Why Didn't I Ask?

Since starting therapy, the Mr and I often get into conversations about stuff that pops up afterward.  He always asks how it went in general, never with the expectation I will give him details, but knowing his over sharing wife that I likely will.  There's nothing I could tell a therapist that he doesn't know verbatim from years of dumping on him which I feel guilty about but I also know that it allows him to understand me on a level some husbands have zero interest in knowing about their wives, which is sad.  

In our last conversation, I got on the subject of my parents divorce and dad's wedding day.  I remember the day he left like it was yesterday but what I remember most now is the fact that they didn't tell me together.  She told me while he hid in the bathroom.  I don't know if that was her choice or his.  If she knew that because we were close that she could do a better job at breaking the news to me or if he was like "I can't do it, you tell her" in the beginning of many cowardly acts of self preservation I would witness from him from that point forward.

Mom and I talked about the divorce a million times when I was a kid but did she ever tell me who decided she would do it alone?  Did I ask or do I not remember?  I feel like I'd remember if she told me.  When your parent dies, you don't realize how much of your own history dies with them.  You don't have that running encyclopedia of your family history anymore and even stories you heard 100x before are suddenly fuzzy and you doubt yourself to recall them accurately.  I knew of this guy Mom dated briefly in school and she always told me how when I was a baby I fit into his hand when he came back for a football game after I was born.  When she passed, I found her freshman yearbook which I'd never seen before and he was all over it.  His name scrawled over every picture he was in from sports to academic clubs with starry eyed doodles of their names and "forever" following them, even if forever then was four months.  Dates of how long they were together were written in the back with the end date crossed out and written as a new date.  Why?  I asked her sib about him and they laughed and told me a story about how she was late from a game and being picked up because she was smooching in the hall with him.  Like an 80's movie, she was walking out of the hall while her dad walked in missing being caught by mere seconds.  They said they forgot all about that guy and what he looked like.  I took a picture and sent it over saying they looked like they sang for the band Bread which they heartily laughed for quite a while.  Why hadn't Mom told me that story?  Why hadn't I asked?  How much of who she was that I would never know died with her?  Probably a lot and that kills me just as there is a lot of who I really was that I hid from her.  My therapist said I was her 'bodyguard.'  She hasn't elaborated on that but the few times I told her I didn't tell Mom about big things that happened to me that's how she referred to me so I'm sure some fun chats are in my future about that.

If you still have your parents, ASK THEM QUESTIONS!!  Don't wait until they're too old to recall or think that you're invading their privacy.  While Mom and I talked a lot about good times or cautionary tales involving strawberry Boone's Farm, I'm sure there are many more times I'll never know about and wish I did.  Trust me, it feels like crap wishing you'd asked more and not fully known so much of their story beyond being your parent.  They were people with their own lives, hardships, joys and everything in between before you came along.  Know as much as you can about them before they're gone.  I wish I'd thought to get something like this game where we could've all had a good conversation about honest and sometimes hard to hear life experiences.  I think something not geared specifically toward parents/family would be a good way to know the real person behind the role they played in your life.

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