at that point.  I want to say something but I fear it would come off very poorly but I think those of you who have gone through this journey with me know what it is.   We're's at that point.  The time where your prayers turn from giving her a cure to giving her peace...whatever God deems that to be.  I have to give it over to Him and ask her forgiveness if any of us did wrong by her in this situation, including myself.

Do you ever have dreams that ended up coming true in an ominous way?  

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Monday, September 26, 2016

Scenes from the weekend

Friday evening we had to make a trip to the apple orchard because we saw the apples I like to use for baking were ready and no time Saturday for it.  They were the size of softballs!

The Mr picked the perfect apple...and it was one of the smaller ones.

Needless to say, there will be lots of apple baking recipes being made over the next week or two!

Saturday we visited with friends.  We were going to bring our respective foods back to the house to eat since we rarely all crave the same thing.  I told her what we were getting and they said it sounded good so we decided to meet at the restaurant for lunch.

Unfortunately, as is typical, they sat a huge party of like 15 people right next to us so we spent the whole time screaming and saying "huh!?"  "What!?"  I should've gone with my instinct to move to another quieter section of the restaurant but the male half of the couple would've imploded with embarrassment at the thought so I just smiled and nodded a lot in between.  We came back to the house and hung out on the back lanai since it was actually nice enough to do so weather wise.  We came inside for dessert and some chit chat before they had to head off for the night.

The Mr went up around 10:15pm to play his game after watching me nod off on the couch and I stayed downstairs.  I got a nice warm blankie and cuddled up in the A/C and conked out until 11pm or so.  I so rarely do that anymore, it was kind of nice!

I got a good night's sleep on top of that except for the few times the Mr's snoring infiltrated my dreams and I woke up to him steamrolling me.  On your own side, sir!  When we finally got up, I took a shower and went down to make brunch.

Apple pie pancakes, 2 eggs and bacon.  The apples I got have a high acidity level but are a good balance of sweet and tart so it was perfect for this.

We did a lot of work related stuff and before you knew it, the day was pretty much dwindled.  I wanted to go shopping a little so we swung by Kohl's and I saw this and silently bawled.

They are slowly getting Christmas set up so be aware.  If you want Fall stuff, you'd better hop to it!  We stopped by Home Goods as well and saw some cute stuff but nothing I needed to have.  Then it was time for a grocery refuel on the produce front and some chicken parm for dinner since it's been a while on the pasta front.

I need to plan out the meals for the week and I'll be adding cardio back in full time this week to see how I do.  Since my legs were so angry last week it can't be something hard but I think a WATP or something of that ilk could do me good and then hopefully I'll get the all clear to add something a little more the following week!

What did you guys do this weekend?  Do you go apple picking?

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Friday, September 23, 2016

What I'm Reading This Week #38

Happy Friday all!  I hope the week went quick for you!

Well, after checking in with the chiro yesterday, I got the no go on Plan J since I was so sore this week.  I would've gotten the all clear if my week was like the week before.  Balls.  So no squats, he was vague on lunges but I'm not down for those and said to just work walking back in and don't over train my core because I could set myself back.  So yeah, no massage this week, compression during activity, ice after workouts and self massage on the legs.  I will roll the upper thighs because it does help me feel better so pffft.

But enough of my small setbacks and let's get to...

13 Tips for Women Over 40 to Manage Their Weight  (Still have to work on a few and when did this apply to me!?)

How Should I Treat My Sore, Tight Hip Flexors?  (Right up my alley right now)

How One Personal Trainer Is Proving Photos Can Be Deceiving  (It truly is all about the angles)

Do You Know the Difference Between Being Selfish and Practicing Self-Care?  (It's true...put the mask over your own face before securing the masks of others.)

The Best Way to Roast Every Fall Vegetable  (Time to roast da roots y'all!)

8 Things You're Probably Cleaning Wrong in the Kitchen  (Well excuuuuse me!)

10 Things That Don’t Make Sense To Super Sensitive People  (1000x yes!)

Sorry, Your Fitness Tracker Is Probably Useless  (Interesting findings)

In Case Any of You Still Don't Think It's a Big Deal  (Watch this...seriously)

10 Haunted American Cities To Visit This Fall  (Scarrrry!)

17 of the Prettiest Covered Bridges in America to Visit This Fall  (Wow, like a good handful are in VT.  I'll have to research these more!)

22 holiday movies Hallmark is prepping for Christmas  (Tis the (almost) season.  HA!)

Celebrities Read REALLY Mean Tweets On ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’  (OMG, these make me cringe but still good to see some can laugh at themselves and you can see the ones that can't...Kiefer.)

Angela Lansbury Surprises Audience, Sings "Beauty and the Beast" at Screening  (I totally bawled watching this...she's still got it!)

We've got some friends coming over tomorrow for lunch so that should be fun.  When I sat down to think about it, I realize we haven't seen them since Christmas!  We used to see them monthly like 10 years ago.  We'll have to make it a little more frequent than like once or twice a year.  I don't like losing touch with people where face to face contact is concerned so it'll be nice to actually SEE each other instead of a few surface social media messages.  Reconnect people...face to face!

What are you into this weekend?

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Thursday, September 22, 2016

My Fight Song

via Pinterest

Yesterday was an exhausting day.  I was doing a lot of work for holiday videos the past two days and my days have been go, go, go.  When workout time rolled around both days, I felt a bit broken.  Tuesday I felt broken from Monday's strength and core work and then the rushing around for work.  My lower back and sides were just shot so WATP was really hard and I had to modify a few things.

Then yesterday I was sore from WATP and the running around, then you chuck more running around on that and working out was the last thing I wanted to do and the one thing I knew I needed to do not from a body but a mind stand point.  I was mentally exhausted and needed the boost that only exercise can give me when my body isn't cooperating.

Last night we did a circuit workout.  It was pretty much upper body as usual with a few moves for abs and core in there.  When we do a circuit, we play this cardio playlist that I know is 45 minutes long so it's familiar.  About 2/3 of the way through is the time I tend to clock watch the most and I don't really want to give up but I'm just always kind of over it.  The Mr will have just gotten his second wind from his fight song...Viva La Vida.  It's always nice to see him get the boost he needs from that and depending on my mental state, I know mine is coming up soon.  It's a song called Helena Beat from Foster the People.

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes life it takes you by the hair
Pulls you down
Before you know it, it's gone and you're dead again
I've been in places and I won't pretend
Yeah I'd make it out just to fall on my head

Wake up strange and take the walk downstairs
Hit the pawn up on the corner and pay for my rent
You know that I could not believe my own truth
Just show them what I choose, got nothing to lose

Yeah yeah and it's O.K.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way
Yeah yeah and I'm alright
I took a sip of something poison but I'll hold on tight

You know those days when you want to just choose
To not get out of bed, you're lost in your head again
You play the game but you kind of cut
'Cause you're coming down hard and your joints are all stuck

I've tried to say that it's not the only way
I never knew if I could face myself to change
You were pacing, I was insecure
Slip and fall, I'm dodging calls, hug the prison I've been living in

Yeah yeah and it's O.K.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way
Yeah yeah and I'm alright
I took a sip of something poison but I'll hold on tight

Yeah yeah and it's O.K.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way
Yeah yeah and I'm alright
I took a sip of something poison
Took a sip of something poison, poison

If you want to see the video so you can hear the song, click here.

That song has gotten me through so many different mindsets since it came out, sometimes it'll pump me up like it did last night or it'll leave me in such a puddle of tears I have to turn away from the Mr so he doesn't see.  There have been times I've called myself every name in the book, almost fallen for fads or jump starts or felt like I would never heal so get used to your life as a gimp.  All of those the "sip of something poison" meaning my poison thinking.  Those are the times I cry uncontrollably and I'm doing everything in me to tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way.  I try to talk some sense into myself and "hold on tight."  The lyrics just pierce so deep sometimes.

Then there are times like last night as I was determined to strengthen my body and just get well and it fuels me in a way that I can't even convey.  As that chorus kicked in, I got down and did my modified push ups and knocked them the eff out like I meant it.  Then I did some cat cows and busted out another set just to show my shoulders who was boss.

I might be paying for it today but I need to get strong and flexible.  I might go through another week of soreness as I transition into a stronger version of myself but I'll massage the legs, stretch and do whatever I need to.  I'll talk to my chiro today about my theory on strengthening those areas that have had to take a break the past 4-6 weeks so I can get a final okay on that plan.  Finally, as long as I have my fight song that will either keep my brain from falling for poison thinking or to motivate me to keep pushing, it's okay.  I'm okay.

What is your fight song?

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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Don't fear the butternut squash

Wait, wait...where are you going!?  I know you've seen those phallic shaped b@stards in the store and after you were tempted to make lewd gestures (oh wait, that was just you were) you thought "too much trouble!"  Trust me, I thought the same thing!  But then I learned a time and potentially finger saving trick to taming this beast!

You know those corn cob holders?  Poke it a few times on each side and microwave it for 5-6 minutes.  When you take it out, it's soft enough to easily cut in half.  (Trying to cut those things in half without it is like asking to hack off a finger.

Scoop out the seeds and flip it over and just peel the skin off.  It's thin and soft at this point so it's able to easily be removed.

Cut the squash lengthwise into strips.

Then cut it the opposite direction to make like sized cubes.

Put them in a roasting pan with about a tbsp of olive oil and pie spice to taste and give 'em a toss.  Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.

Enjoy a delicious taste of Fall with half the effort.  Because it's already half cooked, you can prep it a day or two ahead and finish it off when you're ready for it.


Do you like butternut squash?

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